Perfect Tragedy by Jennifer Miller

3

The Valentine’s Day cards sitting on my desk mock me. I thought the little cards stating "I’m A Sucker For You” would be cute to pass out to my friends with a lollipop. It’s my favorite candy, I almost always have one. Blake teases me about my love for them. One time he took mine out of my mouth and popped it into his own and I almost had an aneurysm. Now a freshman in high school, my major crush on him hasn’t let up - if anything it’s only worse.

The smile gracing my mouth over that lollipop memory falls off my face in degrees knowing it’s silly of me to even let my mind wander to wild or not so wild fantasies. Thinking about it is a certain kind of emotional suicide because my hopes and dreams simply die when my thoughts go to that place. Without a doubt I know that there’s no point in fixating, let alone expanding, on my feelings for Blake Walker so I have no idea why my heart continues to betray my mind.

With a sigh I roll over in my bed turning away from the Valentine’s on my desk, not wanting to think any more about what my friends have dubbed, ‘love day’. Besides, I have plenty of other things to do today. Homework, laundry, a book I’m in the middle of reading - all more productive than the wallowing I’ve been caught up in.

Unrequited crushes suck, big time.

I’ve got it so bad for Blake that sometimes it’s all I can think about. The feelings twist my stomach, wrench my heart, and frequently leave me breathless. Occasionally it causes me to wonder that if a crush can leave me feeling this way, what will it be like to fall in love? I’m not really sure if I ever want to fall in love because a simple crush is enough to drive me crazy.

My best friend, Vanessa, is the only one that knows about my feelings - although if I’m honest I think my mom may suspect too even though I’ve never said anything directly to her about it. I do remember the day I confessed my feelings to Vanessa though. I was so nervous, thinking I was divulging a huge secret - and I was as far as I was concerned - but Vanessa laughed. And laughed. Really it was quite rude how long she carried on about it. She told me that she had always known and thought it was funny I actually thought it wasn’t as obvious as the nose on my face, or some silly expression like that. It resulted in my totally freaking out, afraid that if she knew then others and Blake had to know too. She assured me that if others suspected, they didn’t say gossip about it and that boys aren’t nearly as perceptive as girls. I gladly took her word because the thought of anything different was too much to bear.

Thank goodness for Vanessa and her friendship. Life before her was simply boring. She’s the only reason that life didn’t completely suck when Blake and Jack moved on to high school. Their absence was sharply felt, but I know it would have been far worse without her. Thankfully I never ran into any trouble without them there to come to my defense. The previous bullies seemed to remember Jack and Blake’s threats all too well and knew bothering me wasn’t worth their ire. And otherwise I just seemed to fade into the woodwork and stay under the radar.

The day I finished my last day of eighth grade I dreamed about setting foot in Mason Creek High. I couldn’t wait to be in the same school as my brother and Blake again and to finally feel like I was a regular part of their lives again. Being in separate schools put distance between us that felt like a vast uncrossable canyon. I felt so on the outside of everyday conversations. They’d refer to people and teachers, none of which I had any knowledge about and of course, since I was only in junior high, I wasn’t invited to any of their social or sporting events and activities. Well, I got to attend a few games they participated in, but merely as a spectator and typically sitting with my parents or Vanessa. Jack certainly didn’t want his little sister trailing along. It sucked.

My first day in high school was even better than I could have ever anticipated. It seemed as soon as I stepped foot onto campus I was instantly popular. Classmates and teachers alike knew who I was, and yeah, it was because I was Jack’s little sister and Blake’s friend. It was similar to middle school, but even more intense. Everyone either wanted to be friends with them, or simply be them. And why? Well, because they were exactly what every American boy dreams to be – a popular jock. The two of them were basically a football coach’s wet dream - they loved the game, were obsessed with working out and kicking ass - and they were realizing amazing results, winning game after game. They were our small town’s football heroes - sophomores already playing on the varsity team - and while I loved them to pieces, sometimes I hated it too. Until I managed to find my own way.

Joining the volleyball team sort of happened by accident. We played the game in gym class and I was surprisingly good at it. Our gym teacher also happened to be the coach and she asked me to try out which I did. I loved it, and joining the team helped me establish my own group of friends and reputation in school as a good student and athlete in my own right. The best thing is that they really didn’t care about my brother or Blake. Maybe because my teammates are just lowly freshman like me, but regardless Vanessa is really my only trusted friend in the bunch. She never misses a game and has been my biggest support in more ways than one.

Admittedly, I expected Jack and Blake would likely ignore me, too involved in their own friends, the girls that seemed to trail after them like puppies, and football to give me much attention, but I was wrong. They made a point of making me part of their group. They hung out at my locker sometimes, stopped into my class before or after to talk, and sometimes even came and sat down with me at lunch until I’d make them leave me and my friends alone.

Sitting up with a sigh, I catch my reflection in the mirror over my dresser. My dark hair is in disarray and I run my hands through the thick waves trying to bring order. My large blue eyes follow the movements of my hands, trace the lines of my cheekbones and the fullness of my lips before I stare into them and admire my naturally thick lashes. Vanessa curses my luck and tries to emulate them with layer after layer of mascara. My eyes are my best feature I guess, but I hate how expressive they can be. Dad says I’m like my mom, you just have to look into them hard enough to know exactly what I’m thinking. I roll my eyes just thinking about it. My mom is beautiful and people say I look a lot like her, but I don’t think I’m attractive really and certainly wouldn’t call myself beautiful. I’m not unattractive by any means, and I’ve been asked out by a couple boys already, but I’ve turned them all down.

They aren’t the one I really wish would ask.

Gathering all my hair into one hand, I raise it to the top of my head and turn my face side to side before letting it all go. Watching it fall around my shoulders I admit to myself that it wouldn’t matter if I were the most beautiful girl in the world, Blake wouldn’t even notice. All I am, and all I’ll ever be to Blake is Jack’s little sister.

My phone begins ringing loudly and I jump at the loud sound in my quiet room. Snatching it off my bedside table, surprise raises my brows when I see Blake’s name and photo on the screen.

After clearing my throat, I answer, “Hey, Blake. What’s up?”

“Hey Si,” he says shortening my name which he’s done for years. “Are you busy right now?”

“Uh, no, not really. Why? What do you and Jack want?” Usually when one of them calls me it’s because they want me to come keep count of their weight reps or something stupid like that. If I didn’t enjoy watching Blake’s muscles bulge when he lifted I would find it annoying - I’m sure of it.

“It’s just me, actually. That needs something I mean,” he says and he sounds nervous which makes my stomach clench. This isn’t like him.

“Okay…”

“I was wondering if you would come to the store with me? I could really use your help with something.”

“Okay, sure. I can help you,” I tell him automatically.

“Yeah? You sure you don’t mind?”

“I’m sure.”

“Sweet. I’ll swing by in five. That enough time?”

“Yeah. Yes. Of course. Fine. I’ll be ready.” Could I sound anymore stupid? You would think I haven’t ever spoken to him or hung around him for years.

“Okay, be there soon.”

“Okay,” I say again and hang up.

Sitting on the edge of my bed, then immediately standing up again, I wonder what in the world he needs my help with? He’s never asked me to go to the store with him before. I mean, sure he’s taken me for ice cream or given me a ride here or there, but this… something about this feels different.

Realizing I’m wasting time, I look down at myself and gasp. Seeing a small spill on my shirt from breakfast, I strip it off and throw it across the room in the direction of the laundry basket before turning to my closet. Moving hanger after hanger to the side dismissing each shirt I see, my eyes finally land on one of my favorite blue shirts with a cute floral pattern that has straps that cross in the front. It will look fine with the jeans I’ve already got on.

Pulling it over my head quickly, I shove my feet into some silver flats then grab a sweater just in case. It’s mid-February and while the winter has been mild, it can change on a dime so it’s best to be prepared.

Ducking into the jack-and-jill style bathroom that I share with Jack who’s bedroom is on the other side, I lock his side of the door so he doesn’t come in while I make sure my hair is tame and straighten any out-of-place hairs, then grab some lip gloss from the drawer and swipe it across my lips. I grab my cream blush and dab a little color onto my cheeks being careful to keep it natural. I don’t want it to look like I tried too hard.

Happy with the result, I unlock Jack’s door, leave the bathroom, grab my phone and head to the living room where I immediately look out the window to see if Blake has arrived yet.

My mom looks up from her computer, “Going somewhere?”

“Yeah, Blake is picking me up.” Her right brow raises in curiosity. I’m sure its because I only said Blake’s name and not Blake and Jack. “He said he needs my help with something at the store,” I shrug.

She nods, “Bring your phone,” she instructs. Holding it up in my hand so she can see I’ve already got it, she nods. “Be back within a couple hours for dinner, alright?”

“Okay, I will.”

“And tell Blake he can eat with us if he’d like. He hasn’t been over for a little while.”

We give each other a look and I nod, knowing exactly what she’s thinking. The past few years Blake’s mom has… changed. Blake’s dad walked out on his family and ever since then his mom hasn’t been the same. She’s developed an unhealthy relationship with alcohol and there’s been a few "episodes” that have happened in town. They’ve been so bad that various business owners in town have had to call Blake to ask him to come and remove his mother - so of course that means the whole town knows. Word travels fast in a small town like ours.

I can’t imagine how hard it has to be on Blake and his sister. I’ve overheard Jack talking to our parents about it, but they usually found me snooping and I wasn’t privy to much of the conversation. I’ve still heard the things people have whispered about at school though, never daring to say anything to his face. It’s sad and I know it’s taking a toll on him. He’s extremely somber at times; stressed. At times he looks like he’s carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders.

Doing my best, I try to shake the thoughts from my mind. I don’t want to be transparent or somber when Blake picks me up. He has a sixth sense for when something is bothering me and it’s weird he can be so intuitive about some things and completely clueless about others.

Checking outside once more, I see his old red pickup truck pulling up into our driveway.

“He’s here. I’ll be back soon.”

“Okay,” my mom says absently, her attention back to whatever she’s looking at on her computer. “Seatbelt,” she calls out as an afterthought.

“Always,” I reply as I close the front door behind me.

Blake’s just closed the door to his truck when he catches sight of me, “Hey,” he smiles, “I was just on my way to the door.”

“I saw you pull up.” He walks around the truck and opens the passenger door for me. Once I climb up inside, I buckle my seatbelt as promised and watch as he climbs in and does the same.

He starts the truck again with a look at me and smiles. Jack smiling is a gift by itself. When he does, his eyes light up, and as his mouth lifts in the corners, crinkles appear at the edges of his eyes. I love them, and the sight always makes my heart pound a little harder and my lips automatically lift to return the gesture. He turns back to stare out the windshield as he drives and I notice his dark hair is standing on end like he just ran his hands through it and that’s where the strands ended up. He has a nervous habit of doing that when he’s stressed and I can’t help but wonder what’s making him feel on edge. My face falls when I wonder if there’s trouble with his mom again.

“Are you okay?” Blake asks.

“Me?” I ask surprised. “Yeah, why?”

“You just looked sad for a minute. Your whole face seemed to change.”

“Oh. No. I’m fine,” I say forcing a smile.

“Thanks for coming with me.”

“Sure! But, what are we going to the store for?” I ask curiously.

“Actually, we’re going to make a quick run to the mall. I need your help picking something out for someone.”

“Alright,” I respond expecting he’ll tell me what we’re looking for exactly, but he doesn’t.

“How’s school been going lately? I haven’t really talked to you one on one in a while. I assume if anything was going on, Jack would have said, but I should still check in more often.”

“No, it’s ok. Everything is fine, there’s nothing to report,” I shrug. “I guess I’m pretty boring.”

He smirks, “There’s nothing boring about you, Si.”

My breath catches, but somehow I manage to say, “I can’t believe we’re already in the fourth quarter. It won’t be long and it will be summer break.”

“I’m so ready for that.”

“Why? School not going great for you?” I ask with clear doubt in my voice. “I mean, don’t get me wrong, I can’t wait for summer either. I guess I just figured our school’s wonder boy would be dreading the end.”

“Wonder boy?”

Smiling I shrug, “You heard correctly.”

He shakes his head looking amused, but then sobers. “School is fine, I guess. Things have just been… stressful… at home. I think it will be good when I can spend more time there and not have to worry about school.”

“Oh,” I stay quietly feeling bad knowing why he’s saying that. Hesitantly I ask, “What’s going on?”

He doesn’t answer right away. The silence is long enough to make me wonder if I made a mistake asking and he’s just going to pretend I didn’t. “My mom has been drinking a lot,” he confesses suddenly and I still. “It started casually. A glass of wine at home after a stressful day. A few drinks when she went out with friends after working all day. Eventually it became every day and more than one to ‘unwind’.”

“Oh man, I’m sorry. No wonder you’re feeling stressed.”

“Yeah,” he takes the opportunity while we’re stopped at a stoplight to run his hand through his hair. “It’s only a matter of time until she gets fired. She’s missed too many days and then showed up at work drunk a couple weeks ago. They called me and asked me to come get her. Mr. Kimble had empathy for her I guess because he didn’t toss her out for good that day but did tell her to get herself together, but I’m already expecting it’s coming.”

“That didn’t make her stop? Realizing that she’s going to lose her job?”

He laughs without humor, “No. It seems to have only made her drink more. I think I’ll have to get a job to help support us.”

“How are you going to do that, Blake? You have school. And when school is over, sports. And sports camps.”

“I’ll figure it out,” he shrugs. “She’s already the talk of town. I imagine someplace will take pity on me and give me a job knowing why I need one.”

“Sometimes I hate living in a small town.”

“Yeah,” he nods. “At least no one at school has said anything to me about it.”

“They wouldn’t dare,” I shake my head at the thought of someone being so stupid.

“Yeah, I suppose you’re right. I’d likely kick them in the teeth,” he laughs. “But sometimes I’m surprised one of the counselors haven’t taken me aside to make sure I’m ok…you know given that my dad’s gone.”

“Yeah, I get it,” I nod. “How’s Mandy doing with all of this,” I ask about his sister.

“She’s counting down the minutes until she graduates and,” he uses air quotes, “gets the hell out of this town. I can’t really blame her. She and my mom argue all the time. Mandy’s angry. Angry at my dad, angry at my mom. I get it. I just don’t see the point in acting out the way she does. How does that help?”

“I’m sorry,” I say again at a loss for what else I should say. “It has to be hard to watch.”

“It is,” he nods. “We tried you know? Every time she would bring bottles home, when we realized it was a problem, we’d dump them out. Hide them. Whatever we needed to do. It didn’t take long though before she would hide it too.”

“Oh no.”

“I read that it’s typical behavior. When we would dump it and get rid of it, she’d rant and rage at us. We thought for a time she was getting better, but eventually we just realized she was hiding vodka in her water bottles, in other liquids, I even found a bottle of tequila under the bathroom sink once. Fact is, if someone wants to do something, they’ll find a way. It doesn’t matter how much you try to stop it. I finally realized that I can’t make her stop. She has to decide that for herself.”

“That has to make you feel helpless.”

“It does. I just don’t understand why you would choose to live your life like that.”

I just nod, knowing I don’t have the words that can make any of it better. Instinctively I know that he just needs to talk to someone. I can’t really picture him venting all of this to Jack. I imagine their conversations center more around how many reps they did when they worked out, what they should eat and of course which girl’s ass is the nicest. They are guys after all.

“I hardly even recognize my mom anymore,” he confesses. “It’s sad. But sometimes, I get glimpses of her and I refuse to give up on her yet.”

“Do you have some family you can call to help? Does she have siblings? Your grandparents? You shouldn’t have to take all of this on yourself. And you know, a school counselor may be able to give some advice or point you in a direction where support would be available for you and Mandy.”

“There’s no one,” he says with such finality I don’t ask any questions or make suggestions. Instead, I sit in silence as we finally pull into the mall parking lot and Blake searches for a place to park.

Once we head inside, I finally ask, “So, spill it. What do you need my help buying? Is Mandy’s birthday coming up?”

He smiles and something about it looks shy, “No. It’s not for Mandy.”

“Then who?” I ask curiously. I know I’m not crazy when I see Blake’s cheeks flush with a little color. “Blake?” I ask again, the sight surprising. Who knew Blake could get embarrassed about anything?

“I… well…” he hesitates and I don’t know why, but the little hairs on my arms raise with goosebumps. “I need your help picking out a Valentine’s Day gift for… someone.”

My stomach drops and I instantly feel sick. Saliva gathers in my mouth and I swallow several times before I manage to utter, “Someone?”

“Yeah,” he replies.

“Who?” I ask and I know that one word was several octaves high.

He looks into my eyes, then looks away. “I don’t want to say…yet. I just want your honest unbiased opinion. Plus, I’m just no good at this kind of thing and I don’t want to screw it up. I want it to be… special.”

Yep. I’m going to throw up. My eyes dart around looking for a bathroom.

“I’ll tell you about her though.”

Somehow I manage to nod.

“I’ve known her… for a long time. One day, I just… I don’t know… saw her differently.”

My brows lower, “Differently?”

“Yeah, differently. You know, in the way guys like girls.”

“Well obviously, I guess I just mean, what changed?”

“I don’t really know. I never let my thoughts or emotions even go in that direction before. It wouldn’t have been right. But then, one day, it just slammed into me. I realized I like her, a lot. I think maybe I have for a while. I fought it though, really hard. I didn’t feel right about it.”

“How come?” I ask trying to sound casual when what I really want to do is scream at him demanding answers.

“Because being with her will make someone… well a few people maybe… very unhappy.” He looks in my eyes again, before looking away.

“I don’t understand.”

“I know Jack is one. He’s not going to be very happy with me.”

A small flame of hope ignites in my heart and my breath catches in my throat, but I push past it, afraid to let myself hope.

“Can you tell me something about her?” I ask him desperate for a sign. Any freaking sign.

He runs his hand through his hair, “Well, like I said, I’ve known her awhile, but she’s younger than me,” he pauses. “She loves animals, reading, and listening to music.”

I can’t help but think that these are all things that I like too. The flame inside of me flickers higher.

“What I think is really cool is that she’s totally like one of the guys sometimes.”

It takes everything inside of me not to scream my head off. It’s me. It has to be me. I mean, I hang out with him and Jack all the time. I have more books in my room than anything else, clearly I’m sporty and love taking care of all the animals on my farm. It’s me. How can it not be? Oh my god.

“She sounds… nice,” I manage to say casually like it’s just any other day and this is any other moment.

He smiles at me, meeting my eyes once more, before looking away again. He’s acting so shy and it’s adorable. Would turning to him and saying, ‘I like you too!’ be too much? What would he do? What will I do? Jump into his arms. Oh my god, what if he wants to kiss me? Does my breath smell okay? I blow into my hand and smell just to be sure.

“She is. So, you’ll help me?”

“Yeah,” I smile at him, the worry inside from before completely sated, excitement and wonder taking its place. “I’d be happy to.”

“Any ideas?”

I smile widely, “I’ve got a few.”

A couple hours later, Jack and I are back in his truck headed back to my place. A bright red gift bag sits between us and I can’t stop stealing glances at Blake, wondering how exactly he’s going to give me the gift I picked out - for myself. What will he say? How will he tell me it was me he was talking about the whole time? Will he talk to me privately? Give it to me at my locker?

When we pull up to my house, Blake parks and turns to me with a big smile, “Thank you, again. I know that she will love the gift you picked out,” he laughs softly and it just seems like he’s playing a fun game with me now.

“I’m sure she will. I know she will actually,” I confess.

“I enjoyed spending some one on one time with you, Sienna. Its been a while. I look forward to doing it again, soon.”

I can’t keep the wide smile from my face if I tried. “Me too.”

Hopping out of the truck, I close the door, give Blake a wave and go to the front door. I can’t help but look over my shoulder back at him to find him watching me. Turning away, I know I have to immediately figure out what I’m going to wear to school tomorrow, and of course call Vanessa to tell her everything that just happened so we can dissect every single word spoken.

The next morning, I’m nervous as I walk into school. I took the time to curl my hair and the curls falling down my back, combined with the extra time I took to apply a little more makeup that I usually wear make me feel pretty. Jack made fun of me when I walked out of my room this morning teasing me about it being Valentine’s Day and asking me if I think I’ll have anyone ask me if I’ll be their Valentine today. He laughed at himself like it was the funniest joke, but I’m not about to let him ruin today for me. He can keep his opinion to himself. I don’t care what he thinks about this.

When I get to my locker, I’m surprised Vanessa is there already, that girl is almost always late. “There you are,” she says when she sees me.

“Hey,” I tell her while I quickly place my bag into my locker once I get it open and then smooth my hands down my shirt. “What are you doing here already?”

“Miracles happen.”

I laugh, “Do I look okay?” I ask her, vulnerability clear in my voice.”

She stills and smiles at me, “You look great, Sienna. You always do.”

“Thanks, I’m nervous.”

“Sienna-”

“When do you think I’ll see him? Do you think he’ll take me aside? Give me the gift here at school? Maybe wait until afterward?”

“Sienna-”

“I mean, if he’s worried about Jack seeing, he may want to wait. Which will drive me crazy all day, but I understand.”

“Sienna,” she says more firmly and grabs my hand. “Listen to me.”

Really looking at her for the first time since I arrived, I see that she seems upset.

“What’s wrong?”

She hesitates and something inside of me twists sharply.

“Just tell me.”

“The gift isn’t for you.”

I look at her with clear confusion. There’s sadness in her eyes, she’s squeezing my hand and she looks nervous. I laugh, “What do you mean? How do you know? Of course-”

She looks over her shoulder, then back at me, “Look down the hall.”

Frowning, my eyes move away from her and down the hallway. There’s a small crowd of people and I’m not sure at first what’s got people’s attention, but then I realize it isn’t what - it’s whom.

Trying to look through the crowd to see what’s going on, it suddenly parts and I see what’s got everyone curious. Blake is standing there, and wrapped around him like an octopus in heat is none other than Hailey Spellman.

I wait. I wait for him to push her off. I look at Vanessa and again see the concern on her face. Looking back down the hall again, I shake my head as if doing so will make what I”m seeing go away.

“I don’t understand. Vanessa,” I plead as if she has all the answers. Instead I just repeat, “I don’t understand.”

“I got here early. I wanted to see Blake talk to you. I saw-” my eyes swing back to her and she hesitates for a moment before saying, “I saw him give her a red bag. I saw him give her the gift. I’m so sorry.”

“But, that can’t be right. He was talking about me. I’m sure of it. Wasn’t he?”

In a cruel twist of fate, Blake’s head turns in my direction and he makes eye contact with me. I watch as he says something to Hailey, and she nods letting go of him. Blake begins walking to me and since I can’t stop looking between the two of them in shock, I don’t miss Hailey’s eyes finding mine. I watch as she reaches up to her neck and tugs on the silver chain around her neck that I know has a small dainty silver heart hanging from it. Because I just helped Blake pick it out the day before.

“Oh my god,” I whisper quietly.

Hailey, well, she can probably see my feelings all over my face. Because she does something that if I didn’t already hate her, I surely would now.

She smirks at me.

Smirks. At. Me.

“What a bitch,” Vanessa says in defense of me and I almost laugh. Almost. But I’m sure it would sound hysterical and crazed.

Blake reaches me and it takes me a minute to realize he’s speaking, “So thank you.”

“Wh-what?” I ask in confusion. All I hear is a ringing in my ears.

Blake’s brows furrow, “I said, thank you for your help picking out the gift. Hailey loves it. And I know this is a surprise, I don’t want you to be mad about this. I know how you feel about Hailey, but she’s not as bad as you think, okay? We’ll talk soon, alright? I promise.”

He waits for me to answer and I manage a nod.

He smiles and begins walking back to Hailey. I feel Vanessa’s hand on my arm subtly offering comfort and I do my best to keep the burn behind my eyes at bay.

“Let’s go to the bathroom,” Vanessa whispers.

“Y-yes.” I nod and allow Vanessa to lead me away.

“Oh, hey, Sienna?” Blake calls out and I look over my shoulder. “Happy Valentine’s Day.”

He turns around and makes his way back to Hailey, puts his arm around her shoulders, and smiles at her.

He gives her my smile.

He gave her my necklace.

He gives her my heart.

Watching it, feels unbearable, and my heart breaks into a million tiny pieces.