At First Hate by K.A. Linde

Duke

April 6, 2010

The next morning dawned bright and early. I yawned, throwing my arm across my eyes to hide from the sun coming in from the window. I wasn’t ready to be alive today. My body ached in a way I’d never experienced. Every shift brought memories of his scratchy face against my chest and my legs shaking from exertion and the ache between my thighs. I’d have trouble walking for days, and I was looking forward to every memory.

I rolled over to say that much to Derek and found an empty bed. I blinked into the light, trying to clear my eyes. No Derek. That was weird.

I grabbed my phone off of the nightstand, having no recollection of how it had gotten there. There were no messages from Derek. I scrolled back a few days and the dozens of texts we’d sent back and forth. And yet there was nothing today?

I crawled out of bed and threw on shorts and a tank top and stumbled out of my bedroom. The lights were all off. Brinley was probably going to sleep until at least noon. I hadn’t even heard her come in last night. So, maybe she’d sleep in until noon elsewhere. But there was no Derek.

My stomach flipped. I stepped back into my room and looked around. All of his clothes were gone. There was nothing of him in my room except a few discarded condoms. I was going to be sick.

The rational side of my brain said that I needed to calm down. It could be nothing. He could have had an emergency. Or practice. Or something. I didn’t know what it could have been that he wouldn’t even tell me about, but fuck.

I jotted out a text to him, typing and deleting the words out of fear enough times before settling on something neutral.

Had a good time last night. Where’d you run off to?

I waited for him to respond. For the three dots to show up that said he was replying. But he never did. A whole hour passed and nothing.

Fuck.

My fingers shook as I realized what had happened. He’d gotten what he wanted from me… the one girl who always turned him down. I’d stopped being a challenge, and he’d bailed. What else could it be?

Finally, anger won. I dialed his number. I didn’t think he was going to answer anyway. But to my surprise, he picked up the phone.

“Hello?”

“Derek,” I said softly. Thinking about all the times I’d yelled his name out last night.

“Hey, Marley.”

“I, uh… just woke up. I thought you’d still be here. Did you go get breakfast?”

“Nah, I went home.”

His voice was different. It wasn’t the guy who had been here, worshipping my body last night. He was so closed off. I didn’t understand.

“Oh,” I said lamely. “Okay. I thought… I don’t know. I didn’t think you’d just ditch.”

He chuckled softly. “What did you think this was, Marley?”

I winced at the words. My stomach dipping at the way he’d said it. He was essentially asking me if I was an idiot. I wasn’t an idiot. I knew who he was. I’d just… thought he was different with me. Probably like every stupid girl before me.

“I don’t know,” I said honestly. I tried to reach for that hard girl who could laugh at his idiocy and bravado. But I wasn’t her right now. I was hurt. I was vulnerable. Two things I hated and never wanted to be again. Yet here I was.

“It was fun,” he said slowly.

“Stop,” I said, closing my eyes. “Just stop.”

Where had the guy from last night gone? What had I done? How had we ruined this so completely?

“Okay. I don’t know what to tell you.”

“Do you always self-sabotage like this? I thought we had something, Derek.”

“I’m leaving in a month,” he said evenly. “It’s not like we were going to date. You said yourself that I don’t do relationships. So, we had fun. It doesn’t have to be more than that.”

It didn’t have to be more than that, but it had been. I’d started to like him. I’d thought that I was different. How wrong I’d been.

“Sure,” I said icily, holding back tears. “Right. I get it.”

I hung up on him because if he said one more thing that broke my heart, I’d dissolve completely. I dropped down onto my bed and then immediately jumped back up. I yanked the comforter and sheets off of the bed until it was bare to the mattress and then curled them up into a ball. I’d have to wash it all before I could sleep in it again without smelling sex. The whole room was still perfumed with it.

I wouldn’t cry. I didn’t want to. Like an idiot, I kept checking my phone to see if I’d get a text from Derek that explained his behavior. But what did he have to explain? This was who he was. I had known that, and I’d slept with him last night anyway.

Tears came to my eyes, and I squeezed them shut to stop them. No. I would not let him take a part of me. After all these years of anger, I didn’t think that I could hate him any more. But no… I had been wrong. Because I hated him now more than ever.

I dialed Gran’s number without thinking. She answered on the first ring.

“Chickadee, congratulations! Gramps and I watched your national championship win last night.”

Then, I burst into tears.

“Oh, oh, sweetheart, what’s wrong?” she asked, so calm and concerned. “Are you okay?”

“I made a mistake,” I sobbed into the phone. “I made a huge mistake.”

“That’s okay. You’re allowed to make mistakes. Tell me what happened.”

I hiccupped. “I… remember that guy in high school that I kissed at the Halloween party? We had a big feud?”

“The Ballentine boy?”

“Yes. He goes to UNC, and we’ve had a bet the last couple months over the games.”

“I see,” she said uncertainly.

“And it got heated. Last night, we…” I swiped at my eyes to try to stop the tears. “We slept together.”

“Ah,” Gran said.

“And he bailed this morning without a word.”

“Have you spoken with him?”

“Yeah. He was a dick.”

“Language, Marley Sue.”

“He ghosted me and then treated me like I was the idiot for not realizing, Gran! He was a dick. I made a huge mistake. I never should have given in.”

“Okay, breathe. Just breathe. And listen to me. You didn’t make a mistake. You liked this young man?”

“Yes,” I whispered.

“And you believed he felt the same?”

I nodded. “Yes.”

“And you’re not pregnant?”

I laughed in horror. “No, Gran! I’m not pregnant. Oh my God!”

“There. Then, you’re okay. Your heart will hurt for what could have been, but it wasn’t a mistake. The only mistake made was on him walking away from my brilliant girl.”

I sniffled and let the tears dry up. “Thanks, Gran. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

We spoke for a few more minutes until I could carry on a conversation without crying more. I felt better and not better at all. All I knew was that I’d have to put Derek behind me. Nothing good could come from having feelings for him. I knew who he was. I wouldn’t soon forget it.