Smokey’s Turmoil by Erin Osborne
Epilogue
Smokey
One Year Later
FOR THE FIRST time since my brother was taken from me, I’m sitting at his grave. I didn’t show up when the head stone was put in or anything. My brother is with me each and every single day in my heart and mind. Today, I woke up with a strong urge to come here and sit for a little while though. Jasmine, my ever-supportive wife, talked me into coming as she sits home with our children.
“Hey little brother,” I say, cleaning off the stone and grass in front of it. “I know it’s been a long time. For the longest time, I couldn’t bear the thought of comin’ here, knowin’ I didn’t protect you like I vowed to. I didn’t protect mama and then I failed you. I’ve carried that weight on my shoulders and around my neck for so long. I almost lost out on an amazin’ woman who gives me all the love and strength I’ll ever need on a daily basis. Jasmine. You’d love her.
“Jasmine is smart, beautiful, sexy, and gives all of herself to everyone in her life. She’s been through hell in her life, yet you’d never fuckin’ know it. Jas, she loves to sing, and she lights up my entire world. It turned so dark after losin’ you and she brought me back from barely livin’. Tristan, I wish you could have met her. I swear, it’s easier to breathe when she’s near me. She wipes out all the bad memories I’ve lived. She’s shy, yet sassy when she has to be. Jasmine doesn’t know how beautiful she truly is and I’m not just talkin’ about her looks. Her beauty shines from the inside out.
“I’ve got three kids now. An eighteen-year-old daughter who would give you a run for your money Tristan. She’s beautiful, smart, and amazin’ just like her mama. Jasmine is her cousin but adopted her almost two years ago. Charlotte is gettin’ ready to graduate high school now. One more month and she’ll be gettin’ ready to have her last summer before college. I can’t believe it. Here, I can protect her from the assholes who want to get in her pants and hurt her. When she’s gone, I won’t be around to do that. One of the Prospects likes her though. Jason.
“He reminds me of you a little bit. He’s quiet and always there. Jason’s ready to do anythin’ we ask of him and never once complains. For the longest time, when my head was buried in my ass, he watched over my family. Now, he still watches over Charlotte with love in his eyes. An emotion he tries his best to hide from every one of us. I still notice it because it’s the same way I look at my wife on a daily basis. Eventually, I hope he gets his shit straight and does right by Char. He’s the man who’s gonna protect her heart and ensure she gets what she wants in her life. Even if it means lettin’ her go for a while so she can continue her education.
“Colby. He’s my son. He’ll be three soon. That kid has had a rough start to his life. Jasmine has brought him out of his shell and given him proof he can love and be loved in return. The same gift she gave me and everyone around us. Colby reminds me so much of you. When I’m at home, he wants to be right there doin’ whatever it is I’m doin’. He follows Ink around too. We’re the main men he races to whenever he can. It doesn’t matter what we’re doin’ either. Though he loves sittin’ on the floor of the garage helpin’ us work on bikes. He’s gonna be a biker just like me when he gets older. I don’t give a shit what he does with his life, though I already see the way he watches bikes and loves bein’ around them. It’s the same you and I used to watch on whenever a bike road by us.
“Now, I have another son. My wife broke my heart and healed me all at the same time. She begged and pleaded for me to let her name him. I gave in as I always do with her. When he came screamin’ into the world, she looked at me with tears in her eyes to give me his name. Tristan Michael Burns. Jasmine, my Song Bird, knew how much you mean to me and how much I miss you. So, she gave me the next best thing to havin’ you in my life still. Our son is named after you and he reminds me so much of you. He’s got our big eyes and strawberry blond hair. Tristan is the perfect combination of Jasmine and me. Still, every single day for the past year, he reminds me so much of you in the little things. The way he looks at certain times, when he watches over whoever is in the room with him, and how calm he is.
“Tristan, no matter what was happenin’ in our lives, you were always the calm and collected one out of us. You made me want to be a better man; someone who would always protect those he loves and cares about with everythin’ in him. That’s how you were. Always. Even when our father was beatin’ our asses and ready to dive in to make us break, you didn’t scream and cry out in pain or fear. You were quiet and ready to accept whatever life through your way.
“Man, I wish you could be here with me. You’d love the guys in the club. Hell, they’d love you too. I wish we could ride our bikes together with the wind whippin’ around us and the freedom we’ve always craved and longed for fillin’ us. That’s what I feel when I ride my bike. It’s how I imagine you now. You’re free of the pain and torment we had to grow up with. The only thing I’d change is havin’ mom with me and you. Tristan, I’ll never get over losin’ you. But, I’m sure you know that,” I pour my soul out to my brother’s grave.
Dropping my head, I let tears fall from my eyes. A breeze picks up and blows across my head giving me the only sign I need that my brother is here with me. He’s watching over me and my family. A family he’ll always be a part of no matter what. Someone who will watch over us and protect us when I can’t. With a smile on my face, I get up from the ground and place my hand on the top of Tristan’s stone. At the same time, the wind dies down, and I’m left with a feeling of complete peace filling me as the sun beats down and warms me up from the inside out.
Walking from the cemetery, I make my way to my bike with a smile on my face. Straddling it, I pull my bandana up to cover my face and start the engine. Blue was always Tristan’s favorite color and that’s just one way I honor his memory by always having something blue on me. Mainly my bandana. Pulling out of the parking lot, I don’t long to go on a ride or have time to myself because I don’t want to go home to my sons, daughter, and beautiful wife. This time, I head straight there to be with the four most important people in my life. The ones who saved me from myself and made me believe my past is just that. We can’t control what happens in our lives; but we can control who we love and how we choose to live. I’m in control of what I want and who I let in.
Jasmine
I’m waiting on my husband to get home. Charlotte is out with friends and Colby is with Ink and Phoebe for just a little while. I wanted to put together a small surprise for him while he was gone. Today’s a big day for him and I’m not sure how he’s going to feel when he gets home. I wanted to be there with him, but he chose to do this alone. Now, Tristan and I are hanging out at the house waiting on him to get back.
When I hear his bike rumble toward the house, I’m in the kitchen putting the last of his surprise in the gift bag on the counter. Excitement fills me at how he’s going to react. Tristan picks the same exact moment to begin crying from his place on the floor with his toys. I rush to his side and pick him up. He lays his head on my shoulder with his little arms around me. Rocking back and forth, I know he’s not feeling good. That’s really the only time he’s ever cranky or cries. It doesn’t seem like he’s about to be one.
Time has flown by over the last year. I wouldn’t change a single thing about it. Other than Charlotte leaving for college soon. She’s got to live her own life though. My girl has done some amazing things in the last year. Other than going to her group therapy, she no longer sees a counselor one on one. She has become more outgoing and loves to spend time with her friends from school. The only thing she doesn’t like is when the guys, mainly Smokey and Jason, chase any boys away from her. At this point, all of her firsts will be in college because they won’t be there watching over here every single day.
“Song Bird, where are you?” Smokey calls out as soon as he enters the house.
“Right in front of you babe,” I respond with a smile on my face.
He walks over, leaning down to kiss Tristan on the top of his head before giving me a kiss.
“He’s still not feelin’ good?”
“No. He’s cutting more teeth. If he’s not feeling good tomorrow, I’ll take him to the doctor just to be sure. How are you doing?”
“Better than I thought. Thank you, baby. I’m glad you helped me work up the courage to go there,” he tells me, turning around to face the kitchen. “What’s that?”
“It’s for you. Go ahead and open it,” I tell him, continuing to rock our son.
Smokey walks into the kitchen and around the counter so I can watch his face as he pulls out the tissue paper from the bag. When that’s laying on the counter, he pulls out a onesie and a small piece of paper. His eyes immediately dart up to mine before turning back to the paper and shirt in his hands. I’d laugh if it weren’t for the fact I want to know what’s going through his head more than my need to laugh at his reaction.
“Are you sayin’ you’re givin’ me another baby?” he asks, me stepping around the counter and making his way toward me.
“I am. Just found out for sure yesterday while you were at work,” I answer him.
“How did I get so fuckin’ lucky to find you and make you fall in love with me?” he questions, his voice full of emotion.
“I’m the lucky one, babe. Though, I’m warnin’ you right now. This time, it better be a girl. You guys are outnumbering us and that’s just not fair,” I laugh at his expression. “Plus, I already have a beautiful name picked out.”
“What’s that?” he asks, wrapping his arms around me as I keep Tristan in my arms.
“Kennedy Lillie. That’s what I was going to choose if this guy was a girl. You’re not mad I chose to name him after your brother?”
“Not at all baby. That’s the next best thing you could have given me. I love you so much and will continue to do so until my dyin’ breath. Why don’t we put him to bed so I can show you how much I love you?”
“I’ll meet you upstairs,” I respond, heading up the stairs and to Tristan’s room.
For the next few hours Smokey proceeds to show me exactly how much he loves me. We’re laying in one another’s arms, trying to come back down from our mutual release. This is what I want for the rest of my life. Our children safe and surrounded by our extended family while we love one another without reserve or caution. Smokey and I have found in one another a reason to live how we want to and to love openly. I choose him each and every single day without question or needing to second guess everything about our relationship and family. If I had ended up with anyone other than him, I wouldn’t be this happy and loved. I wouldn’t feel the safety, love, and peace I do with him. Smokey allows me to be who I am and do what makes me happy. Even if that’s staying home with our children and helping at the compound when they need it. He’s my calm and strong in the storm as much as I am for him. We support one another and will raise our children to want to love the same we show them every single day.
The End
