Never by Blue Saffire

Chapter 19

Nightmares

Sal

I wake up gasping for air and clawing at the sheets. Strong hands reach for one of my shoulders and I start swinging. I plan to fight this time. I’m not going down without a fight.

“Fuck,” is growled as my vision and my head start to clear. “Baby, it’s me. You had a bad dream, it’s me. Your man.”

I instantly relax at the sound of Gutter’s voice. The bedside lamp comes on and his back comes into view. I don’t know why, but seeing that winged Reaper on his back settles me. It brings on a calm I’ve never known before.

When Gutter turns to face me, I gasp. His lip is split. I rush to climb into his lap and cup his face. I didn’t mean to hurt him.

“I’m so sorry,” I pout. “I—”

He cuts me off with the shake of his head. “You were having a bad dream. I know you didn’t mean it.” He runs a hand over my short hair. “Are you okay? Do you want to talk about what you were dreaming about?”

The images from the dream hit me full force. I shiver and sink into his heat. I squeeze my eyes shut, wanting to force the nightmare away. It doesn’t work. I start to shake, causing Gutter to rub my back.

“It’s okay. I’m right here. Nothing can hurt you. You don’t have to talk about it,” he purrs next to my ear.

Hearing his words makes me want to tell him. I know he will find a way to comfort me. I tuck my face in his neck and start to speak.

“It was the same old nightmare, but different. This time there were two of them. One pinning me down and the other.” I gasp and sniffle. “I think its knowing that he’s out there, looking for me. It has triggered the nightmares to change.”

“I understand. Damn, baby, do I understand. I have all kinds of triggers, but I always have to remind myself that I’m bigger, stronger, and none of that shit can touch me again.

“It’s the same for you, baby. You’re stronger, you have people around who are going to protect you, and none of that shit will ever touch you again,” he rumbles into my hair.

“I know I’m stronger. I’m a hell of a lot smarter and wiser.” I pause and blink back tears. “It’s just… I get so angry with myself. I was strong then, when it happened. I could have done more; I could have fought harder.”

“Stop,” he says gently, but firmly. “You did what your brain allowed at that time. You did what you could to survive. I won’t let you beat yourself up over going into survival mode. Not when you’re sitting here in my arms breathing.”

“I shot my first gun when I was eight,” I say with a grin.

I decide to share more about myself to lighten the mood. Gutter lifts a brow at me. The nightmare begins to fall away as he tightens his arms around me. I place a soft kiss on his cut lip.

“I know there is a story behind this one.” He chuckles.

“Of course.” I laugh.

Gutter settles back down on the bed, taking me with him. He’s in his boxer briefs, but I still have on my shorts and T-shirt. I smile. Pierson understands me. I appreciate him not undressing me.

“Mom and Cage were just friends, but he was sweet on mom. I’ve always been shy. Not as shy as Eva, but still shy,” I say as I settle my face against his broad, warm chest. I snort and continue.

“Some kid on our street was talking shit about his daddy teaching him to shoot. Then he threatened me and Eva. I knew Mama had a gun in the house, so I went looking for it.

“Cage happened to be over, fixing something for Mama. He found me with the gun in my hands.” I stop and smile at the memory. Cage was my hero.

“He looked down at me and said. ‘You know how to use that thing?’ I looked up at him with wide eyes. I was sure he was about to tan my hide.

“I shook my head and said, ‘No, sir.’ Cage nodded and pushed off the doorjamb. He picked me up and carried me out back. He explained how the gun worked, even showed me how to break it down and put it back together.

“Then he let me shoot it. I was so in awe and petrified of the damn thing. When Cage asked why I needed it, I told him. He took the gun back in the house, then took me down to Jimmy Crooks’ house.

“Cage called him and his daddy outside. I don’t know what he whispered to Jimmy’s daddy, but his face was white as a sheet after. He started whipping Jimmy’s ass before they got back into the house.” I laugh at the memory.

“Cage sounds like an amazing man. I wish I’d gotten to know him.” Gutter chuckles.

“Yeah, he was. Only father I ever knew. Mama loved him so much. We all did. He was larger than life and would take the shirt off his back for you.” I wipe away a tear.

“Tell me something that doesn’t make you cry, baby,” Gutter whispers.

I take a moment to think. It’s hard at first, but I smile when something clicks. I look up at him with a beaming smile.

“I love you,” I say and hold my breath.

Fire lights his eyes. It sets my entire body aflame. He cups the side of my face, not saying a word. Gently, he caresses my skin with his fingertips. His eyes say more than his words ever could.

I release a ragged breath as a chill runs up my spine. He moves his hand under my chin and lifts my face to his. He moves his lips to meet mine tenderly. It’s our softest, gentlest kiss yet, but missing none of the heat.

I taste a hint of salt and copper from his busted lip, but it doesn’t stop either of us. He groans into my mouth when I gently flick my tongue over the wound. I purr with glee as he growls and deepens the kiss slightly.

Gutter kisses me thoroughly, while he smoothly pushes me onto my back. When he breaks the kiss, he looks me right in the eyes. I look up at him, in awe of the emotions I see in him. Then he does me in with his words.

“When a man loves a woman, he shows her with his life. He worships her mind, body, and soul. As a boy, that’s what I saw my father do with my mama. That was the only time I knew true love, until now.

“I’m not a whole man, baby, but what I am, is in love with you and I keep falling the longer I’m around you. The rust is falling from my heart and I can feel it beat again. Salalia, I’m not whole, but tonight I think I have enough of a man in me to worship you the way a man in love should,” he says, before taking my lips in a loving kiss that speaks volumes of worship and reverence.

He drags lips from mine, down to my chin. I moan and writhe beneath him as he flicks his tongue out over my skin. He’s in no rush. This is going to be slow; I can feel it. Even the fire within is burning slowly.

I inhale Gutter and his loving touch. I take in every subtle caress, every warm breath, every soft groan, before I exhale all the unwanted stuff. The past, my losses, hurts, and pain. When I inhale again, it’s like my entire body opens up anew.

I feel him everywhere. Gutter kisses his way down my center, from the base of my throat to between my breasts. He reaches beneath me to release my bra.

Without hesitation, I wiggle the straps off and pull the fabric free from my T-shirt. A gasp leaves my mouth when he moves to nip one of my tightened peaks through the fabric. The mix of sensations shoot straight to the happy place in my core.

I draw strength from his touch. I’ve never truly felt sexy until this moment. His words were clear and resonated with me, but as he shows his devotion to my body, they sink in. He loves me.

I release a purr as he unleashes a sweet torture on my breasts, still over their cotton covering. He cups my right one with his rough hand as he devours the left. The words he whispers against my mound are a game changer.

“I love you, baby. You’re the only one with rights to my heart. I’m never letting you go.” His voice is thick with truth.

I don’t doubt him with any bone in my body. I can feel his words are meant to soothe my anxiety and any remnants of the nightmare I’m quickly forgetting. Somehow, I begin to believe his love can bring the closure I need to my past.

I don’t have to fear the shadows of my memories. Gutter is here to scare them and my scars away. His touch alone sets a flame to the twisted memories I have of being with a man.

My mind spins as I recognize his touch as his gesture of making love to me. Tears spill from my eyes, I never thought I could have this. I never thought I’d know the touch of love or intimacy.

Gutter moves back up my body to hover over me. His breath fans my face as he locks his gaze with mine. I cradle his face in my hands, but before I can kiss him, he dips his head to kiss my tears away.

“No tears, remember?” he murmurs.

“They’re tears of joy.” I smile up at him as our eyes catch again.

He searches my face before he nods his response. I shiver beneath him as he rests his hand on the side of my face and caresses my lower lip with his thumb. He’s taking more caution than usual with me. He kisses my chin.

I love the tenderness he’s giving me, but this fire isn’t going to extinguish itself. I push at his shoulders, causing him to turn onto his back. I follow his body, straddling his hips.

He sits up, palming my sides. His lips return to my chin while he kisses and nips at me. He drags his hands up my sides, reaches for the hem of my shirt and yanks it off over my head.

With both his warm hands, he palms my breasts, kneading my flesh as he looks at them in awe. I watch him closely. It’s as if he can’t believe he’s allowed to touch me or something.

“You’re so beautiful. Your skin looks made for my hands. I always want to have my hands on you,” he says, peeling his eyes from our connection long enough to see if I hear and understand his words.

I start to grind in his lap. I want him so much. His erection tries to push free of his boxer briefs. I look down between us, rocking against it.

“I always want your hands on me,” I breathe back.

He groans from deep within and moves his hands to my shorts to unbutton them. I’m losing my battle with patience. I reach down to wiggle out of my shorts and stand up to shimmy out of my ripped stockings.

Once they are at my feet, I kick my shorts, stockings, and panties free from my legs and return to his lap, locking my fingers in his hair. He latches his eyes onto mine, then slides his hands down my back, meeting my curves, and squeezes. His length pulses beneath my pussy.

Yet, he’s still taking his time. I reach between us and release him from his confines. He lifts his hips up into me when I go to push his boxers farther down.

A loud moan escapes my lips when his bare flesh slides through my wet lips, but doesn’t enter me. I need to do more than grind against him. There’s this deep need to feel him inside of me. It’s as if I’m going to burst any moment now.

Gutter reaches between my legs and fingers my slit. I bite my lip and roll my eyes in my head. His touch is everything and more, but I still need more. I’m greedy for him.

“Mmm,” he moans, causing me to focus my eyes to look at him.

I respond with a moan of my own when he sucks me off his fingers. The lust in his eyes is enough to have my juices gushing forth. Men as gorgeous as Gutter are meant to be imagined, not experienced.

Fuck that, I’m here and I’m going to experience every inch of him.

With a smirk on my lips, I reach between us and start a slow descent down his offering of pleasure. No, scratch that. This is his offering of love.

True love, because he’s just as damaged as I am. I keep my eyes on his, knowing how important that is to ground us both right here in the moment. I start to ride him slowly. He rocks his hips up into me at the same controlled measure.

“Pierson,” I gasp.

He reaches between us, placing his thumb on my button. I can’t help crying out and circling my hips while he circles my clit. With the same hand, he glides his fingers up to my throat, massaging the column of my neck.

Then he glides his hand back down between my breasts, pushing me back as he continues to rock into me. I continue to ride him, leaning back until my head meets the mattress.

“Fuck,” Gutter growls, shifting to swivel and thrust into me.

I use my thighs to guide me up and down his length. He grasps my hips, taking advantage of my flexibility. With each of his upward thrusts, I come down to meet him. Not once have we lost the connection through our eyes.

I think that connection makes it more intense. My heart swells. His eyes are telling me more than words ever can.

I cry out when he moves his hands to my ribs and tightens them. He draws me back up into a sitting position, bringing my mouth right to his. He takes my lips and devours me.

His soft lips taste of salt and copper from the mix of his own sweat and blood. Then there’s something with a sweet note coloring the flavor of his mouth.

Breaking the kiss, he looks up into my eyes. When he places his forehead to mine, it’s like our connection deepens. I part my lips and so does he. It’s like we are breathing each other in. We pleasure each other just like this for longer than I think possible.

“I’m coming,” I whimper.

“Together.”

I nod, feeling him swell inside me. I know he’s about to come. I dig my nails into his shoulders as I ride the seconds out. My climax is right within my reach.

When Gutter roars into the room, I can’t hold back, even if I wanted to. It’s like I burst into flames as my heart tries to come through my chest. I drop my face into the crook of his neck.

“I love you, baby girl,” he says so softly it makes my heart ache.

I would never expect to hear such gentleness from a gruff man like him. There’s a heart of gold inside this man. Knowing that I own a piece of it warms my heart in places I didn’t know existed.

“I love you too, Pierson.”