All the Wrong Choices by C.A. Harms

Chapter Thirty

Danielle

My legs giveout beneath me, and I crumbled to the floor, not even attempting to brace myself. My body shakes as I sob while Jonah backs out of the parking space and starts to pull away.

His taillights are blurring through the tears I shed. I hang my head, not caring that I am on the ground in my opened doorway, crying like a baby.

I feel sick, I blame it on the uncontrollable crying, but I know it's because it's too late for Jonah and I. When he needed to hear me say the words, when it could have meant everything and would have, I gave him nothing.

Suddenly I'm being lifted from the ground, and I don't have to look to know it's Jonah holding me in his arms. I'd know his scent and warmth anywhere. I've missed it more than anything. I curl into his chest, burying my face in the crook of his neck, and breathe him in. I don't know if I'm dreaming, but I know I don't want to wake up.

I feel the bed give beneath me as he lowers me to the mattress, and when he tries to pull away from me, I hold on tighter. "Please don't leave," I don't care that I'm begging. At this point, I feel no shame. "I need you," I'm breaking. I feel like I can't breathe.

I feel his chest rise and then fall against my cheek. I can hear his heart beating rapidly in my ear, and still, I hold on like my life depends on it. He holds me, his hand soothingly rubbing over the center of my back. My body still shakes as I take in breath after breath. I can't remember the last time I have ever cried so hard.

Turning my face in closer to his, I feel the burn from his stubble as it brushes against my cheek, and I think I hear myself sigh as it, too, is comforting. I press my lips to his jaw, his chest rises once more, and then he exhales, his breath fanning out over my face.

Moving even closer, like my body is moving on its own accord, I kiss him again and again, slowly moving in closer to his mouth. He doesn't resist, so I try for more, catching the corner of his lips. "Dani," he says my name as he leans away, "stop."

I don't listen, I can't, my desperation taking over every thought, I try to kiss him again, and he twists his face away from mine, while gripping my biceps. "Stop."

I look down, focusing on my lap because the rejection is like being burned with an open flame. I know rejection, I've spent my entire life receiving it from my mother and even my father, but it never hurt this bad. Coming from Jonah, it's crippling.

I see movement out of the corner of my eye as he pulls his phone from his pocket and begins to dial. He's probably calling the local hospital to have me committed, I'm spiraling out of control, and quite frankly, I, too, think I've lost my damn mind. I have never been so unstable, and I've managed to drive myself to this dark place. It's all my fault, all my doing.

"Is Addison there?" I glance up at him to find him staring at me. But his face is void of any readable emotion.

Why is he calling Addi?

"You need to send her over to Danielle's." I understand then; he is passing me off. Jonah is a good man, and leaving me, it's something he wants to do but is having a hard time doing. Yet another thing I've made difficult for him.

There's another long pause.

"Just do it, Tony, please."

He ends the call, and I don't know why I continue to drag myself through this long devastating ordeal, but I reach out for his hand, needing to feel him for even just a second. I'm surprised when he doesn't pull back right away. But then, he carefully slides his hand from mine before standing from the bed, keeping his back to me.

Then ever so slowly, he turns around and looks down at me. I sense he wants to say more. He parts his lips and then quickly presses them together tightly several times. Never actually forming one word, and also never taking his eyes from mine.

Telling him I love him again seems cruel, so I bite back the words. Telling him I was so wrong and that I need him more than I have ever needed anyone before is pointless, so instead, I don't say a word.

Leaning over me, he presses a soft kiss to the top of my head, and then I'm being forced to watch him walk away again. Only this time I look away quickly, because I know I can't take it. It's too final, and right now, I need more than anything to hold on to that last ounce of hope hidden deep in my heart that says maybe just maybe he'll come back.

* * *

I sit in my tub,the water up to my neck, the bubbles that surround me covering me fully. The smell of lavender and vanilla fills the bathroom, but it does nothing to soothe me. I can smell something cooking in the apartment, and it turns my stomach to think of eating even one bite.

My eyes feel so heavy, but I can't sleep. When I sleep, I dream, which is generally amazing, but then I have to wake up and remember those dreams are never coming true.

I'm living a roller coaster ride of ups and downs, high hopes and disappointments, so instead, I fight against the exhaustion.

"Dani," my head lolls to the side, resting against the unforgiving ceramic and the coolness. Addison stands at the bathroom door, wearing her pajamas and holding what appears to be something hot. Steam flows upward, "I made you something to eat."

"I'm not hungry." My stomach is already turning, and I haven't even attempted.

"Dani, you have to eat."

"I'm not hungry," I repeat.

Moving closer, she kneels next to the tub to ensure I can see her and only her. "It'll get better."

I shake my head feeling the hot tears pool in my eyes once more, "He hates me."

"He doesn't hate you," she attempts to reassure me, but it is pointless.

"You didn't see his face," the anger, the hurt, "believe me, he hates me."

"I don't believe it."

I ignore her need to make me feel better. Right now, I can't stomach it. All I want is for her to be honest. I want her to tell me I'm an awful person who deserves everything I get, and he is better off without me. I want her to tell me that I got what I was asking for, and being heartbroken and alone is where I belong.

I turn away from her, staring at the blank wall opposite my tub. The water has already begun to cool, but I have no desire to move.

"Dani," she whispers my name, but I ignore her. I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to talk about anything.