Hateful Saint by Ivy Blake

Chapter Fifteen

Ross

I’d texted Ava twice to see if she wanted to hang out and it had been nearly two hours without a reply. I’d tried to distract myself with video games, hoping that when I returned to my phone, her messages would be there waiting for me. But instead, I was made to feel like an idiot when my phone presented me with an empty screen again and again.

Ava wasn’t one to play games, or at least I thought so. Our text exchanges were usually quite quick, even though personally I preferred hearing her voice over the phone or just seeing and feeling her in person.

She hadn’t told me that she had any plans today and I’d already seen Megan and Sophie out at a cafe on Sophie’s Instagram story, so I knew she wasn’t with them. I was really tempted to go to her house to see what was up. What if she was sick or something had happened to her?

I called up Nate to ask him for advice before I did anything stupid. He picked up on the 8^th ring.

“Hey man, what’s up? I’m kind of in the middle of something,” said Nate in a sleepy voice. I assumed he was referring to having a girl in his bed. Usually, I’d respect my bro’s privacy and hang up, but I was feeling weirdly anxious about the whole Ava thing, especially since we’d only just made things official.

Was it possible that she was already pulling away from me? Or was I just too in my head?

“I’ll be quick. Ava hasn’t replied to me for like 2 hours and I’m starting to freak out. I’m pretty sure she’s not with her friends and she didn’t say she was doing anything, so should I-”

“I’ll stop you right there, Ross,” Nate cut me off before I could finish my sentence. “Golden rule is to not do too much, remember?”

I rolled my eyes at my TV screen. “I do, but what if this is serious?” Nate thought for a moment before answering.

“I hate to ask this, but do you think she could be with someone else?”

My heart froze in my chest at Nate’s words. It’s not like the thought had never crossed my mind when it came to Ava, but I hated the fact that someone else had said it out loud. I’d never had this type of anxiety with any girl I’d dated- or more accurately, messed around with- and I could only wonder if this is how everyone felt when they were dating someone that they were actually serious about.

“Ross, you still there?” Nate asked when I didn’t reply instantly.

“Yeah, I just… I guess it’s not a great thought,” I said. “But I trust, Ava, I don’t think she’d do anything like that,” I added quickly, feeling defensive over my girlfriend. While I wish she’d just tell me that she was busy or wasn’t in the mood to hang out, it didn’t automatically make her a bad person for not saying anything. At least I tried to convince myself of that.

“You didn’t think she’d spread the fact that your dad was fucking-”

“She didn’t spread it,” I snapped. “That’s not the point anyway. That was years ago, and this is different.” Was it? The voice in my head probed me.

“If you say so,” Nate said, his voice resigned. “You know her best, anyway.”

“Yep,” I said bitterly, suddenly feeling angry that I’d called him in the first place. “I’m gonna go, see ya.”

“Bye,” said Nate, and I hung up before the word had barely left his mouth.

I’d called for reassurance and now I was just feeling even more on edge, my mind now thinking of the times that she’d hid her phone from me, even though she’d sworn that it hadn’t been a big deal.

Spring Break was coming up, and I’d been looking forward to spending time with Ava outside her house away from her mom and everyone at school, just the two of us. Why did I feel like those plans were slipping through my fingers?

I allowed another hour to pass by before cracking open a beer. Mom wasn’t here to stop me, not like she would if she could, anyway. Who was she to talk? Drinking alone was not fun and part of me was kind of missing partying.

I toyed with the idea of throwing one in the next couple of days even though the most fun bit- hooking up with different girls- was now off the table, it’d be nice to distract myself with music and booze and other people. My phone started ringing, and I dove for it, glad that Ava was finally getting in contact. My face fell once I realised that it wasn’t Ava, but a weird number I didn’t recognise. I put down my beer and cleared my throat before answering warily.

“Hello?” I said into the phone.

“Ross, is that you?” It was a woman on the other side of the phone. I could hear people in the background but I couldn’t quite place where she was coming from.

“Yes, it’s me. Who’s this?” I could feel my heart speeding up in my chest as I waited for the woman to explain herself.

“I’m a nurse calling from the hospital. I have your mom, Alice here, she’s not in a good state.” I perked up and threw my games controller aside. Mom was in the hospital? This wasn’t the first time, but the woman sounded serious. My mind raced with a million questions as I got up to grab my jacket and shoes.

“What’s wrong with her?” I asked into the phone. I needed answers now.

“She’s got alcohol poisoning, she’s been having seizures but we’re going to pump her stomach so hopefully she’ll be okay,” the nurse said in a monotone voice as if she was reading me a newspaper, not telling me that my mom was in a dangerous condition.

Tears pricked in the corner of my eyes and I threw open the door, locked it behind me and jumped into the car.

“I’ll be there soon!” I exclaimed before hanging up the phone. Mom needed me. Her morning of sobriety had soothed me into a false sense of security, but clearly she was getting even worse to the point where the alcohol might actually kill her. I’d already lost my dad. Even though I knew he was alive, he was basically good as dead. But there was no way in hell that I was losing Mom, too.

I felt like I was in a daze as I drove to the hospital. I nearly cut through a red light when the surrounding cars honked loudly which brought me down to earth. I realised I had to pay attention if I wanted to be of any use. Even though I wasn’t religious, my subconscious was praying to whatever being might be out there to save my mom. I needed her to be okay.

I slid into a bay, not caring if my parking was perfect, and ran to the hospital entrance. The waiting room was full of people with various ailments, some with young kids, some pregnant women, the lot. I cut past all of them and went straight to the reception, my chest heaving. I think I was on the verge of an anxiety attack.

“I’m Ross, I’m here to see my mom,” I got out between deep breaths. Sweat was trickling down my forehead and my vision was starting to go blurry.

“I spoke to you on the phone,” said the nurse behind the desk. I nodded at her, pleading her with my eyes to just take me to my mom. “Straight down the hallway, fourth door on the right,” she said, pointing to the hallway on the left.

“Thanks,” I said without meeting her eyes, my focus already on the hallway. I practically ran in the direction that the nurse had told me to. I didn’t give a shit about the looks that I was getting from the people sitting around and walking past.

Breathe, it’s going to be alright.

I burst through the door without thinking about who or what would be on the other side. I just needed to see that she was going to make it.

“Excuse me?” The doctor started once I’d set foot in the room. My eyes darted around the room until they landed on Mom on a bed in the centre, attached to an IV drip. Her eyes were shut, and she looked worse than I’d expected her to.

“I’m her son,” I said lamely as I walked towards Mom, taking residence in the seat beside her bed. Her skin was tinged blue and her hair was matted and stuck out in fury angles.

“I understand you must be very worried, but she’s going to be okay,” said the doctor reassuringly, as he scribbled away on his keyboard.

“It’s a good thing someone called an ambulance to pick her up from the bar when she collapsed earlier. Next time, she might not be so lucky. She had a lot of alcohol in her system. We’re going to need to keep her here for some time to do more tests to see how much damage has been done,” the doctor added solemnly.

I nodded, the tears falling freely now. I didn’t care that someone else was here to witness them.

I’d failed her.

Clearly, I’d been too wrapped up in my own shit and too weak to actually get Mom proper help before she got to this point. Maybe if I’d just been a better son, she wouldn’t have gotten here as she’d have someone to live for, at least. That party should have been the turning point, but no, I’d just let her carry on ruining her body and probably her brain.

I held her hand gently in mine as I shook with rage and sadness.

“It’s okay son, I know you’ve both been dealing with a lot, but we’re gonna get you both the help you need.”

I don’t know when the doctor had crossed the room, but he placed a gentle hand on my shoulder in an attempt to comfort me. I’d been holding a lot back for so long. Drowning out my feelings with alcohol and weed, distracting myself by spending more time with Ava. Seeing Mom lying in that hospital bed looking so frail and vulnerable proved that I couldn’t avoid what was going on for much longer and I had to face the truth.

The doctor pointed to the bucket beside her head and I scrunched my nose up at the foul smell emanating from it.

“I’ll empty this really quickly, but make sure to direct her this way if she needs to vomit.” I nodded my head as the doctor took the bucket and left me and Mom in the room alone.

Who was to blame for all of this? It seemed like there were so many different pieces of the puzzle that had contributed to her being in this bed. Spiteful thoughts spiralled around my mind and I struggled to hold on to one firmly before another appeared.

If I’d been a better son… if Ava hadn’t revealed what was going on… if Dad hadn’t been cheating… if they’d gone to marriage counselling earlier.

So many things felt completely out of my control and only made me feel heavier than I already did. I felt useless and weak knowing that the only thing I could do was sit beside Mom’s bed and wait.

I checked my phone to see if I’d missed anything. Still nothing from Ava. There was, however, one message from Lacey saying that she’d seen Mom being put in an ambulance. She said that I could call on her if I needed anything, even just a shoulder to cry on. I cringed as I put my phone away. I knew that she was bound to spread this information and that more people would know just how fucked up my family life was. I couldn’t believe that Ava was still ignoring me and the resentful and vindictive part of me was tempted to respond to Lacey out of spite. I could click my fingers and she’d show up even though I’d basically tossed her aside when we’d been having sex at my party. Girls like that didn’t care, they just wanted attention. My attention specifically.

But I didn’t want a girl like that. It was Ava I wanted. Even if she was avoiding me. Maybe I was an idiot to think I deserved someone like her. Someone who cared about me beyond my looks, my family’s wealth, my popularity and the fact I played football. Maybe I didn’t deserve anyone at all.

If my own mother couldn’t give me the time of day, then why should some random girl?