All the Wrong Choices by C.A. Harms
Chapter Thirty-Two
Danielle
I turnedoff my phone days ago. I no longer have any desire to read through the various text messages of all my friends telling me they're having me committed. Or the ones where they are stating I'm a complete idiot for agreeing to stand up with Cathryn.
Maybe I am, but I'd grown tired of arguing with everyone. Lately, I feel as though I've lost more than I've gained, and to be honest, I think I wanted to walk away from my life for a while. Pretend that none of it exists, and maybe the last four or more years of my life have been nothing but a bad dream.
Most of all I'm doing it because my father asked me to. Not that I have any reason to give anything to someone I feel has failed me for so long, but he's my dad. I only have one dad. Seeing him after his attack, so weak and pale, how could I tell him no? I was desperate for something to change. I allowed my mother to get in my head. I was too weak to fight back, and emotionally I'm drained. I have nothing left, no enthusiasm, no ambition, only bucket loads of regret and a whole lot of what-ifs.
Being alone gave me time to think, and when I think, I fall even deeper into the darkness and regrets.
Here I am, staying in a guest room, sitting in on family dinners or the afternoon meetings with florists and caterers. My opinion seems to matter for once. For the first time in my life, I can sit in a room with my mother and not want to strangle her. I know it's because part of me, the part that has a backbone, is gone. I don't give her my customary sass and attitude. Getting through the day for me is an accomplishment. It doesn't matter how I do it.
Feeling hurts too much, so I shut everything off. I stopped caring and expecting anything.
Even when I stand before all my family, the same family only months ago that showed up to watch me marry Matthew, I have no real reaction. I don't feel humiliated about the groom once being my groom. I don't feel heartbroken when Matt kisses Cathryn, and they become Mr. and Mrs. Matthew Harrington; I remain in a daze.
I feel like what they'd done to me was more of a blessing because they saved me from a marriage that would have failed anyway. It also allowed me to meet Jonah and even if I've lost him, knowing him for only a short time is a blessing.
I'm completely void of any emotion. It's simply nothing. I sit at a table alone, everyone around me dancing and enjoying the reception, my thoughts once again falling back to Jonah, and I find myself smiling as I picture his smile. I miss his smile.
A light tap on my shoulder gains my attention when a man I don't know asks me to dance. I agree because a distraction from Jonah's gorgeous smile haunting me is what I'm desperate for. I don't even bother to look at the man who is now holding me close; I don't care. I go through the motions, smiling when he talks, saying what I can't tell you, and I don't care. Nothing about this man is exciting. Nothing about him intrigues me. He is nothing more than a way to pass the time, nothing more than a void filler.
Allowing him to lead, he sways me from side to side, and to be honest; I barely move my feet.
Scanning over the sprawling yard with so much pink and red, it looks like Valentine's Day has puked all over my parents' backyard. My sister is such a child at heart and has no comprehension of just how tacky it all looks. A few friendly faces smile at me, and I know what they're all thinking without hearing the words.
That poor girl.
Their pity would have made me angry months ago, and now I don't think twice about it.
Whatever makes them feel better.
I see Matthew standing near the end of the buffet table, Cathryn looking over the display of foods while he holds her plate. He's attempted to talk to me several times, but thankfully my mother ran him ragged, so I've been able to avoid the awkwardness.
But when he looks up and finds me watching them, he smiles, and a twinge of irritation hits me. I don't need his smiles or his pathetic kindness. He's nothing to me. He will never be anything to me ever again.
I'm dancing with an unknown man, and he very well may have told me his name, but I didn't care to learn it; he slides his hand farther down my back, resting it right above my ass. The old me would have told him if he'd dropped another inch, he'd be choking on his dick, but this version of myself decided, it doesn't matter.
He's testing the limits, but I honestly feel that he's reached the point where he feels like he's accomplished something.
A tall man walks out from around the tent near Matthew. I'd been focusing on the clear open grass area just behind that point. I let my gaze fall to his shoes. Oxfords, brown, and they are so clean, maybe even new—one confident stride after another, the green grass parting with each step he takes. Casually scrolling upward, I admire how perfectly his light gray pair of dress pants fit him like they are tailored strictly for his body. They fit perfectly in all the right places. His shirt is much of the same, showing the contour of his broad shoulders and muscular arms shifting beneath the material with each move he makes.
It's almost hypnotizing, really, and I find myself getting lost there.
Continuing upward, I smile to myself when I notice the strong jaw and lips that remind me of better times. It's all too familiar. My eyes locate his, and I feel a surge of happiness for the first time in weeks. I've had so many dreams filled with the same set of eyes, and it always manages to make me feel better, even for only a little bit.
Jonah.
Smiling even wider, finally allowing myself to feel like I have something to bring a little joy back, I relish in the fantasy and want to hold on to it for as long as I can.
When he's close enough to touch, I stare up at him, refusing to look away from him, fear that he'll disappear surrounds me. He always disappears.
"Can I cut in?" His words are soothing the ache I feel throughout my entire body, like a warm, soft blanket on a cold night.
The man I'm dancing with says something I can't quite comprehend because I can't look away from Jonah. Not wanting to miss a single second of my fantasy, I pull back from the man, letting my arms fall to my sides.
"Hey, Beautiful," I don't know why but the single sentiment brings tears to my eyes. Suddenly I'm pulled into Jonah's arms, and the familiar smell of his cologne engulfs me. Snuggling in closer, breathing him in, I feel him press a kiss to my forehead, not taking his lips away for a few seconds. Each exhale is tickling my face, and I turn my head sideways, resting my ear over his heart.
"I've missed you," I whisper, knowing nothing I say will make this real but feeling like I have to make the most of my daydream. "I feel like I can't breathe."
He tries to move back, and without thinking, I hug him tighter, so tight I hold my breath, refusing to let him go yet. "Don't leave," I feel panic race through me, "not yet, don't go."
"Dani, I'm not going anywhere without you." He tugs his arms free and cups my face, tilting my head so he can look directly into my eyes. "I came here for you." My eyes flutter shut as I soak in his words. "Baby, look at me," I do what he asked. "I never should have let you go in the first place. You're mine; you've been mine since the first night I saw you at the restaurant in that ice blue dress. You hadn't even spoken to me yet, and you took my breath away. And then you laughed, that smile of yours, I felt it here," He places his hand over his heart. "I knew right then I'd do whatever I had to do to spend more time with you. Even if it meant I had to accept the little you were willing to give."
I shake my head, and he kisses my lips.
"You said you loved me." He refuses to allow me the chance to look away or to say anything more before he continues.
"But I loved you first."
His words hit me hard, and when I feel my body sag against him, he holds me up. "I think I loved you after the first kiss."
This is real. He is here.
"Why are you here, Dani?"
"It's my sister's wedding," as if he doesn't already know this detail.
"I know, but why are you here?" Tears pool in my eyes, and I try to blink them away. "Let me get you out of here."
He links his fingers through mine, and after he brings them to his lips, kissing my knuckles, I nod, agreeing to go wherever he wants to take me. He moves his body to my side and begins leading me toward the edge of the yard. Matthew looks up just as we pass him, and I don't know what possesses him to do it, but he steps in Jonah's path. "You leaving Dani?" He asks me but stares up at Jonah. And when I say up, I mean he had to look up at the man who holds me defensively to his side, like he's ready to protect me if it comes to that. "Cathryn will be disappointed to see you go."
"She never should have been here in the first place." I notice the way Jonah's jaw clenches and then relaxes over and over while staring at Matt with hatred in his eyes.
"And who are you?"
"You guys," I attempt to gain their attention when it dawns on me that the two of them look like they are about to throw down in my parents' yard. Several people are already looking at them with curious stares.
"I'm the guy who's going to marry Dani one day," my head jerks toward Jonah, knowing I had to have heard him wrong. "Because I'm not dumb enough to believe she isn't the best-damned thing to come into my life. I guess I have you to thank for being a douche bag. You picked the wrong girl, bud."
And then I'm dragged off toward the side of the house leading to the long driveway. I spot Jonah's car amongst all the others. We pause near the passenger door, and he moves around me, caging me in by placing one hand to each side of me resting on the roof of his Audi.
"Are you ready to do this with me?" He looks over my face slowly, "Are you ready to let go of any fear or hesitation and do this for real with me this time?"
I nod.
"No more back and forth, no more holding back. We give it all or nothing."
"All," no more boundaries and imaginary lines.
"I got you, Dani." Leaning in, he kisses me ever so softly, and I melt into his kiss. "I got you." He whispers against my lips once more, and I know without a doubt he does, have me.
It just took me far too long to figure that out.