Always Us by Lizzie Morton
Twelve
Jake
I’ve never known what I’m doing when it comes to Abby. She worked her way under my skin back in high school and I’ve not been able to get shut since.
The first time she left, there was the odd girl and then Amanda, because I’m a guy and I’ve got needs. The second time she left, I went on a bit of a bender. Let’s call it a fuck Abby West rebellion. In all honesty, things were ropey for a while there. I’m lucky I didn’t wind up with a kid, and if I had, I’d stand even less of a chance winning her back than I do now.
Luckily, Sam and Zach convinced me to pull my head out of my ass and move on with my life, like she had. But that’s the thing, I couldn’t move on. I went through the motions, put on a good show, but never committed to anything. I was just about managing to get by. Then one day, it was like a switch flicked and everything stopped working completely. I began missing practice sessions with the band, turned up late to meetings, refused to answer any calls from the guys outside of work and went back to spending each night in a different woman’s bed. It was like I was living in a nightmare, one where all I could focus on was her, and how my life didn’t seem to fit right without her.
It was around six months ago when Sam picked me up at Riffs, wasted beyond belief and hegave me the hard word. I never thought I’d be locked in someone’s room for a week, but that’s what he did. Cut off my alcohol supply and left me to go cold turkey. It was the wakeup call I needed and that’s when my dry spell began. I’ve not been able to look at another woman since.
It’s also where I came up with the plan to get her on the tour with us. I wanted the chance to mess with her, uproot her life like she did to me. I might have been a bit of a dick to her in the beginning, but it was nothing compared to what I originally had in mind. I should have known as soon as I saw her that all bets would be off. The plan, of what little there was, went out the window.
Watching her give love eyes to Dan White the other night set off a chain of events with an inevitable outcome, because when it comes to her, I have no control. So, what did I do? I forced my hand, because it will tear me apart if she falls for that guy. If she chooses him over me.
She’s had it easy so far and been able to avoid me, so I made myself un-fucking-avoidable. I knew what I was doing when I rang the girl’s boss, Ange, and played the fame card, demanding she make it that they had to be on the tour bus with us. I didn’t want there to be any escape, I want to be there every single day until she faces up to how she feels about me, until she stops hiding from it. Sooz went nuclear when she found out what I’d done but promised she wouldn’t tell Abby the truth.
I’m not the same sweet guy she met back in high school, the one that would do what people wanted. I’m not the people pleaser or the one who cowers to what his family wants. I make my own rules and play my own games and that includes with anything involving Abby.
What I didn’t expect in all of this, were my feelings to come back full force. That day in the restroom was like a sucker punch to the gut, being so close I could inhale her scent again. Watching her nervously bite down on those full pink lips, bat her eyelashes and stare at me with those giant blue eyes. I was a goner, but I’ll be damned if she’s the one in control, not this time.
This time I’m the one calling the shots and dictating how the game is played, not her. Forget nice, we’ve played nice in the past and it hasn’t gotten us anywhere. Maybe that’s why I did what I did. Last time I was a fool for everything she did and said. Naively I figured she was the same girl I loved as a teenager. Not a stronger, ruthless version, capable of pummeling that beating organ in my chest to a pulp.
Then there was tonight, which I didn’t expect. Something took over me, I saw her dancing with that guy and lost it. Instinct took over and next thing I know, I’m pissing all over what’s mine. I don’t want to say I fucked her. With me and Abby, it would never just be fucking. It might make me sound like a pansy, but with her it’s something more, something deeper. Hearing her describe it as a hate fuck made me feel nauseous and it makes me nervous how all this is going to pan out if that’s the way she sees things between us.
Maybe I’m not ready to fully commit to how I’m feeling, I know she’s not, she’s the one cowering away. One thing is true though, and that’s what I said to her in that little room tonight. There is always us. I walked away before I started rambling even more and blurted out in the moment that I’m still in love with her. It might be true, but it’s not the right time to tell her yet, I’m not ready to put everything on the line when she’s such a flight risk.
She needs one thing from me and maybe I can give it to her, but she needs to prove that risking everything with her is worth it. She needs to prove that this time, if she doesn’t like what she hears, she isn’t going to just up and walk away.
I know from firsthand experience that it doesn’t matter how far apart we are or for how long. It doesn’t matter how much we deny it and try to get our fill in other people. Nothing will ever change that it is always us.
I just don’t know how many times I can come back from losing her, and whether it’s a chance I’m ready to take.
***
Abby
What on Earth is that God forsaken noise and why won’t it stop? I don’t remember setting my alarm last night, but whatever the offending noise is, it’s not going away unless I pay it some attention. Finding the strength to roll over in what I’m praying is my own bed, I search for my cell. One hand fumbles around as both eyes stay firmly shut, when eventually I find it on the bedside table where I vaguely remember placing it when we got back last night. This brings hope that I am in fact, in my own designated bed after last night and not some strangers, or even worse, Jake’s.
With that snippet of hope, I open one eye, gradually taking in my surroundings and relief floods over me when my eyes land on the messy blonde lump sprawled out next to me that resembles some form of Sooz.
“What is that noise?” she whimpers, stirring slightly. “Please make it stop.”
I’ve still to find out why my cell is making the awful noise and when I look at it, see it’s flashing with a reminder to take my birth control pill. On shaky legs, I make my way over to my bag, quickly managing to find and swallow it down. Now, my main agenda is getting back into bed because man does my head hurt.
“I feel like crap,” mutters Sooz, having still not moved from her spot on the bed.
“You’re not the only one,” I reply.
The longer my eyes are open, the more my head pounds and the hangover from hell creeps in. I can already feel my stomach beginning to twist and turn, threatening to bring up the contents of what could possibly have been the entire bar I consumed last night.
There’s a knock on the bedroom door and I groan at the thought of having to move again, before remembering we have adjoining rooms with Sophie and Zoe, so they can let themselves in without me having to move a muscle.
“Come in.” My voice doesn’t want to work but I manage to shout loud enough for them to hear.
The door opens and Zoe and Sophie bound in, bouncing on the bed, and disturbing Sooz while also making me feel even more nauseous.
“Did you guys not drink last night or something?” I moan with all the jostling.
“Of course, we did. You forget we’re seasoned pros,” smirks Zoe. “There has to be some perks to drinking like we do, and one of them is not suffering hangovers after a couple of measly drinks.”
“Leave them be and let them suffer in silence,” says Sophie smugly. She’s loving seeing my pain and obviously remembering how I forced them around Berlin after their absinthe escapades. “Bad head, Abs? You look a little green.”
I could slap them both as they collapse on the bed in heaps of giggles, but that would involve moving and I can barely manage to keep my eyes open.
“Please don’t make so much noise.” The requestcomes from Sooz who has yet to move.
Of all of us, she’s the one who drinks the least and I’m guessing is suffering the worst. She definitely enjoyed herself last night and let go of her uptight work attitude. I vaguely remember her dancing with a group of guys who looked like they were from the cast of Jersey Shore, before hopping on a table and shaking her ass for the whole bar to see. It was hilarious at the time, but she’s paying for it now, and no doubt mortified.
“Anyway …” Zoe sits up and looks at me with purpose. “You owe us one mighty big explanation.”
“You said you’d give her at least ten minutes to come around,” says Sophie sternly. “You promised.”
“And you know I’m crap at keeping promises, especially when it involves gossip with our dear friend. Now, spill.”
They both look over to me, waiting expectantly, but I don’t know if I’m ready to give up the details of what happened between me and Jake so easily. That and I don’t know if my stomach can handle the task of talking.
I look around innocently, avoiding eye contact with either of them or they will be able to see the guilt in my eyes. “I don’t know what you mean.”
“Bull,” says Sooz, randomly coming to life and joining in with the conversation. “You were gone for half an hour and conveniently so was Jake.”
I can feel my cheeks begin to redden as all three of them stare, waiting. I haven’t even acknowledged myself what happened between the two of us and I don’t know if I’m ready to tell them the truth. It felt like a dream, one where I’m unsure whether the implications will be good or bad. However, the ache between my legs confirms that without a doubt, last night in that little dark room, I let Jake win. He pissed all over his territory as if to prove a point. Yes, it was fun, but the exchange we shared after was far too confusing.
I confess under my breath, “We had sex.”
I place my head in my hands in embarrassment. They all sit in stunned silence, lost for words.
“Holy shit!” gasps Zoe. “I was expecting a kiss, but the full shebang? Seriously, did he like rub himself in catnip or something? I thought it’d at least be a few more weeks-”
“Not what she needs to hear right now,” Sophie cuts her off before she can make me feel any worse, then looks at me sympathetically.
“I fucked up. I know.” I admit.
“That’s one way of putting it,” says Zoe bluntly.
Turning to Sooz, the implications of what Jake and I did last night begin to register. This wasn’t just a case of having sex with my ex, as we work together as well. What we did was beyond professional and muddies the waters.
“Am I in trouble?”
“Not if you don’t make it trouble.” She tries to smile positively but knows herself that our history isn’t straightforward.
“Basically, I’m screwed.” My hangover is one of the worst I’ve had, lump all this on top of it and it’s beginning to feel like the end of the world.
“How did you leave things?” ask Sophie. She’s not prying, only trying to be helpful, but I don’t know if I’m ready to part with the things Jake said to me afterwards. I feel like I need time to deal with it and what it might mean.
I opt for giving a vague version of the truth. “We left things ok. We didn’t really say much. I told him it couldn’t happen again, and Jake being Jake didn’t respond, just walked away. Whether he plans to stay away, I’ve no idea.”
“This is so good. I can’t believe you guys hate fucked in a bar. It’s so hot. You don’t get shit like this on Netflix!” exclaims Zoe, while dramatically fanning herself.
“We didn’t hate fuck,” I echo the words Jake said to me himself when I described it that way.
She raises an eyebrow. “Then what would you call it?”
“Well, it certainly wasn’t making love …”
Zoe begins gagging before saying skeptically, “Yeah, because that exists.”
“You just have to meet the right person,” says Sophie. “Which you won’t ever do when all you ever look for is a quick hookup.”
“Yeah, yeah. Thanks, Mom,” says Zoe and rolls her eyes. “Less about me, more about Abs.”
“It wasn’t really anything. Maybe we were just rehashing things for old times’ sake?”
“That’s a load of shit.” Sooz’s response takes us all by surprise. “I saw what you were like when you first moved to South Africa. There’s no way you had sex with him without any feelings being involved. I don’t care how wasted you might have been or how much you claim to hate him.”
“Fine, it was amazing, life changing, and my head is totally messed up. Is that what you all want to hear?” I look around exasperated.
Zoe jumps in. “At least you’re admitting it. Now that you’re not living in denial, we can do something about it and actually help you.”
“Whatever.” My head is beginning to pound at an unbearable rate.
“Your main focus now needs to be Dan.”
“If that’s what she really wants,” says Sophie, knowing I hate feeling like I’m being backed into a corner and not capable of making my own decisions.
“What do you mean, if that’s what she wants?” says Zoe at a pitch that makes my ears ring. “It’s Dan freakin’ White. How could she not want to focus on that?”
“Because she loves Jake and always will.”
Hearing them go back and forth with the overwhelming scenario I’m faced with, paired with the hangover from hell becomes too much.
“I’m gonna puke.”
With that I race out of bed, making it to the toilet just in time before what feels like a day’s worth of fluids makes its way up. It comes out of my nose and at one point feels like it makes its way out of my ears, but I may be being slightly dramatic there.
When I feel like there’s nothing left to bring back up, I sheepishly make my way back into the room, collapsing on the bed.
“Gross, you smell like a sewer,” complains Zoe, as I cuddle into her lap needing comfort from someone, anyone.
“Now you know how we all feel on a regular basis,” I reply, before drifting off to sleep and leaving the girls to chat between themselves.
***
It takes two days to recover from my binge drinking with the girls. After emptying my stomach multiple times that morning, I vowed never to drink again, but I guess we will see how long that one lasts.
After two days of hiding away from the world and wallowing in my own self-pity, Sooz forces me to drag myself out of bed. Really, I have no choice because it’s the bands turn to perform at the festival and as much as I want to, there’s no way I can avoid everyone, including Jake.
I make an extra effort with my appearance, going for a simple look which took over an hour to perfect, thanks to the toll the hangover has taken on my body. When I’m happy, I make my way down to the hotel lobby where we’ve been staying, with my camera kit hanging from one of my shoulders.
“You look hot,” says Zoe. “Jake will hate it.”
She winks and turns to get in the cab outside. I don’t need any more reassurance. Her words have done the job they were intended to.
When we arrive at the festival, everyone settles into their roles quickly, bustling around and making sure everything is ready for when the band arrives. Today needs to run smoothly and without any hiccups. After the incident with Jake, this will set the precedent for the rest of the tour and we need to make it work.
My cell vibrates in my pocket. I pull it out to find a message from Dan which instantly brings a smile to my face. Our communication has been limited, but when I read the message which says, 10 days, I can’t ignore the excitement it stirs inside me. Maybe I’m not a lost cause after all.
“Must be someone special to make you smile like that.”
I look up to find Jake, with what is becoming his signature frown on his face. I shrug, not knowing what to say. Heat begins to travel up my neck by just being near him, as the memories of the other night begin to invade my mind.
When I find the courage, I reply, “I guess you could say that.”
He grimaces slightly. I know Jake, and I know he wanted me to welcome him with open arms, tell him that there’s no one else. But after everything that has happened between us, I can’t lie. Every part of me screams to fall into his arms, but there is someone else beginning to give my heart a reason to beat. It’s not something I can just walk away from, especially when I know how disastrous Jake and I can be together.
“Are we ok? You know, after the other night.” He rubs the back of his neck and looks at me with those brown eyes in such a way that it makes him seem years younger than what we are.
“Why wouldn’t we be?”
“I know the other night was … unexpected, and I’ve not heard from you since. I didn’t know if you were avoiding me.”
“I’ve hardly been avoiding you.” It’s a little white lie which I’m not about to ‘fess up to. “More like I had the hangover from hell. In case you couldn’t tell, I was absolutely wasted.”
I don’t mean for it to come across so harsh and insinuate what it does, but by the way he frowns, I know he’s read more into it than I meant him to.
“Well, in that case, I don’t have to worry about you thinking that just because we had sex it meant there was still something between us. Thanks for clearing that up.”
I flinch as he spins round and heads back towards the group with a face like thunder. Zach looks over with pity, understanding even from far away that the exchange hasn’t gone well. I shake my head as a signal for him to leave it alone, praying to God this doesn’t affect their set. I’ll never be able to forgive myself.
“Trouble in paradise?” I thought it had been too long since I’d heard from her.
It’s been a blissful few days in which I haven’t had to listen to her voice, but now, Amanda is here and very much in my personal space. She doesn’t look happy.
“It’s none of your business.” I try to say it as politely as possible, but she’s picked the wrong moment to piss me off.
“I told you he was mine.” She’s like a child claiming a toy.
“Does he know that?”
“You just can’t keep your hands to yourself, can you?” she snaps. “One guy on the cards wasn’t enough for you a couple of years ago and it still isn’t. I knew the moment I met you that you were a whore.”
It feels like I’ve been slapped I’m that stunned she’s had the balls to say exactly what she’s thinking to my face.
I stammer back, “E-excuse me?”
“What’s the matter, cat got your tongue? Or maybe you’ve been shoving it in too many places?” I look around hopelessly, but everyone else has moved on to wardrobe to get the guys ready for their set, so lucky for me there’s no one to intervene. “I’ve told you once and I’ll tell you again. Jake is mine. I made the mistake two years ago of underestimating you and I won’t be doing it again. If you value your job and everything you’ve worked for, you need to back the fuck off.”
With that she throws her bleached blonde hair over her shoulder and barges past me, storming away and leaving me to wonder how I keep finding myself in one ridiculous scenario after another.
