Waste My Time by Kelsey Clayton

Doyou ever sit there and think about that time you fucked up? Like really sulk in it and let your anxiety eat you alive? I should be used to it, really. I've been doing it for so long now. First over everything that happened with Tessa, and now Kennedy.

After pouring my heart out and having the door shut in my face, I convinced myself that it was over. That I had fucked up beyond repair. That she was never going to forgive me. And a part of me still believes that's true. But there's still a part that holds out hope.

Amelia keeps saying I should be patient. She says she'll come around eventually. Although, after she found out the truth of why we broke up, she damn near threatened to cut me. It wouldn't be the biggest surprise if she was giving me hope just to torture me a little bit more. And yet, I go along with it.

“Dude,” Zayn interrupts my thoughts. “Are you even listening?”

“Yep,” I answer, even though I couldn't tell you what he just said if my life depended on it.

“Fucking liar. You were zoned out and staring at the wall for the last fifteen minutes.”

Rolling my eyes, I focus all my attention on him. “You were telling me all about how you and my sister are going to get hitched like Knox and Delaney, and I'll be the single one for the rest of my life.”

Z has been trying to figure out how he wants to ask Amelia to marry him since we picked out the ring, but keeps coming up empty. Nothing is good enough for her, according to him. He wants something memorable and perfect. Something she will be proud to tell her friends about. I mean, Knox is literally tattooing the question on his chest to ask Delaney. That’s a pretty high bar.

When did we reach this point? Was there a moment in time where we transitioned from a bunch of fuck boys who wouldn't commit to anyone to these guys who are totally ready to devote our whole lives to one person? I always thought out of the three of us, I'd be the first to get married. And if you had asked me, Knox never would have at all. He was too independent. Too closed off. And then Delaney came storming into his life and flipped the whole thing upside down.

Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for them. They deserve all the happiness in the world, and I'm glad they found their person. I'm just a little jaded, because I thought I found mine—twice.

“Overdramatic much?” he teases.

“Says the guy who is freaking out over how to pop the question.”

He throws his head back and groans. “Fuck off. I'm sure she's been dreaming of this since she was little. Sue me for wanting it to be special.”

I chuckle and throw one of the couch pillows at him. “The only part she's been dreaming of is you being the groom.”

“So, in the middle of sex is fine then?”

The smile is wiped straight from my face. “You two don't have sex.”

He smirks. “Is that really what you think?”

“It's what I force myself to believe so I don't kill you in your sleep.”

Raising his hands in surrender, he grins. “Fair enough. We're practically Mormons.”

If he wasn't my best friend, I'd knock him upside the head. But Zayn has done enough for me to deserve a lifetime supply of free passes. He could get away with murder in my book.

As I let myself drift back into thoughts of everything Kennedy, I start to wonder what her ideal proposal would look like. If I had a ring burning a hole in my pocket and was just waiting for the right moment to ask her. Would it be on a beach somewhere? Or in a field full of wildflowers? Knowing her, she would probably want something that looks amazing in pictures. A place she could go back to on our anniversary every year.

“I've got it!” Zayn snaps. “I'll take her up in a helicopter and have it written on the ground beneath us.”

“Eh, I was kind of expecting something a little more badass from you. I think she's turning you soft.”

He narrows his eyes at me. “In fire.”

A broad smile stretches across my face. “Now that's more like it.”

I'M SITTING IN THE kitchen, drinking a beer, when Amelia comes in. She drops her books onto the table and exhales in relief. I can't help but chuckle at her when she slumps down in a chair.

“I'm so tired I could sleep for a week,” she whines.

“You're the dumbass who chose to major in pre-law,” I tell her.

She turns toward me and glares, but before she can answer, Zayn comes into the room. He wraps his arms around Amelia from behind and she melts against him.

“Pretty sure that makes her a genius.”

My sister chuckles. “Someone has to become a lawyer and keep you guys out of prison.”

“Oh, come on,” I press. “We're not that bad.”

“No, of course not,” she deadpans. “Knox was just almost charged with murder. And Zayn nearly got killed trying to keep you away from a psychotic drug dealer.”

I tilt my head to the side. “Okay, fair enough. Study on.”

“Thank you.”

Finishing my beer, I grab another from the fridge and pass one to Zayn. After he finally figured out how he plans on proposing, he spent the rest of the afternoon making phone calls. Apparently, finding pyrotechnics who are willing and able to spell out a question in burning flames is not the easiest thing to do. When he found one who will, he damn near threw a party.

“I cannot wait for this semester to be over,” Amelia vents. “Between my course load and work, I'm exhausted.”

“Did you ask Kennedy about taking over a few of your shifts?” Zayn asks her.

My attention is fully grasped at the mention of my ex. Even if I wanted to, I don't have the ability to ignore it.

“Yeah. She and Tye are figuring it out,” she answers.

I lean forward on the island. “Speaking of Kennedy, how is she?”

“Easton.”

She hates giving me updates. She says it feels like betraying her best friend. For a while I was playing the brother card, but that only lasted until she found out about my fuck-up. Then it was null and void. I have to rely on other methods to get it out of her.

“Come on. Please?” My eyes widen in a way I know she has trouble ignoring.

As she looks back at Zayn, I watch something pass between them. It's silent but scary, and it immediately forms a pit in my stomach.

“Okay, now you have to tell me,” I demand. “What the hell is going on? Is she okay?”

Amelia sighs. “She's fine.”

“Then what was that look for?”

The worst thoughts start to pass through my mind as I try to figure it out, because whatever is actually going on doesn't seem fine at all. If it was fine, she wouldn't be so afraid to tell me. She glances back at Zayn again but this time I won't stand for it.

“Stop looking at him,” I growl. “Tell me what the fuck is up.”

Running her fingers through her hair, she gives me a sad smile. “She's just been hanging out with Alec a lot lately. She says they're just friends, but I don't know.”

Alec.According to Amelia, Alec is someone Kennedy knows from back home. They were neighbors or some shit, and he's been helping keep her “distracted.” Yeah, right. More like he's been trying to get in her pants. I'd bet money that it hasn't happened yet. Kennedy isn't like that. But it's only a matter of time before he has her brainwashed into thinking he's what she wants. There's always an ulterior motive with fuckheads like him.

“That's it,” I say, determined. “I'm going to talk to her.”

As I head for the door, Amelia jumps up and runs over to block it. “You don't want to do that.”

“Like fuck I don't. You said all I had to do was give her space! You said she'd come back to me!”

“I said she might come back to you,” she clarifies. “There's a lot of hurt there, E. You've got to give her time to get over that.”

“What if she never does?” I shout, feeling the panic of losing her for good. “What if she falls for someone else and never spares me a second thought?”

Amelia puts a hand on my arm. “Then you'll have to move on.”

“I don't want to!”

“I know.”

“I miss her.”

“I know that, too.”

Taking a deep breath, I exhale and try to imagine my stress going with it. My shoulders sag as I stare back at my sister. She means well, and this has to be hard for her too, but I just wish I could get my girl back.

“I don't like that guy.”

She smiles when she sees I'm calmer now. “Me either.”

I drop my head and nod. “I'm going to listen to music. Maybe go to sleep early.”

“You'll be okay?” Zayn questions.

“Yeah,” I answer honestly. “Just sucks.”

“All right, man. Let us know if you need anything.”

I thank them both and make my way upstairs and into my room. As soon as I shut the door behind me, I realize how not okay I actually am. Who does this prick think he is? All I know is that he better be just a friend, because if I find out he's more, I just might lose my shit.

The party is in full swing as I walk down the stairs, feeling on top of the world. I head for the fridge to grab a beer. Sexual exhaustion can make you thirsty as a motherfucker. As I wrap my hand around a bottle and pull it out, Zayn calls my name.

“How's Tess? She okay?” he asks.

I can't help but smile. “Couldn't be better. We couldn't be better.”

He raises a single brow. “You mean, you two...”

“Yep.” I bring the bottle to my lips and go to take a sip, when it hits me. “Wait. This isn't real.”

“What the hell are you talking about?”

Shaking my head, dread sets in. “This is a dream. It's not real. And when I go upstairs...”

Shit, Tessa!

The beer falls from my hand and shatters on the floor as I run for the stairs. I take them two at a time and rush for the bathroom door, but I already know when I get in there it's going to be too late. Still, I kick like my life is depending on it. Wood flies as I finally get it open, and sure enough, I find her slumped on the floor.

“Tessa!” I drop to my knees and grab her face, but it's not Tess after all.

It's Kennedy.

Her breathing is shallow and the color drains from her face right in front of me. Fuck, fuck, fuck. I pat her cheeks to try to wake her up, but she won't budge.

“Kennedy!” I scream. “Zayn!”

Each breath she takes seems further apart as my panic rises.

“Don't do this. Don't leave me,” I beg.

My vision is blurred as tears fill my eyes, but I can't stop.

I can't let her go.

I won't.

“Kennedy!”

Zayn appears in the doorway, but he just stands there—staring at me. No fear. No panic. No emotion at all. He doesn't even seem to care that Kennedy is dying right in front of me.

“What are you just standing there for?” I shout. “Call 911! Help me!”

He still just stands there. “There is no helping you. You did this to her.”

I shake my head and look back at the love of my life. “No. She'll be fine. Just like Tess. She'll be okay! Just fucking call 911!”

“She's gone, E.”

“No!” Laying her down, I start to do CPR the same way I did to Tessa. “She's going to be fine!”

“E,” Zayn deadpans.

“No!”

“Easton!”

My eyes fly open and I immediately sit up, clutching at my chest and trying to catch my breath. Zayn sits on the bed beside me and just watches to make sure I'm all right. It's been two years of these nightmares, so he's used to it by now, but this one was something different.

Something darker.

“You were screaming,” Amelia says.

It's then that I realize she's standing in the doorway. “It was just a bad dream.”

She obviously doesn't buy it, but she nods anyway and goes back to bed. Zayn, however, stays as my breathing evens out and I flop back on the bed.

“It wasn't the same nightmare, was it?” he asks.

I shake my head and rest my arm on my forehead. “It was, until it wasn't.”

“Worse?”

“Much worse.”

He sighs, staring at the floor. “I'm calling Jace's therapist tomorrow and making you an appointment.”

“No,” I argue. “I'll be fine.”

“You won't!” He finally turns to look at me. “It's been two goddamn years of this, E. And it's not getting any better. You're going to see a therapist.”

“And if I don't?”

“You will.” Z stands up and walks back to his room, leaving nothing up for discussion.

What he doesn't know is that I was seeing a therapist of sorts.

Tessa.

She's been taking classes to get her degree in psychology and was using the things she learned to try and help me. Though I wasn't exactly being honest. She seems to think I just have a little bit of residual fear. I didn't tell her about the nightmares or that I can't even take a Tylenol without it making me crave an oxycodone.

No.

This is my life, and I'm not fucking going.

I'll be fine.

I roll over onto my side, trying to fall back asleep. But every time I close my eyes, I picture Kennedy's lifeless body. I think of how she stopped breathing and her skin turned ghostly white. It stays in the front of my mind and keeps me wide awake.

After trying everything I can to wipe the vision from my mind, I throw the covers off me and sit up. I just need to make sure she's okay. Once I see that she's fine, alive and well and thriving, it'll go away.

As quietly as I can manage, I slip on my shoes and grab my keys off the dresser. The stairs creak under my footsteps but thankfully, as I get to the bottom, there's no movement from upstairs. They're probably sound asleep again by now.

Bastards.

It only takes ten minutes to get to Kennedy's dorm. Fortunately, the security guard knows who I am and lets me through. He must think we're still together otherwise, he would have told me to go home and come back during the day when she can sign me in herself.

The hallway is empty as I reach her floor, but what else would you expect at four in the morning? She's probably going to kill me for waking her up at this hour, but I can't help it. I need to see she's okay.

That she's safe.

That she's breathing.

That I didn't ruin her.

I knock lightly on the door at first, but there's no movement on the other side of the door. Raising my fist, I knock a little harder.

“Kennedy?”

Still nothing.

Fear and anxiety start to take over as I pound on the door. All I can picture is that she's in there, lifeless and cold. I shout her name as my fist beats on the door. Finally, someone across the hall yanks their door open and their eyes narrow on me.

“Can you shut the fuck up?” a girl sneers. “She's not in there.”

My brows furrow. “Where is she?”

“Fuck if I know.”

I open my mouth to respond, but I don't get a chance to as she slams the door shut again and turns the lock.

Fantastic.

Maybe she slept over at Tye's. They've always been close, but Amelia said Kennedy feels like it's easier to vent to Tye since she's not inclined to feel bad for me. Not going to lie, it sucks to know she's talking shit about me, but at least I'm still on her mind.

Resting my back against the door, I slide down until I'm sitting on the ground. I'll just wait here until she gets back. Then I can see that she's all right and stop letting my thoughts eat me alive. Who knows, maybe she'll even give me the time of day.

I WAKE TO THEfeeling of someone's hand on my arm. It's warm, yet sends shivers down my spine. My eyes blink open slowly, and the blurry image of Kennedy in front of me becomes clear. It all comes back to me in an instant.

The nightmare.

The pure, unadulterated fear.

The need to come check on her.

“Shit, sorry,” I tell her, forcing myself awake and jumping to my feet. “I didn't mean to fall asleep.”

“What are you doing here, Easton?”

“I, uh...”

Throughout the decision to come here, and the whole way over, I never figured out what I was going to say when I got here. It's not that she doesn't know I have nightmares. She's woken me up from enough of them as I was thrashing around in bed. It's just, we've never spoken about what they entail. Burdening her with my demons was never in the plans.

Still isn't.

Hell, even if it was, seeing her standing in front of me, it all fades away. My lungs feel like they double in size as I'm finally able to breathe again. She looks exhausted, like she hasn't gotten much sleep lately, and still, she's gorgeous.

“Is everything okay?” she asks.

The concern that laces her voice spurs hope inside my chest. If she still cares, there's still a chance for us, isn't there? I could still fix this.

I shake my head. “No. Things haven't been okay since the day you walked—”

“Hey, you forgot this in my car.”

My head whips over toward the culprit of the interruption, only to find Alec walking toward us with a textbook in his hand. As he notices it's me standing there, he slows down and looks between me and Kennedy. I turn to my ex and my stomach churns when I notice the guilty look on her face.

“Wow,” I mutter. “Just fucking wow.”

She exhales. “It's not what you think.”

The realization that the halls are still empty hits me, and I glance down at my watch.

4:53 a.m.

“Not what I think? So, you didn't just spend the night with him?”

“I did, but we were just—”

I put a hand up, cutting her off. “Save it. You don't owe me any explanations.”

“Easton,” she breathes, but I'm already walking away.

Using my shoulder, I shove past Alec and don't have a single regret as he stumbles into the wall. He's a weak little shit who snuck his way in with my girl when she was vulnerable. I know snakes like him. He's going to break her in ways I never would. But she's not my concern anymore.

She moved on, now I will, too.