Hateful Saint by Ivy Blake

Chapter Sixteen

Ava

The atmosphere in the house was still very intense since Harrison had left.

Mom and I drifted around as if yesterday hadn’t happened. Conversations were short and stilted and I honestly couldn’t tell who was more upset out of the two of us. The fact that it was Spring Break, and she’d grounded me made it even worse. It didn’t make sense why she’d punished me, especially in that way. I hadn’t actually done anything. Harrison had come to me. Fair enough, I hadn’t told her straight away, but I did eventually. I knew she was projecting her anger towards herself onto me, but it still wasn’t fair.

“I’m off. Bye,” Mom called up the stairs.

“See ya,” I responded, even though I couldn’t wait for her to be gone. At least when she was at work, I could breathe.

This was the first day of being grounded and I was already pissed off because Sophie had invited me to go on a road trip with her and Megan, which I’d had to decline. I hadn’t told her that I’d been grounded yet because I knew she’d be with Megan and I’d prefer to have the conversation with her in person.

I dragged my feet downstairs and made myself a bowl of cereal. After a few spoonfuls, I pushed the bowl away, the food feeling weird in my mouth. I’d been a fool to think that I’d feel better after I came clean to Mom about Harrison, but I felt even worse.

It had been such a struggle sleeping last night as I replayed the conversation over and over again, their angry faces flashing into my mind’s eye. For some reason, I kept placing more blame on myself than on the adults who were responsible, which didn’t make the slightest bit of sense.

Looking for a distraction, I picked up my phone, ready to sink some hours into YouTube when I realised I had some unopened messages. Weird.

I checked to see who it was and there were two messages from Ross that I hadn’t replied to. And he’d sent them yesterday, shit.

Hey, how you doing?

Wanna hang out today?

I groaned, annoyed at myself for fucking up already when we’d barely even been going out for a week. Not only had I been a terrible daughter, and a terrible friend, now I could add terrible girlfriend to my repertoire, too.

If I were him, I’d be so annoyed, especially because we’d recently gotten better at communicating with each other. Miscommunication had literally been the thing that had torn us apart in the first place. The only thing I could do was apologise and hope that Ross wouldn’t be too mad at me.

Who was I kidding? That boy had a temper as unpredictable as the weather and as harsh as the devil. My hands shook as I waited for him to pick up the phone.

The phone rang and rang, and I thought he wasn’t going to pick up. I felt tears at the corners of my eye and was angry with myself that I’d probably upset Ross by appearing to ghost his message.

I was ready for the phone to go straight to voicemail when I heard Ross pick up.

“Hello?” I asked, slightly too eager at the fact that he hadn’t ignored me. “Ross, can you hear me?”

“I can hear you,” he said coldly.

“I’m so sorry I didn’t answer your text. I swear I wasn’t ignoring you. I just didn’t see it. Everything was so hectic and crazy here yesterday, I can’t begin to tell you…”

I was rambling; the words coming out thick and fast, when Ross cut me off with his own.

“You’re not the only one with shit going on, Ava,” Ross said bitterly. I stopped. His words made me feel like I’d run into a brick wall.

“I know I’m not, I was just saying that I wasn’t ignoring you, I can explain everything,” I said gently, hoping that Ross would give me the chance to tell the truth now that I was finally ready.

Ross chuckled, but it was an unpleasant sound. I couldn’t understand why he was so angry about me missing his text. I knew it was annoying, but I didn’t think it was that big a deal.

“Ross, is everything okay?” I asked.

“With me? Oh, everything is absolutely splendid,” he said in an overly joyful voice. I could tell he was being sarcastic and could tell that an argument was brewing on the horizon.

“I’m sorry, okay?” I said more forcefully than I intended. Clearly, Ross wasn’t in the mood for niceties, so there was no reason for me to sugarcoat anything.

“I found out I have an older half-brother called Harrison, that Mom gave up for adoption when she was seventeen. Yesterday, Mom found out that we’d been talking to each other behind her back,” I said quickly before he could interrupt me. The line went quiet for a moment. I thought Ross had disappeared.

“Hello?” I said into the phone, honestly annoyed that he didn’t seem to be paying attention to what I was saying.

“That’s interesting,” he said in a monotone voice.

“Interesting?” I shot back. “That’s all you have to say?” I could feel my heart in my throat and a voice in the back of my head telling me to back down, but I chose to ignore it. How the hell was my boyfriend going to brush aside something so important to me?

Ross sighed heavily before he spoke.

“I would say more, but I’ve been at the hospital with my mom for the last two days, so do forgive me for not responding in a way that you deem appropriate, m’lady.” Time stopped as my brain registered what Ross had said. His mom was in the hospital?

“I’m so sorry, I didn’t know!” I exclaimed, feeling like an idiot. I suddenly felt selfish for putting my matters above his, when obviously Ross was going through his own shit. His abrasiveness was now making sense.

“How is she doing?”

“She almost died, but you would have known that if you’d replied to my messages,” he said spitefully.

“Ross, I said I’m sorry. I didn’t do it on purpose-”

“It’s cool, Ava. It’s not your fault you weren’t there for me. You obviously have other important things to deal with.” Ross’s voice sounded almost recognisable.

“Listen to me, Ross,” I said forcefully. “You’re important to me. I’m here to support you, okay?”

“Honestly, Ava, let’s not pretend that what you’re saying is true.” Ross’s voice made my heart splinter in my chest. My throat suddenly felt dry and scratchy, while my face was wet with tears. Why was he pushing me away when I was trying to make amends?

“Why are you acting like this?” I cried.

“Why are you shocked?” Ross shot back coldly. “You know what, I don’t have time for this. Bye, Ava.”

“What the hell?”

Ross hung up on me and I tossed my phone on the table, struggling to comprehend what had just taken place.

It’s like the last few weeks hadn’t happened and I was left with a shadow of the guy I thought he could be. Fair enough, his feelings were probably heightened because his mom was in hospital, but that didn’t stop the pain that had started spreading through my chest.

Maybe my expectations had been too high, and I was being unrealistic to think that we could be a normal couple when there was clearly a lot of shit going on in both our lives.

I picked up my phone and went to the hospital website to check when visitation hours were. I sighed when I realised that they were finishing in 5 minutes time and the hospital was an 8 minute drive away.

I wanted to call Ross again to see if we could try to talk through things. We were meant to be in a relationship, but right now, it didn’t feel that way at all. I called again, but this time his phone went straight to voicemail, which meant he’d either switched it off or blocked me. I didn’t want to think too much about it and decided I’d try again tomorrow. He could ignore me all he wanted, but if I turned up at the hospital, there was not much that he could do except make a scene. Which I wouldn’t put past him, to be honest.

* * *

I spent the rest of the day trying to distract myself from thinking about Ross by sinking time into The Good Place. I was partly doing it to spite him because we said we’d watch the new season together, but I was also hoping that the show would cheer me up from all the shit going on with him, Mom, and Harrison. Unfortunately, it didn’t work, and I was put in an even worse mood because of it.

I stewed in my bed for a few hours, alternating between doom scrolling on my phone and staring at my ceiling. It felt like I’d been riding an ocean wave, constantly up and down, and I couldn’t take it anymore.

I screamed into my pillow, which felt good for about 10 seconds before I thought about what my neighbours would think if they could hear me. I needed to talk to someone.

I called Sophie before I could convince myself not to, glad when she picked up after the second ring.

“Hey girl, how’s it going?” she said into the phone, the loudness of her voice indicating that she was outside or something.

“Not great, I miss you,” I said honestly. While I saw Sophie every day at school and we sat together at lunch, recently we’d been spending less time together because I’d been wrapped up in my situationship now turned relationship with Ross. I felt guilty that I hadn’t made more of an effort and that I also hadn’t been able to go on the road trip with her and Megan.

“Aw, babe I miss you too.” I smiled at the sound of her familiar and warm voice. “What’s getting you down? Is it Ross again?”

I rolled my eyes at the mention of Ross. I’d made a few comments here and there complaining about him, but I hadn’t thought I’d mentioned him that much. Apparently I was wrong.

“A bit, but there’s other shit too,” I said warily in the phone. I suddenly felt bad for interrupting Sophie’s trip and was tempted to put the phone down.

“Give me a second while I find somewhere quiet inside, then you can tell me everything,” she said. A small smile grew on my face and I remembered why I appreciated having Sophie as a friend. She was a great listener and always willing to hear me out, no matter when or how small or stupid my problem was. I listened as she walked through a noisy room before sitting down on what sounded like a bed.

“Right, I’m in my room. Megan’s out at the shop’s so you’ve got me completely to yourself,” said Sophie and I would be lying if I said I wasn’t happy to hear that.

I took a deep breath and got everything off of my chest, telling Sophie about the moment I got Harrison’s message on Facebook, to Mom finding out, then finishing up with me and Ross’s most recent call.

“You still there?” I asked when she hadn’t replied.

“Barely,” Sophie said and from her tone, I could tell that she was completely and utterly shocked. “Fucking hell, Ava! You’ve really kept your mouth shut about everything. You realise your life sounds like an insane Netflix series, right?”

“I guess,” I said chuckling along with her. “Not the one I want to be in though.”

“It does sound like a bit of a shit show,” Sophie said, taking a moment to think.

“In terms of the family stuff, which I think is absolutely wild, you just have to give your mom some time. I’m sure she’s feeling really guilty and awful right now and a lot of anger towards herself. Just talk to her, when you’re ready, of course and let things progress slowly,” Sophie said gently.

“I understand her feelings, it just really sucks,” I sighed.

“I know. On the bright side though, it’s better you found out about Harrison now than 50 years down the line, right?”

“True,” I said.

“Is he hot?”

“He’s my brother!” I exclaimed.

“Yeah, but you have eyes.” Sophie couldn’t see me rolling my eyes at her, but I’m sure she could imagine it.

“Anyway, I could sense from a mile away that you and Ross were going to end up together!”

“It’s not exactly going well though, is it?” I said.

“Go and speak to him in person, it’s always better. Trust me.”

“What if it’s not?” I asked warily. It was bad enough feeling rejected on the phone, I’m not sure I’d be able to handle that face to face.

“You’re not gonna know unless you try,” said Sophie lightly. “I’ve got to go now, but let me know how everything goes. Can’t wait to see you when I get back!”

“No worries, thanks for the advice,” I said. We wished each other good-bye and I put the phone down.

* * *

When Mom came back from work I expected us to fall into our routine of basically avoiding each other until the following day when we’d have space again. I was pleasantly surprised when she asked me to join her in the living room.

“Everything okay?” I asked lamely as I poked my head around the living room door.

“Come and sit down,” Mom said softly, with a small smile. I crossed the room and made myself comfortable in the armchair, feeling weirdly nervous.

“I’m sorry I reacted so horribly,” said Mom, her eyes sincere.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you earlier,” I said and I meant it, even though I knew the result would have been the same.

“I feel more ashamed than anything else,” she said, her eyes welling up with tears. “I just never imagined this day would actually come you know? I’d just hoped Harrison would have a better life with his new family, a life that I hadn’t been able to give him when I was younger and that he wouldn’t even want to find me.” Her lips started wobbling as she spoke.

“Did you ever miss him or look him up online?” I asked, curious to know more.

“Of course I did!” she exclaimed. “I tried not to do it too often because it was a constant reminder of what I’d failed at, which is why I tried so hard when it came to you.” Her eyes locked on mine, the same beautiful eyes she’d gifted me and Harrison.

“I’d say you did a pretty good job,” I said in an attempt to lighten the mood. Mom chuckled.

“Me too. But I shouldn’t have lied to you. That wasn’t fair on you at all and I’m so sorry Ava.” Mom burst into tears, and put her head in her hands to try and stabilise herself. I got out of my seat and sat beside her, stroking her back gently. It was rare to see her in this state and I hated seeing her upset, but she was human after all. And she clearly had so many emotions wrapped up in this situation, it would be impossible to just move on after something as big as this.

I got her some tissues from the coffee table and gave her the space to say her piece without me interrupting. I listened as Mom told me about how she’d gotten a long train to Harrison’s kindergarten to see him when she was still living at her parents’ house, even though they’d dissuaded her from doing so. She told me how it had both brought a smile to her face and broken her heart to see him laughing and playing with the other kids, especially because she knew she couldn’t have a part in his life. She’d given that up.

Mom said she’d kept tabs on Harrison as best as she could on Facebook, silently celebrating when he hit different milestones. I was shocked to hear that she’d even written out several messages and letters intending to send them to him or his adopted parents, but had always backed out at the last minute.

“I was a coward,” she sniffed. “And now you both probably hate me.”

“We don’t hate you, Mom,” I said, stroking her hair. “We understand, it’s just unfortunate that things panned out like this. But that doesn’t mean we can’t start again.” Mom looked up at this.

“We’re family It’s not going to be perfect, but I know Harrison wants to get to know you properly. Why else would he have come all this way?”

“You think he does?” Mom’s red eyes were momentarily filled with hope and I squeezed her hand gently in mine.

“I know for a fact he does,” I said firmly. “Like I said, it’s gonna take time, but the first step is trying.” Mom nodded and squeezed my hand back. “Do you think he’ll want to meet up again?”

“Of course. He probably just needs some time to cool off like you. I’ll give you his number and you can text him when you’re ready.”

“When did you get so grown up?” she chuckled as she wiped away her tears.

“One of us has to be,” I said sarcastically, with a massive grin on my face. She laughed at this and swatted at me playfully. Her eyes widened as she remembered something.

“Speaking of family things, I saw Alice the other day for a catch up.” I felt the room spinning around me. I didn’t get the feeling that Mom knew where Ross’s mom was right now.

“Oh yeah?” I asked warily, searching her eyes for any more information.

“She’s not doing well,” said Mom sadly. “I hope she gets some help. I didn’t want to be rude or anything so I tried not to push it but damn, she looks so different.”

Since we were in the moment of truth telling, I decided to come out with it.

“She’s actually in hospital right now,” I squeaked.

“What?” Mom exclaimed. “Is she okay?”

“I’m not sure,” I said honestly. “Ross didn’t say much on the phone. But I think I’ll visit some time tomorrow,” I said, finally making my mind up on that front.

“Oh my god, I hope it’s not too serious,” Mom gasped. “I’ll definitely pass by some point tomorrow as well, either before or after work. Damn, I almost feel bad for leaving her alone,”

“Mom, it’s not your fault. No one could have known that this was going to happen, okay?” I realised that I was starting to sound more and more like the parent when I was was the one who needed reassurance.

Mom shook her head in disbelief.

“Everything seems to be happening all at once. Oh, Ava, I feel especially bad for you and Ross. You kids are going through so much right now, I really hope you can be there for each other.”

“Yeah,” I said distractedly. I wasn’t in the mood to go into my relationship with her right now. I was already feeling pretty emotionally drained.

“Can I get you some tea?” I asked, standing up to go to the kitchen.

“Tea would be lovely,” said Mom.

It was always the perfect excuse, especially when you wanted to avoid addressing your feelings for just a little bit longer.