Always Us by Lizzie Morton
Eleven
Abby
A high-pitched giggle stirs me from my nap. I’d hoped that by going to sleep I might be able to block out the sound of Amanda giggling incessantly at every little thing Jake has to say. I was wrong.
Back in Brooklyn, everyone would say how nice she was, that she was good for Jake and they worked well together. I’m guessing that was before anyone had to spend any long spell of time with her and before she was desperate to win him back. It’s surprising what heartbreak will make you do and how it can change you and I empathize, knowing the pain Jake himself can cause and how she must be feeling. After all, I’ve experienced firsthand what a broken heart by his hands feels like. Still, it doesn’t change the fact she’s grating on my nerves and we’re only a few hours into a three-day journey.
“Can someone please tell her to shut up, or at least shove a sock in her mouth?” groans Sam from the corner of the booth where we hid away together from the rest of the group.
It’s been a failed attempt for the both of us to get some shut eye.
“I don’t think that would stop her.” Opening one eye, I find him smiling back at me.
“I could get used to this …” he murmurs.
“What?” I ask.
“Waking up to the sight of you.”
I swallow uncomfortably. It’s no secret he has some underlying feelings for me from years ago. Back in high school there was a time when we were more than friends, but we never quite became more. Every now and again, even though I’m one of his closest friends, he lets the mask he tries to keep firmly in place slip.
“What would your rock star think if he heard him saying things like that to you?”
The smile I had is stripped away, as I look up to find Jake towering over us, the expression on his face showing he’s unimpressed by what he heard Sam say.
“Whatever, Jake.” I say at the same time as Sam says, “Leave it man.”
The rest of the bus has conveniently gone quiet, blatantly trying to listen in to what is being said.
“No, really,” Jake continues. “You have a habit of playing more than one guy at a time, why change the habit of a lifetime?”
He’s trying to hurt me with his words, but I refuse to get into an argument for everyone on the bus to hear, I’m not a sideshow for everyone’s entertainment. I chooseto walk away before we can say anything else to each other, pushing past him angrily. The strength with which I shove him isn’t one hundred percent intentional, but there’s hardly any room, so it causes him to stumble back into the wall behind.
“What the hell?” he snaps after me.
I don’t hear him because all I can hear is the ringing in my ears caused by rage at what he’s said and insinuated, again. I’m trying to keep my cool and remember what Zach said earlier about him not meaning any of it, but it’s a struggle.
I storm over to Sophie and Zoe, who are sitting on a sofa pretending to watch a small TVscreen.
“Where’s the restroom?” Neither says a word. They simply point to a door towards the back of the bus. “Thanks,” I say curtly and head towards it.
I need space from everything and if the only place I can get some is in a restroom on a bus, then so be it. There’s no way I’m sitting with everyone while they look at me warily after what Jake said, it will make everything feel worse.
I shut the door behind me, sit down on the closed toilet seat and begin my deep breathing exercises. Immediately the anger starts to seep away, my heart rate following suit as it settles back to normal.
I’m not sure how long I sit alone but I savor the peace and quiet. I’d be insane if I thought I could have too much time to myself, so it doesn’t come as a shock when there is a cautious knock at the door.
“Who is it?” I ask loudly so whoever is on the other side of the door can hear.
They don’t reply, just knock again but firmer this time. It’s annoying. Who doesn’t understand when someone clearly needs space? Plus, it’s not like there’s not another restroom on here, why can’t they just leave me alone?
Rather than ignoring it I open the door, only to be faced with Jake.
“What now?” I snap. “Didn’t manage to get enough in before?”
He scowls and then pushes me back. Not so forcefully I would fall, but enough to move me back into the restroom before I realize what he’s doing. He walks in after me, shuts the door locks it.
“What are you doing?” I ask breathlessly.
I hate that just being close to him causes this reaction, but I’d be a fool if I thought I had any control over it, it’s always the same. It’s no wonder he assumes that he can say and do whatever he wants, and I will willingly follow like a lost puppy. Not this time.
Banging my fists against his chest firmly, I try not to think about how muscular and strong he feels under his black t-shirt.
“Seriously, Jake, you need to let me out.”
He doesn’t reply, just stares with such an intensity that any hope I had of keeping my cool begins to dissipate. I want to stay angry, but my body is having the opposite reaction. Needless to say, the breathing exercises I did were a complete waste.
Taking a small step towards me, he raises his hand slightly, waiting and trying to gauge what my reaction will be. He needn’t be worried as I’m already turning to a pile of mush that he can do whatever he pleases with.
In the few minutes we’ve been locked in here together, I’ve not worked up the courage to properly look him in the eye, scared of what I’ll see there. Finally, I swallow and lift my eyes from the floor, trailing my gaze up his body, before settling on his face. It physically hurts being so close to him and all the old feelings and memories resurface, along with the pain I’ve tried so hard to work past, but Jake doesn’t care. He doesn’t care how painful this is, being near him and not being able to touch him. He does whatever he wants and always will.
Rather than backing out of here like he should, he crouches down so we’re at eye level, brushing a piece of hair carefully out of my eyes.
“I’m sorry,” he says.
“You know, you wouldn’t have to keep saying sorry if you didn’t always act like such a dick to me,” I reply.
Any coldness that was lingering in his eyes disappears at my words and he smiles. His eyes crinkle at the sides, showing early signs of the years that have passed between us. I feel lost in those brown eyes, that no matter how much time goes by, always manage to draw me in.
He leans in towards me and he’s so near I could kiss him. His smell fills my senses, overloading my already overwhelmed body. We’re millimeters apart and all it would take would be one of us to move forward, just slightly to remove the last bit of space between us.
“Jake?” I barely whisper, not knowing what’s going through his head and where he’s about to take this.
“You’re mine Abby West. Don’t forget that.”
He turns and exits the small restroom, leaving me alone once again, to deal with the aftermath of his words.
***
We’re headed to Hradec Kralove in the Czech Republic, where the next festival is being held. The bus ride feels like a long slog. Three days is a lot of time to be in such a confined space, even with rest stops. The whole experience is tiring and at times, the atmosphere is oppressive. There isn’t much to do, apart from stare out the windows at the scenery as we pass by.
There’s air con, but it still feels stifling, which may have more to do with being around Jake twenty-four seven. After what happened in the restroom, I’m permanently a hot and sweaty mess. He’s got me riled up, being so close to him and there’s no relief. I try to avoid him at all costs which is almost impossible when we’re stuck in a tin can together, my best bet proves to be faking sleep but there’s only so long I can do that for. It’s not just about avoiding his watching eyes that don’t miss a move I make, it’s also about avoiding Amanda, and wherever Jake is, she follows closely by.
When we finally arrive, Zoe darts off the bus screaming ‘freedom’ at the top of her lungs. Sooz and Sophie follow, while I finish up packing a bag with my camera kit, which I’d pulled out to catch up on some work for the last couple of hours.
“Meet us later.”
I remove my gaze from my bag and find Jake sitting across the booth from me with a pleading look in his eyes. Oddly, Amanda is nowhere to be seen.
“Why should we? Do you not think it might be better if we just keep things professional?”
He sits and takes in what I’ve said. “Maybe we should, but when have we ever followed the rules? Come on, Abby. You and the girls should meet us out. We’re gonna go to a bar and chill out. We have a couple of days before the serious work kicks in, so why not have some fun?”
With excellent timing, my cell flashes on the table, alerting me to a message from Dan, who’s name reads clearly on the screen. I watch Jake stare down at it, his brow furrowed, but I can’t tell what it is he’s thinking. Unsure whether it’s because I actually really want to go, I just can’t say no to Jake, or because of the guilt of being caught out speaking with Dan, I find myself stupidly agreeing.
“Ok, we’ll come.”
I get a nod in return and then he moves out of the booth and back to the band, leaving me sitting, questioning, not for the first time in our relationship, what I’ve just agreed to.
***
A few hours later I’m making my way through the streets en route to the bar with the girls. As we’re all rather tired and quiet, Zoe takes it upon herself to offer some more of her insightful comments to Sooz, Sophie and myself.
“I feel like we’re in The Sound of Music,” she says.
“I think you’re a bit off with that one,” replies Sooz chuckling. “But I get what you’re saying. Some of the European architecture is similar and very—”
“Fucking weird,” says Zoe, cutting her off.
Sophie rolls her eyes before adding her own view. “You could also look at it with a completely fresh set of eyes and say that it’s beautiful, unlike anything you’ve ever seen before.”
She looks around dreamily. Some of the places we’re visiting are Sophie’sidea of heaven. She’s a sucker for a happily ever after and these places scream excitement and romance.
“I think I’ll stick with weird,” disagrees Zoe.
I know what she means, but secretly I’m also besotted with the place where we’re staying for this leg of the tour. We’re making our way towards a large, busy square. It’s lined with tall buildings which are a mix of white and multicolored, topped with red roofs and each is lit up against the slowly darkening summer night sky, creating a magical feel. The cobbled street full of people bustling around adds to the olde world feel.
“Where are we anyway?” asks Zoe, breaking up my daydreaming.
Sooz, who’s been engrossed in another of her trusty tourist guides, looks up to answer. “We’re apparently in the smoke district.”
Zoe frowns. “It doesn’t look very smokey to me.”
“That’s because it gets its name from the bars. They’re all shisha bars.”
Sophie and Zoe’s eyes light up at the same time in delight.
“Now we’re talking!” shrieks Zoe, jumping on Sooz, giddy like a kid on Christmas morning.
“I thought you’d get excited by that.” Sooz shakes her head, amused by Zoe’s over the top reaction. After the tense bus journey that we’ve all been through, she’s ready to let go and enjoy herself as much as the rest of us. She directs us to a corner of the large square where there is a buzz of activity, and not very surprisingly, smoke. “The bar where the guys are should be just over here.”
It takes a while for our eyes to adjust when we first enter the bar. The smoke district lives up to its name. The room is relatively large, with an arched roof, exposed brick walls and a bar lit up to one side. Rock music fills the room and an eclectic crowd sit at the tables, laughing, joking, drinking, and indulging in shishas. With the mix of alcohol and heat, there’s a sexy atmosphere.
I wish Shaun were here. He’d love to see a place like this and get inspiration for Riffs, his bar back in Brooklyn, but he won’t be with us until later in the tour. I opt for taking a few snaps on my cell, making a mental note to show him when he arrives.
“Where are the guys?” I ask close to Sooz’s ear, so she can hear over the noise.
“They should be here somewhere. This is the place they texted to meet. Let’s grab drinks first, we can find them after.”
I couldn’t agree more and the pull of a large, refreshing drink has never been stronger. We make it through the crowd, near to the bar where Zoe expertly pushes her way to the front. We should be concerned she’s the one ordering, as her choices are always ones whichwe regret the next day, but tonight none of us care. I need something strong to loosen the tension that has built up in the days following my encounter with Jake in the restroom.
After not too long, she comes towards us with a huge tray full of cocktails, beers and shots. As she approaches says, “And these, are all for us.” We all look at them nervously as she has an evil glint in her eyes. “Bottoms up, ladies. There’s no work tomorrow so let’s make this a night to remember, or not … if you catch my drift.”
Sophie leads, grabbing a shot and knocking it back, then encourages Sooz and I to do the same. It burns my throat, and I can feel it make its way down to my stomach. Instantly it creates a warm buzz in every part of my body. We all grab the remaining drinks so Zoe can discard the tray, then make our way through the bar looking for the guys.
“Over here!”
We turn and find Sam with the rest of the band in a corner, surrounded by a group of girls who are all tall, blonde, and leggy.
“Who are they?” groans Zoe, voicing what we were all thinking ourselves.
“Who cares,” says Sooz. “Girls’ night, remember.”
She turns, raising her glass for us all to toast in defiance, then knocks back the larger one of her drinks. If the night continues this way, it will only be an hour before one of us is being carried out, and for once, I have a feeling it won’t be me doing the carrying.
“Slow down, Abby bear,” says Sam. “We all know what you get like when you’re on one.”
I scowl at his comment to show I don’t appreciate it, then reluctantly head over to greet him properly.
“Hardy har, Sam. Carry on and it will be you who gets my drunken wrath.” He throws his head back laughing, before grabbing me and pulling me onto his lap.
I don’t miss that Zach shakes his head with a small smile tugging at his lips. He knows this is the sort of thing that will rile Jake up the wrong way. I look over and find him staring at us, his face devoid of all emotion. Rather than making a remark about Sam’s behavior towards me, he grabs the first blonde within reach, tugging her down into his own lap, then begins whispering in her ear. All the while he never takes his eyes away from mine. Although I’m getting irritated at his behavior, I try to keep my face complacent, knowing it’s a game and he’s trying to provoke me.
“He bites every time,” sniggers Sam, going in to nuzzle my neck playfully.
“You’re doing this on purpose.” I manage to pull my eyes away from Jake’s and look at him properly.
“Somebody’s got to have some fun around here. Plus, it does have its perks.” He gives a cheeky wink which in turn earns him a gentle punch to the arm in warning.
“Be careful, Sam. There’s having fun and then there’s poking the bear with a stick.”
“But what if deep down the bear likes being poked?”
I shake my head. “You’re ridiculous sometimes, you know that?”
“And you wouldn’t have me any other way. I’ve missed you, Abs.”
“I missed you too, Sammy.”
I snuggle into his side, loving how protected by him I feel. It’s wrong for me to do it and all it will do is provoke a reaction from Jake, but he’s playing his own games and right now, I just want to feel comforted by one of my best friends.
A couple of hours go by and we all carry on drinking, thankfully at a much slower pace. Still, the amount we consume is more than enough to create a good vibe, and even Jake seems to relax, something I didn’t think would ever be possible. Zoe also gets her own way when the whole group indulge in a couple of shishas. As the night carries on, the whole bar becomes alive, and a DJ sets up near to where there is a small dancefloor in the center of the room.
“We’re dancing!” shouts Sophie, dragging me into the middle of the crowd that’s quickly gathered.
The beat is slow and sensual, and soon we’ve unintentionally paired off with some random guys around us. I’d never normally do anything like this but think to myself what the hell, especially after how Jake has been acting with other women right in front of me.
As the music continues to pump and the alcohol courses through my veins, I sway close to my dance partner. It’s not long before his hands inevitably begin to wander up and down my body and I choose not to complain or push him away, too worked up from being around Jake. It feels good to be wanted and whoever he is, he’s there to serve a purpose.
Just as I begin to get lost in the moment, I’m hastily brought out of it, when a strong pair of hands grab hold of my waist and tug me away from my dance partner. It all happens so quickly that I feel disorientated, and the room sways slightly at the abrupt movement. The owner of the hands has a firm grip on my waist, pushing me through the bar to a dark corridor. I should protest and refuse to go where they’re taking me. This could be a perfect stranger, but deep down I know it’s not, because this is the reaction I was subconsciously trying to provoke.
They curse as they move through a set of doors and then begin frantically rattling the handles of others, searching for one that will open. I continue swaying to the music which carries down the corridor where we’re standing, in my own world. Eventually a door opens, and I’m shoved into a small, dark space. A dim light flickers on overhead, creating a dull light, but enough that when I turn around, I’m able to make out Jake’s features clearly.
My instinct was right.
“What the fuck are you doing, Abby?” His stern words bring me out of my drunken haze, sobering me slightly.
Straight away I’m irritated by how he’s speaking to me. “What do you mean?”
He shakes his head angrily. “You know what I mean, don’t play dumb. Throwing yourself at every guy who comes within a meter radius. First Sam, then some random guy you don’t know. Then coming back here when you didn’t even know who it was with.”
“It’s called having fun, Jake. You should try it sometime. Oh, and FYI, I knew it was you.”
“There’s fun and then there’s acting like a slut.”
I’m fuming that he’s insinuating this again. It’s his go-to attack and I know it is, but it doesn’t stop it hurting. I refuse to back down and cower at his feet, so I stand with my head raised defiantly.
“I can be as slutty as I like, Jake. I’m single remember?” I say, calling his bluff. “I can do whatever the hell I like, and I don’t have to answer to anyone.”
Thanks to the limited space, we’re pressed up against each other and I can feel each rise and fall of his chest as he struggles to contain his anger.
“No, Abby. You can’t.”
I stare back, challenging him. “And why is that?”
“Because you’re mine.”
My brain doesn’t get a chance to catch up. Suddenly he’s everywhere, closing what little space there was left between us and pushing me back up against the wall behind, before his lips come crashing down on my own.
The kiss is frantic, and he devours every part of me. All I can do is sigh in return, savoring how good it feels to have his lips on mine. It’s been two years since we’ve been together like this, but it feels like no time has passed at all, it feels so familiar and so right.
We don’t need to say anything, we both know what it is we want. We’re past pussy footing around each other which is why I don’t protest when he lifts me in the air, pressing me against the wall where he anchors me with his hips, as his hands slide my dress up around my waist.
I moan in satisfaction as he carries on kissing me, moving down to my neck, sucking gently, causing me to thrust my hips into his greedily. He groans back his own satisfaction and I can feel how much he wants me. He’s rock hard and full of pent-up frustration from us being so close to each other for the past couple of weeks, without being able to do anything about it. There’s been no relief from any of the tension. I know how he’s feeling because I feel the same. We’re in sync, absorbed in each other’s pain.
It’s not long before the kiss is out of control. I continue moaning at how good it feels to be in his arms, and don’t complain or protest when he manages to unzip his jeans and push my pants to the side. I also don’t complain when he thrusts inside me at a relentless pace, tipping me over the edge faster than anyone ever has, following with his own release. I would never complain about anything, when it’s with Jake, because he’s everything I need, and he makes everything seem right.
It’s different than the first time we had sex in Brooklyn. It’s hard and fast, we don’t have much time, whereas last time we had all the time in the world. Or so we thought.
Eventually, he pulls out and there’s a tug in my gut at the loss of closeness and contact with him, even though the sexually charged energy still lingers in the room. I feel awkward, as we’ve barely spoken on the tour and most certainly haven’t spoken tonight apart from our blazing row. Yet here we are, literally screwing the frustration out of each other.
Jake pulls his pants back up. The noise of his zipper closing makes the reality of what we’ve done seem even harsher. At the same time, I pull my dress down, uncertain what to do or say next. I decide to look up into his beautiful, sweat covered face. Wrong move.
It unsettles me and tugs at strings I don’t want pulled when he smiles back. This was sex and nothing more. There is no room in my life for Jake, but if he keeps looking at me the way he is, then the walls that only he knows how to bring down will start to crumble. He’s done it before and will do it again if I allow him.
I swallow and say, “So, that’s what a hate fuck is like …”
The words do exactly as I intended. The smile on his face disappears and his big brown eyes become cold and distant. I expect him to biteback and react in anger, but oddly he doesn’t.
He simply replies, “It would never be a hate fuck with you, Abs, because I could never hate you.”
I try to avoid all eye contact with him, looking back down at the ground. He places his hand under my chin and lifts it, so I look directly into his eyes. Guilt eats away as I remember Dan, the Rock God who’s waiting to see me again. Yet here I am in another messy scenario, with the ex who just won’t stay an ex.
I shake my head sadly and say, “We shouldn’t have done this. I might have finally met someone, and here you are pushing your way back in. You don’t get to do this, Jake. It’s not fair. How am I supposed to move on with my life?”
“Maybe you’re not meant to.”
“Why?”
“Remember in Brooklyn when I told you it was always you … I was wrong.”
“How does that make this situation any clearer?”
“Because, Abs, it’s not always you, it’s always us. Remember that when you’re with him. Remember how it feels to have me inside you, remember how good it feels just us being around each other. It doesn’t matter how far or who you run to. It doesn’t matter how much time passes. You will always be mine and I will always be yours. There will always be an us.”
Stepping back, as if to prove a point, he unlocks the door and walks out the room without saying another word. It takes a while for me to come back down to earth and eventually I find my way to the girls’ restroom to clean away any evidence of what we just did.
His words constantly run through my mind and I can’t help but wonder to myself, is he right? Will it always come back to me and him, no matter how hard I try? No matter where I search, is the answer always us?
