Always Us by Lizzie Morton
Nine
Abby
We manage to get through the interviews and photoshoot while maintaining a professional appearance, just. For most, that wouldn’t be something to celebrate but after the shit show that’s been going down, we all deserve a medal for making it through in one piece.
The band’s set is also relatively uneventful. I spend the time with my camera, clicking away, trying to concentrate on doing my job and choosing not to focus at all on Jake and what’s happened. If I waiver and let my focus slip even for just a second, I know my resolve will crumble.
That’s the thing about the two of us together, we can bring out the best in each other, but we can also bring out the worst. There’s a part of me which hates him, hates how he makes me feel and how he draws me in after everything that’s happened. But mostly, I hate that he couldn’t give me the one thing I needed: to have faith in our relationship and its ability to survive whatever life threw at us. He didn’t trust in us, in me, enough to believe that whatever he had to tell me, it wouldn’t change how I felt about him.
But as much as we’re not good for each other, there’s a pull between us I can’t deny. Even when he talks and treats me like he has since we arrived on the tour, I can’t make myself fully believe that I need to stay away from him, and that scares the shit out of me. It’s why I’m using every ounce of strength I have inside to keep my distance and stay focused on the job in hand: I need the distraction.
When their set wraps up, they move backstage to get changed and ready to head to the meet and greet area to sign autographs with fans. I’m scheduled to shoot some of the meet and greets throughout the tour, but not today, which works out perfectly as I receive a message on my cell from Dan, asking me to confirm that we can still meet up.
There’s roughly an hour until I meet him and already the butterflies are fluttering in my stomach in anticipation of the night ahead. As we don’t have anything else scheduled work wise before we move on to the next tour location, tonight, anything goes.
“Iiiit’s party time,” hollers Zoe, echoing my own thoughts.
“Too right,” says Sooz, reappearing without me, Sophie or Zoe noticing. “I don’t know how we’ve pulled it off with everything going down, but there has been some good feedback.”
She looks relieved. The tension caused by my history with Jake has already caused her enough stress and the summer has only just begun.
“I love it when you’re not being uptight,” says Zoe and laughs, throwing an arm around her shoulders. “Now show me where the free drinks are.”
They walk ahead, leaving me and Sophie to follow. Since the tour began, something has seemed off with her, she seems lost and not her usual, wild self. Thanks to work and other drama, I’ve barely had time to ask if anything is wrong. There’s no time like the present and seeing as though we’re alone and I don’t know when we will get another opportunity to speak just the two of us, I jump at the opportunity.
“Soph, is everything okay?” I ask.
She startles, as if she’s been in a world of her own. “Sorry. Yeah of course it is, why?”
“It’s just … you seem kind of distracted. Not yourself.”
We’ve known each other our whole lives which does have its drawbacks, one being that we can’t hide anything from each other. Sophie can’t hide the sadness that transforms her face at my question,
“I don’t know. I think I’m okay … I’m just not sure.”
“Want to talk about it?”
“It’s nothing really. I just feel a little lost at the moment. I’ve spent the past few years bumbling around and this summer it’s hit me. I’m twenty-six, don’t have a steady job, or boyfriend. I don’t have a clue what I’m doing, and nobody seems to care.”
My voice goes a pitch higher when I say, “I care, don’t be ridiculous.”
She chuckles. “Of course, I know you do silly, but you’re on the other side of the world. I mean outside our bubble. Especially being with Zoe so much, I feel like sometimes my time is so consumed by her and everything we get up to, that I’ve not really found myself.”
I nod. “I get it.”
And I do. Even though I’ve got my dream career and a life most would envy, it’s hard not to notice old friends from high school on social media, beginning to settle down and start families. We’re at a point in our lives where we’re expected to enjoy everything life has to offer and make something of ourselves, but at the same time settle down and set roots. It’s all a bit contradictory if you ask me, but I can imagine for someone like Sophie who’s never had a steady job, relying on her parents’ money to support her, that it feels even worse.
“I’ll be ok. I just feel like after this summer I need to get my shit together. I don’t know how, but I need to do something. It feels like time is slipping away from me.”
“Well, like you said to me when I came back to Brooklyn feeling lost, let’s make this the best summer ever. How many opportunities will you get to do something like this? Not many, so seize the day and worry about that stuff when you’re back home as we can’t do much about it right now, can we?”
I hope I sound reassuring. I don’t feel like I sound convincing, as some of the things she’s said have hit a nerve and played on my own insecurities about life.
“You’re right.” She smiles this time, which is better than no progress at all.
“Of course, I’m right.”
We’ve made our way to the VIP bar where Zoe hands over some dubious looking cocktails claiming they’re free and we have to drink them. Thankfully, I don’t see Amanda and the other girls anywhere. We could do without any more drama for the night.
Zoe returns to whatever conversation she was having with Sooz, and after taking a couple of sips of our drinks, wincing at how strong they are, Sophie and I carry on with our own conversation.
“Have you heard anymore from that guy?” asks Sophie.
“His name’s Dan,” I reply with a frown. Her head really must be up her ass. She would never normally forget minor details like his name, she’s the queen of gossip.
“Yeah, Dan. So, when are we meeting him?”
“In less than an hour which gives us enough time to have a couple of drinks and let our hair down.”
“Where are we meeting him?”
“The Triangle stage. He was a bit cryptic and didn’t give an exact location, just said I’d be able to find him.”
“Weird,” she frowns.
“Totally,” I agree.
It’s odd because last night he didn’t give off any sketchy vibes. He seemed cool, drama free and dare I say it, normal. But there’s still the feeling lurking that I’ve already met him, that I know him somehow, which is ridiculous as I’m sure I’d remember clearly if we’d seen each other before.
Shaking away the feelings of doubt, I get back to my drink. Sophie and I avoid any further conversations about Dan, or her life dilemmas, opting to enjoy ourselves and get excited for the night ahead. We join Zoe and Sooz, who have knocked their drinks back already and ordered another round for us all. They force us to catch up and I quickly begin to feel giddy as the alcohol courses through my veins. I’m too buzzed to even notice the band has joined us for a while. But when I do, my eyes trail round the tent, searching for Jake.
“He’s not here,” says a familiar voice, close to my ear.
I turn and look up into Sam’s face, relishing at how comforting it feels having him near again. Nuremberg wasn’t what I would define as a warm welcome and the summer hasn’t gone to plan so far. I hate that we haven’t had a chance to clear the air after I left Brooklyn so abruptly.
“Am I that obvious?” I ask.
I hate that everyone can read the situation with me and Jake so clearly, clearer than the two of us can ourselves.
“Only to those who know …”
“The whole group then,” I say with a slight huff.
“Give yourself a break, it wasn’t an easy choice to make. I have full respect for you.”
“Thanks.”
I’m uncertain how genuine he’s being and still can’t read the situation, whether he forgives me for leaving like I did. We’d gotten close the summer I returned. It was almost like we were back in high school. But then there was the revelation from his brother Shaun that he was still harboring old feelings towards me and needless to say, I’d understand if he was upset that I left without saying goodbye.
“Do the others hate me?” I ask.
I’m annoyed at myself for caring so much. New Abby doesn’t care what people think. She bosses through life, not giving a shit, but I can feel all that unravelling just being around my old friends.
“Of course, they don’t.” Throwing an arm around my shoulders, he pulls me into his side. “If anything, they should be thanking you. After you left, Jake put everything into the band and his focus was amazing.”
I don’t miss the fact he’s speaking in past tense.
“Was?”
He looks unsure whether to continue, but then after a few moments, shakes his head as if whatever internal battle he had going on has passed.
“Let’s just say, for a while he’s been a bit lost and the band hasn’t been all that important to him.”
“Why’s that?” I don’t want to be intrigued, but I am.
“That’s a conversation you should save to have with Jake.”
I roll my eyes. “Aaaand we’re back to being cryptic.”
“There’s some things the two of you need to discuss between yourselves. Remember what last time was like when things kept going between everyone? It got messy. Sometimes it’s best to hear it straight from the horse’s mouth.”
“I guess you’re right.”
He smirks. “I’m always right.”
“Are we good Sam?” I ask, wanting to change the subject away from Jake.
“We’re always good, Abby bear. I shouldn’t have said what I did back in Nuremberg, I didn’t mean it. I get why you left, next time, at least say goodbye though.”
I try to swallow down the lump in my throat, before replying, “I will. Where is he anyway?” My eyes flit around searching for Jake.
“No idea. He said he’d catch up with us in a bit. You know what he can be like.”
Suspicious feelings creep in, as I imagine the different scenarios where he might be. Meeting with groupies in quiet locations to do God knows what, or even meeting with Amanda. My mind goes back to the way she said, ‘he’s mine’. Does that mean they’re together again? The possibility causes jealousy to rise which I attempt to dampen down by centering my attention on the fact I’m about to meet up with the gorgeous guy I met last night.
We knock back our drinks and make our way to The Triangle stage where Dan asked me to meet him. It’s a bigger stage than the band performed on, being one down from the headliner, meaning the band about to come on are huge. We’re all buzzing with excitement, having been so focused on work, but between all of us, we still don’t know who the band is.
Thanks to the guys, we manage to push our way towards the front of the huge crowd, with drinks in hand to keep us going. The whole time we’re moving, I constantly scan the crowd looking for any sign of Dan, but he isn’t anywhere to be found. Huffing to myself, I accept that there’s no way I’m going to be able to find him in this crowd. At least I have his number and can message him later, when there might be the possibility of meeting somewhere quieter.
The stage is suddenly plunged into darkness and the crowd goes quiet, brimming with anticipation. A countdown clock begins on the backscreen and the crowd goes wild, chanting, while Zoe and Sophie stand close by me squealing.
“I wonder who it is?” shouts Zoe over the noise.
Really, it doesn’t matter, the atmosphere is infectious and whatever the group, I know we’re going to have the best night. As the counter gets closer to one, I manage to grasp the band name that the crowd is chanting over and over. The penny drops at the same moment the lights on stage come on, full blare, illuminating the band in the center.
My stomach flips and I stop jumping. All I’m capable of doing is standing and staring in complete shock.
“What’s wrong?” asks Zoe, bewildered.
I try to reply but I’m in disbelief, struggling to accept that who I’m seeing on stage, is part of one of the biggest rock bands in the world.
“Holy shit, it’s him,” I reply, still gawping.
Sophie and Zoe look back and forth between me and the stage.
“What’s who?” they ask simultaneously.
“Dan White ...” Their eyes follow mine, to the singer on stage, whose voice rings out above the roaring crowd. “Dan White. It’s my Dan.”
