Forever by Janie Crouch

Chapter Thirteen

Jess

“She’s asleep,”I said. “Is this a good time to talk? About everything?”

Ethan and I both leaned against opposite sides of the doorframe, so close and yet so distant it felt like agony.

My fault.

He looked at me, and I felt the full weight of that stare. Ethan had the ability to look at you in a way no one else could. He could pin you to the spot or make you feel completely full of life, and all it took was one glance.

Right now, I was pinned. Not what I wanted.

“Does everything include the research that’s missing from the Vandercroft biotech lab?” he asked. “Because I definitely have some questions about that.”

My heart threw itself against my ribs. “How do you know about that?”

Ethan smiled a little. “It’s how we got a team here so quickly—there’s pressure from pretty high up to make sure that research doesn’t fall into the wrong hands.”

“Oh.”

“Somebody would have come for you anyway, with three of the four of you having high-profile parents. But Vandercroft realized some top secret data had been taken, research co-funded by Uncle Sam, and that it looked like one of the American kids had done it.”

Shit. Now telling him what I’d done might look like I was covering my own tracks.

How had I not calculated this? It seemed obvious now that given the nature of the research, the military and government would already be tracking it.

The kinds of things my team had been developing at Vandercroft, the strides we’d made in biotechnology over the past two years . . . they were primed to change the world. Or potentially end it if that information got into the wrong hands. It made sense that the heads of the fellowship program would have taken their knowledge of the theft to someone higher up the chain.

I rubbed the bridge of my nose with my fingers, trying to ease some of the tension there. Sometimes, I got way too far into my own head. I thought I was the only one who could fix something because I had obviously thought of everything, and all I did was end up making things worse.

I opened my mouth to speak, but before I could, he slid closer. He was so close to me now that I could feel his body heat, though he still wasn’t touching me. I couldn’t breathe with him this close. After months of distance and tension, all I wanted was to sink into his arms and let him hold me. Touch me. Everything.

“I need the answer to one question, Jess,” he whispered. “And it has to be the truth.”

“Anything,” I said. I never lied to Ethan. I left things out on occasion, but I could never stomach lying to him. He’d been able to see through me since we were kids.

“Once we get out of this country, do I need to take you somewhere no one will find us?”

He hadn’t asked if I’d done it or why. He’d asked if he had to take me somewhere to keep from getting arrested for treason. Which meant that he wasn’t planning to leave me, even if I’d committed the crime.

I closed my eyes as relief flooded through me. Maybe there wasn’t quite as much distance as I thought. “You would really do that? Run away with me, even if I’m guilty? Even after . . . what you saw with Russell?”

Ethan’s hand came up and wrapped behind my neck. He wove his fingers into my hair. His forehead rested against mine.

“Yes,” he breathed. “I would do that for you. I would do anything for you, Jess. Anything to keep you safe. Even if that means protecting you from yourself.”

I knew what going on the run would mean. It would mean giving up his entire life for me. His career in the Navy. And the fact that he was willing to do that without question . . . it took my breath away.

“Uncle Ian has already made a plan,” he said. “It’s all ready to go if that’s what needs to happen. So you need to tell me Jess, do we need to run? Did you take the research?”

I bit my lip. “Yes.”

He sighed, eyes closing. His shoulders tightened, but he didn’t pull away from me. “Okay, then we—”

“But I didn’t take it to steal it. I took it to keep it from being stolen. Someone was—is—planning on selling it, and I didn’t want to take the chance that they would move before I had a plan. So I left a dummy copy to be stolen, and I have the real research.”

He yanked me against his chest, wrapping his arms around me. “You’re going to be the death of me, woman. When Ian told me you were on the list of suspects, I told him that it couldn’t be you, or if it was, it was because of something we didn’t know. Something like this.”

I breathed in his scent, happy to finally be in his arms where I belonged.

Ethan hadn’t doubted me. That made everything okay.

“I’ve been working on this for months. I’ve narrowed down the list of suspects to Russell or Susan. I’ve been trying to get closer to them in order to find out more.”

“Why?” He stepped back so we could see each other. “Why not go directly to the research heads at Vandercroft? Or the authorities?”

“I should have,” I said quietly. “But I knew all our research would get shut down for months if there was a full investigation. The stuff we’re working on, Ethan, it’s just . . . amazing. And we needed all our time to keep it moving forward. I thought I could handle it. Narrow it down, catch the thief, and turn them in, and then the rest of the team would never have a hiccup in their work.”

“Jess.” He sounded both exasperated and amused. It wasn’t the first time I’d heard that particular tone as he said my name.

“I know. I’m sorry. I should have told someone. At least Alena.” Looking over, I could tell that she was still completely asleep. “She probably could have helped me watch Susan and Russell. Helped me figure it out faster without halting the program at all.”

He shook his head. “That big brain of yours gets you in trouble sometimes. You try to handle too much yourself.”

I grimaced. “This whole trip was to draw them out. I was hoping they’d do something to give me a clue which one was the culprit. I don’t know, maybe make up a bullshit reason to get back to London early or something. Anything. Obviously, it didn’t end up that way.”

Ethan stepped back a little, and I wanted to grab him and pull him back to me. “Is that what your birthday was about? You were trying to charm Russell to get information?”

I shook my head. “I can’t believe you were there and didn’t tell me. I would’ve much rather have been with you than scoping out Russell. I thought you were in Africa.”

“No, Germany. They approved my request for leave at the last minute, and I wanted to surprise you.” He glanced outside as a lookout for a moment before turning back to me. “Ends up I was the one who got surprised.”

“It wasn’t real, I promise. I was trying to get Russell to trust me, maybe confide in me.” I stepped forward into his space. “I swear to you, Ethan, there is no part of me that wants Russell Kramer. I only want you.”

He was silent for so long, studying the landscape out the doorway, I thought he might not say anything at all. I finally reached out and touched his forearm.

“Are you sure?” he finally asked.

“What?” I gasped. “Why would you ask that?”

He shrugged. “Seeing you with him that way made me think maybe you wanted to branch out and . . .” He scrubbed his hand over his face. “Jesus, I don’t know. Try other people? We’ve been together since you were in preschool, Jess. How can you be sure that I’m the one that you want?”

In all the time that I’d known Ethan, I’d never heard him sound like this. The resignation in his voice had panic bubbling up inside me.

I didn’t want to try anyone else. I wanted Ethan. Only him. There’d never been a doubt in my mind.

But he was right. We’d been together forever. Maybe I wasn’t the one having second thoughts.

“Is that what you want? To—” I choked on the words. “To try other women?”

The very idea of that made me want to scream. Made me sick. Imagining him with anyone else was devastating in a way that I was not prepared for. And the reaction that I was having, and barely in control of, only solidified my knowledge that I didn’t want anyone other than him.

But if that was what he needed . . . I could survive it. Because even if it was what he decided to do, Ethan would find his way back to me. He always did.

He’d found his way to me in the middle of this hellish nightmare, and I knew that he would do it again. We were meant to be together. Forever. No matter what happened along the way.

Ethan grabbed my hand. “No, that’s not what I want. But . . . now might not be the best time to be talking about our future. Neither of us is in the right frame of mind.”

It wasn’t exactly a comforting statement, but I saw the logic in it. In order for us to have a future together, we had to survive the present. And that meant getting past armed bad guys and making sure that I didn’t go to jail for treason and espionage.

But I still wanted to talk about it. To clear the air. To tell him I wanted only him and pray he’d say the same.

Ethan and I had always been in sync. Like a heartbeat. He was the first beat and I was the second. Being out of rhythm with him was like having sandpaper under my skin. Constant friction and anxiety.

“Let’s focus on now,” he said again. “Getting out of this. Isaac and Landon work for Ian. And they know about the research. They’re going to be looking for anything out of the ordinary or suspicious with Russell and Susan.”

“Okay,” I whispered. It was at least good to have someone I could talk to about this.

“Russell in particular because his father sent MacQueen. Guy feels a little sketchy.”

“That was why Isaac and Landon both had to go with MacQueen instead of splitting us in half?” I asked.

Ethan nodded.

“What’s the concern?”

His mouth set in a firm line, and I knew the expression. He was either deciding what was okay to tell me or finding a way to make something awful sound better. “Nigel Kramer, Russell’s dad, forced MacQueen onto the team at the last minute. And because of how determined he was to have his man with us, we think it might be because he’s not only concerned about his son’s safety.”

“So maybe I was right about him.”

Ethan nodded. “There’s every chance Nigel could be in on stealing the research with Russell. Or the one pressuring his son to do it. Until we’re sure that’s not the case, we’ll be watching MacQueen.”

I reached up and tapped my locket. “Don’t worry. The real research is safe. No chance it falls into the wrong hands while I have it.”

His eyes narrowed as he made the connection. He nodded. “Good.”

“Why are you here with Uncle Ian’s men rather than your SEAL team?”

He glanced away. “As of a few days ago, I’m not active duty anymore. I’m reserves.”

My eyes bugged wide. “What? Why?”

He shrugged. “A couple of months ago, it was time to decide whether to re-up, and I decided I didn’t want to stay active duty. I always knew I wasn’t a lifer.”

Given everything, I had no right to be hurt that he hadn’t discussed this with me, but I still was. “Wow. I can’t believe you didn’t mention it to me. I mean, you don’t have to ask my permission, but I feel like this was something we should’ve talked through together.”

Unless . . . his future plans no longer included me. I had to swallow my panic at the thought. No. Things could not have gotten that bad so quickly.

He stiffened. “I’d planned to talk to you, but . . .”

He’d made this decision a couple of months ago, so that meant . . . “When you came to London for my birthday?”

“Yes. I’d planned to talk to you then, but we didn’t get a chance.”

“Ethan.” I reached out to touch his arm again. He didn’t pull away, that was good. “I’m so sorry. I hope you didn’t make any choices because of what you saw that night.”

He shrugged one shoulder. “I did, but it was a choice I needed to make anyway.”

I wanted to ask him more about it but he stopped me before I could.

“Look, we should get some rest,” he said softly. “We’ve got to get going again soon.”

I nodded, and he closed the door to the shed, locking us in deeper darkness. We walked closer to where Alena was sleeping and lay down on the ground.

Despair threatened to swallow me. The situation was so much worse than I’d thought. I’d thought we were in danger, that we might die at the hands of Radu and his men. That should’ve been bad enough.

But finding out that I might have created some emotional chasm between Ethan and me? That was worse than facing kidnappers with giant guns.

Tears leaked out of my eyes as I lay there in the darkness, trying not to sob. I couldn’t do this, not without Ethan. So he cared enough about me to get me somewhere safe if I were guilty. But it wasn’t enough. I needed his love.

I started to hyperventilate. I was going to have to sit up to get myself under control, beg Ethan to give me another chance.

Then, as if he could feel my panic, feel my need for him, his hand reached over and linked with mine.

It was enough. I wanted so much more, but having his fingers clutched in my own was enough to ground me. Center me.

I knew one thing for certain: I wasn’t letting go.