Perfect Tragedy by Jennifer Miller

4

Sitting on Vanessa’s bed watching her curl her hair into waves down her back, I’m second guessing our plans this evening. I’m not sure why I let her talk me into things I’m not sure I want to do. Yes I do, because she’s more fun than I am.

“I don’t understand how you can even be questioning whether or not you should go,” she points the curling iron at me in irritation. “It’s not even a choice, really, because everyone’s going,” she tells me for the third time in less than an hour. “Everyone.”

And I tell her for the third time in less than an hour, “Just because everyone is going, doesn’t mean I have to.”

She doesn’t even try to hide her annoyance with me. I decided long ago she could win an Olympic medal in eye-rolling if they had one. The thought makes me smirk in amusement. “What would you do instead?”

I shrug my shoulders.

“I know what you would do. You’d sit in your room, sulk, maybe read something, but most likely you’d write your sad feelings in your diary.”

“Yeah, so? Maybe I would. I don’t know.”

“I do. It would be something like… dear diary, it’s another day in the life of my unrequited love obsession with Blake. Oh diary, why for art thou doth he not love me?” She places the curling iron down so she can put the back of her hand to her forehead for dramatic effect.

“Stop it. That doesn’t even make sense,” I laugh at her theatrics.

“Seriously, Sienna, stop questioning whether or not you’re going. You’re going. Best friends don’t let best friends miss parties like this. It’s my duty to make sure you’re there.”

“Your duty?”

“Yep,” she says with a whole lot of sass. “Now get over here, it’s your turn.”

With a sigh I get up and walk over to her and she immediately starts brushing my hair while still lecturing me, “It’s a few months until the end of the school year, and we deserve to let go and let loose for once. We’ve been working hard all year long.”

I mean, she’s not wrong about that. I’ve thrown myself into my studies because it’s prevented me from thinking about…other things.

“Plus, you look hot. Like capital H-O-T, hot. I couldn’t have picked a better outfit for you myself. You can’t back out now, why are you trying to?”

I mean, I guess she’s not wrong. I look at myself closely in the mirror while she separates my hair into sections before curling them. I took great care doing my makeup, in part because it’s something I love to do. My allowance usually goes to the latest must-have makeup product I read about and I’m acquiring quite the collection. I chose my new white jeans that fit me like a glove which I miraculously convinced my mom to buy for me. To go with them, I’m wearing a cute floral top found at one of my favorite boutiques when we went shopping out of town. It shows just a hint of my boobs and I know I look good. But whether or not I look good isn’t the problem. My heart just isn’t in this tonight.

And I know why.

Blake and Hailey.

It’s been a few months since Valentine’s Day officially became the stupidest holiday ever. And the reason for that is still going strong. Unfortunately. And I do everything I can to avoid them. It makes me sad. I miss my friend. Blake’s noticed the distance too. Whenever he’s at the house hanging out with Jack and I’m around, he makes a comment about how he never sees me anymore. Usually I just shrug, smile like I’m sorry, and make an excuse to be somewhere else. My excuses range from ‘I’m meeting up with Vanessa’, to ‘I have so much homework to do’, or ‘I’ve got a horrible headache and need to lay down’. I rarely have dinner with the family when he joins. I’m positive my mom knows that I’m struggling. She tried to bring it up once and I completely shut her down. She hasn’t tried to broach the subject since, but she gives me these I-know-what-you’re-doing eyes which I ignore.

Plain and simple, I don’t have the energy to fake it within me, so I avoid, avoid, avoid. I just don’t get it - he betrayed me. How can he be with a person that made my life hell? He was my friend first - does he not have any loyalty? Apparently if you have a pair of double d’s and there’s rumors that you know how to use your big lips, that’s all that matters.

Gross.

Finally, I decide to just say what I’m thinking, “You know why I don’t want to go, but if you need me to say it, fine. I’m pretty sure Blake and Hailey will be there and I don’t really want a front and center seat to the Blake and Hailey show.”

“I get it, Sienna,” I give her a how could you possibly understand look, but she shakes her head. “Stop. I do understand, but enough is enough. You don’t just stop living your own life because he’s choosing to hang out with someone you don’t like. The best way to get over him, is to get with someone else.”

“You make that sound so bad.”

“I’m not telling you to slut it up, I’m telling you to stop putting your own life on pause in the hopes that Blake comes to his senses. Fact is, he may never. You have guys that have asked you out repeatedly and you shut them all down. All I’m saying is maybe, I don’t know, say yes for once. Just go for it,” she shrugs, “What have you got to lose?”

“Nothing,” I admit. “Maybe you’re right.”

“You know I am. And you know what?” She pulls the final curl through the wand and turns it off and unplugs it before facing me.

“What?”

“Todd’s going to be there,” she says with a small smile.

Todd Masters.

He and I sit next to each other in chemistry class and the boy has been asking me out for weeks. One day, he whispered my name to get my attention even though we sit next to each other. I turned to him and he said, “Did you know that chemists do it on the table periodically?” He wagged his eyebrows up and down and it was so stupid and unexpected, I laughed. And every once in a while since, he has a new joke or one-liner for me. The most recent was, “Hey baby, I’ve got my ion you. Ion. I-O-N. Get it?” I laughed at his excitement and he winked at me. It’s stupid and cheesy, but he got my attention which I know was his objective.

He’s not a bad looking guy. Sandy brown hair, hazel eyes, a strong jaw and the body built to match his reputation as one of the top performing and most popular football players in our school. It’s obvious he spends a lot of time working out because he’s a show stopper.

His jokes morphed into him asking me if I was going to go watch the football game earlier in the year, to then straight out asking me to go so I could watch him. When the season was over he attended a few of my volleyball games and then he just flat out told me we should hang out some time. I mumbled sure, but never really took him up on it and he never pushed. But, as these things go, a girl named Amanda told Vanessa in Spanish class that she had heard from Rory in her public speaking class that Todd was heard telling someone that he likes me. Vanessa has been pushing me toward Todd ever since.

“I think it’s way past time you take a ride on that train, if you know what I mean,” Vanessa smiles wickedly and I can’t help it - I laugh.

“Why do you have to make it sound so dirty?”

She just shrugs and laughs it off, “Seriously, Sienna. Prom is just around the corner and I know you want a date. Let’s just go have fun okay?”

Well, she’s not wrong. I don’t want to be the only junior at prom without a date. She’s got a point, but nerves make my stomach feel jittery.

I guess that’s why a few hours later, I’m standing in the living room of Max Williams’ house drinking my third cup of some concoction a bunch of guys mixed together. They dubbed it “To the Max” after Max’s party and everyone has been downing glass after glass. All I know is it’s making me brave.

Really brave.

Brave enough that I’m literally standing here flirting with Todd like I have all the experience in the world at being flirtatious. I don’t. But apparently I’m doing it well because he’s hanging on every word I say.

“I don’t know if I really care where I go to college, as long as it’s not here. I just want to get out of this town, you know?” I answer him and then laugh and say, “Oops,” when I realize some of my drink sloshed over the side of my cup as I gestured.

“I want to go play ball. I don’t care where it is either as long as they want to give me a scholarship to play. I’ve already got interest from University of Montana and Montana State. I plan on going wherever I get the most money,” he says,

We’re sitting side by side on the long part of a lounge chair next to the pool. We’ve turned it so we can face everyone and are watching people’s antics as we talk. He’s just given me another drink that I’m taking gulps of in an attempt to drink as fast as possible because it doesn’t taste the greatest. He said it’s from a ‘special stash’. I don’t like it as much as the juice concoction I was drinking before.

The music is so loud, he’s leaning into my side and speaking into my ear to be heard. At times his lips brush against my ear and it sends tingles up and down my arms. Maybe I’m into this. My body seems to be more and more.

Across from the pool, Blake sits in a chair too. He’s surrounded by his friends, including my brother, and Hailey is all over him. Sometimes she dances in front of him, against him, or like now she sits on his lap draped over him like a blanket. Occasionally he makes eye contact with me, and it’s really awkward. He keeps looking from me to Todd and back. I’m avoiding him at all costs as per usual these days, but something about my conversation really seems to be interesting to him if I’m reading him correctly.

“How come you never come to parties?”

“How do you know I don’t?” I ask still being flirtatious.

“Because I pay attention.”

“Is that code for, you look for me?”

“I’ve kept an eye out for you,” he smiles.

“It’s not usually my scene I guess.” I find that I’m rather enjoying how I’m feeling right now. My stress and worries seem to have disappeared and my neck feels loose - like my head is floating above it. I could easily just let it fall back, close my eyes, and drift off.

A couple times when Todd has said something funny, I feel like maybe I’m laughing too loud, but if I am, he doesn’t seem to mind. I stop worrying about it.

“Why is it your scene tonight?”

“Vanessa made me,” I confess. “She says I’m due for some fun. Where even is she anyway?” I ask realizing I haven’t seen her in a while.

Todd’s eyes fill with mirth and he points. Following his finger, I see Vanessa pressed up against the wall of what I heard was the pool house. There’s a guy talking to her, and he’s standing very close. She must like it because she’s got a smile on her face and I see her laugh from here.

“Who’s she talking to?”

“T-bone,” Todd says, referring to one of his teammates. “Good for him. He’s liked her for a while.”

“He has?” I ask, eyes wide with surprise. I’ve never heard anything about it which is surprising considering people at school can’t keep anything quiet.

He nods and smiles and his eyes crinkle in the corners. I’ve never noticed that before - it’s cute. He leans toward me, “Can I tell you a secret?” He may think he’s whispering, but he’s not.

“Sure.”

“I know someone else who has a crush.”

“Oh well, do tell.”

“You have to do something for me first.”

“What’s that?”

“Tell me your plans for the summer.”

“Like… what I’m doing?” I ask taken off guard.

“Yeah.”

“Well, I’m hoping to get a summer job. I’m hoping to save for college.”

“What else?”

“Um, normal stuff I guess. Taking care of the animals on our farm. Hanging out with V.”

“Wrong answer,” he smirks.

“What do you mean?”

“The correct answer is that you’re going to hang out with me.”

“Is that right?”

“Yep. That’s right. Do you want to know why?”

“Sure, why not? Tell me.”

“Because you have a crush on me.”

“Excuse me?” I ask with a surprised laugh.

“It’s true,” he shrugs

“Is it?”

“Yep.”

“You sound awfully confident, especially when I didn’t even know that about myself.”

“I am. And I know why you do.”

“Well, why stop now? Please continue,” I smile enjoying our banter.

“It’s because of the sweet pick-up lines I’ve thrown at you all year.”

“Oh I see. And you think those were so great that I’m into you now?”

“Well, if not, you will be.”

“Yeah? How do you know that?”

He grins and before I can say another word, he leans toward me and puts his mouth on mine. For a moment, I’m taken off guard, surprised because I’ve never been kissed before. Before I can be insecure and worry if I’m doing this right, his tongue is in my mouth so all I can do is react. I meet his kiss move for move. His arm finds its way around my waist. I clutch one of his upper arms. I am clearly amazing at this. Go. Me. I slide my hand up to his shoulder and-

“Hey!” I holler when I suddenly find myself pulled away from Todd and am face to face with Blake. I wobble on my feet for a moment and he grips both of my arms, steadying me.

“What are you doing?” He asks me, eyes fierce and fiery.

“Excuse me?” I stumble over those two words, feeling confused.

“I asked what you’re doing?”

“Um, I’m pretty sure you don’t need me to spell it out for you,” I giggle because I’m also funny. I’m a good kisser, and I’m funny. Score! I’m clearly a catch.

“I think I should bring you home, Si,” he says softly.

“What?” I ask pulling away from his hold. “No.”

“Yes.” He reaches for me again. “You’re barely able to stand up straight. How much have you had to drink?”

I don’t know what sets me off. Maybe it’s the look on his face - like he’s disgusted with me. Maybe it’s because he’s acting like he has the right to be reprimanding me in front of others. Or maybe it’s because I was finally not thinking about him for once in… forever… and then he had to mess that up by forcing this interaction. Who in the hell does he think he is?

“What’s it to you?” I ask him angrily.

“Come on, I think you’ve had enough. It’s time to call it a night..”

“Really, Blake? Where do you get off telling me what to do? Jack isn’t even worried about me. Where even is-” I stop talking when I catch sight of my brother. He’s got a girl in his lap and he’s eating her face. That’s something I never, ever, ever needed to see. “Ew. Never mind. Could have gone my whole life without seeing that,” I say.

“It’s fine. I don’t mind taking care of you. Jack’s busy.”

“Well news flash, Blake. I don’t need you to take care of me, okay? How about that? Here’s an idea for you,” I point at his stupid girlfriend, “Go back and take care of Hailey. Like I said, I don’t need you. I am not your concern and none of this is your business.”

“Yes you are; come on, let’s get Vanessa and we’ll go-”

“No!” I say loudly. “I’m not your little sister. I can make my own choices. You aren’t responsible for me, okay? You have clearly shown that you don’t care about me or want me.”

“Sienna-” he says my name a look of shock on his face and it takes me a moment to even realize what I said. I’m spared any embarrassment by Todd’s interruption.

“You okay, Sienna?” He asks staring at Blake. Blake glares at him and I’m surprised Todd doesn’t back down because Blake’s look is harsh enough to stun anyone speechless.

Pulling away from Blake, I grab Todd’s arm, “I’m fine. Let’s go,” I drag Todd past Blake, ignoring his calling my name and move through the crowd. Before I know it, I’m no longer leading Todd, he’s leading me. We go down a hallway and take a right to another hall. How big is this house anyway? Eventually he opens a door, looks inside, then pulls me in when he finds it empty.

“It’s just you and me again,” he says.

I smile, my head feeling even more floaty after all that walking.

“Where were we?” He asks and I don’t even get a chance to reply before he’s kissing me again.

It feels nice.

His hands move up to my upper arms, and he grabs hold of them while his lips move against mine.

He clearly finds me attractive. He clearly wants me. He may not be my first choice - no - I’m not going there.

He moves me backward and I trip over my own feet. He steadies me and keeps me moving until the back of my legs hit a bed. He pushes me, and I fall backward. His face a blurry smile.

“I don’t feel so great,” I mumble.

“It’s okay. I’m going to make you feel better,” he says.

Blake’s body is on mine. Wait. No. Not Blake. Todd. Todd’s body is on mine. He’s kissing me again. Harder this time.

“Ouch,” I say and pull back when I feel his teeth bite my lip.

“You like that?” he asks.

Before I can tell him no, his body presses hard against mine. I’m pressed so firmly into the bed, I feel trapped underneath him.

His mouth moves from my mouth, to my neck. I feel his hand move down the front of me, over my breast, to the edge of my shirt before he dives under it and up, squeezing my breast hard.

His hips begin grinding against mine.

I feel like I can’t breathe.

The world feels fuzzy.

My reactions feel, slow; like I’m moving through oil.

“No,” I mumble.

“Yeah it feels good,” Todd says and squeezes me again. “I’m going to make you feel good.”

He fumbles with the button of my jeans, pulls the zipper down.

“No,” I manage to say again.

I can feel panic rising in my chest. Why can’t I tell him how I feel? Why do my arms and legs suddenly feel detached.

“Just lay there. That’s right. I’ll do all the work.”

“No!” I manage to yell and force my head to the side. I feel a sharp pain at my neck and tears come to my eyes. I think he bit me. “Stop,” I say again, loudly.

“Stop it, bitch. You’ve been playing hard to get for months. I know you want it. Stop playing.”

“Jack!” I yell helplessly for my brother. “Blake!” I try calling him too, desperate for help.

Someone.

Anyone.

I refuse to stop fighting. I try again to push him off.

“Stop! No!”

Suddenly, I feel empty space. A breeze feels like it slides over my body, as Todd disappears.

I hear, “What the fuck? Get off of her! She said, stop!”

“Blake?” I hear his voice. I know he’s there. The tears fall faster now. I can’t even sit up.

I hear grunts, flesh hitting flesh, more grunts, then silence.

“I’m here,” Blake says, “I’m here.” His hands frame my face, “Sienna?”

“I told him to stop,” I whisper. “Why can’t I move? What’s wrong with me?”

He doesn’t say a word, but I realize he’s straightening my shirt and my pants, then picks me up in his arms.

He carries me out of the room, through the house, and outside, all the while tears continue to fall. I feel stupid, confused and embarrassed. How did this get out of control so fast?

I hear the familiar beep of his truck as he disarms it and he somehow manages to open the door and place me inside.

“I’ll be right back.”

Fear grips me, and I manage to grab his arm, “Don’t leave me.”

“I’m not,” I can see his face clearly in front of mine. His eyes are soft, familiar, full of worry and… something, “Give me one second.”

He shuts the door. I hear his steps disappear, but it doesn’t seem like he’s gone long. I hear voices, it sounds like arguing because I hear anger. I can make out the murmur of Blake’s voice, but nothing clearly. Soon, he’s back in the truck.

“Here,” he has a bottle of water to my lips. “Drink some of this.” I comply. When I’m finished, he places the cap back on the bottle. He doesn’t start the car and I roll my head toward him. He’s sitting still, his breaths coming harshly. His hands grip the steering wheel and his head is bowed.

“Blake?”

“I just need a minute,” he murmurs. “God, Sienna, if I had been just a couple minutes longer…”

Shivers go up and down my spine. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” I feel horrible and feel like my words are coming out in slurs.

I know they made sense when he tells me, “Do not apologize. This isn’t your fault.”

“I drank too much.”

“Yes, but I also think Todd put something in your drink.”

“What do you mean?”

“Yeah, you drank a lot, but not so much that you should barely be able to move.”

Just the thought of drinking now makes me want to be sick.

He finally starts the truck and begins to drive in silence. It takes me a moment before I freak out, cry, and begin to stutter, “I-I-I c-can’t go home. M-m-mom and dad - spending night V-Vanessa.”

He knows what I’m saying.

“We are going to my house. Mom is working. I’ll get you home tomorrow. Now just relax if you can.”

When we get to his house, he turns off the truck and comes to my side. He helps me out of the truck and I try to pull away. His arm around me, his care and concern is making me feel things I know I shouldn’t even in my pathetic state. He’s just being kind - like a brother - always like a brother.

“I’m fine. I can walk now. I think the water helped.”

“No, I’m helping.”

“Actually, maybe you should just take me home. I-I’ll come up with some excuse. You don’t have to take care of me. Thank you for your help but-”

“Sienna, stop. You’re drunk, maybe drugged, I’ve got you.”

“Really, I’m-”

That’s as far as I get before projectile vomit gushes without warning. All over Blake’s shoes. All over the ground and all over myself. I feel much too horrible to feel embarrassed.

Without a word he helps me inside, takes me straight to the bathroom connected to his bedroom and eases me down to the toilet. He spends the rest of the evening holding my hair back, pressing cold compresses to the back of my neck, giving me sips of water. He alternates between whispering soothing words of comfort one moment, then promises to kick Todd’s ass and make him pay for what he did the next.

Eventually, I begin to feel better. Blake gives me a t-shirt of his to change into and leaves the bathroom while I peel my soiled clothes off of my body. Pulling the shirt over my head, I can’t help but draw the fabric to my nose and inhale his scent. Opening the door, I stand there a moment, feeling awkward. Blake’s immediately at my side, “Are you okay?”

I simply nod.

He pulls the blankets back on his bed, “Here, get in. Get some rest.”

I do as I’m told, too exhausted to do anything else. Blake pulls the covers over me and I watch as he lays down next to me, on top of the covers. He puts his arm over his eyes, and for a while I watch his chest rise and fall, the action relaxing me. I feel safe and I allow the security he provides, plus the scent of him that surrounds me, lull me to sleep.