All the Wrong Choices by C.A. Harms

Chapter Twenty-Three

Jonah

I've been lyingon the couch in Tony's living room for hours. I tossed and turned, unable to control the replay of what took place. The words I spoke, the things I confessed, it's all the things I've wanted to say for weeks but have been too afraid of the consequences.

But now it's too late. I know the second I pulled out of Dani, and she turned around to kiss me that I'd severed our agreement. It felt like a goodbye, and had I not known better, I could have sworn my heart cracked.

When the sun peeks through the windows of the living room and lights the entire space, I get off the couch and walk down the hall. Standing outside the room where Dani and her friends sleep, I lean in to listen for any movements. I swear she agreed to share a room with her friends to ensure I would have to keep my distance.

The room is silent, and I fight the urge to go inside and kneel beside her while she sleeps. I've never in my life wanted something the way that I want Danielle.

I walk away reluctantly, feeling like last night will be the last time I'll ever get to touch Dani. The last time I'll ever get to see her lips part as she reaches her peak, and her body reacts to my touch.

I left Tony's house feeling like I've lost, feeling like the best part of me is gone, and my chest grows tight with the thought that everything from here on will be different.

* * *

The soundof my doorbell filters out through my open back doors. I sit on my patio, staring off at nothing while trying to determine when the right time will be to reach out to Dani.

It has been hours since I left Tony's house, and from what he already told me, she left before noon. She was quiet and snuck out after a quick goodbye leaving all her friends to wonder what she was thinking.

I stand when the doorbell rings once again and walk in that direction. As soon as I step through the kitchen and into the foyer, I can see Dani standing just outside my front door. She is twisting her hands nervously before her, and she's looking down at the ground. Nothing about her posture screams I'm here for a roll in the sheets. It floors me, knocks the wind from my lungs as I consider what this likely is.

Opening the door, she looks up, and I see her throat bob as she swallows hard. "Can I come in?"

"Yeah," I attempt to play it cool. Maybe Dani will see I can still be the same guy I've always been. But on the inside, I'm dying.

"Um," she pauses in the center of the foyer, looking at her feet and then back up before averting her gaze once more. "We need to talk."

"Okay," crossing my arms over my chest, I take on a defensive stance while trying to remain casual and brace myself. I have a choice here, I can hide and pretend the alcohol made me say a lot of shit I don't mean, or I can finally stop living a lie and own up to falling in love with Danielle Abbott.

"The lines are being blurred." She worries her lip, still refusing to look directly at me.

"What are you talking about?" If she wants to do this, we are going to do it. We will talk this shit out, or fight it out, whatever it ends up being, I'm ready.

"This," she waves her hand between us as if that is enough explanation. I don't bite back. I'm not letting her off this easily. She huffs, throwing her hands up and then crossing them over her chest before letting them fall to her sides once again. It's like she can't decide what to do with them. "This is supposed to be easy, no attachments, nothing more than physical. There isn't supposed to be feelings involved, no jealousy or drama."

"So it's more, why is that such a bad thing?" She seems annoyed by my response. "Come here." I reach for her, and she steps back. Immediately my temper flares, and even though I try to rein it in, it's uncontrollable. "Dani, I can't control the way I feel about you, and I don't want to. I've played it your way. I've pretended every time you left my place, or I had to leave yours, it didn't kill me. We screw and then roll over, get dressed, and leave like nothing about it means a God damn thing. You're not just a girl to relieve some stress with or fulfill an urge. You're more than that."

"You are the one who offered this Jonah." Her voice rises. "It was you who said it would remain physical only."

"Because you needed me to say it was okay. Maybe I was hoping for some time to show you we could be more." When she rolls her eyes, something inside me snaps. "Forgive me for wanting to hold on to you longer and being willing to offer myself up as your fuck buddy to make you stay. My bad," my nostrils flare as I try to maintain my anger, "I was wrong."

"Jonah."

"He fucked up," pointing out to my left like her bastard ex is there or something; I glare at her. "He hurt you, not me."

"I can't do this," she pushes past me, and I grab her elbow to keep her from leaving.

"So instead of working through this, you're willing to let that bastard ruin something I know without a doubt could be amazing. We are good together. You know that, and if you'd give me a chance to—"

"I can't," there's no hesitation, no worried look, just a simple denial.

"No, Dani, I can't," I release my hold on her and take a few steps away, needing some distance. I feel like the ground is falling out from beneath me. I am free-falling without anything to grab to break my fall. But I can't be someone I'm not, and I can't keep pretending what I want; what I need doesn't matter. "This isn't working anymore," the words burn my throat to confess. "I want more. I can't do this slipping into your place late at night, fucking each other and then disappearing before the sun comes up. I want to kiss you and hold you. I want to tell you the things I feel for you without you freaking out and running. I don't just want sex Dani; I want everything."

"And I can't give you everything." For a brief moment, she looks at me, and I can see the glistening unshed tears in her eyes. She is hurting, and part of me is glad I'm not the only one feeling like my heart is being crushed.

"You can. You just won't." And that is what pisses me off the most.

We continue to stare at one another; sadness etched in both of our expressions though I think we are both trying to fight it. I want Dani to realize this is a mistake and rush toward me. I want to hold her and assure her we have this and that I'll never hurt her, but she doesn't move.

I understand right then this; it's our goodbye.

"Then I guess there's nothing more to say," I feel defeated.

"I wish—" she begins, and I interrupt her.

"Don't," I don't want to hear excuses. Nothing will make any of this hurt less. She's right. It was only supposed to be sex. She tried to avoid heartache, avoid the commitment to keep herself from being hurt again. She wanted to live out all of her fantasies while remaining detached.

The problem is while Dani was keeping me at a distance, I was falling in love. And that's my fault, after all, she warned me, and I fell anyway.