Holly versus Mr. Ivy by Amanda P. Jones
Chapter 36
Holly
reminded him of Jack. After spending some time with him, I understood why. And it wasn’t a bad thing. Jack was my kind of person. Meg, on the other hand, had energy and charisma in spades. She reminded me of Skye. Her ready support to help me with Rhett endeared her to me instantly.
If things didn’t work out with Rhett and me, I wondered if he would be upset if I became friends with Jack and Meg anyway…probably.
Taking a steady breath, I grabbed the cleaning bucket and bag of food from my back seat and headed up to Rhett’s porch. Jack had texted Rhett, telling him he was coming over to hang out for lunch today, but surprise! It would be me instead.
Rhett might hate the switch-a-roo and slam the door in my face. But I prayed he didn’t.
Mid-knock, the door creaked open. Rhett stood, blinking rapidly. His wrinkled cotton pajama pants and white t-shirt hung loosely on his frame. His beautiful hair stood at crazy angles, like a kid who’d tossed and turned all night.
“Holly?” he croaked, rubbing a hand over his unshaven jaw. A jaw that my mouth had tasted every inch of, and not once had it been covered in scruff like it was now. My heart thumped in my chest.
The sight of him brought tears to my eyes. “Can I come in?”
“Uh. Yeah. I guess.”
He opened the door wider, and I stepped into his dark house. My eyes took a moment to adjust from the blinding sun reflecting off the snow to the cave where I now stood. A musty, stale scent lingered in the air. Jack warned me it would be like this, which was why I came armed with products to help Rhett’s house get back to its usual cleanliness.
Rhett flipped on a light switch and led me into the living room at the back of his house. I passed a gray and white kitchen, dirty with dishes, mail, food wrappers, and empty take-out containers littered over every available surface.
“Excuse the mess. I haven’t had time to clean.”
Liar.“It’s fine.”
We sat on his couch, a solid three feet of space between us. Rhett rubbed his eyes before finally looking at me. “Why are you here?”
Sniffling back the tears that pooled in my eyes, I held up the Styrofoam container, opening the lid. “Care to explain this?”
He shrugged. “It’s cake.”
It was way more than cake, and we both knew it. “Peanut butter and jelly cake.”
“So?”
He was hurt. I had caused him pain. His reactions were understandable, but no less painful to bear. “Why this flavor? Why include in the description something you said to me on Thanksgiving?”
He shrugged again. “What does it matter to you?”
Scooting closer to him, I slowly reached for his hand, giving him plenty of time to pull away if he wanted. When he didn’t, I was confident he’d at least listen to me before kicking me out of his house. “It matters to me because I made a terrible mistake. You were right all along. I needed you to help me see that living my life inside constraining boundaries and controlling every little thing didn’t keep me safe; it kept me from living. I was going through the motions of life without allowing myself to enjoy any of it. Because I somehow convinced myself that by not feeling anything, I could still be happy. Content.
“And then I met you.” I entwined my fingers with his. “You showed me what it was to be happy. How to allow myself to open up and accept friendship. You loved me even though I’m a controlling, grumpy, snarky woman who likes to push people away.”
I squeezed his hand. “I’m so sorry I freaked out and lost myself for a moment. But that’s why I need you. Because without you, I’m not really alive. I’m a shadow of who I can be when you’re by my side. I’m sorry it took me this long to figure it out. I’m sorry for being selfish and for relying on myself instead of coming to you to help me carry the burden.” My voice cracked, and tears dripped off my chin onto our clasped hands. “I’m sorry I went back on my promise to never leave you. To hold you when you were suffering. I’m sorry I said I was all-in and then, at the first sign of trouble, I bolted. You didn’t deserve to be treated that way, and I’m incredibly sorry. Is there any way you can forgive me?”
Rhett slid his hand out of mine, folding his arms across his stomach. “Look around. You don’t want someone like me. This is what my life is like. You’re better off forgetting I exist.”
Forget he existed? That was like asking me to forget how to breathe. “That’s not true.”
He let out a delirious chuckle, flinging his arms out to the side in the process. “I’m a mess, Holly.”
I held on to his knee. “I’m a mess, too. Everyone in this world is a freaking hot mess in one way or another. It’s part of who we are as humans. It’s part of life. But don’t you get it? It’s why we need each other. We manage our crap way better when we’re working as a team. As partners. I know I screwed up, and I will spend the rest of my life proving to you that I learned from my mistake. But I need you, Rhett. I told you back in October, and I’m telling you now—I need you. I’m my best self when I’m with you.”
“You can’t love someone who is broken.” He put a hand on his chest. “I’m broken. There will never be a time in my life when I’m not dealing with my depression and anxiety in one form or another.”
My heart shattered like an icicle falling from a rooftop over the fact that Rhett believed that about himself and I hadn’t done anything to refute his false claim. Rhett was not broken. I scooted until I sat right next to him. Being bold to prove my point, I leaned forward and kissed Rhett’s temple. “You’re wrong. You are not broken, and I do love you.” I kissed his forehead. “I love this brain that is incredible at solving problems. That has to deal with struggles but fights against an illness and battles heroically to conquer it.” I kissed his eyelid. “I love these eyes because they see the good in other people, but especially in me.” I kissed the edge of his lips. “I love this mouth because it speaks truth. It defends people and teases those who need some light in their life. It pushes people to be the best version of themselves. It shares vulnerabilities and compliments me.” I kissed his heart. “I love the kindness, bravery, tenderness, passion, love, and size of this heart.” I kissed his palm. “I love these hands because they hold mine and keep them warm. They jump in to rescue, help, care, and serve.” I kissed his shoulder. “I love these arms for the way they encircle me and make me feel safe, loved, and protected. For the way they carry burdens without complaint.” I kissed him fully on the mouth. “I love you, Rhett. Will you please forgive me and give us another chance?”
His eyes were glassy from unshed tears. His voice shook. “You really love me?”
“With my whole heart.”
Rhett yanked me onto his lap, wrapped his arms around me, and buried his face in my hair. “I missed you, sweetheart.”
I wound my arms around Rhett’s neck, holding him to me. His shoulders shook. My shirt got wet from his tears. “I missed you too. So much it hurt. I’m so sorry, Rhett. Please forgive me.”
He pulled back, then cupped my face between his hands. “I forgive you.” His lips met mine in a kiss so tender, more tears pricked my eyes. Man, I was sick of crying. But these tears were cleansing. Hopeful.
I poured my love into my kiss, showing Rhett through action how much he meant to me. Our lips soaked each other in, like basking in the sun after a long winter. This man held my heart.
Rhett teased my lips open, and I responded, letting my mouth tango with his. My heart filled with love and burst with heat that spread down to my toes.
I moved my hands up Rhett’s arms, to his shoulders, to his neck, into his hair, sliding them back down to his chest. My need to touch and explore every part of him took over.
Rhett tightened his hold on me and moved us until we lay on our sides, facing one another. Rhett’s hand settled on my hip. His thumb rubbed slow circles on my side, pushing the edge of my shirt up, until his skin skated across mine. My stomach swooped like I’d fallen off a cliff. And maybe I had.
But with Rhett there, holding my hand as we navigated the ups and downs life would bring, I knew, without a doubt, that as long as we tackled our problems together, there wasn’t a mess we couldn’t overcome.
I was all-in.
Forever.