Twist Me by Mia Monroe
Grey
After days of thinking about the incident with Andres and how I want to move forward, I’ve come to a decision. It’s never been a goal to tell every person I know that I’m a trans man, but these aren’t just people. These are friends, found family, people who I truly believe care about me. After the mail I got this morning, the decision was easy to make.
After a deep breath, I knock on Jude’s office door.
“Enter.”
When I walk in, Apollo is there, making the resolve I had just now melt like ice cream on a hot day.
“Uh, just saying hi.” Because that’s normal.
Jude gives me a funny look. “Hey. You need to talk or something?”
My eyes flash to Apollo, who’s looking down at some papers, and Jude must pick up on it because he nods.
“Can you give us a few, Apollo?”
He looks up as if he has just realized I’m there. “Oh yeah, man. No problem.”
He leaves and closes the door behind him. Jude offers a comforting smile. “You okay?”
“Yeah. Totally okay. Just, um, wanted to tell you something.”
“Have a seat.”
I sit across from him, my eyes taking in the stacks of papers, his open laptop, the wedding pic of him and Briar, anything but Jude’s face. He stays silent, giving me a few awkward moments to get my nerve back.
“There’s something I’ve never told you, but I want to tell you now.”
“Okay.” Jude leans back in his chair, his hand dragging through his hair. He looks concerned, his brow creased.
“Um, so…” I pause, swallowing hard. “I’m, um, well…”
“Grey. What’s wrong? Are you sick, or are you trying to quit or something?”
I clear my throat. “No. Neither of those. Sorry. I’m just nervous because I don’t tell people this much.” I straighten my shoulders, practicing a few slow breaths like Mitsu taught me to help ground me. “Okay. Jude, I’m trans.” There. I said it.
Jude tilts his head for a moment, and I can see it slowly sink in as he nods and his features soften. “Oh. Why are you telling me?”
“I don’t tell people because I don’t want to be that guy, you know?”
Jude nods.
“I just want to be Grey. I transitioned a long time ago, so very few people in my current life knew me before transition.”
Jude is silent as he waits for me to continue. I can’t read what he’s thinking, so I press on.
“I’m telling you because an important part of my life is the work I do with transgender youth and their families. I was very fortunate with a supportive family and resources to get the care I needed, but a lot of people don’t have that.”
“Right.”
“In the past I’ve only told romantic partners because my anatomy is different. I’ve been afraid to tell other people like friends and coworkers, but I consider you both a boss and a-a friend, and I want to talk about that part of my life sometimes.”
“Okay.”
“But I’m worried about being rejected, I guess. Mitsu knows. Obviously.” I laugh nervously. “He’s made me start looking at things differently. I still don’t want to be the trans tattoo artist. I still just want to be Grey, but it’s part of me. It made me who I am today, literally.”
Jude is still silent, so I blow out a breath.
“I’ve spent a lot of time being afraid. I’ve decided for people how they would feel about me. I’ve let it prevent me from having deeper friendships and even love, until now.”
A smile pulls at Jude’s lips. “You’re in love?”
“Yeah.” I nod. “First time.”
“It’s cool, isn’t it?”
“So cool.” I pause. “I’m changing. I’m not gonna walk around with a banner around my neck or anything, but with certain people, I’m not gonna decide how they would feel if they knew. I’ll find out how they feel when they know. Starting with you.”
Jude nods. “Well, Grey, I’m totally honored you would share this with me. I can tell it was a big decision. For me, nothing’s changed. You’re still Grey, a very talented artist and a good guy. I acknowledge what you went through to get here, and I can only imagine how difficult it was. Mad respect.”
“Thank you.”
“I think you’ll find the other artists will feel the same way I do. I’ve been abundantly blessed with finding exceptional artists who are also damn good people at the end of the day. I won’t say a word to anyone. It’s your story to share.”
I nod, smiling. “I was, um, planning on inviting the Black Heart guys and the guys from the bakery to an event. It’s a big night at this center downtown. It’s a fundraiser.”
“That’s great. Want to tell them in the morning meeting later?”
I nod, even though my stomach twists in a knot. “Yeah.”
“Cool. I’ll set it up and let you run with it.”
“Thanks. I guess this wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be.”
“That’s good. It shouldn’t be hard to be yourself.”
“I agree.”
Shortly after talking to Jude, the other employees start shuffling in for our morning meeting. Apollo goes over a lot of updates about procedures and processes and Jude adds a few too. Finally, Jude looks at me and smiles.
“Grey has news to share as well.”
I stand, smiling at the room of expectant faces. “Hey. Um, so I wanted to invite all of you to an event at the LGBTQ+ youth center I work with downtown. It’s next month, and I can get the exact date. It’s a big fundraising event for the work they do. They help all LGBTQ+ youths, but they focus on transgender youth. They have counseling, shelter, medical care, and even job assistance, and it’s all free to the kids.”
When I finally tear my eyes from my shoes, I see smiling faces.
“I volunteer there too. I do a lot of speaking at the support groups to parents and transgender kids or people still trying to understand their gender identity. As a transgender man who transitioned many years ago, I think it’s helpful for them to see what’s possible. They can live a normal life. A happy one. They can have jobs and friends and be accepted. Like I feel I am.” I see a few flickers of surprise, but then Casper winks at me with a little thumbs up. I smile back.
Luca pushes the back of my knee with his foot. “I’m in. I’ll drag those pretty boys of mine with me.”
“I’m in too,” Casper says. “I’m sure Saint will come as well.”
“Felix will be all over that,” Apollo says.
“You can count on me and Bri,” Jude says.
“Thanks, guys. That’s all.”
After the meeting breaks up, Jude pats my back as Apollo walks over.
“Hey, can, um, adults come, or is it just for kids?”
“To the support group?”
“Yeah.”
“Anyone can come. It’s mostly teenagers, but we get young adults and even kids sometimes.”
“Cool.” He nods. “I have a friend in his head about some stuff. Maybe it would help him. He doesn't want to go to therapy yet, but maybe a group would work.”
“Yeah, it’s really non-threatening. He wouldn’t have to talk. He could just listen.”
“Okay. I’ll let him know about it. Thanks for inviting us.”
“You’re welcome.”
I return to my station, checking my calendar for the day, when Sam appears next to me. “Hey, Sam.”
“Hey.” They smile. “I think it’s cool you told us, but it’s really cool you transitioned. I know it’s hard.”
“It can be. Like I said, I was lucky, but not everyone is.”
“For sure. When I was younger, I was questioning too, you know. I found some groups online, met some cool people. I struggled because I didn’t feel male and I didn’t feel female. I wasn’t attached or disgusted by my anatomy. Over time I learned I’m nonbinary and that finally felt right. Sometimes I express a feminine side and sometimes I feel more masculine, but most of the time I just feel like Sam.” They smile. “I wish everyone could find the peace I found. The peace you found. So thank you for sharing your history. I feel happy every time I see someone who is able to live as their true selves.”
“Thank you for telling me, Sam. I’m glad you found your peace too.”
As I start my day, a smile pulls at my lips. I can’t wait to tell Mitsu I did it. I told them and it was fine. To them I’m not Grey the Trans Guy. I’m just...Grey.
And there’s no one I’d rather be.