All the Cuts and Scars We Hide by Garry Michael

Twenty-Nine: Kai

Home Again, Only I Wasn’t

A knock on the door jarred me awake. I rolled over and remembered I was in my old bedroom in my ohana's home. It was late in the evening when Pa picked me up from the airport. After what happened between Wyatt and me, I booked the first available flight out of Seattle. I was back home in Hawai’i, only it didn’t feel like home.

Another knock rattled my door.

“Kai, are you up?” Lei called after a brief silence.

“Come in, Lei.”

The door opened and Lei came in. She was no longer walking with her crutches, but I couldn’t miss the pronounced limp when she walked toward me.

I tore my gaze from her and focused on the polished cement floor instead. I sat up and twisted out of the covers, hanging my feet off the bed, when Lei sat beside me.

“It’s getting better,” she said while she extended her leg up.

“Lei, I’m so—”

“Stop it, Kuya,” she interrupted my apology and turned to face me. “Stop saying you’re sorry. It’s not your fault. What can we say to make you believe us? You know what you should be sorry for?” she asked.

Clueless, I just looked into eyes that almost matched mine and shook my head.

“You should be sorry for walking away. For ignoring our calls. For making us feel like we don’t matter. Because that hurt more than anything.”

I reached out to wipe the tears that were flowing down her cheeks then wrapped my arms around her. “I’m sorry for all of that,” I whispered through her hair. “I’m here now, and I will never leave our ohana again.”

Another knock from the door grabbed both our attention and we pulled away from each other’s embrace. “Come in,” I called out and Mikaela came in.

“Ma said you're back. Nice to see ya.” Mikaela rushed toward me and gave me a kiss on the cheek and a hug.

“It’s so nice to see you,” I said, matching her enthusiasm.

“I knew you wouldn’t last that long being away from Hawai’i,” she teased.

My smile faltered at that comment.

Mikaela frowned and looked at Lei who gave her a shrug. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.” I swallowed the sadness that was threatening to envelop me. The sadness had possessed me since I left Seattle for good. I shouldn’t feel this way. They said red was the color of love, but why am I so blue? Not even the presence of my family could tear me out of this gloom. I missed Wyatt, it’s only been a few days since I saw him last, but my heartfelt hollow. I tried to keep fighting for us, but that battle was too massive for one person to soldier on.

“Are you okay, Kuya?” Lei rubbed my back and I found both of them staring at me when I looked up.

“Yeah, just jet lag is all. I’ll be fine.”

“Okay, I’m gonna be late for work.  I’ll see you at dinner tonight, ya?” Mikaela said. She left the room and waved goodbye.

“I heard from Julliard,” Lei said once Mikaela had gone.

I held my breath and the all-consuming guilt tried to surface until Lei continued.

“They are extending their invitation until next year when I’m all healed.” Her eyes became glossy with tears.

I hugged her and blew out a breath. “That’s great. I am so happy for you. No one deserves it more than you do. You worked so hard and you're amazing.”

“Thank you, now please do us all a favor. Let go of the guilt. We want our Kai back.”

“I’m supposed to be the mature one here, and yet here you’re giving life lessons. Jesus! You’re too wise for your own good. You know that?” I teased.

As expected, Ma and Pa had thrown a luau celebrating my homecoming. They’d find any excuse to have a party. Everyone was gathered on the spacious lanai, lined up to sample Ma’s famous recipes. The temperature was perfect for an outdoor gathering. You could smell the plumeria blooms from Ma’s favorite tree by the fence that separated us from the road.

Even with everyone around, someone was missing, and that someone was twenty-five hundred miles away. I was missing him so much, but I wanted to be present at my gathering and with my ohana.

I sneaked inside the house to have a moment to myself.

“What’s wrong, Kai? Are you still tired from the trip?” Ma asked, interrupting my thoughts of Wyatt.

I shook my head as tears cascaded down my cheeks. Ma led me to my bedroom and once we were inside, I let everything out. The valve that was holding all the pressure from the accident, the San Juan Islands and Wyatt, was about to burst open. I told her everything and she listened.

“I’m sorry about that, Kai. We’re always here for you. We will support you in whatever you want to do. I just want you to be happy. That is what all parents want. This Wyatt sounds like a great guy, but this is his journey. Only he can determine his final destination. Do you understand what I’m saying?”

“I do, Ma.”

“We love you, Kai.”

“I love you too, Ma. Let’s enjoy the party outside.”