Becoming by Jourdyn Kelly

SNAP! “FUCK!” CASS growled. That was the fourth damn brush today that she had broken. Not only was she ruining her fucking supplies—including her favorite brush—but she wasn’t liking any of the stuff she was putting on the canvas. Which was fucking perfect since her showing at Sumptor Gallery was in a couple of weeks.

The shrill of her phone only served to annoy her even more. Obviously, she had forgotten to silence it when she came in to paint and that wasn’t Rebecca’s ringtone, so fuck it. Though, Cass couldn’t blame Rebecca for keeping her distance lately. The stress of the opening had Cass a bit cranky. Perhaps Cass could make up for it by cooking dinner tonight. She snorted. Yeah, that’d probably make things worse.

A light knock on the door made Cass’s pulse quicken. Only one person in the world was allowed in this room. “Come in,” she called out.

Rebecca stuck her blonde head in and held up her phone. “Sorry, I know you’re busy, but there’s a call for you.”

Cass frowned. “Who is it?”

“Connor.”

“I’m, uh, trying to get this shit done. Can’t you take it? He called you.”

“No, he called you, but you didn’t answer. And I’m not your secretary, Cassidy.” Rebecca took a deep breath. After almost three weeks of this attitude, Rebecca was nearing the end of her patience. “You asked him to keep you updated. Deal with it.”

Cass caught the phone that Rebecca tossed to her. She is not happy with me. Damn it. “Yeah, hello?” Cass tapped her fingers on her easel as she listened. “No, no, it’s okay. I’ve just been swamped. What’s up… And you think that’s the best course to take… Well, that’s good, then, right?” She looked over a Rebecca who looked back with expectancy—and a hint of exasperation. “So, what does all of this mean for you… For how long… Yeah, I wish you all the luck, man. Thanks for the update.”

“So?” Rebecca asked after Cassidy stayed silent.

“If you wanted to know, why didn’t you just talk to him?” Cass watched as Rebecca’s nostrils flared. Oh, you are a fucking idiot, Cass.

“I promised myself that I would be patient as you went through this,” Rebecca said coolly. “I knew that you’d have to let these emotions run their course. I’ve even allowed you angry sex in hopes that it would help you move forward. But you are stuck on the anger. I love you, Cassidy. But I won’t go through this again.”

Cass’s stomach dropped. Her heart stopped. “Connor said that Rand finally agreed to counseling and a divorce as long as he didn’t release the photos publicly,” she said quickly. “At Connor’s request, the judge ordered her to stay in a rehabilitation hospital, instead of jail, for a minimum of three years and she’ll be fined $10,000. Connor has decided that traveling is his best option. He’s pretty sure her parents are going to blame him for everything that’s happening.” She stopped there. It all seemed so unimportant now. It didn’t matter what Connor did, or where Rand ended up. Not in Cass’s mind. In her mind, nothing mattered except convincing Rebecca to stay with her. “Please.Don’t leave me,” she whispered.

Rebecca stared at the woman in front of her, witnessing the fear in those incredible eyes. She was sorry for being the one to put it there, but something had to give. “I’m doing the best I can, Cassidy. I truly am. But how can I help you when you refuse to talk about it?” She looked around the room. “You pretend that it’s the stress of the opening. Yet, you’ve been like this since the night you found out about Miranda. Do you think I can’t see how it has affected you? Affected us? It’s ironic that the woman who taught me it wasn’t my fault, blames herself for something she had absolutely no control over.”

Panic rose like bile inside Cass when Rebecca turned to leave. “Wait! Where are you going? I can do better!”

The trepidation in Cassidy’s voice caused Rebecca’s step to falter. She turned her head to look at her lover. “I’m not asking you to get over it, Cassidy. I just need you to move past the anger. Now, I have to meet a client.”

“A client!”

Rebecca rolled her eyes. Oh, yeah. Her patience was quickly turning to nil. “A business client. I’ll be back later.” And with that, she was out the door.

Be back. Not home, but back.The only solace Cass could find in that was at least Rebecca was coming back. Unless she changes her mind, Cass thought grumpily. She blew out a frustrated breath. Rebecca was right. Cass was stuck on this anger and she needed to do something about it fast before she lost the most precious thing to her in the world. Rebecca’s love.

“CASS! THIS ISquite the surprise.”

Cass rubbed the back of her neck, feeling a bit self-conscious.

“Hey, Aunt Wills. Do you have a minute?”

“For you, I have,” she checked her appointment book, then the clock, “ten.” The normally good-natured Cass looked so downtrodden that Willamena considered rescheduling her next appointment. “What can I help you with?”

“Do you ever get tired of people coming to you with their stupid problems?”

Willamena tsked. “First of all, no problem is stupid. Well, almost no problem. Second, what kind of psychiatrist would I be if I didn’t want to help people through their toughest times?”

“Not a very good one?” Cass guessed, receiving a smile and a nod from Aunt Wills in return. “I’m really fucking things up with Rebecca. I think she’s going to leave me and with this damn anger I have, I can’t blame her.”

Willamena frowned. “Cassidy?”

Oh, that sounded like Cass’s mom when Cass got in trouble. And Cass realized how what she just said sounded. “No, no. Nothing like that. I haven’t hurt her. I mean, not physically. But I’m being a real dick and she’s over it.”

“Our Rebecca certainly isn’t one to take dickery for that long,” Willamena said with a straight face. She was sure it was a rarity that Cass Giles was angry or depressed for long. She had to admit to being a little distressed by it. Though Rebecca had told her side of what happened recently, Willamena could clearly see there was more to Cass’s side.

“Dickery,” Cass snickered but sobered immediately. “Help me, Aunt Wills.”

“I’m assuming this has to do with Miranda.”

Cass hung her head in shame. “I see Rebecca has talked to you about it. Probably telling you how much of a bitch I’m being.”

“Actually, she’s told me very little. I imagine she’s done that for your benefit as well as Miranda’s husband’s. She told me that she mentioned my name to Connor and didn’t want to influence me in any way.” Willamena hesitated, wondering how much she should reveal. Certain that Rebecca would be okay with her telling Cass a few things, she continued. “She called me as a preventive measure. She was afraid that the nightmares she had just gotten over would come back because of the subject matter you both are dealing with now.”

“Shit. I didn’t even think about that.” Cass flopped back and rubbed her face with frustration. “I’ve been fucking selfish lately.”

“Cass, would you like to tell me your side before continuing on with your self-deprecation?”

Cass reluctantly told Aunt Wills all about how she had been duped by her so-called best friend. She even told her about their early days together and how it all made sense now to Cass what Rand was doing. She couldn’t believe she had been so damned blind. Every little lie and manipulation was so fucking clear in hindsight.

“Your anger stems not only from recent events but from your past?” Willamena asked carefully.

“Yeah, I guess. She played me like a fucking violin. I can see now how she played the damsel in distress every chance she got. If there wasn’t drama, she would create it. Of course, I didn’t see that then. And this shit she’s been doing to Connor. How the fuck did I miss that? So fucking clueless,” she muttered with a shake of the head.

“May I ask you a question?”

Almost as though she forgot she was on a Skype call with Rebecca’s aunt/therapist, Cass’s head popped up. “Um, yeah.”

“Do you think I’m clueless?” Willamena asked pointedly.

“Of course not!”

“But I’m a professional, Cass. I am highly trained to see patterns in people that help me determine who they are. I literally do this for a living. Yet, I had no idea what was happening to my own niece. The person I love the most in this world.”

Cass sputtered. “But—but that’s different!”

“Why?”

“Because you weren’t here with her! You didn’t see her every day or spend time with the both of them, Aunt Wills. Not like I did with Rand and Connor. She was my best friend!”

“And Rebecca is my niece!” Willamena shouted back in a rare show of frustration. “I know her. I should have seen it. I should have heard it in her voice. I should have known when she stopped calling me.” The doctor sat back in her own chair and smoothed her already impeccable hair. “We both have to come to terms with the fact that we can’t see what someone doesn’t want us to see. Even me. My very limited knowledge of Miranda tells me she’s manipulative and narcissistic. Someone like that is very good at hiding the truth from people. Particularly those closest to her. Do you think her parents had any clue she was abusive?”

Cass pictured Mr. and Mrs. Loring. Nice people. Perhaps a bit too doting on their only daughter, but Cass didn’t think they’d cover up something like this. And she certainly didn’t think they could lie well enough. Hell, Cass remembered back when she had first come out. She went over to Rand’s like she did every day, but for the first time ever, she was turned away. Rand’s parents answered the door which should have been Cass’s first clue that something was up. They were uncomfortable, stumbling over their words as they told Cass that Rand was sick. She learned later that they had concerns about Rand being around a lesbian. Rand gave them hell for that. It was the one genuine thing Cass could give Rand credit for. It took them a while to come around, but it happened eventually. Whatever their hang-ups were about Cass’s sexuality, she didn’t see them ever condoning an abusive daughter.

“No. Okay, I get it. I have no fault in this.” That was actually harder to say than she thought it would be. Knowing and feeling something are totally different. “How do I get all of this,” she swirled her hands around her head and heart, “on the same page.”

“Based on what Rebecca has told me, you’re not going to like my answer.”

“Lay it on me, doc.”

“You need to talk to Miranda.”

“You’re right. I don’t like your answer.”

Willamena chuckled. “I told you. But it is honestly the best thing you can do, Cass. You can’t know the answers until you ask the questions. There are moments when I wish I had the opportunity to speak with Samantha. Then I remember that would require her to be breathing. I know I’m a doctor and shouldn’t say this, but I can live with not having closure for the rest of my life as long as she stays dead.”

“Nothing wrong with that, Aunt Wills,” Cass stated proudly.

Willamena gave her niece’s lover a small smile. “You, on the other hand, have the opportunity to say what you need to say to Miranda and close this chapter in your life.”

Cass frowned. The thought of talking to Rand didn’t sit well with her. However, the prospect of losing Rebecca because Cass couldn’t get her head out of her ass was far worse. “Fine. I’ll talk to her. Can you do me a favor, though?”

“Perhaps.”

“Can you convince your niece not to leave me?”

“Oh, Cass. She was never going to leave you. Why would she be selling her house if she planned on leaving you?”

Cass’s eyes grew wide. “She’s selling her place?!”

“Oh, dear. Something tells me she didn’t mean for you to know that now. Crap.”

The muttered “crap” somehow filtered through Cass’s muddled brain, tickling something that felt close to hysterical. She burst out laughing. She laughed until she cried. Cried until she sobbed. Sobbed until she started hiccupping.

“I would hand you a tissue, but…”

Cass gave Aunt Wills a watery smile. “Sorry.”

“Don’t be. I suspect you needed that more than you realized. A word of advice?” Cass nodded. “Know that Rebecca can handle you like this. She doesn’t always need you to be strong. I know she’s your, ahem, Mistress at times. But let her be there when you need her emotionally as well. She’s much stronger than we sometimes give her credit for. And she’s been through quite a bit in her life. Learn from her. Lean on her.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

Willamena rolled her eyes at the term. She always hated how old it made her feel no matter how silly it was. “Do you need to talk some more? I could push back my next appointment.”

“Nah, I’m good. I think. Thank you.”

“Anytime, dear.”

“Hey, Aunt Wills?” Cass was most likely going to regret this, but she had to know. Aunt Wills was an amazing woman with the patience of a saint. She proved that by listening to Cass spout obscenities and insecurities during her downtime. “Why aren’t you seeing anyone?”

“Who says I’m not?” Willamena winked at a dumbfounded Cass. “Goodbye, Cass. My love to Rebecca.”

With that, the connection was broken. Oh, Cass was so going to grill Rebecca on this one. But first things first. She took out her phone. After a quick search, she found the place Connor mentioned Rand being at. Her thumb hovered over the green call button for a long time before finally getting the nerve to press it. She made the appointment she had been avoiding, feeling a slight pressure leaving her chest.

The next call was a little more difficult. Despite what Aunt Wills had disclosed, Cass was nervous about Rebecca’s response to her call. As the line rang Cass’s doubt grew. Perhaps she should have given Rebecca more time to forgive Cass’s damn idiocy.

“Hi, baby.”

Taken aback by Rebecca’s sweet greeting, Cass faltered. “Um, hi. Am I interrupting anything?”

“No, I just finished the meeting. It was a waste of time, so I’m having an iced coffee to make it up to myself.”

Cass smiled picturing Rebecca at her favorite coffee shop. She’d be sitting by a window with the sunlight filtering in, making her blonde hair shine.

“Cassidy?”

“Oh, sorry, babe. Was just picturing you.” Cass suddenly wanted a paintbrush in her hand to capture the scene in her head. Even more, she wanted Rebecca home and in her arms. “Rebecca?”

“Still here.”

“Are you, um, coming home tonight?” She heard Rebecca sigh softly and Cass’s pulse spiked. Please say yes. Please say yes.

“Yes, baby. You’ve been frustrating lately, but that doesn’t mean I want to leave you.”

“’Kay. I’m really sorry about my attitude.”

“I know. And I know that you’ve been stressed out. This thing with Miranda came out at the worst possible time when you’re already under pressure with the gallery opening.”

“That’s not an excuse.” The background noise on Rebecca’s end changed from soft music and muted talking to traffic. I wonder where she’s going now.

“I’m not making excuses for you, Cassidy. I’m reminding myself what kind of toll this is taking on you.”

The beep of Rebecca’s Mercedes signaled she was now at her car. You can’t know the answers until you ask the questions. “Where are you headed now?” Cass asked as nonchalantly as she could.

Rebecca laughed quietly. “I’m coming home, Cassidy. I’m done for the day if you want to spend some time together.”

“Yes!” Okay, that was quite enthusiastic, but Cass didn’t care. “I was thinking about making you dinner.”

“Oh! That’s—I thought I would pick up some take-out and we can just relax. Maybe watch some movies?”

Cass laughed heartily. “I’m that bad, huh?”

“Only at cooking, babe.”

Oh, that flirtatious tone always got Cass’s juices flowing. Literally. “Take-out and movies sound perfect.”

“Thought so. Chinese okay?”

Cass heard the smile in Rebecca’s voice and it made her happy. “Anything you want, babe.”

THE COFFEE TABLEwas littered with containers filled with all of Cassidy’s favorites. The couple propped themselves on the couch, Rebecca with her legs tucked under her, Cassidy had her socked feet propped up on the table.

“Must you have your feet next to the food?”

“I’m not touching it.” Cass playfully wiggled her toes closer to the lo mein.

“You’re such a child,” Rebecca laughed.

“You weren’t saying that an hour ago.” Cass waggled her eyebrows suggestively and stuffed half an egg roll in her mouth. She didn’t care one iota that it wasn’t hot and fresh anymore. When Rebecca had arrived home, need overtook them both. Food was forgotten. Miranda was forgotten. Once again, all that existed was the two of them. It was fast and furious, but it was also loving. Cass allowed herself to submit and give all to Mistress and it felt amazing to let go. That burden she had been holding for the past couple of weeks lightened even more.

“Hmm, as I recall, you were saying a lot of “yes, ma’am’s” an hour ago.” Rebecca winked at her lover. She loved seeing this relaxed side of Cassidy again. She wasn’t foolish enough to think the issues were resolved or that there wouldn’t be more disagreements between them. Life wasn’t perfect. As long as they could work through them together, things would be okay.

“You got me there, Mistress.” Cass bumped Rebecca on the shoulder and fed her a mouthful of noodles. “Think we could talk a little instead of watching a movie?”

“Of course.” Rebecca had been waiting for this moment. She had sensed a change in Cassidy from the moment Cassidy called her.

“So, I, uh, called the hospital where Rand will be at. I’m going to talk to her. You know, closure and all.”

Rebecca raised her brows. “You talked to Aunt Wills, didn’t you?”

Cass shrugged. “Yeah. I should have talked to you…”

“Cassidy, it doesn’t matter who you talk to as long as you’re talking.” Rebecca put her hand over Cassidy’s. “And as long as you know I’m here and can handle it.”

“I think I understand that a little more now. Aunt Wills basically told me to let your experiences guide me.” She turned her hand over and linked her fingers with Rebecca’s. “I’m scared, Becca.”

“Of what, baby?”

“My anger towards her. Hating her for the rest of my life.” She looked over at Rebecca. “Do you still hate Samantha?”

Rebecca took a moment to think about her answer, then shook her head. “No. I learned long ago that holding onto that hate was hurting me as much as holding on to that guilt was. For some reason, the hate was easier to let go. Maybe that’s because she died, I don’t know.”

“I don’t want her to be dead. Rand, I mean. But a few days of this shit and I turned into a dick. I can’t do that to you or myself for the rest of our lives, babe. No more dickery. That’s what your aunt called it,” Cass smirked.

Rebecca laughed. “She did not!” Cassidy nodded emphatically. “She’s crazy. Don’t you dare tell her I said that!” Rebecca laid her head on Cassidy’s shoulder. “I think going to talk to Miranda will be good for you. Hard, but good.”

“What would you say to Samantha if you had the chance?”

“Nothing.” There was no hesitation this time. “I think the most honest she ever was with me was the night she almost killed me. I defied her, and she wanted to control me. Completely. If I wanted to understand her mindset, I could ask my aunt. But there’s nothing more I need from her.”

Cass contemplated that as she popped a dumpling in her mouth. “Think Rand will tell me why?”

“I think she’ll try to manipulate you,” Rebecca answered honestly. “She’ll blame everyone but herself. Don’t go in there thinking she’ll give you all the answers you’ll need, Cassidy.”

“Why should I go then?”

Rebecca turned just in time to see Cassidy eat another dumpling. Her seventh one, but who’s counting? Certainly not Cassidy when it came to calories. Lucky. “You go, not to hear what she has to say, baby, but to say what you need to say.”

“Will you go with me?”

Rebecca smiled, feathering Cassidy’s bangs off her face. “If that’s what you want. Would you like me to kick her ass, too?”

“Oh man! I would ask Eve for a loan to see that!” Cass laughed so hard she nearly choked on her dumpling.

“Make sure you save enough for my bail, darling.”

Cass crossed her heart in a silent promise as she ate more food. She caught Rebecca looking at her funny. “Wha?” she asked with a full mouth.

“You are such a bottomless pit!” Rebecca lifted Cassidy’s tank top revealing her six pack. “Seriously, where do you put it?”

Cass tapped her thighs. “Goes down my legs. I can eat so much because I’m tall.” She topped off her ridiculous statement with a cheeky grin.

“Oh my God! You’re insane!” Rebecca fell back on the couch, laughing hysterically.

Cass’s hand froze reaching for more food. “Insane? Did you just call me insane?” Cass grabbed Rebecca’s ankles and pulled her towards her, causing a shriek from her girlfriend. “Oh, no, no, no. What would Aunt Wills say? You’re going to have to apologize for that,” she said as she crawled on top of a still laughing Rebecca.

“Not a chance, weirdo.”

Cass tsked. “Weirdo? You know what that deserves, right?”

Rebecca’s eyes widened. “No! I’m sorry, Cassidy! Truly!”

“Nope. You had your opportunity, sweetheart. You must now face the consequences.”

“Please don’t, Cassidy. I’m begging you!”

“Mmm, I like it when you beg. But it’s not going to help you this time.”

“Cassidy!”

Cass began tickling Rebecca relentlessly. God, she loved the sound of that laughter. Whatever was wrong in the world could be fixed by the musicality of Rebecca’s laughter.

“Bet you’re sorry you called me names now.” Cass brought her mouth into the action by gleefully nibbling on Rebecca’s neck. Oh yeah, she knew all of Rebecca’s spots. The ones that turned her on and the ones that tickled her.

“Please!” Rebecca panted between giggles. “I have to pee!”

Cass immediately let up which turned out to be a huge mistake. Before she knew what happened, Rebecca had turned the tables on her. She was on her back and Rebecca was straddling her waist.

“You lied!” And I’m not minding it one single bit. Cass lifted her hips slightly.

“Slow down there, cowgirl. I didn’t lie. What do you say to cleaning this stuff up and going to bed?”

“Can we resume this position when we do?”

Rebecca smiled down at Cassidy. “No. I want you to make love to me. In order to do that, you need to be on top.” She leaned down, her lips close to Cassidy’s ear. “And when I say make love, I mean slowly, thoroughly, and more than once.”

Cass’s entire body shuddered with pleasure. It was on the tip of her tongue to say “yes, Mistress” but she instinctively knew that Mistress was not here now. “My pleasure, baby.”

“It’ll definitely be mine.” Rebecca gave Cassidy a satisfied smile. When she made a move to stand up, Cassidy caught her around the waist.

“Are you really selling your home?”

Rebecca chuckled. “You’d think a psychiatrist would be better at keeping secrets.” She kissed Cassidy gently. “This is my home, Cassidy.”

“I can sell, too. We can buy something…”

Rebecca kissed her girlfriend again to shut her up. “I like it here. Your studio is here. Your gym. The mermaid,” she smirked as she referred to the mural on the living room wall. The mermaid which now exhibited Rebecca’s face. “You’ve even given me my own space. It’s perfect.”

“You’re perfect,” Cass said dreamily. “Why didn’t you tell me? Was I being that much of a dick?”

“I wanted to surprise you. Remind me to thank my aunt, by the way.”

Cass smiled. “Don’t be too hard on her. She was pretty upset when she found out I didn’t know already. She even said,” Cass motioned for Rebecca to come closer. When she did, Cass whispered dramatically, “Crap!”

Rebecca snorted. “Dickery and crap. You’re influencing my very proper aunt, dear.” She pushed herself off Cassidy and began closing the containers that still held food.

“Me! Ha!” Cass helped by collecting empty containers. “Oh, and another thing, why didn’t you tell me she was seeing someone?”

Cass collided with Rebecca’s back when the smaller woman stopped.

“She’s what?”

Cass flicked a piece of rice off Rebecca’s chest. “Uh, seeing someone? I assumed you would know who.”

“No, I don’t. But I’m calling her tomorrow to find out.”

“Aww, man! Now she’s going to know I blabbed!”

“Serves her right for blabbing about my surprise for you.”