Deviant Vows by Anna Widzisz

CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE

Davina

There were a few moments in my life when I thought I got used to torturing and killing people. Those were the times I felt at peace pushing the knife into someone’s heart, watching the light in their eyes fade away. I’ve always told myself that they deserved it for whatever reason. Because they lied, betrayed, schemed or simply weren’t trustworthy in the first place. But as I walk into the basement of the Addison house and I see the state Theo is in, I’m starting to question my own integrity alongside Macsen’s.

He’s hanging from the ceiling from a thick, brass chain. His body is stripped of clothes other than boxers, although even these are soaked in blood. He has long and deep cuts, almost as if Macsen used a whip, which at this point wouldn’t surprise me at all. His head is lowered and I see that he’s barely breathing… and living.

And something in me breaks because I’m not happy with how he looks. I’m mortified, and when I hear Macsen’s steps behind me, I jump to the side. I don’t want him at my back or anywhere close for that matter. Now, for the very first time, I realise what kind of monster my husband is. I’m not afraid but cautious.

I swallow, feeling my hands getting sweaty. Looking at Macsen, I try to stay calm and collected even if I am anything but.

“I want to be alone with Theo,” I tell him. My voice is deep and assertive so that I won’t hear a refusal. I don’t want to fight my husband tonight. I can’t find it in myself to do so.

He opens his mouth and I know he wants to refuse. So I hold my hand up, silencing him.

“He’s not going to hurt me. He can’t even move.”

Those words don’t help as much as I hoped, but after debating for a couple of seconds, Macsen finally leaves us and closes the doors. He’s going to be waiting outside in case something happens. I don’t have to hear him say it to know.

I don’t care.

As soon as I’m left with Theo, I look around and see a sink in the corner with a cloth thrown over it. I walk up and get it completely wet. Then I press a switch, getting the man down. He’s conscious as his eyes flare open ever so slightly, though he has no strength to even sit.

I kneel beside him, and do what I never in a million years thought I would – I clean up his face and body gently so as not to hurt him more. Theo would most certainly be surprised if he could even show it. Although, I’m not sure he even knows who is with him in the basement, let alone what’s going on.

“Davina,” he whispers, proving me wrong.

“I know what happened,” I tell him quietly as I don’t want to make a lot of noise. I’m sure his head can’t handle more right now. I wouldn’t be shocked if he had a concussion from the beating he got. “And I want to tell you a story of a sixteen-year-old girl whose life has taken a turn for worse in one night. Can you handle it?”

I see his chest heaving and head slightly tilting back, and I treat it as a confirmation. He’s not capable of more than that.

And so I start from the beginning. I’m opening my heart – or rather ripping it open by cutting the stitches that I put there a long time ago – and speak of the night when Taylor came for me. Then the days following as well as the reaction of my family. I don’t leave anything out because there’s no use. I want Theo to understand me the way his brother did because I might have my family all screwed up to the point that after all these years they are still not able to find it in themselves to believe me, but the Addison brothers are different.

I never liked Theo, which wasn’t a secret, but I’ve always recognised the love and sacrifice. There were mistakes and mistakes. As much as Macsen is blinded by my accusation, and it led him to channel all the rage towards his younger brother, Theo isn’t to blame.

I don’t blame him.

The story hurts. It physically and emotionally pains me to relive it. I hoped I’d never have to tell it again. But at the same time it feels right, and somehow freeing to say it out loud. To someone who might just believe that I’m telling the truth.

As I’m telling him everything, I keep on cleaning him to bring him to a more liveable state with cold water. He won’t be able to get up anytime soon because many of his bones are visibly broken, but the most I can do is help him become more aware of what’s around him.

I don’t need the confirmation but I know he must have been here for more than a day. Perhaps even more than a week. I know the kind and colour of bruising that remains after more than one day when I see it.

Theo stays quiet, listening to me. For the first time, he really is hearing what I am saying instead of planning my demise. So I use it to my advantage and paint him the picture of the twenty-year-old Davina who could no longer hold all that pain inside her – so she made a plan of dealing with her demons. Then frame by frame, word by word, I show him around those dark memories running in my head of what exactly happened in the Quarter.

The end is the hardest, though. Because I finish my story with a declaration I’ve tried to keep to myself. I’ve always been afraid of getting hurt, however; it seems like sometimes my heart actually knows exactly who’s right for me and who isn’t. It’s exactly what I feel for Macsen, and almost what I felt when I saw Theo.

I see hope.

For something more than temporary happiness. Perhaps for a completely different, more open life. I don’t want my past to define me. My demons to hunt me until I lay in my grave. Maybe even in the afterlife. I want to let all of this go once and for all. And it won’t happen if I keep that hatred rooted in my heart.

So I sigh and say, “I forgive you.”

Theo doesn’t speak. He’s looking at me with something I don’t recognise in him because I don’t know him well enough. But it’s not the same look that he’s given me every time in the past months. It’s something more. Something… brighter.

“Even if you don’t need it or ask for my forgiveness, I’m still giving it to you.”

Tears well up in my eyes as my hands tremble. I take them away from his face, putting the cloth down on my knees. We stay like this for a few minutes in complete silence. Our eyes locked.

“Why did you tell me this?” he asks. “I don’t deserve anything from you, or from Macsen.”

I shake my head. “You deserve my respect, Theo. Believe it or not but I appreciate you looking out for your brother. That’s something I’ve never experienced. Not from my sister, nor my parents. No one.” I take a deep breath. “Family means everything when you mean nothing.”

“I almost killed you.”

“Yes, you almost did.” I pause. “I’m not saying you did the right thing by coming after me because at the end of the day my intentions were pure. I fucking fell in love with your stupid brother.”

My chuckle rings in the basement as I hear those words coming out of my mouth. For the first time, I’m not afraid of admitting it. I love that horrible monster who’s waiting outside the doors. He’s an awful person, but he’s my person. His darkness has been shaped by his childhood, mine by my experience. So when I stare at him and see the abyss, he’s staring back at me with most definitely the same view.

Two monsters can bring light. Or so I hope.

“What I mean is that you’ve done all of this for your brother. To protect him. And I can never blame you for doing what I’d hoped my family would have way back when.”

“He hates me. He’s going to kill me,” Theo says, the pain in his voice almost palpable. “And he’s right to. I betrayed him and I betrayed the Firm.”

I smile and extend my hands in his direction. “Sometimes even bosses need that lesson to know what they can lose. Macsen might be angry but he loves you. He just needs a good reminder of that. Do you have enough willpower to make that happen?”

He hesitates. A few deep breaths and he puts his hands into mine as I help him sit down.

“I’m sorry, Davina.”

I nod. “Water under the bridge.” Something I have never thought I’d do – forgive. But I really mean my words. I have no place in my heart for hatred anymore, and so I’ll deal with those who still want to fire it up in me and then I’ll be alright. Finally.

I clear my throat and call for Macsen. A little louder now so he can hear. It doesn’t even take a second for him to come into the room. He looks at me, then at Theo. He’s angry to see that his brother is no longer hanging from the ceiling and soaked in blood.

I stand up and walk up to him. My hand rests over his heart. “Talk. Listen to him this time. He’s your family, and family might mean nothing but it can also mean everything. Yours is the latter. Don’t waste it, Macsen,” I tell him. “I’ll be waiting in the library when you’re done. Don’t kill him, please.”

With that, I leave. My heart is lighter by a few pounds.

There is a smile on my face like never before.

I feel well.

I feel free.