Hateful Saint by Ivy Blake

Chapter Eighteen

Ava

“Coming,” I shouted at the door. Sophie obviously hadn’t heard my voice and continued knocking until I opened the door.

“Hey, you!” Sophie exclaimed once her face came into view. “You look… rough,” she added, her face falling for a moment as she looked me up and down.

“Thanks,” I said sarcastically. I moved aside to let her in.

“You’re pulling it off, though. What do they call it? Homeless chic?”

“Enough,” I said, turning on the kettle to make us both a coffee. “I’ve just woken up and I’m not really feeling like doing anything,” I said, hoping that she couldn’t hear the wobble in my voice.

Sophie sat at the kitchen table and played with her coaster while watching me make our drinks. I’d promised to hang out with her, but that had been before I realised that my relationship was slowly falling apart. I’d basically been in bed since I’d come back from the hospital, half-watching sitcoms while I told Mom I was feeling under the weather.

I replayed the conversation I’d had with Ross, wondering if we’d both overreacted or if I could have said something else that would have resulted in a different outcome. None of it mattered anyway because I couldn’t bring myself to text him and he didn’t text me. So it had been complete radio silence.

“I’m guessing things aren’t going well with Ross right now?” Sophie asked warily once I’d joined her at the table.

“You could say that,” I said before taking a sip of my drink.

“Look, from what you’ve told me, it seems like you’re both fucking stressed out and just communicating really badly.”

“What if he doesn’t actually like me, though?” I asked, the thought having popped into my head multiple times. Surely, if he liked me enough to make me his girlfriend, he wouldn’t have let me walk out of that hospital room without a fight?

“Are you kidding me?” Sophie exclaimed, setting her cup down firmly for effect. “I’m pretty sure everyone can see just how much you like each other. Don’t think those secret looks in the hallway and the lunch hall were going unseen,” she smirked at me.

“A lot of those weren’t the friendliest looks, if I remember correctly,” I forced out a laugh.

“Well, you guys got through your differences then. Why can’t you do it now?” Sophie asked indignantly.

“It seems like a lot of effort for something that I don’t feel 100% sure about,” I said honestly after a moment. Being with Ross was like constantly waiting for the hammer to fall, like playing out in the sun but looking up at the sky every few minutes, waiting for the storm clouds to arrive. When it was good, it was great, and we had a lot of fun together, like old times. But it was at times like this that I questioned his feelings for me at all. When he pushed me away like this, I thought back to the times that he’d gone out of his way to humiliate me and show me how much he disliked me. Had I been a fool to fall for him after all the shit he’d put me through?

“Earth to Ava?” Sophie clicked her fingers at me and I realised she’d been speaking while I’d been ruminating.

“Sorry, what did you say?”

“I said, you guys were friends first, and that’s the most important thing. Not all couples have that. Say things didn’t work out with Ross. Can you confidently say that you’d want nothing to do with him?” asked Sophie. I thought for a moment. I’d spent so many years away from him that the second I’d laid eyes on him, I hadn’t wanted him out of my sight, even when he’d been a dick to me. There was something about Ross that was magnetic. I constantly found myself drawn back to him again and again. I thought about how hard it had been to start over and gain his friendship again after everything that had happened. I wasn’t willing to go back to square one. While the sex and kissing was amazing, I would give them up in a heartbeat if it meant that Ross would still be in my life, no matter how much it hurt.

It was him that I wanted, not the title of boyfriend.

“No,” I said. “That would be horrible.”

“And why’s that?” probed Sophie, one eyebrow raised in amusement as she coaxed the words out of me. My throat felt tight as the cogs in my brain slotted into place. It was the same reason behind why I kept going back to Ross, kept playing his games and kept trying to earn his trust again. If it had been anyone else, I couldn’t say if I would have struck around for so long or tried as hard.

“I- I think it’s because I love him,” I said, my voice barely above a whisper. A smug grin spread across Sophie’s face.

“It was about time you admitted it to yourself,” she said brightly.

“But I don’t know if he even feels the same,” I said sadly, remembering the last interaction we had together. “In fact, I think he might be reconsidering our whole relationship.” Sophie flapped her hand at me and shook her head.

“You’re going through a rough patch, that’s normal. But you’ve got to be mature and address your shit properly. It might not be the best time right now, seeing as his Mom is in hospital-”

“I’m pretty sure she’s going to rehab soon,” I said, interrupting her.

“Right, well wait until she’s gone to rehab, give him some space and let him make the move now. He hasn’t officially called anything off, so there’s still hope. You made the last move by going to visit him, now it’s Ross’s turn.” Sophie said, slamming her fist on the table triumphantly.

“But what if he doesn’t?” I asked, worried because I didn’t want to look like an idiot coming back to Sophie a week later telling her that I’d been dumped after she’d spent all this time giving me advice and hyping me up.

“I’m here with you every step of the way.” She reached across the table and squeezed my hand. “But I have a good feeling about this one.” Sophie gave me a kind smile, and I returned it even though my mind was racing with all the possible things that could go wrong next.

“I don’t know about you, but I’m in the mood for RuPaul’s Drag Race,” Sophie said after a moment. “Care to join?”

“Sure,” I said, following her to the living room. I knew I needed something to take my mind off Ross while I gave him space and waited for him to get back to me. And with no school and no desire to go outside right now, Drag Race seemed like the perfect cure, even if it was temporary.

Ross

I gave Mom a hug, knowing I wouldn’t be able to see her for a couple of months while she went away to rehab. I had to admit that it was not the Spring Break I’d imagined I’d have in my senior year. Mom had slowly gotten better over the last few days, to the point where the nurses said that she was ready to go.

Even though I knew that she’d inevitably have to go, I’d gotten into a routine coming to see her, that I knew I’d feel the gaps in my day when I could no longer visit her.

“You take care of yourself,” I whispered into her ear.

“You too, baby. I love you,” Mom said gently, her small head pressed to my chest. I didn’t want to let go, but the driver was getting impatient. After one last squeeze, I watched as one of the nurses helped Mom get into the car before it drove off to the place that would hopefully curb her addiction.

I managed to hold back the tears that threatened to leak out of my eyes as I walked to the front of the hotel where Nate and Austin said they’d pick me up. Mom was gone and so was Ava, but at least I had those two.

“Hey, Ross!” My head snapped to the left at the sound of Austin’s voice. I smiled when I saw him stepping out of the passenger’s seat.

“Hey,” I said, trying to keep as much emotion out of my voice as possible.

“How you feeling?” asked Austin as he pulled me into a hug.

“Not great, but it won’t be too long and it’s about time she gets the help that she needs,” I said into his shoulder. I pulled away and forced myself to give him a wry smile.

“You can ride shotgun, but only because you’re having a tough time, okay?” Austin said with a chuckle. “Don’t get used to it.” He rounded the car and got into the back seat while I climbed into the front.

“What’s up?” asked Nate from the driver’s seat.

“The sky,” I said sarcastically, feeling slightly better when Nate scoffed and rolled his eyes at my shit joke.

“You know you’re cool to come and stay at my house if you want, right?” Nate looked over his shoulder as he reversed out of the bay.

“I appreciate it, but I think I’m gonna stay at mine for a bit. I need some time to think and kinda process everything, you know?” I said. What I wasn’t in the mood for was being pitied right now, even though I knew my boys had the best intentions. I just wanted to lie in bed for a couple of days and not think about anything.

“No worries, but we’re always here if you need someone to talk to or if you need to be distracted, okay?”

“Absolutely. You don’t need to go through this on your own,” Austin chipped in from the back.

“I appreciate it. Thanks for coming to pick me up anyway,”

“Anytime, bro.”

While Austin and Nate had come to visit Mom once during her hospital stay, I’d asked them to not come again. For some reason I felt guilty letting other people seeing her in such a vulnerable state, even people I trusted like my friends and Ava’s mom. I also didn’t like being fawned over. It made me feel small and helpless, like I was ten years old again. And I hated feeling that way.

* * *

A few days passed with me ordering takeout and ignoring the messages on my phone, trading social interactions for gaming and catching up on Breaking Bad. I was struggling to keep track of the days, made worse by the fact that it was Spring Break. I probably had some homework or some shit to do, but the energy to engage with that was absent and I simply had no shits left to give. My Aunt Jackie, Mom’s younger sister, was meant to come sometime in the next week to look out for me, but I didn’t remember when. I’d rather be left to my own devices, but I didn’t have any control over that one.

There was a knock on the door and I was confused as to who it could be. I hadn’t made any plans to meet anyone and hadn’t even bothered to get dressed. I lay still in my bed, choosing to ignore it, hoping that whoever it was fucked off and left me alone. Five minutes later, they were still knocking and ringing the bell. Fucking hell.

I threw on some shorts and went downstairs, knowing that I probably smelt like ass. I opened the door to reveal Austin and Nate standing on my doorstep with a casserole tray.

“Afternoon, gorgeous,” said Nate as he stepped into my house.

“You’re smelling pretty ripe, man,” said Austin, following Nate in.

“What are you guys doing here?” I asked. I followed my friends into the kitchen, where they set the tray down on the breakfast bar.

“My mom made this casserole for you.” Nate looked around the kitchen at the empty pizza boxes strewn all over the place. “Just wanna make sure you’re eating good.”

“Right, thanks,” I said, annoyed that they’d gotten me out of bed for this.

“Also, Megan was telling me that she’s worried about Ava because she hasn’t seen her in a bit,” Austin added with a raised eyebrow. I perked up at the sound of Ava’s name even though the action was involuntary.

“What’s going on with Ava?” I asked. I barley had the energy to act like I didn’t care. I hadn’t heard from her since she’d left the hospital and couldn’t bring myself to text her. Her message had been loud and clear.

“You tell us,” said Nate as he poured himself a drink.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I lied through gritted teeth.

“Ross, cut the shit and just admit the truth,” said Austin.

“What truth?”

“That you love her and it’s making you act like an idiot!”

“I never said anything about love!” I snapped. The smiles on Ross and Austin’s faces grew quickly, and I wanted to slap both of them. They had attempted to corner me and force me to address my feelings. But I hadn’t even wanted to address them myself, so they were dumb for thinking that they’d be successful.

“I know your Mom’s gone to rehab, and that’s probably not making things better, but the way you’re skulking around-”

“I’m not skulking!” I said, cutting Nate off.

“You’re definitely skulking,” Austin chimed in. I rolled my eyes and sighed. I couldn’t win with these two once they’d decided to gang up on me.

“The way you’re acting is completely different to the way you were a couple weeks ago when everything was cool with you and Ava. So what’s changed?” asked Nate. He looked at me curiously, and I know he meant no harm, but I felt like I was being scrutinised and I didn’t like it. A growl escaped my throat as I fought between telling them the truth and telling them to fuck off.

My conscience won this round, and I found myself spilling my guts to my friends about the most recent shit that had gone down with me and Ava.

“So she said ‘maybe it’s better if you’re not together?’” asked Austin.

“Yep,” I replied.

“And what did you say?” he pressed on.

“I don’t know, I just agreed with her I guess.” Austin and Nate groaned simultaneously.

“What?” I asked defensively. “She said it first.”

“Yeah, but she was doing it to test how you feel about her. No wonder she’s upset,” said Austin.

“How do you know she’s upset?” I asked, my chest feeling tight once again.

“I have ways of knowing things.” Austin tapped the side of his nose.

“You’re being a jackass and a fucking idiot,” said Nate. “With love, you need to sort this shit out.”

“Why do I have to do anything?” I was exhausted from going around in circles about this. It was too much effort, too much emotional energy, and I was almost ready to call it quits at this point.

“Because you’re both clearly crazy about each other and you’re just hurting yourselves because of past shit and your own insecurities!” exclaimed Nate, throwing his arms up in agitation.

“Alright, Mr Therapist,” Austin teased. “He’s kinda right, though. You need to act quickly if you don’t want to lose her.” Austin paused for a moment. His eyes were serious as he looked at me. “Unless you don’t care about losing her?”

“Of course I don’t want to lose her,” I said truthfully. That idea was terrifying and had taken permanent residence in my mind. “What if she actually doesn’t want to be with me?” I asked, hating how small my voice sounded.

“Then you have to accept her decision, but you can’t just mope around and pretend nothing’s happening. You’ve got to try,” said Nate.

“She hasn’t messaged me, though. Maybe that’s a sign that she’s actually done,” I said, looking for any excuse that would give me the easiest way out.

“Even more reason for you to act now. She’s pulling away because you are. I promise, it’s not too late,” said Austin. “You need to shower first though.”

“Do I?” I teased, as I pushed my armpits into Austin’s and Nate’s faces. They wretched and pushed me away, disgusted by the foul smells emanating from there.

“That is a bio-hazard!” said Austin.”

“Right, let’s be serious, guys. How is Ross gonna get Ava back?”