Hateful Saint by Ivy Blake

Chapter Fourteen

Ava

My heart was like a wild animal, clawing at my ribcage, wanting to break free. I paced back and forth in the living room. Harrison was sat on the sofa trying to calm me down. Mom was due to be back home any minute and I was shitting myself.

I’d struggled to sleep from sheer anxiety about today. Even though me and Harrison had talked it over so many times, I didn’t feel any calmer than someone who was about to skydive out of an aeroplane.

“You’re gonna feel much better when you tell her,” Harrison said to me. I looked over at him and even his face was contorted into an uncomfortable and nervous expression.

“I’m not so sure about that anymore,” I said, shaking my head. “No offence.”

“None taken,” Harrison said shortly. I sat down on the sofa opposite him and noticed his eyes flitting to the framed photos on the mantlepiece. They were all of me and Mom in various locations, smiling into the camera. From the stone cold look in my brother’s eyes and the way he was gripping the arms of the sofa, I could tell that this situation was far more uncomfortable and upsetting for him. I couldn’t even begin to imagine how it would feel to be completely cut out of your mother’s life.

“How do your adopted parents feel about all this?” I asked quickly, hoping to draw the attention away from the family photos. I wasn’t sure if I was even supposed to refer to them in that way, considering they were the ones who’d raised him.

“They were obviously a bit apprehensive at first,” Harrison said slowly. “When I found out about you and Mom, I knew I had to see you, eventually. Even if it was just once. It would feel… wrong otherwise.” I nodded, completely understanding where he was coming from.

“They obviously don’t like the fact that I’m here, but I’m an adult and they can’t exactly stop me. Plus, they’d probably do the same shit if they were in my shoes.” Harrison gave me a wry smile.

“I can imagine it’s pretty difficult for them, considering they raised you from birth and everything,” I said sadly.

“Yeah, they’ll always be my parents though, nothing’s gonna change that-”

Harrison was cut off by the sound of Mom’s car outside.

“She’s back,” I hissed, my eyes darting to the window.

“Don’t move until I call you in, okay?” I said to Harrison, my eyes serious.

“Sure, whatever,” he said in a blase tone, even though I could tell from his face that he was feeling anything but. I knew Harrison was an adult, but I hadn’t known him long enough to figure out what he was like in high-stress situations. I turned to him, about to plead him to stay put, but I could hear Mom’s keys rattling in the door.

“Fuck, okay, it’s show time,” I said in an attempt to hype myself up.

“Good luck,” said Harrison with a small smile as I ducked out of the living room and shut the door behind me.

I got to the kitchen just as Mom was opening the door.

“Hey,” I said as calmly as I could, hoping not to cause any suspicion.

“Hey, Ava, how’s it going?” replied Mom. She closed the door behind her and joined me in the kitchen, her eyes bleary from a long day at work.

“It’s going…” I said, shifting my weight between my feet.

I could feel beads of sweat formulating around my neck and on my forehead, and my tongue was getting exceptionally dry in my mouth. I went over to the sink and poured a glass of water for me and Mom, placing them on the breakfast table once I was done.

“I’d actually like to talk to you about something,” I said after a moment, forcing myself to look her in the eyes.

“Okay?” Mom said slowly, a quizzical look on her face. “Is everything okay at school?” We sat across from the table together and I fidgeted with my hands while going over the words I’d planned to say to her.

“School is perfectly fine,” I forced out a chuckle, then regretted it instantly. I laughed when I was really nervous. It wasn’t my fault that I’d been tasked with confronting my mom about what was probably the biggest secret of her life.

“Is it Ross?” she asked before taking a sip of her water.

“What about Ross?” I asked, my stomach now in even more knots.

“You guys are dating, right?” Moms smirked at me.

“What? I-”

“Ava, I’m your mom. You can’t lie to me,” Mom chuckled. “Unless I’m wrong?”

I sighed and realised that if today was the day of outing the truth, then I might as well get everything off my chest.

“Yeah, we’re kinda dating, but I don’t want you to make a big deal about it. Okay? It’s still early days,” I said, my eyes glancing at the clock on the wall. Harrison must have thought I was stalling. He could definitely hear us in the other room, and I just hoped he was patient enough to let me get the words out in my own time.

Mom squealed with delight, and a big grin spread across her face.

“Aw baby, I’m so happy for you both! I always knew it was meant to be, even when you were little kids-”

“Mom, that’s not what I want to talk to you about, though,” I said, cutting her off.

“Me and Ross are fine, but there’s something else.”

Mom’s smile slowly faded once she realised that my tone was actually serious.

“What is it, Ava?”

I took a deep breath but continued looking at my glass of water, my fingertips tracing the condensation on the side.

“Ava, you’re worrying me now,” Mom said, her voice much more stern.

“Please don’t get mad at me,” I said, my voice barely louder than a whisper.

“Why would I be mad at you?” Mom asked, her voice full of concern. Her eyes widened. She was now on high alert. “Ava, what have you done?” This time, her voice took on a worried tone.

“I haven’t done anything,” I said slowly. “Well, not exactly.”

I glanced at Mom for a second before returning my gaze to my glass. I had to admit that she was scaring me and I didn’t know if I really had it in me to say the truth. While I resented her for keeping Harrison a secret, I also felt really, really sorry for her.

“Just spit it out, Ava.” Mom was getting more impatient.

“I know about Harrison,” I blurted out, the words jumping out of my mouth before I could stop them. “I know about my brother,” I whispered afterwards, my eyes downcast.

It was like everything froze for a moment.

I looked up, worried that Mom had fainted or something, but she continued to sit across from me, but this time her eyes were watering while she stared through me.

“Mom?” I asked gently, unsure of how to proceed. “Mom, please say something.” She was barely one to go speechless. This was very uncommon for her. I could feel my pulse in my eardrums and it felt like the soundtrack to the end of the world.

“How… How did you…” she started and stopped several times as tears fell down her face. “When did you fucking find that out? And how?” Mom rarely swore, and she tried not to swear in front of me as much as she could, often apologising if she let a curse slip through her lips. My mother looked anything but apologetic. There were so many emotions in her eyes, anger, fear, sadness… and she was ready to unleash them all on me.

“He messaged me on Facebook and that’s how we started talking,” I said quietly. I felt like I was five again and getting scolded for doing something stupid with my friends. I wanted to curl up in a ball and forget this whole thing.

“You’ve been talking to him behind my back!” Mom raised her voice, wiping away angry tears. “How long has this been going on, Ava?”

“Only a couple of months,” I said quickly, as if that would make the betrayal any less painful.

“A couple of months!” Mom exclaimed. “So you’ve been lying to my face all this time-”

“Hey, I’m not the liar here,” I said angrily, defending myself. I knew I should take my words back because she was my mom, after all, but it wasn’t fair for her to turn this on me.

“You don’t understand what you’re talking about!” Mom shot back defensively.

“Then explain to me!” Mom looked up at the ceiling and took some deep breaths, but the breathing exercises didn’t stop the tears from falling down her cheeks.

“Ava, it’s a lot more complicated than you think-” she began.

“As far as I know, it’s not,” I said, even though I knew I was being unkind. I was upset too. This wasn’t something that just affected her. I’d missed out on having a brother for my whole life.

“I was a kid. I was only seventeen, and I wasn’t ready to be a mom. My boyfriend at the time wanted nothing to do with me or the kid.” Her tears were falling hard and fast now and her breathing had become more shallow. “Everyone makes mistakes-”

“Mistakes?” Both our heads snapped up to the door at the sound of Harrison’s voice.

His brows were furrowed, but I could tell from the water welling up in his eyes that he’d taken offense at what Mom had said. Mom slapped her hand to her mouth, and I wasn’t sure if it was because she wanted to take the words back, she was surprised to see her adult son in her kitchen, or both.

“Harrison, I didn’t mean that-”

“I think you did,” he replied. I watched his Adam’s apple bobbing in his throat. I looked back and forth between the two of them, wishing that I could pause and rewind this whole situation. I wish that I could take it back to the start and feed Mom and Harrison the perfect lines so that everything could run smoothly. Unfortunately, this wasn’t a play, it was my real life.

“My mistake was giving you up and not reaching out,” Mom sobbed. “I’ve thought about you every single day since you were born-”

“So why did you never come to find me?” Harrison shot back, his tone tinged with anger.

“I wanted to!” she exclaimed.

“That’s not an answer!”

“You don’t understand-”

“Then explain to me,” Harrison pleaded.

“Mom, he’s come all this way,” I said, surprised to find myself chipping in. It was as if she’d forgotten I was in the room. Mom turned to me, her eyes bloodshot.

“I can’t do this right now,” she spat out.

“Mom, that’s not fair!” I protested. There was no way that she was going to get out of this one when me and Harrison had been waiting to have this conversation for so long. She was the adult, and both of us deserved an explanation.

“Stop talking back, Ava!” she exclaimed, her face growing more stormy.

“I’ll stop talking back when you explain yourself!” I said, my fists curling at my sides.

“Ava, go to your room, you ‘re grounded!” Mom shouted, taking me by surprise. Grounded? I wasn’t a fucking child!

“What the-” I began.

“Just go, Ava!” she said, cutting me off before I could fight my corner. I gave her my fiercest scowl and gave Harrison an apologetic look before marching up the stairs, making sure to slam my door behind me so that she knew I didn’t approve of her actions.

I slumped onto my bed and burst into tears. The sound of the front door slamming shut made me sob even harder. I tried to address the truth, and it had all backfired. Now Mom hated me and Harrison was upset, too. I pulled out my phone and texted him.

I’m so sorry- A

It’s not your fault. I should have guessed this would happen- H

Will you come back and try again?-A

I waited a couple more minutes for his response. I was growing impatient and was worried that Harrison wasn’t going to respond when the little text bubble appeared.

We’ll see. - H