The Embrace by Vivian Wood

31

Iwake up in the early morning hours and reach out to Kaia, only to feel a cool expanse of bed where she usually sleeps. I cast my mind back over and try to think of where she is…

Then I remember why she is gone. It all comes back in a rush.

Her announcement, her pregnancy, me essentially kicking her out on the street.

The feeling of immense loneliness I had right after she left. I watched her walk away, knowing that she wasn’t going to come back.

It takes me a few hours to even call my brother and tell him that Kaia ended things between us. In short order, he picks me up in his Mercedes S class and we head to the coast, to the small beach house I own.

As the car climbs the final hill to the house, memories hit me.

Memories of Kaia, seeing this place for the first time.

Of her holding my hand as we walked in the yard, looking at the raging sea.

I swallow a rising tide of loneliness and wonder how exactly I got here.

When the car finally pulls up to the house, I look over at my brother. He has been mostly silent for the entire trip. Lucas gets out of the car without a word to me and I heave a sigh.

I get out and stretch, looking around. The little house is still just as I left it, though it's now colder outside. The foliage has lost its verdant vibrancy and the sand now overtakes most of the driveway.

I follow Lucas into the house, loving the smell of the walnut wood cleaner that the house keeper uses on all the wood in here.

I follow Lucas into the living room and kitchen, eyeing him.

“So?”

He ignores that, walking to the French doors that look out over the sea.

I cross my arms. “Out with it.”

He glances at me. “I don’t think that you want to hear what I have to say, honestly.”

“Are you going to talk about whatever is bothering you? Or are you just going to pout?”

He shoots me a glare. “I’m just here to support you, I guess. As usual.”

I frown at him a little and head over to the refrigerator, pulling it open. I find a six pack of the beer I like chilling inside. I don't even ask, I just hand him a beer.

He studies me while he pops the top. I gesture around the room.

“Go right ahead, then,” I demand. “You obviously have something to say. So what is it?”

His mouth pulls down at the corners. “Later, okay? Let's just settle in here for a little bit first. I'm going to go grab our bags from the car.”

He sets his drink down, untouched, and stalks off toward the back of the house.

I shake my head and head outside through the French doors. I only walk twenty yards before the well-maintained grass melts away and in its place is pure rock. The dark blue sea swells and crashes against the rocks below me as I walk toward the cliff edge.

I stand still, regarding the grandeur of the ocean.

Mysterious. Enigmatic. Unknowable.

How I wish that I were more like the roiling expanse of the sea that I look down upon now.

My lips twist bitterly. No, instead I am just a chump.

Not everyone can see my soft insides, of course. I work very hard to make my outer shell as hard and spiky as possible.

But Kaia saw it.

She knew just where to hit me so that I hurt. She took advantage of that weakness, that hesitant willingness to be open with her.

As I stand and stare out at the horizon where the seemingly endless blue sky meets the curve of the dark blue water, Lucas joins me.

He looks at me, sipping his beer silently. I scowl at him.

“What?”

He shrugs a shoulder and looks at me, giving me a baffled expression.

“You pulled me out of a work meeting and said that Kaia broke up with you. Then you refused to explain any of the surrounding events. And now I'm here, apparently…” He gives me a look. “It's all your show. I don't think that you have listened to a single word I've said this entire time.”

Glaring at my brother, I look up and let my head fall back. “Is this what it feels like to be alone?”

Lucas sighs. “Are you going to tell me what happened or not? What did she do? I'm one hundred percent sure that she didn't just break up with you out of the blue.”

I purse my lips and raise my arms to the sky. “No… No, she didn't. But she did tell me that she's pregnant.”

Silence reigns for half a minute, long enough for me to slide a glance over at Lucas. He has a dumbfounded expression on his face.

“She told you she’s pregnant?”

I give a bark of bitter laughter. “That's right. You heard it here first. I'm going to be a proud father. Fucking hell.”

He squints off into the distance. “So she told you that she was pregnant and then broke up with you? She didn't say anything? That doesn't sound like her.”

I pull a face. “It didn't happen exactly like that.”

He runs a hand over his face and then shoves it through his dark hair. “How about you just tell me what fucking happened and let me make up my own mind about it?”

His sharp tone catches me by surprise. I glance at him, frowning.

“We got up yesterday morning. The story about the two of us obviously broke in the morning papers. I was distracted by that… And then she sat me down and she told me that she is not only pregnant… but that she's keeping it.” I scowl. “End of story. What's so mysterious about that timeline?”

“Calum…”

I glance over at him, my gut roiling. “What?”

“Did Kaia break up with you?”

“She didn't have to. Every single time that we talked about the possibility of having kids, I was very clear with her. I told her that I wouldn't be a good father. Eventually, I told her that we could talk about it again in ten years. That was mostly just to get her off my back, though.”

He looks confused. “So did she say that she planned to get knocked up? I don't quite understand where your anger is stemming from.”

I roll my eyes. “Well, of course Kaia claims that the pregnancy was an accident…”

He cuts me off. “So let me just get this all straight. You dragged me out here after a story breaks about your life that sends our stock prices into a freefall… And you expect me to feel sorry for you because you accidentally knocked up your girlfriend?”

I narrow my gaze on his face. “You are making it sound really horrible right now and I can't even hear it. I just can’t.”

He raises his arms and lets out a frustrated shout. “What the fuck, Calum? You're being a complete ass. You realize that right?”

“I’m being an ass? I'm being taken advantage of. I thought that you of all people would back me up on this.”

“That sweet girl told you that you got her pregnant on the same day that she literally lost her job at the ballet. But instead of supporting her, you’re here whining to me because… What, you think that you won’t be a good father? I can't follow your logic. I just…”

He breaks off, shaking his head.

“You are here because you're supposed to back me up. It that not what brothers do?”

He glares at me. “Not when your brother is so clearly wrong. If it's such a big deal, have her sign some legal paperwork or whatever. A prenup, whatever paperwork to curtail her spending around the kid. But for God's sake, stop telling yourself this crazy narrative that Kaia is somehow out to get you. I swear, I will never understand your fixation with your money.”

Lucas throws his hands up.

I growl at him. “What you mean, you don't understand? I haven't signed the papers yet, but you are the next owner of a billion-dollar business. You’d better start understanding it very quickly.”

He looks at me, his throat working. “Kaia loves you. I don't know why she does because you're such a dick to her. In fact, I hope that she gets wise to your bullshit. But for now, that's a simple fact. Not a lot of people in the world can say with absolute certainty that someone loves them.”

“And what about the baby? Huh? Should I just pretend that I'm happy about it?”

He crosses his arms, looking at me with intense anger. “It takes two people to make a baby, the last time I checked. She said that her pregnancy was accidental. I don't know what else to even tell you.”

I turn away from the sea and toss my full can of beer as hard as I can against the house. “Fuck! This just really fucked up my five year plan.”

My brother is quiet for a moment. “What about Kaia’s five-year plan? Or maybe you didn’t stick around to ask her about that?”

I bear my teeth and make a frustrated sound. “Fuck you. I’m going for a run.”

Without waiting for him, I turn and walk back into the house. In a few minutes, I am dressed in shorts and a T-shirt, ready for my run. I head out and start pushing myself, running at a punishing pace. Everything that I was mad about earlier still simmers within my blood but there is something new, too. A sense of uncertainty has leaked into my thoughts.

What if Lucas is right? What if I have been thinking about all of this the wrong way?

I run through the winding hillsides, trying to work out exactly what the truth is in my own mind. But it's not so simple as just deciding what the facts may be.

No, because there is no way of knowing certain things. And because there is no knowing, it requires some degree of trust.

Trust in Kaia, yes. Obviously. But more than that…

It requires that I have faith in myself.

I have to believe that I could be someone's father. Someone's rock of Gibraltar.

I would have to commit to be there for someone that I don’t even know. Unconditional support. And I just can’t trust another person that much, even my unborn child.

…right?

It would require faith and trust in another person, but also in myself. I would have to be a source of strength and loyalty and I just don’t know if I have what it takes.

I push myself until I crest a hill and then I slow to a stop, my hands on my knees, unable to drag in enough breath.

Is that what this is all about? Am I lashing out at Kaia because I am afraid that I will not be enough?

As soon as I have that thought, I know that it's dead on the money. I hold my hands out wide and scream into the surrounding hillside.

“Fuck!”

When will I learn to stop taking every petty grievance I have out on Kaia?

I imagine her right now, crying because of my words.

I did that. I hurt her.

Fuck, it’s going to be so hard to undo the damage I have done.

A better question might be, how do I even go about apologizing for yesterday morning's outburst?

I take my time jogging back to the house, trying to work out what I should do in my head. When I enter through the back door, I find Lucas standing in the kitchen, drinking can of beer. He arches a single eyebrow at me.

“Well?”

The back of my neck heats. “I was wrong,” I admit.

He purses his lips and nods. “Yup.”

I hang my head. “I called her a whore. I told her to get out of my apartment and I called her a whore. There is no coming back from that kind of statement.”

He sucks in a breath and exhales it slowly. “I think that you need to reconsider going to therapy. I don't mean this casual once a week goal should either. I mean three or four times a week for a few months at least.”

He puts his hands on his hips and looks at me, waiting for my reaction. I shake my head, feeling pretty worthless.

“Do you think that will be enough to win Kaia back?”

He screws up his face. “No. I don't. But you have to do it anyway. You have to not just promise that you'll change. You have to also prove to her that you are doing everything in your power to make it stick.”

My face contorts.

“Will you help me?”

It's hard to ask him that question, but it's even harder to face the future without Kaia.

But I want her in my life. I need her. Really I do.

He walks over to me and pats my shoulder. “Yeah, man. I will. You go shower and change clothes and then we will sit down and figure out a plan to keep Kaia in your life.”

I look at him, swallowing against a lump of emotion that swells in my throat. “I can't lose her. I don't know how to go back to being alone.”

He gives my shoulder a squeeze and then steps away.

“I know. Go shower. Then we will figure out just what to do about it.”

I nod, heading upstairs, my mind on Kaia.