Till It Hurts by Cora Brent
Tori
Then
“Hey.” Colt stands in the doorway and his standard expression of bored contempt is gone, replaced by a manner that’s nearly timid. We haven’t said much to each other in the last three weeks since the rivalry game, or at least I haven’t said much to him. He tries to spark small talk at home and I don’t answer. He seeks me out at school and I ignore him.
I pour more paint into the roller tray. “What do you want?”
He hesitates and then cautiously walks in and stiffly takes a seat on my bed, which is covered in a plastic drop cloth. He glances at the desk and then the closet door and the ceiling. Then he finally looks at me. “I just wanted to make sure you’re okay.”
“I’m fine. I’m great. I’m just kind of busy getting rid of this pink.” With the roller I add a crooked band of paint to the wall.
He clears his throat. “Maybe I could help you paint.”
“No. There’s only one roller.”
“I’m sure there’s another one in the garage.”
“I’d rather do this by myself.” I drop the roller back into the paint tray. “It’s just about time for me to get ready anyway.”
“Ready for what?”
“Rico’s picking me up soon. We’re going out.” I’m making it sound like a date and it’s not. I know Rico has a thing for me but I just want to get out of the house for a couple of hours.
“Oh yeah.” He makes a face. Then he sighs. “Are you going to watch the game?”
Arcana High plays for the county title tonight, just one stop on the long march to the state championships. The game will be broadcast on channel three. Jace, of course, will be leading his team as the quarterback. Arcana is favored to win.
I face my brother with a glare. “What game?”
Colt squirms and the plastic hisses. He slides a hand through his hair, which hasn’t been cut in too long. After a series of movements that include cracking his knuckles, studying his shoes and brushing his palm over his thigh, he finally looks at me. He swallows. “I was listening.”
“To what?”
“To you and Jace. That day. I didn’t mean to. You had your window open and I was standing by the garage.”
“So you know all the sordid specifics. Don’t tell me you’re here to deliver a morality lecture.”
He holds his hands out in a helpless plea. “I’ve been trying to figure out how to talk to you but it’s been hard.”
I nod. “Because you’re so approachable yourself.”
Colt closes his eyes for a second and drops his head. “Why did you lie to him?”
I cross my arms over my chest. My answer is hard silence.
He getting upset. “Because I know damn well that you haven’t been with anyone else so don’t tell me different. Sounds like he wasn’t fooled, though.” Colt chews his lip and looks distressed. “You don’t know how much I wish I’d known what you were dealing with. That you thought you were pregnant and-“
“It’s none of your fucking business.”
He flinches and hunches his shoulders as if he’s just been slapped. I remain rooted to the spot and watch as he struggles with trying to figure out what to say next. We’re only separated by about eight feet of space but it might as well be eight million miles of impassable distance.
There’s never been a time in my memory when Colt wasn’t right there. Every single piece of my history is connected to Colt. I had to start school a year late because I needed to look after Colt. Jace was Colt’s best friend and that’s a big reason why Jace became such a central part of my life. I’ve always been ordered to watch out for Colt, to help Colt, to worry about Colt. The fact is, my brother is an anchor around my neck and I’m fucking sick of carrying the weight.
Colt gazes at me with sadness. “Tor, I just want you to know that if you ever want to talk…”
I laugh out loud. “You mean talk to you? No thanks. I’d probably choose something more satisfying. Like pulling out my own thumbnail.”
“Tori.” He’s looking more distraught by the second. “I know things have been fucked up for a while, but you’re my sister.”
“That’s funny, Colt, because there have been a lot of times lately when I needed my brother. Really needed him. But you didn’t care. All you’ve ever cared about is yourself. Now I don’t need you anymore. Now get the hell out of my room.”
He’s not crying but he’s pretty close. For all the times he’s made me cry over the past couple of months, I refuse to feel sorry for him. I’m not even sure that I believe what I’m saying. But ever since those agonizing moments of blood and pain and sheer hell on Rochelle’s bathroom floor, I feel nothing at all. I’m empty.
“GET OUT!” I scream. I pick up the paint roller, ready to throw it at his face if he still won’t move. Paint drips on the floor.
Colt races out of the room without looking at me. Seconds later the windows rattle when he slams the front door shut.
I can’t breathe easily and my brain is a fog of anguish. I smear the paint roller on the wall, then dip it back into the paint and keep going until most of the wall is covered.
An hour later when Rico rings the doorbell I realize I have completely forgotten about him.
“Sorry,” I tell him, feeling genuinely bad. “Just give me a minute to change.”
He smiles. “You look great the way you are.”
I want to smile back. He’s a nice guy. He asked me to come out tonight, ‘just as friends’ but I realize he has hopes. He should find another girl to spend time with, one who isn’t a hollow shell.
“We don’t have to stay out late,” he says as if he’s reading my thoughts. “My mom wants me back by ten anyway. And no pressure, Tori. Let’s just go out and have fun for a little while.”
I nod. “All right.” I run back to my room to grab my bag and phone. My mother refused to return my original phone so my dad bought me a new one. I even have a new phone number. It’s a new start all around.
Rico is polite and not even slightly aggressive. Of course he knows about my breakup with Jace. Everyone knows. He talks about school and his college plans and tries to tempt me to eat by ordering a giant plate of nachos at the sports themed diner he takes me to. It’s easy enough to keep him talking with strategic questions now and then. It saves me from having to speak much at all.
Some shouting and cheering, along with a hefty springling of boos, erupts at the bar. All the attention is fixed on the mounted television set. I see the Arcana High colors and my stomach flips, threatening to purge the two sodas and handful of tortilla chips within. Channel three is broadcasting the high school county championship game and the clock has just run out. Arcana High wins.
“That Zielinski kid is a freaking steamroller,” declares one customer with grudging respect before hailing the bartender for another shot.
The field is a scene of celebration. The players and the coaches are all backslapping and hugging each other. The cheerleading squad runs over to rejoice with them. The camera zeroes in on a closeup shot of Jace just as Brynna Graff jumps into his arms. He spins her around, laughing all the while.
I don’t know what happens after that.
I’ve stopped watching.
I’m staring at a crack in the colorfully tiled table and feeling the world retreat.
“Tori?” Rico gently touches my arm.
I look up and find his face is full of sympathy. He knows what I saw on the screen. He feels very sorry for me.
“Tori, why don’t I take you home now?”
On the ride home, Rico assures me that he’s not angry at all to be ending the night early. In fact, he was thinking he’d rather work in his garage this evening. It’s probably a lie but it’s a kind lie and so I accept it.
My mother and Rusty are home now. They are nestled together on the sofa and watching some true crime show.
Rusty sets his beer down and gives me a friendly greeting. “Hey there, Tori.”
“Hi.” I perch on the arm of the sofa. My mother’s new husband isn’t terrible. He’s just rather oblivious. I guess he’d have to be in order to put up with her.
My mother curls her legs underneath her and throws me an irritated look. “Don’t sit on the edge of the furniture like that.”
With a sigh, I stand up. “Is Colt here?”
“No.” She smacks Rusty’s thigh. “I told you not to give him money. He’ll just do something stupid with it.”
Rusty is perplexed. “It was just twenty bucks, Janna. Let the kid go out and have a good time. He’s had a rough go of it lately.”
My mother rolls her eyes.
I clear my throat, rather loudly. “Do you know if he’ll be back soon?”
My mother shrugs. “How should I know? It’s not like he has enough respect to tell me his plans.”
Rusty gives me a troubled look. “Are you all right, Tori?”
“I’m fine. I’ll be in my room painting.”
They have no clue about what happened the night of the rivalry game. My father agreed that no one else needs to know. He pleaded with me to change my mind about living with him and Rochelle but nothing could drag me back to Arcana now, not even the promise of a baby sister. Rochelle will be having a little girl in a few months. As for my breakup with Jace, my dad didn’t have much to say about it while my mother ordered me to stop being upset because there are plenty of other boys in the world.
And I’ll never want any of them.
My bed is still covered with a drop cloth and I stretch out on the plastic. It’s not especially comfortable, but I’m too tired to do anything to fix the situation.
I wish I’d accepted Colt’s help with painting the room.
I wish I hadn’t chased him out of here today.
I wish I’d told Jace the truth.
I wish I could rewind time to the beginning of the last season, when we were all happy and hopeful and together.
I wish the three of us were still as young as we were then, at that first summer party in the old orchard.
I wish a lot of things.
Every single one of them makes me cry till it hurts.