Dark Need by Clarissa Wild

Chapter 36

Soren

Pain.

One word doesn’t even come remotely close to what I feel right now.

But it is the only way I know how to describe the ache in my heart.

This isn’t like any other pain I’ve had, the kind of oozing blood and cracked skin. No, this is the kind that makes you want to scream.

But nothing I can say will make this pain go away.

Because she said the one word I never thought I’d hear from her lips.

Hate.

And I knew then and there that I had lost her.

All the sweetness in her eyes, the gentleness in her voice, gone, replaced by vile disgust. She hasn’t even looked at me since we left the car behind and started walking again. Not a word either. I’m on full ignore, and every step I take hurts to the bone.

Not because I’m physically tired but because I’m fighting with myself in my head, and it’s threatening to tear me apart.

We need to keep moving if we want to make it in time, but my feet feel heavier than ever. I wonder how it must be for her, finally knowing where I’m taking her … to the one place she never wanted to go to.

I didn’t tell her because I knew she wouldn’t come quietly. But keeping it a secret all this time tore a rift between us, and I don’t know what to do to fix that.

I shouldn’t care, but I do.

I care more than I dare to admit.

Which is why all of this is so fucking hard.

Why couldn’t I have just kept my mouth shut and taken her with me? I should’ve just taped her mouth and tied her up like I was supposed to and bring her to the location. Instead, I fell for the trap of her pretty eyes and sweet words until I couldn’t go back anymore. Until I fell so hard that I wanted nothing more than to stay in that cabin and lie there in bed with her for all eternity.

But we can’t.

My job, my loyalty, comes above all else.

Because what else do I have left if it doesn’t?

Who am I if not the man I was shaped to be?

So I continue the journey through the woods with her traipsing behind me, sighing to herself. I can’t keep on ignoring it, even though I hate the words she said.

“We stop here.”

She pauses and looks up at me with a deathly stare.

“Get some sleep,” I add.

She raises her brow and watches me settle down on a stump, fetching the blanket from the bag she stole. I pat down some leaves and point at it. She sighs again but still lies down, and I place the blanket over her. She violently tears it out of my hands and rolls over, away from me.

I’d be lying if I said it didn’t hurt.

It does.

My heart screams to hold her. Kiss her. Wrap her in my arms and stay warm together.

But she no longer wants me, and that makes it impossible to enjoy. All the need and desire inside me have been sucked dry. The only thing left is misery.

And I hate that.

“I’ll watch over you. Just sleep.”

“I’m not tired,” she says, finally responding.

“You woke up early to run away. You need rest.”

She grumbles to herself and tucks the blanket closer to her body as if she’s planning on turning into a butterfly in that cocoon so she can fly off after.

I know that feeling all too well.

I sigh to myself as well.

“I deserve your hatred,” I say.

“Yes. Yes, you do,” she answers quickly.

She didn’t have to, but sure. I know she does, and of course, she’ll take any opportunity to rub it in.

“You really hate that place so much?” I ask.

“They used me. Tried to make me have sex with random men I’d never met so I’d get married and have babies,” she says through gritted teeth, staring at the ground. “And then when I didn’t comply, they discarded me and sent me off to the House as though I did something wrong. As if, by remaining a virgin, I was unwanted. I was a sinner.”

I lower my eyes and clasp my fingers together, listening to her talk. I’m not often interested in the stories the sinners I punish tell me, but she’s different. She’s a victim to circumstances. She tried to remain honest, loyal to herself, unwilling to yield to a man. And in return, she got branded a sinner and sent to us. Sent to me.

But she is no sinner.

In fact, I am more a sinner than she ever was.

I took from her the one thing she tried to protect, the one thing she wasn’t willing to give, all for her freedom.

The freedom I now took away from her once again.

If anyone deserves to be punished, it should be me.

I get up from the rock and say, “Stay. Sleep. I’ll keep watch.”

I need some time for myself to do something I’ve never done before.

Gather my thoughts.

* * *

April

When I wake up, I could’ve sworn I only fell asleep for a couple of minutes. Still, the sunlight is shining brightly, which means at least a couple of hours must’ve passed. I must’ve been tired to the bone from all that fighting with those guys from the car.

I shiver, just thinking about what they were trying to do to me.

But then I remember what Soren did to them when he found out, and that almost makes my eyes pop out of my head.

It never fails to surprise me just how hard-core he is.

But I can’t let my guard down. Not anymore.

Our fling ended the second I realized where he was taking me, and I’m not about to sweeten up to him just because he saved me.

When I look up to find him, he’s still standing there by the tree where I remember he stood before I fell asleep. With his bag over his shoulder, he stares at me with a sour look on his face.

“You’re awake.”

I sigh out loud and get up, bringing the blanket to him. He accepts it without saying a word and tucks it into his bag.

“Let’s go.”

I follow him without saying a word.

There’s nothing left to be said.

Nothing I tell him will make him change his mind.

If I run, he’ll catch me. If I fight, he’ll win.

There’s nowhere to go, nothing for me to do except admit defeat.

But I would rather die than admit I ever liked this man.

Whatever there was growing between us … it’s gone.

His betrayal shattered it to pieces.

We walk and walk for hours on end, with only a few berries we plucked from the bushes to eat. But I’ve gotten used to feeling hungry and thirsty. It’s the only thing that reminds me of the fact that I’m still alive. That even though I lost, I am still not giving up. And that means something. It has to, goddammit.

We push over a hill, and I pause to clutch my knees and breathe in and out a little. These damp forests we’re in right now are not at all like the ones we left behind, and they really remind us of home.

“We’re almost there.” Soren stands on top of the edge of the cliff beyond the forest’s edge, peering out at whatever’s underneath. The Holy Land, I’m sure, where they’ll be waiting for me in those horrible white robes, clambering to put them on me and make me yield to their customs again. But I will fight any man who dares to come near me with tooth and nail.

“Coming,” I mutter as he glares at me from the top.

I raise my head and take in another deep breath before I take more steps and go to the top of the hill to stand alongside him. The sun is shining so brightly straight at us that I can barely see a thing, so I put my hand on my forehead to look ahead.

And my jaw almost drops to the floor, along with my knees.

Because what’s in front of me is not the cult grounds.

It’s my hometown.