Dirty Toe Drag by Toni Aleo

Chapter Twenty-Two

Wes

I feel there is a lot of guilt. You don’t like that you haven’t told Aiden—her brother and your best friend. She was being all romantic and flirty, and it was a lot to handle for someone who hasn’t had sex in over six months. And then she said a phrase your dad and stepmom used. On top of that, add in that Melody is obviously still messing with your head. Wes, it was a lot at once. I think we need to break this down, but in no way do I feel you were being abusive or even had any intention of hurting her. I think it’s sexual frustration that you turned into guilt very quickly, and we need to dive into that.

Noelle’s wordshave played over and over in my head since my session with her. I haven’t slept since I watched Stella leave. She doesn’t know that I watched her go out the door and into her car, but I’d be damned if I don’t know if she’s safe or not. She’s been texting me since last night, and I can’t bring myself to answer her. I am disgusted with myself. I sucked at morning skate, sucked more at tapes, and then when it was time for therapy, our session that is usually only an hour turned into three. Noelle nailed it on the head immediately—I feel like shit because I’m hiding this relationship from Aiden. I feel like I’m hiding my past from Stella. I still hear that Melody chick in my head, telling me I’m not healing, that I’m not made for relationships, and I want so desperately to prove her wrong. I’m frustrated with the Assassins’ game play. I know we’ll make it out of the first round of the play-offs, but after that, we’re fucked. And above all that, I’m horny as fuck.

It’s all bullshit. I shouldn’t have to struggle with this shit the way I am. I think I overreact to situations because I want to make sure I am doing the right thing. So much wrong was done to me, and just when I thought I was healing—boom! Triggers. I want to move on, but what if I can’t? It’s fucking terrifying and I haven’t cried in a good long time, but damn if I don’t want to. The thought of not being good enough for Stella makes me want to sob.

How could I screw up what we had last night? From the moment I saw her, my day was better. Stella, standing in my house, looking all cute and tired from work, all ready to be mine for the night. I wanted her—God, I wanted her—but I resisted.

Then I went and ruined it.

It’s so hard not to go back to when I was a teenager, being called a fuckup, a loser, and a piece of shit, all while being molested in a way that was a mindfuck itself. How do you make me feel like dirt but then get pleasure from my body? It’s unfair. But I am not that kid anymore. I am a man. No one can make me feel like that anymore. I am in control of myself, my body, and I want to give it to Stella. I want to be honest. I want to open up to her and tell her everything.

Will she want me afterward, though?

After I shower at the house, clean up, and go through the drive-through for some Zaxby’s, I head toward Aiden’s house. He’s playing Call of Duty, and he asked if I wanted to come hang out since Shelli was out doing gender reveal stuff. I know damn well I need to call Stella. Ease her worries. But like I did in therapy, I need to take care of things in order. While I know she is worried and probably pissed at me, if I don’t tell Aiden that I am falling hopelessly in love with his baby sister, I don’t know if I can move on. I need to know if he will want to kill me or support us. If I don’t do it now, I don’t know when I will. I know one thing for sure, I hate looking into his face and acting as if I’m not completely captivated by Stella.

When I pull up to the house, I sit in front of it creepily as I eat. I’m buying time, being a pussy, but I need to gather my words.

Aiden, I’m dating your sister.No. That’s not good enough

Can I date Stella?It has to be better than that.

Aiden, when I was talking about the exceptional girl? It is your sister. He might hit me.

Aiden, listen, dude. I’m fucked up and I know that, but I want to try to be in a committed relationship with your sister because I know I’ll never find anyone as incredible as her. Don’t kill me. He’ll definitely kill me.

I’m not the man I was, Aiden. Trust me. I care deeply for your sister, and I want you to know I am with her.I’m a dead man walking.

As I scroll through my messages with Stella, I don’t have to hear her voice to know she is worried. Each text has more concern in it than the last. I lick my lips, reading her words and missing her like crazy. It’s been over ten hours; there’s no telling what she thinks now. If I even say I’ll call her, it wouldn’t matter. I already fucked up with the length of time I’ve waited. I should have texted her this morning, but it seemed like every time I wanted to, I didn’t feel I had the time to reassure her. I have to explain myself, get her to forgive me. Now, there is no point. I have to own up to what I did, how long it took me to contact her, and that she should probably run. I don’t even know why I am at Aiden’s. I wouldn’t stay with my wishy-washy, broken self.

I take that back. If it were for Stella, I’d stay.

God, I’m an idiot.

When I finish my food, I still don’t go inside. I sit in the truck, playing on my phone and trying to gather the confidence to go into the house and tell my best friend exactly what is weighing me down. I look up at the house, hoping for some sign to tell me to go in, and I get just that.

Aiden is standing on the porch.

“Hey, stalker! You can’t stalk me. I’m married and don’t swing that way. Instead, come in and play games with me.”

I snort at his dorkiness as I nod. “I’m coming.”

Grudgingly, I roll up the windows, gather my trash, and shut off the truck before getting out. Aiden is looking at me like I’m crazy. “What were you doing? You sat in there for like an hour.”

I shrug. “I was eating, and since I didn’t bring you anything, I didn’t want to make you jealous.”

He shoots me a deadpan expression. “So instead, you show me the wrapper from my favorite fast-food place? That’s rude.”

“Sorry.” I laugh as I move past him, entering their newly built home. They’ve only been here a month or so, and boy is it high-class. All modern, but with a farmhouse feel. I think that’s due to Shelli’s mom, but it works. Aiden loves it mostly because Shelli does. They’d had some bad luck looking for houses, but not with this one. It’s perfect. Six bedrooms, a man cave, a huge kitchen, large living room, a billion bathrooms, it seems, along with a big backyard and in-ground pool, which is not done yet but will be by the summer. It’s pretty badass.

I throw away my trash and then head to the couch where he is sitting. He’s in lounge clothes, with his headset hanging on one ear. He’s such a nerd when it comes to his games. Not that I’m any better. He hands me a controller, and we get started. One of my favorite pastimes is gaming with Aiden. When we first came to the Assassins, that was all we did. Two single dudes, enjoying the gaming life and partying our way through Nashville. It was a blast, but then Shelli came along.

We don’t talk much as we play, and the anxiety of telling him is driving me nuts. When my phone goes off, I glance down to see that it’s Stella once more.

Stella: Dude, just tell me you’re alive. This is ridiculous. I’m not some ho off the street. I care about you.

Yeah, I’m fucked.

I put down the controller, much to Aiden’s dismay, to type back real fast.

Me: I am. I’m sorry. Give me a few.

Stella: Give you a few? Okay. Whatever.

Yup, so fucked.

“Chatting with your girlfriend?” Aiden teases just as I’m killed. Damn it.

“Yeah,” I say, putting my phone down again and letting out a long, angst-filled sigh.

“How’re things going?”

I swallow hard. This is my opening. “Um, okay. I kind of fucked up today.”

“Shit, what did you do?”

“I’ve left her on read all day. I asked her to go home last night after I got super embarrassed.”

Aiden glances over at me for a second. “Yeah, start from the beginning.”

I exhale, muttering a curse. I need to be honest. That’s what I came here to do, yet I say, “Um, she came over after the game. We were hanging out, doing some kissing and—” I pause, and he looks over at me. How do I explain this without telling him my history? “I feel you need the backstory.”

“Backstory of what?”

“Of before.”

“Before?”

I pause, a lump the size of Tennessee making it really hard to breathe. “Listen, dude, please keep this to yourself, but I was molested from when I was thirteen until I was sixteen.”

He drops the controller into his lap, his eyes meeting mine. “Are you for real?”

“Yeah, which is why I’m in therapy and all that shit. I was tired of not handling what happened, so I started taking it all really seriously.”

“Fuck, man.”

“Yeah. And one of the things they would say before they would force me into something I didn’t want to do was that they didn’t like me. That they hated me.”

“What sick fucks.”

“Yeah,” I agree with a soulless laugh. “You have no clue.”

“I’m sorry, man.”

I nod. “It’s over. I’m healing. But my girl said that last night, that she didn’t like me, and I freaked out even though I knew she was joking. And I just grabbed her.”

He looks surprised. “Grabbed her? Like, violently?”

“No, just to stop her. Hell, she thought I was trying to make things hot.”

“Oh. So, not hard at all.”

“No. I just needed her not to say anything else, and I couldn’t control myself. I freaked out, asked her to leave, and now I’m so embarrassed that I won’t answer her.”

“Does she know?”

“No,” I say, feeling more like a piece of shit. “I need to explain myself.”

“Yeah. And bring loads of flowers and a guitar and sing to her. You done fucked up.”

I smile. “Yeah. Yeah, I did.”

“But I think once you explain yourself, she’ll understand. I mean, she’ll need to decide if she wants to accept this part of you or not.”

Fuck, will he be saying this when he finds out it’s his sister?

Suddenly, he roars in anger when he dies in the game. “I was hiding!”

I laugh. “You suck.”

“You died first!”

“Well, I suck,” I laugh, and he grins, throwing down his controller.

“Want a beer?”

I shake my head. “No, therapy day.”

“It must have been a doozy,” he says, getting up and heading to the kitchen.

“That’s putting it mildly.”

He grimaces. “Sorry, man. But don’t worry. Things with your girlie will work out. Do you want a bottle of water? Tea? Milk?”

I get up, needing to finish this conversation. I follow after him, entering the large and very sleek kitchen. “Did Shelli make the tea?”

He nods. “She did.”

“I’ll take some,” I say since it’s my favorite. I don’t know what kind of magic she puts in that tea, but I swear it’s the best tea in Nashville, Tennessee. He gets me a glass of ice and fills it up with tea before sliding it across the bar to me. I catch it, bringing up the glass and drinking from it earnestly. So damn good. As I down half the glass, he opens his beer, taking a long pull. I clear my throat and ask, “Where is Shelli? Your mom’s?”

“Yeah. They’re decorating for tomorrow. I think I’m driving her crazy trying to figure out what we’re having.”

I grin. “What do you think it is?”

“I want a boy, but I’m pretty sure it’s a girl.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, I don’t know. I got a feeling.”

“I think it’s a girl too,” I admit, and he groans.

“I’m going to be so broke.”

We laugh together. “For sure. Girls are expensive.”

“So expensive, and Shelli is so over the top. Jesus, my baby will be wearing Gucci before she’s one.”

“Absolutely.”

The kitchen fills with more of our laughter, but as mine trails off, Aiden smiles. “Dude, everything is going to be okay. I know it all seems a little rough, but if she’s as great as you say, I think she’ll understand.”

“I…” I start, but then the words trail off. I don’t know what the hell I am doing here. “I need to be honest with you.”

He doesn’t move, though I see nothing but compassion on his face. That may change very soon, though. “Okay. You know I got you. What’s up?”

I clear my throat again, trying to get the lump out of it that has returned to suffocate me. “I…um…well—” I stop, unsure what to say. Do I just say it? Do I beat around the bush? Fuck.

“Wes. Come on. It’s me,” he urges, concern and playfulness on his face. “I got you, dude.”

I meet his gaze once more, ripping off the Band-Aid. “I’ve been dating your sister for the last couple weeks.”

I’m met with silence, his eyes narrowing a bit as he stares at me. “My sister?”

“Yeah. Stella.”

His brows go up into his hairline. “Stella. My sister?”

“Yes.”

He swallows hard, his eyes darkening as he holds my gaze. “You’ve been dating my sister Stella.”

“I have,” I admit, unable to look away. “The guilt of not telling you from the beginning has me a mess. I don’t want to lie to you, but I also can’t give her up.”

“You can’t give up my sister Stella.”

Yeah, this is going great. I brace for impact. “No. I, ugh—” I try, but the words elude me. Though, like a light switching on, suddenly, they’re right there. “I’m falling in love with her.”

Once more, his brows shoot up into his hairline as his jaw goes slack, hanging open for a second before he asks, “You’re falling in love with my baby sister Stella?”

I’m waiting for him to swing on me. “I know this is a lot to take in—”

“Uh, yeah,” he says dryly, his jaw still slack.

“But I hope you know that I’ve changed so much in the last year. I truly want to be the elite version of myself for your sister because she deserves the best. My intentions are pure. I want to make a life with her.”

“You invited my sister Stella to your house last night and grabbed her and then kicked her out, and you’ve left her texts on read all day?”

I’m sure I look like a deer in headlights. This has to be where he swings on me. “I did, and I’m an asshole.”

He just blinks. “Wow. Okay,” he says slowly, shaking his head. “I’m processing. Give me a second.”

I nod. “Absolutely. I’m truly sorry it’s taken me this long to tell you. I wanted to from the start, but we wanted to make sure it was worth telling you. And then when I realized it was definitely worth it, everything was happening with the baby.”

“She didn’t want to tell me?”

“No, she wanted to, but I wanted to be the one to tell you. Man-to-man.”

He blows out a big breath before taking a long pull of his beer. When he sets down the bottle, he leans his elbows on the bar, taking in deep breaths over and over again. He opens his mouth, but then he snaps it shut as he sits there, not looking at me, his hands over his face. I truly expect the worst. But why hasn’t he hit me yet? I’m desperate to know what’s going on in his head.

It’s as if I have diarrhea of the mouth. “I really want your support because I don’t think I can choose between you two.”

His eyes widen, looking up at me through his fingers. “Who would you choose?”

I hold his gaze, my heart aching. “Aiden, I love you like a brother. I do. But she makes me feel a way I’ve never felt, and I get that it’s really early, but she’s special.”

“So, you’d choose her?” he asks, his eyes burning into mine. “My sister. Stella.”

“I would,” I say so confidently, I even surprise myself.

“I should kick your ass,” he says after a moment. “I should beat the fuck out of you—for putting your hands on my sister and for lying to me.”

“Yeah. I mean, I fully expected that.” I dig my heels into the ground, bracing my core, so I can take his punches. I’m sure this going to suck, but I had no choice.

“I won’t, though,” he says softly.

“You won’t? Why?” I ask, unclenching my asshole.

He scoffs. “Because I respect you. Listen, I know things haven’t been easy for you. I know you struggle. I know you’re working hard to be a good guy. I’ve seen it, dude. I believe in you, and all I want is for you to be happy. Now that I know what you went through, I can’t even imagine. You fought hard to be who you are now, and I respect that. You are my brother.”

“You are mine,” I say softly, holding his gaze. “I’m sorry.”

“You don’t need to apologize. I get it. Why upset me if you two aren’t serious?”

“Those were our thoughts exactly.”

“But I will take that apology for putting your hands on my sister.”

“Yes, please. It was totally uncalled-for, but I apologized to her over and over again, and she promised it didn’t hurt.”

“Yeah, I get that,” he says, inhaling. “If…” He pauses, letting the breath he just inhaled out in a whoosh. “If Stella makes you happy and you make her happy, then I’m happy.”

“Really?” I ask, emotion clogging my throat.

“Really,” he says slowly. “I trust you. Fully. I know you, and I know you would never hurt her. You’re loyal to a fault, dude. And while it’s hard to wrap my head around it—my sister and you together—in a way, I should have seen it coming.”

I wait for the relief to flood me, but it isn’t coming. I don’t believe this is happening. “What do you mean?”

Aiden chuckles, grinning up at the ceiling. “I see the way you two look at each other. She is all about you, always has been, and I think I was trying to keep you two apart because I knew you were struggling. I didn’t want that on her or to send you over the edge.”

I swallow hard. “You’re right, but things are different now.”

“They are. I believe that. I do.”

Our eyes lock, and I feel he has more to say. “Do you want to hit me?”

He laughs. “No. Because in all honesty, I couldn’t pick a better dude for my sister. I mean that.”

Finally, that relief floods me. “I won’t let you down. Or her. Or hell, myself.”

“I know,” he agrees, holding my gaze. “’Cause if you do, I’ll kill you.”

My lips quirk at the side. “Duly noted.”

“And if you ever hurt her—”

“I won’t.”

He reaches out, slapping me on the shoulder. “We’re good, dude.”

“You sure?”

“Totally,” he says. “But remember, I won’t go to jail for Stella, but Emery will.”

I widen my eyes. “That kid scares me.”

He nods. “She scares us all.”

We give each other a knowing look, and then I throw a cheesy grin at him. “Are you sure you don’t want to kick my ass?”

He laughs. “It was my first thought, but no.”

I nod. “I have to say, I’m a wee bit underwhelmed. My asshole has been clenched ever since I pulled up. I was truly ready for an ass-kicking with the way you threaten everyone when it comes to Stella.”

He snorts, but then his eyes meet mine, and he nods. “You’re not everyone, Wes. You’re my best friend, and I trust you.”

Yeah, no pressure at all. And fuck, if it doesn’t make me hope I didn’t waste my time. That when I finally get to Stella, she won’t tell me to go fuck myself. Not that I would blame her. I completely shut down, I let her down, and I didn’t contact her when I should have. I didn’t hold up my side of the relationship, and I have some groveling to do.

I just hope she is as patient with me as Aiden has been.