All the Wrong Choices by C.A. Harms

Chapter Twenty-Six

Danielle

"He's dating a girl named Heather,"that statement is like the most brutal kick to the stomach. It feels like the wind is knocked out of me, and the nauseous feeling it causes threatens to cripple me on the spot. "Tony says they've been out a few times, mostly lunch or coffee, but I guess Jonah said they're getting to know one another."

It's the exact opposite of what we had done, and I can't help but wonder if he's decided to do it all differently this time.

"She's a little younger than him, at twenty-three, but working two jobs to put herself through nursing school."

I find myself nodding even though Addison can't see me.

She and I have only talked a couple of times over the last few weeks, primarily short conversations when traveling to and from work. Things still feel forced, and part of me would prefer to avoid the discussion altogether, but I'll suffer because I miss her like crazy.

"I haven't met her, but I think he's invited her over this weekend, and Tony said something about he and I being invited for dinner too."

"Sounds nice," I bite my lower lip hard, needing the sting to drown out my emotions. "But if they've requested you bring a dish, you should order out or let Tony make it."

"I'm not that bad of a cook." She retorts, and I wait for her to accept the truth. "Okay fine, I burn water."

"Exactly," I join in on her laughter, being reminded of how much I've missed the sound of it.

"I'm safe, though, because Heather is making dinner." And the happiness is short-lived as I'm once again thrust back into the images of Jonah with another woman. "Her parents own a restaurant in Charleston or something, and she grew up knowing how to cook."

I wasn't sure what to say in return, so instead, I remained quiet. I'm losing my best friend to a girl I don't know and the man who could have been mine.

"This is so awkward," again, I nod. "I miss my friend." And that alone breaks me as I hold my breath and let the tears fall. "I just want you to be happy, Dani, and I think he made you happy, even though you fought it so hard."

"Ad," I can't even finish her name as I pull the phone away from my ear and take in a slow deep breath. "I'm okay," I force the words out. "I'm fine."

I'm not, she knows this, but I don't give her a chance to tell me I'm lying to myself if I think I'm in a good place. "I'm going over to my parents for dinner tonight."

"You're what?" By the tone of her voice alone, I know what she is thinking. "I bet I won't even make it to the main course."

"Why are you doing this to yourself?"

I wondered the same thing many times, but regardless of how much I hate what has happened, they are the only family I have. Part of me hopes to forgive them, and maybe it will allow me to find the peace I've been missing. Maybe I'll find closure and be able to move on without all this weight I've felt pressing in around me.

I have to move on. I need to.

"I may never forgive Cathryn or Matthew, I know I'll never have that bonding type of relationship with my mother I've wished my whole life for, but the hate, it isn't doing me any good. It's only managed to make my life an even bigger mess than it was several months ago." I'm referring to Jonah and me, but I don't need to tell her that. "So this is the first step toward me letting it all go."

"I say you kick him in the nuts and her in the nose, but that's just me."

I hear Tony in the background and know she's reached her destination. It is the same every time we talk. When she got to Tony's, we'd end the call. I know he dislikes me, and I can't say I blame him. Had the roles been reversed and he did to Addison what I did to his best friend, I would hate him too.

"I love you Addi," I think I surprise her with my confession, but I feel like I need to tell her. She is silent for far too long before she whispers in return, I love you.

When the call ends, I sit in my car outside the school, still unable to go home. It's too quiet there, and though I have plans tonight, my apartment only reminds me of the fact that by choice, I am alone.

* * *

I've foregonethe sexy dresses, feeling less like the confident woman I was when I had Jonah to make me feel that way. Instead, I choose a nice pair of fitted Capri pants and an off-the-shoulder short-sleeved sweater. I paired it with my comfortable sandals and just left my hair down. It has begun to grow out a little, and I've decided to let it grow. Nothing more than a touch-up here or there of the color. I didn't even take the time to redo my makeup.

Lightly knocking on the door, it opens in a hurry, and my father stands before me, giving me a skeptical look. "Why are you knocking?"

"Because I don't live here."

"But this will always be your home," he insists, and because I'm trying to be mature, I don't laugh.

"I think we both know this was never really a home for me," His head tilted slightly, almost like he feels a slight sense of shame. "But I'm here now, so let's eat."

I'm not good at this, the chit-chat and making pleasantries, not with my family anyway. I grew up in this house; yes, much too soon, but I never felt welcome. I'd been on my own during all the things a daughter would usually need her mother's help. It was learning on my own or listening to my mother criticize and compare me to my sister. I honestly don't know what I ever did to not be good enough, but one day it was like I became nothing special, and Cathryn became the world. That has never changed since there were no equals; no, I love you both the same; you both make me proud. It has always been about Cat, what she needs, her dance recitals, her sweet sixteen, prom, and all the memories, blah blah.

I gave up trying long ago because what was the point? I was always disappointed in the end anyway.

As I enter the dining room, all conversation stops, and both Matthew and Cathryn look up from the intense discussion they are having with my mother. "Please," I wave my hand out in a, go ahead and continue on manner, "don't stop on my account."

"I think maybe we should hold off until later to—" Matt seems slightly uncomfortable. He has the nerve to look at me apologetically, which I find humorous.

"Nonsense," my mother insists, picking up her wine and taking a sip. "Weddings take time to plan, and with Cathryn already beginning to show, we need to work fast. We don't want anyone to think this is some event we are putting on for show."

"Well, that's what it is, isn't it?" They all look at me, my father entering the room behind me. "A shotgun wedding for the ex soon-to-be brother-in-law who knocked up the little sister of the almost bride and mommy dearest doesn't want anyone thinking her little princess is a slut who should have remembered to pop a pill while she was banging her sister's fiancé."

I let out a breath after the mouth full. Damn, that felt better than I thought it would.

"I think I'm okay with never being good enough for you. I used to lose sleep over it, I wondered what I had to do to get you to love me, but honestly, I don't care anymore. Because if what it takes to be accepted is for me to hurt and destroy people who don't deserve it, then I'll pass. I'd rather live my entire life without a family than stoop to the level that every one of you has." They are staring at me, open-mouthed. "Nothing about this is acceptable. You're all pathetic in your own way, and part of me feels sorry for each of you. What kind of person is so unhappy with themselves they have to make everybody around them so miserable? And what kind of mother makes it okay for one daughter to sleep with the other's fiancé behind her back? What kind of parent at all takes sides? The only person I feel sorry for in this entire situation is that baby," I point to my sister. "It didn't ask to be born into this mess, and already there's no hope. You will raise that baby without compassion and grace. It's a shame really, all of it is."

"I think it's time for you to leave," my mother slaps the table making the silverware rattle from the impact.

"I think so too," I shrug and push back from the table, lifting my wine glass to drain the contents. "Cathryn," she looks up at me, her eyes wide, "I used to wish you and I were close. I used to dream of what it would be like to have a little sister I could share secrets with and stand by no matter what. But the truth is, I believe you and I, never had a chance. There was a wedge driven between us on the very first day they brought you home. Being sisters was never in the cards for us. You were mom's second chance because I was too stubborn to let her control me."

"Danielle," my mother harshly whispers my name in a warning, and it no longer sends chills throughout my body. I don't care any longer. She wants to intimidate me, and frankly, I did come to my parents thinking maybe we can all be civil in some form. But my mother looks at it as just one more way to make me feel inadequate and second best.

I'm falling apart at the seams, and I know this. I can feel it. I feel so out of control, and frankly, it scares me a little. I'm reacting before I think, anger filling me before I gain the chance to tame it.

I'm a disaster in the making, and quite frankly, I no longer care.