Becoming by Jourdyn Kelly

“HOW LONG AMI going to have to apologize for this, Hunter?” Rebecca tapped her fingernails on the table as she talked to her old friend on the phone.

“Until I decide to forgive you for disappearing,” Hunter replied with mirth.

“I didn’t just disappear. I had business to take care of,” Rebecca explained once again. It was the truth.

“You didn’t say goodbye, Becca. And, you’ve been gone for quite a while. Do you expect me to believe that something else wasn’t involved?”

Rebecca sighed because that was the truth, too. “You’re right. There are things I need to work out.”

“Things that you couldn’t have talked to me about?”

“It’s… complicated. I think I just needed to be near my aunt for a bit.”

“Yeah, okay. How much longer do you think you will be?”

It seemed the only time she genuinely smiled these days is when she talked to Hunter. The doctor who saved her that night so long ago continued to save her as her best friend. Though she found the doctor charming and beautiful, the two never became intimate. A fact that Rebecca was truly thankful for. Hunter’s friendship meant the world to her, and she wouldn’t dream of ruining that with sex. Besides, as Rebecca found out during one of their late-night conversations, Hunter was dealing with her own complicated situation.

“I don’t know, babe.” The reality was, Rebecca was getting restless. She didn’t know how long she could keep running away from what she was feeling. “I promise to let you know the minute I’m on my way back.”

“Do that. I’ll be visiting my folks this weekend, but I’m always available. You know that.”

Rebecca always had a bit of anxiety when Hunter went to visit her parents. Her “complicated situation” came in the form of a woman there that was no good for Hunter. She had no idea how deep those complications were. But seeing how much it hurt Hunter, Rebecca wished she could convince her friend to get rid of the problem permanently. But who was she to give relationship advice when she couldn’t handle her own shit? Even so, she kept trying. “I do. And, Hunter? Please try to stay away from Susan.”

There was a slight hesitation on the other end. “It’s been three months, Becca. I’m doing my best, I swear.”

That was all Rebecca could ask for. They said their goodbyes and Rebecca put her phone away just as a cup of tea was set in front of her.

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. Problems?” Rebecca’s companion took a seat next to her and sipped from her own tea.

“My weekly guilt-trip from a friend back in LA. She wonders why I’m here and when I’m coming home.”

“Hmm. Not that I don’t enjoy your company, but why are you here?”

Rebecca cautiously took a drink of her tea. “If I recall, Eve, you asked for my help.”

Eve Sumptor-Riley was one of those women you either love or hate. Rebecca found herself on the side of the former when, after a consulting job a few years ago, they formed a working relationship. Over time, that turned into a lasting friendship. Yes, their analytical minds caused occasional head-butting, but all-in-all, the two women got along beautifully. So, when Eve called her to help out with a new art gallery she was opening in LA, Rebecca didn’t hesitate to say yes.

It was the reason she had left Cassidy the first time. Rebecca flew to New York to meet with Eve and ultimately agreed to assist her with a business plan and vet new employees. With Eve being a savvy businesswoman herself, Rebecca reveled in the challenge. While she did most of the heavy lifting on the business end, Eve and her associate Lainey were able to focus on the talent that would fill the gallery.

“I did,” Eve acknowledged with a smile. “However, when you came here that first time weeks ago, we had determined that you being in LA near the gallery would be more beneficial.”

“I can do the job from anywhere.” Rebecca pushed a file towards Eve as evidence. “I found your curator, didn’t I?”

Eve chuckled. “Lauren sounds perfect and I can’t wait to meet her. But, that doesn’t answer my question. I know you, Rebecca. You haven’t been yourself since you’ve been here.”

Rebecca breathed in the crisp New York air. They sat at a small café near Sumptor Gallery, NY, in a rare quiet moment. Though Eve was inundated with opening a new gallery, running multiple businesses, and even her own personal turmoil, she remained perceptive of everything going on around her. If Rebecca thought she could get anything past the astute woman, she was severely mistaken.

“I made a mistake, Eve.”

Eve leaned forward, giving Rebecca her full attention. The absolute beauty and power that radiated from the woman never ceased to amaze Rebecca. Or catch her off-guard at the oddest of moments. The one thing that kept Rebecca from ever being attracted to Eve was the fact that everyone thought they were sisters. Well, that and Eve was completely in love with someone else.

“I’m listening.”

Rebecca took a breath, letting it out slowly. It was a pathetic stall for time, but it allowed her to find the words.

“I met someone. She walked into my club, and no matter how hard I tried to resist her,” she paused, thinking of how her body seemed to act of its own accord when it came to Cassidy. “I gave her a card. An invitation to my room.”

Eve’s eyebrows raised slightly. “I thought you had given that up.”

“I had. Have. But, I needed to be near her.”

“I can understand that feeling,” Eve said with a touch of melancholy.

“I know you can. I wish that…”

“No, Rebecca. Don’t try to distract me with my own problems. I do that enough these days. Go on. This woman accepted your invitation, I presume.”

Damn it, Rebecca sighed. “Yes, unfortunately. Or, fortunately depending on how you look at it.”

“And, how do you look at it?”

“I don’t know,” Rebecca answered honestly. “On the one hand, it was the most incredible sex I’ve ever had.”

“Sex?” Eve interrupted with surprise. “I was under the impression that sex was never an option in that room.”

“Your impression is right. It isn’t.”

“But with this woman everything is different,” Eve guessed.

“Yes.”

“And, on the other hand?” Eve prompted when Rebecca remained quiet.

“Hmm? Oh, right. The unfortunate part.” Rebecca absent-mindedly turned her teacup in circles on the table. “She’s young. Very young. I should have left her alone.” The last part was said quietly, almost to herself.

“How young are we talking?” Eve asked.

“Twenty-five.”

Eve hummed and sat back in her chair. “That is young. However, she’s old enough to know what she’s doing.”

“I could be her mother, Eve.”

Eve chuckled. “Perhaps. If you started early enough. But is age really the biggest factor here? I can’t see you being this troubled by someone who is immature.”

“She’s not. It’s not that.” She groaned in frustration. “It’s the combination of that, the sex, the emotions. It’s too much.”

“So, you ran.”

Rebecca couldn’t be upset with the truth, and the fact that Eve’s eyes held compassion told her that Eve wasn’t judging her.

“I ran.”

“May I ask, which one of those things was the mistake? The invitation, the sex, the emotions, or the running?”

Rebecca let out a mirthless laugh. “All of the above?”

“Are you asking or telling?”

“I should have left her alone.”

“So you’ve said. What I would like to know is why you feel that way.”

Rebecca closed her eyes. This was what she was trying to figure out in her head. In her heart. Why it hurt so much to be with Cassidy. And why it hurt, even more, to be away. She had been with the woman twice. It shouldn’t be like this. Walking away should have been easy and painless. Yet, here she was.

“She wasn’t a fan of the lifestyle,” Rebecca began. “She doesn’t like being told what to do.”

“I’m guessing you changed her mind.”

Distraught eyes looked up at Eve. “She’s young. Impressionable. Just like I was.”

Comprehension lit in Eve’s eyes. “With Samantha.”

Rebecca nodded. “Cassidy is not immature, but there’s a naiveté to her. She deserves more.”

“More than what? You?”

“Yes. What if I turn out to be like her, Eve?”

“Like Samantha?” Rebecca nodded again, and Eve reached out to take her hands in hers. “Oh, honey, that’s what this is about? You are nothing like that monster. You must know that.”

“I convinced Cassidy to do things, Eve. Things even I have never done before.”

“Convinced her or offered and she said yes? You are projecting your fears from your past onto your present.”

“You sound like my aunt,” Rebecca muttered.

“Well, she is a good therapist. Perhaps you should think about having some sessions with her.”

“I do. Once, sometimes twice a week,” she smirked.

“Show-off,” Eve laughed.

“To be honest, I haven’t told her that, yet. I’ve been trying to work things out in my head before I get her involved. She knows about Cassidy and how old she is, but that’s about it.” She eyed Eve with a smirk. “She says hi, by the way. And that she misses you.”

Eve rolled her eyes playfully. “I don’t know if it’s a blessing or a curse having a friend whose aunt is my therapist.”

“A blessing, of course,” Rebecca winked.

“Mmhmm. It has only been a couple of weeks, but I will go see her. Soon.” Eve studied Rebecca silently for a moment. “May I ask you something?”

“Of course.”

“Have you thought of this Cassidy since you’ve been here?”

“Only every day,” Rebecca answered honestly.

“Do you miss her?”

“Only every day,” she whispered.

“Then go home, Rebecca.”

“What’s the point, Eve? We spent two days together. No, mere hours. It’s ridiculous that I even feel this way. We don’t even know each other. Besides, she’s probably forgotten about me and moved on. As she should.”

“First, I know you, Rebecca. No one steps into your club without you learning everything there is to learn about them. And, second, knowing you as I do, it’s safe to say you affected her as much as she affected you.”

Rebecca shook her head even as she hoped that what Eve said was true. Believing that Cassidy still thought about her gave her hope. And anxiety. Wow. I could do with a session right now. “I don’t know about that. And Cassidy was a guest of another member. I didn’t do a full workup on her. Her age, her finances, her friends. Basic information that doesn’t tell me what she likes or dislikes. It doesn’t tell me if we’re compatible anywhere other than in bed. Don’t you think that’s important?”

“What I think is important is that you found someone who made you feel something pretty remarkable after everything you’ve been through,” Eve answered gently. “It doesn’t have to take weeks, months, or years to recognize that.” She looked away, a wistfulness in her eyes. “Regret is a bitter pill to swallow, Rebecca. Fear causes you to make extremely regrettable decisions. Even if you think you’re doing the right thing.”

This time it was Rebecca who reached for Eve’s hand in compassion. She knew of Eve’s past. The horrors that she had been through. She also knew that Eve gave up the one person she was in love with in order to “do the right thing.” If Rebecca felt this despondent about a woman she barely knew, she could only imagine what Eve was feeling.

“You can change things, Eve.”

Eve brought her gaze back to Rebecca. “You have no idea how much I wish that were true. There are too many obstacles. Too many lives that can be destroyed.”

“So, you sacrifice your own happiness?”

Eve shrugged. “It was the choice I made. One I have to live with until…” She cleared her throat, obviously not comfortable with where the conversation was going. “This thing you feel for Cassidy? Go home and explore it while you have a chance. While there are no other obstacles standing in your path. I understand your fears, Rebecca, more than anyone. But the ‘what-ifs’ will be even worse. I promise you that.”

From her peripheral, Rebecca saw the object of Eve’s happiness and sorrow. Judging by the not-so-happy look that was being directed at her, the fact that Rebecca was holding Eve’s hand was not appreciated. Rebecca squeezed the hand in hers before letting it go and standing up.

“Lainey,” Rebecca smiled, going in for a hug that was readily returned. She and Lainey had gotten to know each other much better over the past couple of years. The quiet woman was kind, intelligent, beautiful, talented… and married with children. She was also just as in love with Eve as Eve was with her. It made her situation feel tame in comparison.

“Hello, Rebecca.”

Lainey smiled warmly, though Rebecca could see the tension behind those green eyes.

“Please, take my seat. I was just leaving.”

“Not on my account, I hope.”

“Of course not,” Rebecca smiled at both of her friends. “I need to make arrangements to go back home. Of course, that means breaking the news to my aunt. She’s gotten pretty used to me being here.”

Lainey laughed as she took the seat Rebecca vacated. “You have your work cut out for you.” She absently picked up Eve’s tea and lifted it in a salute. “Here’s hoping she doesn’t bring out her notebook.”

Rebecca watched as Lainey sipped from Eve’s cup. She was sure it was as second nature to her as breathing. But Rebecca found something acutely intimate about the gesture.

“Take the jet,” Eve offered as she smiled at Lainey.

“It really is nice having a friend with a private plane,” Rebecca chuckled. Actually, it was an offer Rebecca rarely refused. Anytime she could fly in style was an enjoyable time. And, now I’m thinking about Cassidy being in that jet with me. Great.

“Yes, it is.”

Rebecca was sure Lainey’s thoughts of being in a private jet with Eve were along the lines of hers with Cassidy. She wished she could do something to help her friends. Unfortunately, she didn’t even know what to do to help herself.

“Thank you for the kick in the ass,” she said to Eve. Noticing Lainey’s confused look, she added, “I’m sure Eve will fill you in when I leave.”

“Only with your permission,” Eve assured.

“You have it.”

“Are you going to take my advice?”

Rebecca thought for a moment. “I don’t know. But, at least I’m taking the first step.”

Eve nodded her approval. “If you need anything, you know where to find me.” She laid her hand on the folder Rebecca had given her earlier. “Thank you for this and everything else you’ve done for Sumptor Galleries.”

“It’s been a welcome distraction. I’ll see you both in LA before the opening, I’m sure.”

“Absolutely. Good luck, Rebecca.”

REBECCA WALKED ALONGthe sidewalk, occasionally stopping to look at the cute merchandise the outdoor marketers were hawking. It was the first time she had actually been out since moving back home two weeks ago. Yes, she knew full well that she was being a coward—again—but she couldn’t bring herself to go to the club just yet. Fear of not seeing Cassidy there was just as bad as the fear she would.

What would she say? How would she act? Would Cassidy even want anything to do with her anymore? Then there was the fact that Rebecca still didn’t feel worthy without the mask. As intelligent and successful as Rebecca was, she felt incredibly inept when it came to matters of the heart. Why do I feel this way about someone I barely know?What is it about Cassidy Giles that makes me want more?

Rebecca was so completely preoccupied with her thoughts that she didn’t see the other person coming right towards her. When they collided, Rebecca immediately began to apologize for being distracted.

“I’m so sorry, I wasn’t…”

“I’m sorry…” Rebecca gasped when she looked up into the bicolored eyes she had thought about so often. “Cassidy.” No! I’m not ready! Not like this! Not as Rebecca!

“M—um. You’re back.”

Cassidy looked as shocked as Rebecca felt. She probably hates me. “Y-yes.”

“How long?”

Two weeks, but I’ve been too much of a coward to seek you out.Rebecca shrugged apprehensively. I wish I had dressed more appropriately. She almost laughed out loud at the thought. How could she have known that she’d run into the one person that could bring her to her knees? What was she supposed to do? Wear a bustier and mask everywhere?

“I’ve been back to the club a few times.”

Jealousy coursed through Rebecca. She forced herself not to ask about… clients while she had been away. There were just some things she didn’t want to know. Now, as Cassidy stood in front of her looking amazingly sexy in dark, ripped blue jeans and a low-cut V-neck tee, Rebecca needed to know. She lifted a brow.

“Find someone that will give you what you need?” Okay, that came out a little more resentful than Rebecca meant.

“No. You weren’t there. I looked for you. Hoped you would come back.”

Rebecca’s heart ached at Cassidy’s honesty. “I should go.”

“What is your name?” Cassidy asked quickly. Sounding almost desperate.

Rebecca looked away. Giving her name meant she would have to step out from behind the mask completely. Insecurities embedded so deep in her psyche bubbled up, making it impossible to answer.

“Did I mean anything to you at all?”

So much more than you know. More than should be possible.

“You know,” Cassidy continued angrily, “when you told me not to fall in love with you? There was only one problem with that, Mistress. You said it a little too late.”

Rebecca was stunned. She knew Cassidy was attracted to her. She knew that there was more going on than just sex in the Pink room. But, falling in love? So quickly? Don’t pretend you don’t know what she’s talking about, Rebecca scolded herself silently. You know what you feel is more than just physical attraction. You don’t have to understand it, but you damn well need to own it.

“Rebecca,” she called out timidly as Cassidy marched away. The younger woman stopped but didn’t turn to face Rebecca.

“What?”

“My name is Rebecca.”

Slowly, Cassidy finally turned to face her, speechless.

“Not what you were expecting, is it?” Rebecca asked sardonically. It wasn’t exotic. It wasn’t a name that fit Mistress’s persona. However, right here and now? It’s who she was.

“It’s beautiful,” Cassidy says sincerely as she took a step towards Rebecca.

“It’s normal.”

Cassidy frowned. “It suits you.”

“Not when I’m behind the mask. People assume I have some erotic name that goes with that persona. I don’t.”

“I’m glad you don’t.”

For some reason, Rebecca believed Cassidy.

“Why?”

Rebecca frowned this time, tilting her head in question.

“Why the club? The mask?”

“That’s a long story, Cassidy.” And one that will surely scare you away.

“I have all the time in the world. Rebecca.”

Rebecca’s breath hitched hearing her name come from Cassidy’s lips. There was no demand, no plea. Just a quiet offering to listen.

Cassidy gestured to a bench across the way. “Sit with me?”

If you sit with her, you have to tell her the truth, Rebecca. All of it. Are you ready for that? Perhaps this was her out. Cassidy could never love someone who did what Rebecca had done. With a heavy sigh full of dread, Rebecca nodded. She followed Cassidy, and settled in on the bench, tucking one leg under her.

“What do you want to know?” she asked warily.

Cassidy faced her. “Everything.”

Rebecca shook her head. Everything. Be careful what you wish for, Cassidy Giles. You may regret this. So could I.

“I used to be a Sub,” she began quietly. Rebecca then did something she wished she didn’t have to do. If she had any hope at all of getting to know Cassidy better—as Rebecca—she would have to tell Cassidy about her past. About Samantha, about the club, about how she stayed despite the pain, about the drug use. But could Rebecca have the courage to tell Cassidy everything?

Cassidy listened intently, only leaving once to get them both something to drink. Well, at least she came back. Cassidy asked questions, made comments, but never once judged. It was better than Rebecca could have hoped for.

“Where is she now?”

“Dead.” Rebecca’s tone was emotionless, and she noticed the shock on Cassidy’s face. “You’re wondering if I killed her. I can see the question written all over your face, Cassidy. Do you think I’m capable of that?”

“I think everyone is capable if pushed to their limit, Rebecca. But I didn’t think… I mean, I just…”

Rebecca smiled at a flustered Cassidy. She’s cute when she’s flustered. “I know. The thing is, I’m not sure if I can say I didn’t kill her.”

Cassidy frowned. “I don’t understand.”

“The official cause of death was an overdose. Samantha liked to party. Hard. Everything she did was over the top. Drinking, drugs… me.” She fidgeted, hating that she had to think about all of this.

“Did she make you?”

Cassidy didn’t finish her question, but Rebecca understood what she was asking. “I never did drugs, Cassidy. That’s one thing I could be grateful for. Samantha was a very selfish person, especially with things that gave her pleasure. That night was no different than any other. She came home already high and wanting more. She liked having me watch her shoot up. It made her feel powerful to let me know that I was not ‘worthy enough’ to participate.”

“Do you think that by watching, you killed her?”

Rebecca was impressed with Cassidy’s intuition. “I felt nothing when she died. There was no remorse.” She swirled the water in her bottle and was mesmerized by the tiny twister that formed. You’ve been honest so far, may as well keep going. “Actually, that’s not true. I did feel one thing. Relief.”

It didn’t quite answer Cassidy’s question, but at least it was the truth.

“With everything she put you through, I think that’s normal.”

“Is it normal to sit there and watch her take her last breath?” Rebecca asked quietly. She took a chance and looked up at Cassidy. “After she took that last hit, she became more and more agitated, which she took out on me. She kept screaming at me that I was cheating on her, that there was someone hiding in our bedroom. If she wasn’t searching, she was hitting me. Then it all just stopped. Samantha raised her hand to hit me again and just froze. Convulsions started, she began to get sick.”

Rebecca shuddered at the memory. Then she felt the warmth of Cassidy’s touch on her arm. That simple touch felt like a balm on her soul and gave her the bravery to continue.

“I could have called the ambulance, Cassidy. I could have called 911, and maybe she would still be alive. But, I stood there, bloodied, watching her suffer, and I couldn’t.”

“I don’t blame you, Rebecca. She did this to herself. She doesn’t deserve your guilt.”

It wasn’t just blithe comments. They were an absolution to Rebecca. Perhaps one that she didn’t deserve.

“Those are easy words to say, Cassidy.”

“I know, but it’s true.”

Rebecca gave Cassidy a small shrug. “Fortunately for me, you weren’t the only one that feels that way.”

“You found someone you were able to trust?”

As steady as Cassidy’s voice was, Rebecca thought she detected a note of jealousy. Or, perhaps she was just hoping that Cassidy would care enough to have wanted to be the one to save her. It was a silly notion, of course.

“I don’t know about trust, but he’s a cop. And he knew Samantha did drugs. He always looked the other way because she gave him free access to the club.” She didn’t know why she didn’t tell the exact truth then. Maybe she didn’t want Cassidy to know that it was Rebecca that gave him a free pass. That would be admitting that she let Samantha get away with so much more.

“Wait, he’s a cop and he didn’t protect you?” Cassidy asked angrily.

“He didn’t know about that, Cassidy. I never said anything. Not until that night, and then it was only because there was no way for me to hide it from him. Not after what she did to me. It’s why he agreed to help me and wrote in the report that I had called him, but he was unable to resuscitate Samantha when he arrived.”

Cassidy shook her head. “But that’s all true from what you’re telling me. She overdosed, you called him, she was already gone. Clear case.”

Rebecca tilted her head, eyeing Cassidy. “Are you a lawyer?”

Cassidy’s chuckle was a much-needed sound after the conversation they were having. “No, but my dad is. I’ve listened to him discuss cases enough to know the basics.”

“I see. And, what do you do?” Rebecca asked, hoping to veer the conversation in a different direction.

Cassidy’s eyebrow flinched, and Rebecca suspected Cassidy saw right through her little ruse.

“We can discuss that later. We were talking about you.”

Though the thought of spending more time with Cassidy was tempting, Rebecca became weary of discussing more of her problems. Surely, they would be too much at some point. “Aren’t you tired of hearing my problems?”

“I could never be tired of you.”

Cassidy continued to surprise Rebecca. “I don’t know about that, Cassidy. I’m pretty boring behind the mask.”

Cassidy leaned closer. “You took the mask off for me. There was nothing boring about you, Rebecca. Or do you not remember our time together?”

Rebecca closed her eyes and breathed in deeply. Every single second of their time together was burned into her brain. Her body could never forget the things Cassidy did. The memory of that brought tears to her eyes.

“I remember.”