Hateful Saint by Ivy Blake

Chapter Seventeen

Ava

As I walked up the hallway to the room that the nurse had directed me to, I felt like I was going to be sick. I’d hated hospitals since I was a kid, but this sickness was mixed in with anxiety at seeing Ross. I’d contemplated whether I should visit or not, but decided that if I was in his shoes, I’d appreciate the support.

I pushed open the door and popped my head round, assaulted by the smell of harsh cleaning chemicals.

“Hey,” said Ross, turning around in his seat to look at who had come in. A shadowy look crossed his face once he realised it was me. My heart tightened at the fact that he didn’t give me his usual smirk, but I didn’t dwell on this feeling, especially since we were literally in his mom’s hospital room.

“How’s she doing?” I asked quietly. I crossed the room and stood beside his chair, watching Ross’s mom as her chest went up and down with her breaths.

“She’s stable,” he said shortly. I switched my focus to Ross’s face and felt like pulling him into a tight hug when I realised how exhausted he looked. His eyes were also pink, I assumed from crying, but I didn’t want to make him feel awkward so looked down at my hands instead of at his face.

“That’s good,” I squeaked. “Do they know when she can go home?”

“They’re going to keep her for a bit longer to run some more tests,” said Ross. I felt his gaze on me and looked up to meet his eyes. “They also want to send her to rehab first before she can go home,” he added after a moment.

I swallowed hard as I realised the seriousness of the situation

“I’m so sorry about all this,” I said, lost for words.

“Why are you apologising?” Ross snapped. I wasn’t sure if his question was a challenge or if he genuinely wanted me to list all the reasons why I was sorry, but I didn’t have the energy to engage in a spiteful back and forth.

“I don’t even know, it’s just the whole situation sucks,” I said finally.

“You got that fucking right,” Ross muttered, slumping back into his seat. I looked around at the room with its clinical walls and bleached floors. I was dumb to think that simply turning up would be enough to solve the tension between me and Ross, but that didn’t stop me from feeling a little pissed that he didn’t even seem slightly happy to see me.

My phone buzzed, and I pulled it out of my pocket instinctively, assuming that it would be Mom checking in on me.

Have things calmed down on your end?- H

“You don’t have to hide things from me, you know,” Ross said, gesturing to my phone.

“I’m not.” I stopped myself before I realised that was exactly what I’d been doing and I’d probably made him feel quite bad about it.

“It’s just my brother,” I said after a moment.

“You can respond,” said Ross.

“Thanks for giving me permission,” I said sarcastically as I typed out a quick response.

“Nate thought you might be cheating on me,” Ross said after a moment, adding a bitter chuckle at the end of his sentence.

“What?” I exclaimed, sliding my phone back into my pocket. “Ross, I would never cheat on you!” I couldn’t believe that Nate would believe me to be capable of something like that, especially when we didn’t even know each other that well.

Ross shrugged, a weary expression returning to his face.

“How was I supposed to know that? Especially since you’ve been hiding your phone since we started getting together.”

Because we’ve known each other since we were kids, I wanted to say, but I knew that argument held no weight here.

“I’m sorry for making you paranoid, but I wish you’d just said something instead of leaving me to guess what you’re thinking!”

“It’s whatever,” said Ross coldly, turning to his mom once again.

“That’s all you’ve got to say to me? Ross, I’m your girlfriend,” I said, my voice cracking on the last word.

“Are girlfriends supposed to keep important shit from their boyfriends?” Ross stared at me with cold eyes. There was no feeling in his eyes, nothing but frostiness, so much so that his look sent shivers down my spine. And not the good type.

“Why are you doing this?” I cried out, almost on the verge of tears. I’d apologised, I’d shown up to support him, and it still wasn’t enough.

“The real question is why are we doing this?”

“You don’t mean that,” I said, taking a step towards him, hoping that if he just looked at me, the bullshit falling out of his mouth would stop.

“I do.” Ross looked away as if he couldn’t bear to look at me.

“Maybe it’s better if we’re not together, then,” I found myself saying. I was testing him to see if he’d fight for me, for us. I needed the confirmation that he didn’t mean what he was saying, that he was just being spiteful because he was feeling vulnerable and hurt. Not that he didn’t want to be with me.

“Maybe,” Ross said after a moment, and I swear I felt my world collapse around me. My throat felt tight and I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t believe what he’d said to me.

“You should go home,” Ross said when I was unable to provide a response. Again, his eyes were not on me, choosing to look out the window instead as if I wasn’t denouncing our relationship.

“I will,” I said, forcing myself to hold it together until I was at least out of the room. The sound of the door closing behind me was enough to force the tears from my eyes. I cried silently as I walked down the hallway, still holding onto the hope that Ross would burst out and follow me.

But he didn’t.

Ross

The door closed behind Ava and I allowed her to leave without saying anything. Sure, she’d come to see me, but there’d been nothing that she could do, anyway. It’s not like she had the magical cure that could make Mom better or quit alcohol. She was just a person.

Maybe it’s better if we’re not together, then. The thought had crossed my mind a couple of times, but hearing the words come out of Ava’s mouth had hurt on another level. It meant that she’d thought about cutting things off too, which meant that I was probably not the boyfriend she’d expected to have.

Clearly, she had a lot of her own shit going on and I had mine. What was the point in making things even more complicated for the both of us?

I had to admit that I did feel a bit of relief when she told me the shit about her brother. Shocked, because I never would have imagined her mom to be the type to get pregnant as a teenager, but relieved that she hadn’t been cheating on me. I wish she’d trusted me enough to have told me earlier. I hated knowing that she had to deal with that on her own.

Another reason why you’re a shit boyfriend.

This was one of the reasons why I’d never been in a proper relationship before. Hookups were easy, low stakes, low expectations and everyone could walk away happy. Or at least pretend to. Relationships, on the other hand, set you up to be a disappointment or disappointed. I felt like there were too many expectations and too many feelings that just left you getting pissed off and hurt.

I wanted to protect Ava with every inch of my body. I loved making her smile and making her cum. I didn’t know how realistic it was to think that we could actually work as a couple. Everything had happened so fast, the feelings taking my heart hostage before I could stop them.

“Ross?” I looked up at the sound of Mom’s faint, wispy voice. She’d woken up. I’d only been able to catch her awake for briefly before she fell asleep again, her body collapsing from weakness.

“Mom, do you need some water?” I asked quickly, grabbing the cup from the side of her bed. She nodded slowly, wincing from the movement. I held the straw to her mouth and waited while she sipped slowly. When she was finished, I put the cup down and looked at her.

“How bad do I look?” she croaked, a small smile twitching at the edge of her dry lips.

“You look fine, Mom,” I smiled at her as I laced my fingers through hers. “Everything is gonna be alright.”

“I’m so sorry. I promise I’ll get better for you,” she whispered gently, her eyes full of tears.

“It’s okay,” I said softly, my eyes also welling up. “Are you hungry? Can I get you anything else?” Before she could respond, Mom had nodded off again, her soft snores slowly growing louder.

I heard the door open behind me, and for a second I expected to see Ava, but was disappointed to see a nurse coming in with a clipboard.

“Visiting time is over,” she said gently.

“Okay,” I said, rising from my seat. I picked up my bag that had some snacks and a book in there which still remained untouched, but continued to follow me into Mom’s hospital room every time I visited.

“I’ll see you later,” the nurse said as she moved aside to let me out the door.

“Thanks,” I said, giving her a grim smile before making my way down the hallway.

I walked back to my empty house, ignoring the sound of my grumbling stomach and the aching in my feet and chest. I slumped on the sofa and allowed my mind to wander.

Mom would be going to rehab this week, meaning that I’d have to get used to being in the house alone. What had once been a lot of fun, and a site to carry out my high school antics, now seemed really sad and empty. Not only would I be losing Mom, albeit for a few weeks, it felt like I was losing Ava, too. Or maybe I’d already lost her.