Treating a Sinful Earl by Henrietta Harding
Chapter 32
When Catherine returned home, she ran to her room in a mess of tears. Seeing Jasper was so terribly difficult because part of her felt as though she had lost him already. Now, he was truly gone, for she could not bear the pain of marrying him and losing him, which she had previously assumed she was strong enough to endure.
There was a knock at the door, and she assumed it to be Selina. That was why it came as quite a shock when Abigail came inside.
Catherine brushed the tears away. “What are you doing here?”
“I had a premonition.”
Catherine could not help but laugh. “A premonition?”
“Indeed. Selina informed me of your distress, and I sensed that today was the day when you needed me most.”
Catherine got up and walked towards her, and the two girls embraced. “It is a horrible situation,” she confided.
“I was told.” Abigail rubbed Catherine’s back. “And I am sorry that I have not come sooner. There has been my own turmoil to contend with.”
“Turmoil?” Catherine asked, pulling away. “What kind of turmoil?” She was eager to hear of anything other than her own predicament.
“I have become a recluse. Can you believe it?” There were tears in Abigail’s eyes. “Never did I think that it would happen to me.”
“What has happened?” Catherine took her hands.
“I am in love…I admit this with great sadness, knowing that your situation is worse than my own, but I cannot help but feel…afraid!”
Catherine had to stifle a smile, for Abigail’s turmoil over being in love was charming in a way. “Why is this a bad thing?”
“Because it is frightening. Yes, I love Felton, and I cannot admit it to him. I think about him all the time, and I do not have the heart to go to parties and pretend that I am interested in others.”
“Go to him,” Catherine said softly. “Go to him and tell him the truth.”
“But what if he does not love me anymore after I do so? What if he does not care for me when he knows that I love only him?”
Catherine led Abigail to the bed, where they both seated themselves. “He will still love you. I know it. You cannot be afraid anymore, Abigail. If you love Felton, you must tell him so and make a match of it. This time on earth is precious, and it must be embraced when love is involved.”
Catherine could not believe that she was saying these words, for this was the very sentiment that she had banished regarding Jasper. But her love informed her that time was more precious than ever.
“Have you refused the Earl of Simmons?” Abigail asked.
Catherine nodded. “I cannot go through with it, even after what I just said to you. Oh, I thought that I was strong enough! But as it turns out, I am not. To love him so briefly then to see him die…this is something that I could never endure.”
Abigail fell silent. Perhaps Catherine had said too much. Finally, Abigail heaved a sigh and said, “I do not think that it is too much.”
Catherine was surprised by this. “What do you mean?”
“It cannot possibly be too much for you. You are so strong, Catherine. If you love him, then you must heed the very same advice that I have! It might be impossible to refuse.”
Now, Catherine was the one to fall silent, for it was all too plain that Abigail was telling her exactly what she needed to hear. In fact, this is what she was afraid to hear. “It is funny how we share the same fears. I became afraid of my love when I learned that Jasper did not have much time. But I must admit that my love endures, perhaps even stronger than it was before. How am I to contend with this? How am I to embrace my love, knowing that it will disappear?”
“It shall not disappear. It will endure for a lifetime,” Abigail reasoned.
“But then I shall have a lifetime of longing for someone that is not here! I cannot imagine how excruciating that must be.”
Abigail said softly, “And yet, you already love him, and it will endure for a lifetime. You have nothing to lose.”
She made a remarkable point. Yes, the feelings that she already had could not be more intense. She was already going to lose him, whether she gave herself over to him or not. The pain was unavoidable, so why not make the best of this life and give in to it?
There was so much to consider. And yet, that sinking feeling that Selina left her with would not fade away. “I cannot help but think of the rumours that surround him. What if there was a small chance that Jasper was leading me on in order to…have his way with me.”
Abigail seemed rather confused by this. “Rumours?”
“Surely you have heard of the rumours that surround the Earl. Selina has reminded me of them again and again. It is as though she has infiltrated my mind.”
Abigail sat back. “Selina has been feeding you rumours?”
“Indeed. She says that Jasper is merely toying with my affections. Is it wrong that I take these rumours to heart?”
Abigail fluttered her eyelashes several times before replying, “Oh, Catherine, I would not believe what Selina is telling you.”
Catherine was taken aback. “But she is a dear friend. Why should I not believe her?”
The response came after several moments of concentrated silence. “There is something that you must know about Selina. She is…not what she seems. Oh, I love her as dearly as you do, but I know that I must be careful.”
“Careful?” Catherine asked in utter confusion.
“Indeed. There have been several instances where she has tried to break matches that she did not care for. She even tried to do so with Felton and I, but I saw through her treachery.”
Catherine did not know what to say. Selina was purposefully trying to deceive her? But she trusted Selina more than most. The evening before, Selina had come up to her room seeking to comfort her after Jasper departed. She had informed Catherine that the situation was still not suitable, that Jasper was desperate, and he could say very little about his love.
But when Catherine had seen Jasper from her window, he had looked distraught. That must have been because Selina was lying all the while…
“I cannot believe that she has deceived me in this way,” Catherine said faintly.
“Believe it. There is no use in trying to deny it,” Abigail assured her. “I have been so lost in my own turmoil, that I did not take pains to warn you. But it was evident that she did not care for you and the Earl’s flirtation. I think she was positively jealous!”
Catherine brought her hands up to her cheeks. What had she done? She had believed Selina before she believed Jasper. She put her trust in Selina because she was a dear friend, and in so doing, she pulled her trust away from the man she loved. It was all too horrific for words.
“What do I do now? I do not know that Jasper will ever forgive me!”
“Of course, he will forgive you,” Abigail assured her. “He loves you, and he only has so much time. You are perhaps the dearest object in his life. Oh, I know that the situation is rather difficult, but know that he will love you for the rest of his days and beyond.”
Catherine was so grateful for these words, and she was entirely sure that Abigail had changed much since falling in love with Felton. Never had they shared such intimate conversation. It was as though Abigail’s heart had burst open because of Felton, and now Catherine was reaping the benefit.
Lost in her own thoughts, Catherine thought of what she must do next. There was no sense in going to Jasper that very day. She would be making a fool of herself! After her defiance in the forest, to return to him now would be an embarrassment, and perhaps too much of a shock. Perhaps she should write him a letter? Oh, none of it would do! The situation was still vastly complicated.
“Sometimes…I still believe that there is a chance,” Catherine said softly.
“A chance?”
“A chance for me to heal him…I simply cannot give up yet. If I do marry him—oh, heavens, I do not know what to do—but if I do, I must work tirelessly to still improve his health, or perhaps heal him altogether.”
Abigail replied, “Your love might heal him.”
Tears swelled in Catherine’s eyes. “I should hope so. But I have already given him my love and his health has taken a turn for the worse. You do not know how horrible the feeling of it is.”
Abigail embraced her, and the two girls held each other for some time. Finally, Abigail pulled away and said, “Promise me that you will be courageous, and I shall do the same. There is no reason to fear when love gives us strength. I am confident that we shall endure, and in the end, we shall find trust and devotion.”
She got up from the bed and made her way to the door. “I must be going,” Abigail said.
“You cannot stay for tea?”
“I fear not. There are matters to attend to. Write to him…and tell him the truth.” With that, Abigail blew her a kiss and departed.
Catherine was left in the silence, wondering when she would see Jasper again. Although writing a letter was not as suitable as seeing him, she would undertake it, if only to make up for what had happened in the forest.
Sitting at her desk, Catherine took the quill pen and began.
Dearest Jasper,
I must apologize for the days since discovering the doctor’s letter. Know that I have been in a great deal of pain, and Selina has been feeding me false information that I took to heart. Please forgive me for doing so. I thought that I could trust Selina, but as it turns out, this is not so. Know that I desperately love you, and this has not changed since learning the news. Oh, Jasper, I am so afraid! I wish to give myself to you fully, but fear gets in the way.
I shall inform you that I am still determined to heal you. This is something that I cannot give up on. I do not know why, but my mind and my heart are still telling me that there is a way. The doctors are perhaps missing something, and this can be remedied! Oh, you perhaps think that I am foolish, but I am someone that always holds onto hope…and to love. Forgive me for being so distant and trust that I think of you often. I still love you and wish to be yours,
Forever my love,
Catherine
No, she would not cry again! Too many tears had been shed for this man, and there was no reason to continue in such a manner. The letter would be dispatched at once and hopefully Jasper would have the heart to forgive her, although she already knew that he would.
There had been such deep love, affection, and anguish in his eyes in the forest. Her woman’s intuition was not wrong: this was the man that she was supposed to love, whether he was ill, or no. Catherine would embrace that courage that Abigail had instilled in her.
A new thought came to mind, and a postscript was necessary.
And so you know, Abigail has been in seclusion due to her love for Felton. Please tell him to not lose hope. The love that he seeks is on the horizon.