Push by Sadie Rose

 

Ihad successfully been avoiding almost all the men in my life now for over 36 hours. The only one I couldn’t avoid was Raymond. Honestly, at this point I didn’t want to avoid him. We had started to grow closer over the last week. He was funny, a sharp dresser which made him easy on the eyes not that it was hard to look at him to begin with and I had discovered he had a wicked sense of humor. He was basically the male version of Madison. He had quickly moved into the number two spot of my phone favorites. We had been having lunch together every day in the cafeteria and taking our breaks together. Our work project had us interacting constantly. I picked up pretty quickly on his habit of writing things on Post It notes and leaving them all over my desk. My desk looked like I owned stock in Post Its. If he had an idea, it went on a Post It note. If he wanted to compliment my shoes, it was on a Post It note. If he thought of a joke, it went on a Post It note and for some reason, they all got put on my desk. I laughed out loud just thinking about it as the myriad of colorful Post It notes shone back at me in cubical.

Our boss had even mentioned moving Raymond’s desk so he could be closer to mine since we would be working on our project long-term. The idea had Raymond ecstatic. When he told me our boss’s idea, I pretended to pout and be disappointed in all the decreased steps I would lose not having to walk over to his desk. That’s when he told me I should just get used to him because I was now his work wife and since he wasn’t ever going to have an actual wife I was it for him. That had us laughing for a good hour. He had also started calling me all kinds of nicknames. He went from calling me babe to baby lips to sweet chicka all within the same hour of the day. I never knew what was going to come out of his mouth. By quitting time each night my cheeks hurt from smiling and laughing so much during the day.

Today we had been working all morning moving Raymond’s personal items to his new desk. Unsurprisingly, he has a lot of personal effects. Being the good work wife that I was, I agreed to help him get it all out of the boxes and situated in his new space.

I had just pulled the lid off a box and unwrapped the frame, “Who’s this cutie? Is that your boyfriend?” I asked him as I held up the photo for him to see.

He paused and gingerly took the frame from me, running his thumb over the photo. This person was clearly important to him. “At one time yes. He was the love of my life. Then he got sick a few years ago, couldn’t handle it, and pushed everyone away… including me. It broke my heart. I don’t even know why I have this here. It’s been in the box since I started working here. I couldn’t seem to make myself unwrap it and put it on my desk.”

I had a sick feeling in my stomach at what Raymond had said. I clench my jaw as I wait for him to continue. I know what it’s like to lose someone you deeply care about. It was my dad when I was little, not the same romantic situation as his but the loss of someone you care about is still a loss. It changes you and you can never go back to the person you were before.

“What happened? Did you ever speak to him again or see him?” I asked.

He nodded, still looking at the photo clutched in his hands., “He passed away last year. His sister called me about a week before he passed and I sat with him every day. He only woke up maybe once or twice. Smiled at me but never spoke. It was awful… I don’t know if he knew I was there or not. I told him how much I missed him and loved him but I’ll never know if he was still thinking of me or heard my words.”

Raymond’s voice trailed off and his face was forlorn, a sadness that comes only from heartbreak. He was still looking at the photo, sitting in a cold office with me but thinking of that room with the one he loved. My heart broke for him. His pain is evident, and the good-humored wall he had built around himself comes into stark focus. We had so much in common, and I understood the ease of our connection, he didn’t want my pity, or comfort, just my friendship and unspoken understanding. I smiled when he finally looked up at me. “Hey! We haven’t eaten all morning. Let’s get down to the cafeteria and see if there’s anything left from the lunch hour rush.”

He looked up with a relieved smile, “Ok. Let’s go.”

Thankfully, the cafeteria was deserted. Most people had finished their lunch and had headed back to their desks. Only a few people were milling about clearing up the tables and restocking items at the grab-and-go stations. I guess the plus side to moving Raymond’s desk was losing track of time. Since my Monday run-in with Roman, I’ve been gun shy of entering the cafeteria. The closer we got to the weekend, the more anxious I became, breaking into a sweaty panic when I thought about Friday night. He made me nervous, hyper-aware of his proximity, spiking my arousal at the mere thought. He had texted me Tuesday, emailed on Wednesday, but I remained silent, allowing myself to bask in the attention. I still hadn’t confessed the date to Madison, nor had I confided in Raymond.

I’ve enjoyed getting close to Raymond, but we worked together so I have been hesitant to confess, afraid of what he might think, but earlier he was so open and vulnerable about his ex, so there has to be a level of trust that should put me at ease. I want to tell him, I think about it, cultivate it in my mind to make it sound more innocent than it is, half-truths are still a version of the truth. It’s as if he could read my mind, or I have a horrible poker face because his furrowed brow isn’t regarding the food.

“Hey babycakes, whatcha thinking about? It’s ham or turkey. It ain’t rocket science.” He’s holding up two sandwiches alternating them both towards me. I take the ham sandwich from his right hand and we walk to one of the tables we just watched get cleaned. “SO… I spilled the extent of my love life up there. Are you going to tell me yours?”

I chewed on my bottom lip, weighing my options and I decided to tell him about Jeff. I go through the entire story of how we met in college, how he graduated in the fall and moved here earlier than me. How we took a break to start dating again and then how he ghosted me for weeks shortly after moving here. Then we talked about the gala that Madison and I attended on Monday.

“Holy shit! You were there?! That’s like one of the coolest parties to get into for the year.”

“It was all Madison.” I quickly verified, “The law firm that hired her gave her a pair of tickets as a perk. They really wanted to hire her and they threw a bunch of freebies her way to get her to sign on with them. Plus her dad is a very well-known, prominent lawyer; so I think what they really wanted access to him possibly down the road later on.”

“Must be nice! I had to work my ass off to get in here. Did you as well?”

You have no idea.“Yes. I had to go through the same process as you. I also had to work on my resume. I had to do tons of community service because my grades from years ago weren’t the best.” Thinking about all of the soup kitchens and trash collecting I volunteered to do to make my feet ache with just the memory.

“Olivia, I’m going to be real with you.”

I was caught off guard. He never called me Olivia, to him I was everything except my actual name. “I thought we were already being real with each other?” I’m confused by his comment.

“When I saw you with Roman at the club and then again here in the cafeteria, I wondered… just for a second I wondered…”

I cut him off before he could finish his sentence. “If I got the job here because I knew Roman and was involved with him?”

He had the decency to blush and looked remorseful. “Raymond, I got this job because I worked just as hard as you. I had never met Roman till the week that I started working here.”

It’s shit or get off the pot time.I had to tell someone, and Raymond had been nothing but kind since the day we met, even in the club that night when I embarrassed myself, which later I found out he was equally embarrassed by his own actions. What could hurt telling him? I thought he would keep my secret. “I actually met him at a coffee house a few blocks away from here on my first day.”

Raymond’s eyes lit up at this tidbit, “Well do tell babe because this is the man I want to hear about. Jeff who?” He laughed and scooted his chair closer, waiting for me to proceed. To my surprise, I tell him everything, the blouse, the embarrassment at finding out he was my boss, the gala, and Raymond absorbed every word, making affirmative noises in all the right places. When I got to the end, telling him I had been ghosting him since Monday, he finally interjected.

“Hunny bun… you can’t screw this one up. Have you ever heard the saying, “don’t shit where you eat?”

I grimaced, that was one of the reasons I hadn’t said anything to Madison, fear that she would invoke this notion as well. “Yes, trust me I’ve run through all the scenarios in my head.”

“Well… I want you to forget it. Because he’s HOT and you’re HOT and I want you to get together and make HOT babies and then get me a promotion.”

I stared at him for a moment before we both tore into our sandwiches, a weight lifted off of me for the first time and I thought, he’s right.