Treating a Sinful Earl by Henrietta Harding
Chapter 33
Jasper read the letter in his study, entranced. He had almost entirely given up on the notion of Catherine making a sudden return. He was willing to wait for her, no matter how long it took. Now, she was returning of her own volition, and Jasper could not be happier with the outcome.
Still, it troubled him that she was holding onto the hope of still healing him. For Jasper, this seemed improbable. Still, her determination only made him love her more, and he would certainly do anything that she instructed him to do.
He walked over to the window, the letter still in his hand. Was there a chance that everything would work out? He wished to see her that very moment, but seeing as it was rather late at night, that would not be possible. He would go to her the very next morning. Jasper was quite sure that she would be in the forest, and he would meet her there, where he would ask for her hand in marriage once more. But should he do that? Should he press her again so quickly when every ounce of his being wished for it?
There was a knock upon the door, and Felton saw himself in. “How are you getting on?” Felton asked.
“As well as can be expected.”
“Is that another letter from the doctor?” Felton asked, deep concern in his voice.
“It is from Catherine.”
Felton stepped in closer, then seated himself upon a chair in front of the desk. “Does she still refuse you?”
A wide grin came to Jasper’s lips. “I think that she is coming around.”
“That is surprising. She must be a lady of true courage.”
Although Jasper wished to touch upon that further, there were more important matters to attend to. “She mentions Abigail in her letter.”
At this, Felton perked up. “Is that so?”
“She says to not give up hope. I would express the same sentiment. It might be all too clear that the lady has feelings for you. You should go to her.”
“Go to her? When I am being ignored?” Felton asked in confusion. “I…There are moments where I do not think that I have the strength to continuously endure this situation.”
Jasper was disappointed. Felton was not acting like himself, and it was discouraging. “Why do you talk in this manner? Your undying love for her inspires me every day.”
Felton huffed. “I have not given up on my love. I still feel it intensely. Oh, my friend, I must admit that your current circumstances have changed my opinion on things.”
This was distressing, so Jasper fled the window and came to the desk. “Explain this.”
“I feel…sad. I guess I shall say. I do not wish to lose you, and this has made me view the world in a different way, I am afraid.”
Jasper sighed then seated himself. Yes, there was much to say on this matter but also nothing to say at all. The situation could not be changed, even if it pained all those around him.
“Do not change your view of the world because of me. What happens shall happen. There is nothing we can do. Let us delight in our friendship while we have the time and know that all is well.”
Felton smiled. “You are a brave man. I shall be the same.”
“I am most glad to hear it.”
They sat in silence for several moments, basking in the sadness that lingered and also the hope. No, there was no sense in having them linger on the sadness. “Let us drink brandy!” Jasper exclaimed, getting up from his seat and securing the bottle.
“What should I do about Abigail? Merely tell me, and I shall do it.”
“Ask for her hand in marriage,” Jasper advised.
“Just like that?”
“Just like that. I think that she is waiting for it, and in the meantime, she does not know what to do.”
Felton frowned. “There is still a chance that she will say no. I shall be a broken man when that happens.”
“Nonsense. If she says no, then you simply must be patient and wait for her. There is no other way. A dear acquaintance of mine told me the other day that patience is a virtue.”
“How can you have patience when you are going to die?” Felton asked, a note of humour in his voice.
“We are all going to die, my friend,” Jasper said, pouring the brandy. “But some men never live.”
He walked over with the drinks and handed one to Felton. The two men clinked glasses and leaned back in their chairs. “She is the most beautiful woman that I have ever known,” Felton said with a warm smile.
“Abigail is a beautiful woman, but she is not as beautiful as Catherine in my eyes.”
“Do you think that she shall accept your proposal again?”
“I have absolutely no idea,” he replied, not a bit of fear in his voice.
Truly, at this point, it did not matter if she accepted. Jasper was content with merely loving. He was content with having the courage to lay his emotions bare, no matter the consequences. Of course, he desperately wished for her to comply, but if she did not, Jasper would die comfortably knowing that he had done his best. What more could a man ask for? If he went to his deathbed thinking that he had not done enough, then he would be filled with remorse. No, he had done everything within his power and Jasper was proud of himself. He had done what was right. Jasper had led from the heart. With any luck, the following morning, he would get to see Catherine once more. And if that luck held, she would have him.
“I have had a pleasant premonition about the future,” Jasper said, raising his glass.
***
The following morning, when Jasper saw her in the forest, he was beside himself with happiness. She looked lovelier than ever, and he kept her note in his pocket as a sound reminder that she had been deceived and now her mind had changed. Still…there was no telling what she would say.
“I received your letter,” he said, standing before her. “It warmed my heart.”
Her eyes were imploring. “Can you forgive me? I did not know that Selina was deceiving me. I trusted her, and her ideas infiltrated my mind. But know that I have never lost my love for you, as the note suggests.”
Oh, but Jasper did not wish to talk! He wanted to hold her and kiss her. He wished to do everything in his power to touch her. But to do so in this moment would be vastly inappropriate, and he restrained himself, not wishing for her to take offence.
“I am resolved to whatever feels right for you. I no longer have the power to persuade you, for I know that there is much to consider. My health is not getting any better and I wish that I could protect you from that.”
“But I can make it better! Oh, please listen when I say that there is still a chance. I have been doing more research and I know that I can improve things. Certainly…if we are wed, that would be more tireless work.”
“But I do not wish for our love to be work,” he informed her. “I want for you to be happy, not slaving away at my wellbeing.”
A little smile came to her lips. “But it would make me happy to see you healthy. In fact, nothing in the world would make me happier.”
He brought the backs of his knuckles to her cheek. “But we must love one another without relying upon my health. There is no certainty there. What is certain is that I love you and want to spend what time I have left with you. That is of the utmost importance to me. Nothing else.”
She shook her head from side to side. “Sometimes, I believe that you are too good to be true. Why do you love me so?”
Jasper could have written a novel with all the reasons that he loved her. Instead, he chose to keep it brief. “I love you for your goodness, your kindness, and your beauty. I must admit that from the moment I first saw you, I knew that I had to have you. Of course, I can never have you. My illness has taught me more than anything else that we do not own things in this life. We cannot keep things. We must let go in order to experience true love, which is ephemeral. Do you understand?”
She nodded. “Yes, I understand. I know that I cannot have you forever, but I do wish to enjoy the moments that I can secure.”
“And for saying that, I love you all the more.”
The moment was too ripe to resist. Jasper stepped in closer, taking Catherine into his arms gently. He held her for some time, basking in the feel of her, and her smell. Yes, there was that sense that when he was in her presence, he would never have to die. That because of her love, he could live for ages. But alas, this was not the truth and there was no way around what his fate would be. He just hoped that she would not need to see him suffer.
Holding her in silence, Jasper placed his chin against the side of her head and sighed. The only woman that he had ever loved was resting in his arms and he did not want to ever let her go. That was why his heart sank when she pulled away.
“So, the rumours that you are a rake were not true after all,” she said humorously.
“No, they were not.”
“Why is it that a man as handsome as yourself never took advantage of opportunities?”
Jasper had to think about this. In the end, the answer was simple. “I was never in love. Other men would think it foolish of me that I bypassed the advances of ladies that I was not interested in, but in truth, only love spurs me on to…desire physical intimacy.”
He watched as Catherine coloured. “So, you have never…had such intimacy?”
He clenched his jaw before he replied, “I am afraid that is not true, either.”
Catherine appeared confused and cocked her head. “But you just said…?”
There was much explaining to do. “Catherine, you must know that there was a brief period in my life where I explored the possibilities of loving a woman. Sometimes, I fear that this is where my reputation sprang from. I experienced pleasure but came to realize that this pleasure was nothing when I did not care to spend the rest of my life with the lady that I was with. This happened in my youth, and since then, I have been a man that knows better and behaves accordingly. Sometimes I think that society almost punishes me for this. They wish for me to be a rake, so they have something to gossip about. But those days are gone, and I never wish for them to return. There is only one woman that I love in this world and that is you.”
Her chest heaved and tears appeared in her eyes. Jasper feared that he had said too much, for he could see the clear emotion that she conveyed. What else was there to say? He had spoken his truth and expressed the heart of the matter. Those days were long behind him, and although he did not regret them for the important lesson they had imparted, he was most grateful that the woman that stood before him was the only one for him. Everything else was just a memory.