Protector Daddy by Taryn Quinn

SEVENTEEN

When your boyfriend—andpossible baby daddy—was an experienced cop, keeping things on the downlow was basically impossible.

He couched his questions in concern.

Oh, you look pale. Do you have a headache?

I noticed you barely touched your waffle. Is your stomach off?

And the kill shot:

Don’t feel like I can’t do this alone if you need to rest.

In the bright light of morning faced with the reality of kneeling over his toilet, that negative pregnancy test from the night before seemed not to matter one whit. I knew what I was probably dealing with and it wasn’t sporadic episodes of spontaneous sickness.

I just wanted to give him this day with his daughter before I sprang what I was dealing with on him. That was being a reasonable girlfriend. If I was knocked up, the baby didn’t even show up on tests yet. Not like I was dilly-dallying on the reveal.

Even my brother checked on me while Christian, Reagan, and I were wandering around Syracuse University. I had pulled my jacket so tight around me to stave off the chill that Christian kept giving me sidelong looks.

And only half my chill was from abject fear.

I read Mav’s text super fast before dropping my phone into my pocket. Christian probably had the ability to read small text from a distance too.

Mav

Are you still pregnant?

Two minutes later, I ducked behind a column and pulled out my phone to answer.

Jackass, don’t say that. I never said I was. Also that question isn’t cool when women can lose babies.

Mav

Yeah, I know. Sorry. Didn’t mean it that way. Just meant are the signs still there?

I’m not talking about this with you.

Mav

Why? I’m down with babies. I’m like Mr. Mom now. Van says she’s so lucky to have my expert advice on pregnancy issues.

Yeah, right, I’m gonna tell her you said that so she beats your ass.

Mav

She weighs a buck twenty. She can’t beat me in anything but chess.

I let out a snort and looked up to find Christian staring down at me. Reagan was nowhere to be seen. “Who are you texting?”

I cleared my throat. “Did I tell you I’ve started a…duck chat?”

His golden brown eyebrow winged up and he crossed his arms. “A duck chat.”

“Yes. About ducks.” I gestured wildly with the hand holding the phone so I could also swipe away my screen discreetly with my thumb. Except I wasn’t that coordinated. “Whoops!” I said loudly as I dropped my phone and prayed the screen didn’t shatter.

He started to bend to pick up my phone like the gentleman he was and I dove for it wildly, colliding with him and losing my footing. I landed on my ass and just stared up at him, realizing with a start I couldn’t do stuff like this anymore if I really was toting around a tadpole.

Not a baby. A baby was too fucking real. Tadpole seemed more manageable. Still, I had to be more careful.

Christian knelt beside me, his forehead a mass of worry lines that matched the sexy crinkles beside his eyes. Or they would’ve been sexy if he hadn’t clearly been worried.

Because of me. Because I was fucking all of this up in my efforts to not make him worry prematurely.

“Honey, what’s going on?”

I cast a quick look around the column. “Where’s Reagan?”

“She stopped into one of the classrooms to talk with a student she knows. I don’t know how but I figured I’d give her privacy. Besides, you’re being weird. I don’t like it.”

“Okay, if I tell you, you can’t freak out. Because it’s not a thing yet. I mean, if it is a thing, then it’s a thing, but there’s no certainty it’s a thing so right now it’s just speculation.”

“Did you throw up this morning?”

“Maybe?”

“Did you throw up yesterday too?”

I sensed a theme to his questioning. “Maybe?” My voice held a waver I couldn’t control.

“Did you,” he lowered his voice, “try to have sex with me without a condom last night because you don’t think it matters anymore?”

My throat felt like it was quivering. “Yes.” But I felt desperate to hold onto a lifeline of hope. Not because I didn’t want a baby with him, but right now was not the ideal time. “But the pregnancy test was negative.”

His eyes looked shattered. Not worried. Destroyed. “You took a test, and you didn’t tell me?”

Oh, God. This wasn’t good. He was comparing me to her and I wasn’t coming out favorably. “I was going to,” I said hurriedly. “I just was scared. I’m scared, Christian! I haven’t done any of this before. I didn’t know how to handle it. And I wanted you to have this day with Reagan too.”

Ugh, why hadn’t I led with Reagan? Why was everything always all about me?

“Must be me,” he said quietly. “Somehow the women I’m with think I’m the last person to turn to in these situations. The fucking last.”

“Dad?”

Christian’s back went ramrod straight and he bolted to his feet, turning his back on me in a way that felt as effective as a door slamming. He said something softly to his daughter and then he just kept walking.

I was still sitting on the cold floor clutching my phone. I closed my eyes and swallowed hard, wishing I could just sink into the earth and disappear.

“You okay, Honey?”

To my utter shock, Reagan crouched before me and in the softness of her expression, I saw her father so clearly. And I nearly started to weep.

You didn’t even tell him you love him. With his past, of course he’ll think the worst. You told him this morning you’re a team then you do this? You’re just selfish.

I nearly blurted the news to her. From not telling anyone to telling everyone in one fell swoop. But that negative test was at the forefront of my mind. I could have a weird bug. It could be nerves.

God knows I had every reason to be nervous.

So I just smiled and forced myself to my feet. “I’m fine. So this school is pretty awesome, right? I went here,” I went on. “Did I mention that?”

“Yeah. A few times. Are you sure you’re okay?” She frowned, looking past me. “Where did my dad go?”

Guess he hadn’t shared that information with her either.

“I don’t know. But he’s pissed at me. Not you,” I said firmly, reaching out to grab her hand. “It has nothing to do with you. I just suck as a girlfriend.”

“What did you do?”

I tried to smile and was certain I failed miserably. “I forgot the whole ‘sharing your worries’ part of things. I’ve never had someone to share with before other than my best girlfriend and she’s, well, she won’t be any help with this particular worry.”

God, I couldn’t even begin to think of what Mickey would say. I’d need earplugs.

It wasn’t as if we hadn’t been careful. Should I have insisted we drive to a neighboring town? The juju in the Cove messed with hormones or something.

Or maybe it was just meant to be.

I buried my face in my hands. “I’m tempted to Uber home.” And hide like I had every other time something happened with Christian.

Get caught making out. Barricade myself in my apartment.

Find out he has a daughter and wonder if I might be pregnant. Skip work and hide in my apartment.

Hurt his feelings? No, rip open his chest and shove my fist through it? Uber away and go anywhere but here.

If I was pregnant, I sure was setting a fine example for my—our—future child.

Reagan’s voice was hesitant. “You don’t want to talk to him about it? Whatever it is?”

I dropped my hands and faced her squarely. “I very much want to talk to him about it because when he turned his back on me, it made me feel like shit. He doesn’t do that. And the reason he did is because I hurt him.”

“Why did you hurt him?”

“I didn’t want to be called on my evasion tactics. I didn’t want to have to be an adult yet.” It was amazing I didn’t scuff the toe of my shoe on the floor. “I mean, yes, I had one altruistic reason, but the others were solely about me. And your dad—he’s like a super adult. I’m still learning.”

She narrowed her eyes at me. “You know I’m almost eighteen, right?”

“Yeah.”

“And that didn’t freak you out?”

“A little,” I admitted. “I’m not much older than you. But I thought maybe that would make it easier to be friends.”

“Yeah. But you didn’t run.”

“No. I wouldn’t do that to him.” The quivering throat ailment was back. Surely that wasn’t part of pregnancy too. Wrong area of the body to be affected. “You’re his and he loves you so much.”

She smiled slowly, like the sun peeking out from behind a cloud. “I’m pretty sure he loves you too.”

Impulsively, I pulled her into a hug. “Would you mind giving me five minutes to talk to him? If I can find him. I’m not sure where he went. But I don’t want him to get the wrong idea about me.” If I wasn’t already too late.

If I was, this time I’d stick around and make sure I fixed it. No more hiding. No more depending on Christian to be the adult while I acted immature as hell.

I was tenacious too, dammit.

“Sure, go look for him. I bet he didn’t go far. He just wanted you to come rescue him.” She grinned. “The guy rescuing the girl is so vintage, dontcha think?”

I liked this girl. And what a relief that was. I would’ve pretended even if I hadn’t but it was so nice to not have to.

I grinned back. “I like how you think. Wish me luck.”

“Luck.”

I went in circles for a few minutes, trying to orient myself. I hadn’t been a journalism student so I wasn’t familiar with this particular building. It was huge and seemed like a damn maze in my current state of mind. But when I didn’t find him inside, I pushed through the door out to the courtyard and found him sitting on the stone wall we’d passed on the way in.

All of a sudden, I was afraid again. What if I made things worse? It was so easy to do. He was understandably traumatized, and I sucked at emotional stuff.

But I made myself go outside. The frosty air slapped at my face though Christian sat immovable like a stone. Impervious to such rudimentary things as cold.

I sat beside him on the wall. “Hi.”

He didn’t answer, just tugged off his gloves and pushed them at me. I’d forgotten mine and he’d finally remembered his because I was always nagging him.

That was what love was. Taking care in the small ways, not just the large. But that didn’t mean you could trip up on the big things. You had to somehow get all of it right more than you fucked up.

“I love you,” I said quietly as he turned to pierce me with those intense steely blue eyes. They were like damn lasers shooting right through me. “I probably loved you even before you loved me, so yeah, whatever. I just didn’t say it.”

“Impossible. I loved you from the first night.”

I pointed at him. “You just wanted to get me naked. Don’t say stuff like that to me just because…well, you know why.” I swallowed over the lump in my throat. “Mav told me about Reagan at lunch and that’s when I got up to toss my cookies. I tried to tell myself it was just the shock. I was just upset. Vee came in to the bathroom at Brewed Awakening to see if I was okay.”

“My sister-in-law knows too. Okay. Great. Everyone but me. Is that who you were texting?”

“No, that was my pain in the ass brother who now calls himself Mr. Mom.” At Christian’s sidelong look, I shook my head. “Don’t ask. I think he’s worried about me.”

“As he should be. Dude who totally inappropriately came onto you now possibly impregnated you.”

“Can you stop beating yourself up? Do you not remember me basically demanding you take me home?”

“I actually don’t remember that.”

“It was heavily implied soon as I called you for a ride. I knew we’d go somewhere private and not to play cards.”

“That’s one thing. You didn’t expect—”

“I didn’t expect to fall in love with you. I definitely didn’t expect getting a bonus daughter too. Even if I don’t quite know how to be a friend-slash-bonus mom to her, I’m willing to try. And you know what? I’ll probably fall in love with her as fast as I fell for you. As for our baby…” I tugged on his gloves just so I could feel some of his warmth.

He still seemed so far away. So remote.

As if I’d ruined all the closeness that we’d built so easily between us. Crumbled by my selfishness.

“As for our baby…” he echoed softly.

“If there is a baby,” I reminded him.

“Yeah.”

“Do you remember how I said I wanted kids of my own rather than a classroom of them? Well, guess that timeline got speeded up.”

His jaw worked and I didn’t know if he was trying to find words or what. I inched closer to him on the stone wall, the cold seeping through my thin dress and into my very bones. At least until he turned toward me and hauled me onto his lap, enveloping me so totally in his embrace that I didn’t know how I’d ever been cold.

Or afraid. Or felt alone. Not with this big, beautiful man beside me.

“You’re mine,” he said fiercely.

“Yes. And you’re mine.”

He nodded so hard I was afraid he’d snap a vertebrae. “Both of you. Mine. Promise me.”

“I promise you.” My teeth started to chatter and it wasn’t from the cold. I just couldn’t broker all the emotions flooding through my overwhelmed system. “I promise,” I repeated, framing his face in my hands.

“Promise you won’t keep anything from me again. I want to know it all. Be part of every step.”

“Yes.” I stroked his hair, my throat aching. “But if I’m not…”

“If you’re not…” He took a bolstering breath. “I really want you to be. I want you to have my baby. Doesn’t have to be anytime soon, but I want to make the choice to create a child with someone, and I want it to be you, Honey McNeill.”

“Jeez, why don’t you just set dynamite to my birth control?” I laughed until his eyes locked on mine.

“We should do that.” He stood, still holding onto me, and some dizzy female part of my brain marveled that he was so strong he could hold me as if I was feather-light. And I so was not.

Soon to get even bigger. Maybe.

“What, are you going to find it and destroy it right now? What happened to protecting my future?”

“I still want to do that. But I’m a selfish man, because I really want your future to be with me.”

My phone went off in my pocket. “Mr. Mom?” he ventured, making me laugh.

“Yeah. Probably.” I didn’t make any move to answer. I wasn’t sure we were finished.

He set me down on my feet and stroked a hand down my hair. “Answer it.”

Okay, guess we were. I tugged out my phone and swiped open my text messages.

Mav

You okay?

I smiled and replied.

I’m fine. Just told Christian.

Mav

Told him you might be…

Yeah. Just maybe. And I really love him.

Mav

I kinda got that feeling already. You know this means you two are gonna have to come over for the family grilling, right?

I sneaked a peek at Christian’s strong profile as he waited for me to finish a discreet distance away. He was so handsome. So…everything.

Yes. I’m going to meet his family tomorrow after covering Miranda’s early shift at the station. Reagan is coming too. She’s really sweet and smart. Too bad we can’t do both families at once. Just to be expedient.

As soon as I typed it, I wanted to erase my words. No way could we do that all at once. Nor did I even want to.

Actually, I hadn’t even fully processed what I was saying. I was love drunk and happiness drunk and relieved I hadn’t hopelessly messed up everything before we even got started.

Well, we’d started but we were so new and everything felt so very perilous.

Mav

Damn, girl, you’re brave. One family’s not enough for you? Okay, I’ll see if I can make it happen. Moose is a great guy so I have to assume rest of Christian’s family is cooler than he is too. I’ll get back soon as I talk to the ‘rents.

Wait, I didn’t ask Christian yet!

I glanced toward Christian and found him watching me, smiling slightly.

“Um. I did something.”

His brow lifted.

I approached him and tucked my arm through his as we resumed walking to the building. Reagan was waiting just inside the door. Her gaze dropped to our joined arms, and she smiled tentatively before she gave me a discreet thumbs up by her hip.

Christian with his cop eyes caught it though. Just like he caught everything. “What’s that about?”

“Your daughter is pretty awesome. Just saying.”

He grabbed the door to hold it open for me, looming over me in that way that made my skin prickle with awareness. “That’s true. What did you do, Honey?”

“How do you feel about meeting my parents while I meet yours?” I ducked under his arm to go inside.

“I don’t know what that means exactly.”

I patted his chest before we joined Reagan. “Me either. Mav is setting it up.”

“Those are probably the most terrifying words I’ve ever heard.”