My Ten-Year Crush by Olivia Spring

Chapter Eighteen

‘Ithink we’re there. You’ve nailed it, Bells.’

My shoulders loosened. That was a relief. We’d worked on the CV until eleven last night, when Mike had had to leave to catch the train and tube back to the flat in North London that he was renting. Then after spending the morning studying, I’d gone over it again—rewriting, rejigging and tweaking.

After Mike arrived around 2 p.m., he made some more suggestions, and now, a few hours later, it was looking so much better.

‘Thanks! Seriously, I really, really appreciate your help. Especially on a day like this. Sorry for cooping you up in my flat when you could be out enjoying the sunshine.’

‘Don’t worry about it.’

I did feel bad. It would’ve taken him at least an hour and a half to travel home yesterday and he’d trekked here again today. Would have been so much easier if he’d stayed over. I’d thought about asking when I went to see him out and he gave me a big hug which lingered for longer than what might be considered normal, but I’d chickened out.

‘It’s still sunny, though, so if we’re quick, we can take advantage. Fancy coming for a walk? I need to stretch my legs and get some fresh air.’

‘Love to!’

‘Great! I’ll just go and change.’

Mike was already dressed for the weather, wearing a pair of khaki shorts and a vest top. I’d almost fainted when I’d seen him at my front door. He was casually holding a shirt over his shoulder, which only accentuated the shape and tone of his bulging biceps, and it was very distracting. He was gorgeous.

I put on a yellow maxi dress and slipped into some strappy sandals before we set off.

I knew exactly where I wanted to take him.

We walked along the busy high street all the way down until we reached Streatham Common, passing sunbathers, picnickers and a group of people playing football on the grass. As we turned the corner, there it was: the Rookery. It was a pretty landscaped area within the Common that had an ornamental pond, beautiful flowerbeds and a rock garden with streams.

‘This is pretty cool.’ Mike’s eyes widened. ‘It’s like a little secret garden.’

‘Yeah. It’s been here for I think close to a hundred years, but can you believe I only discovered it recently? It’s so pretty.’

‘It is. That’s the thing I love about London. We have so many beautiful parks. It’s unlike so many other cities.’

‘Definitely. What did you miss most when you were travelling?’

‘Hmmm…’ Mike paused. ‘To be honest, apart from a handful of people, not much. Occasionally I’d get food cravings, you know, for things like baked beans or custard creams, silly things like that, but the pros of travelling outweighed that by miles. I enjoy trying new things and prefer to focus on making sure I live life as much as possible. I’m just lucky to be here…’ Mike hung his head.

‘Do you mean in general, or something specific?’ I frowned. Mike had often made references like that, but never elaborated. His eyes looked glassy and I wondered if somehow I’d struck a nerve.

‘Shall we sit?’ He pointed to the wooden bench. ‘There’s something I think I should tell you.’

We went and sat down, and I turned to face him. Mike took a deep breath. My heart thudded, wondering what it was he had to say. It seemed serious.

‘Do you remember I mentioned I was ill when I was seventeen?’

‘Yeah, you had to take a few months off when you were at college and worked really hard to catch up?’

‘That’s right. Well…’ He exhaled deeply. ‘I’ve never really told anyone outside of my family this before, but it wasn’t just an illness. I was involved in a serious car accident.’

‘I didn’t realise that. What happened?’

‘I went out with a group of friends. Kev had just got his first car, so invited me and three other guys for a trip to Manchester. We’d planned to go there for the night and try and get into a few clubs. But Kev got a bit too excited, started speeding and…’ Mike’s voice cracked. ‘He—well, the car crashed and everyone except me died.’

‘Oh my God!’ I gasped. Mike was trying to stay strong, but I could see his eyes watering. I threw my arms around him and squeezed tight. ‘I am so sorry. I can’t even begin to imagine how horrendous that must have been.’

Mike wrapped his arms around my back and rested his head on my shoulder. After a few minutes, he gently pulled away. His eyes were red and his face was pale. I squeezed his hands. It was so hard to know what to say.

‘Yeah.’ He broke the silence and wiped his eyes. ‘It was pretty rough.’ I reached in my bag, pulled out a tissue and handed it to him.

‘A tragedy like that happening would be hard to deal with at any age, but at seventeen? I have no idea how you managed to pull yourself through.’

‘I struggled for a long time. I still do. The grief was indescribable. I was just a kid. Up until then, no one close to me had died. Then, bang, all of my best friends were gone. Wiped out. Just like that. One minute we’re driving down the motorway, music blaring, excited about being on our way to a new city, and the next I’m waking up in hospital with tubes coming out of me, my parents in tears, wondering if I’d survive.’

‘Jesus. Grieving for one friend would be bad enough, but losing four?’ I rubbed Mike’s shoulder, then wrapped my arm around him again. Listening to this made my heart crumble.

‘It wasn’t just the grief, Bells.’ He dabbed the tissue over his damp cheeks. ‘I was just completely overcome with the guilt. I kept questioning why I’d survived and not them. It was so hard looking their parents in the eyes. Knowing that they must be thinking the same. I mean, all of us had bright futures ahead of us, so why me? Kev was going to become a professional football player. He was so talented. Dwayne wanted to be a doctor. And he would have done it too. He was always so kind and thoughtful. Some days I wished I could just swap places with them.’

‘That’s terrible. I know it’s hard, but you can’t blame yourself. I really believe that you survived for a reason.’

‘I believe that too… now. Took a while, though. For the first few months I couldn’t even get out of bed. As you said, I was in my last year of college, but I couldn’t even think about studying for A levels. It just felt so insignificant in comparison to what I’d been through. But then my dad had a word with me. Asked me if I thought this was what they’d want. Said that the best way to honour my mates would be to live my life. That I owed it to them and myself to make the most of this gift of surviving that I’d been given. So the next day, I dragged my arse out of bed, went to college, spoke to all my teachers and asked them to help me catch up.’

‘That was so brave of you.’

‘I didn’t see it as brave. I just didn’t want to let my friends down. To be honest, I didn’t think I’d be able to cram almost a whole year’s worth of work into just a few months, but my tutors and the college were really understanding and supportive. They’d lost four of their brightest students too, so they wanted to help. They put me in touch with a counsellor, who I started seeing, which helped a lot, and thanks to everyone’s support, somehow I did it.’

‘You more than did it.You aced it. Three A levels—all A’s, wasn’t it?’

‘Yeah.’ He shrugged his shoulders. ‘Before the accident, I didn’t believe in all that afterlife stuff, but getting those grades under the circumstances seemed like a miracle. It kind of felt like they were all there with me during the exams and coursework. Like angels sitting on my shoulder. Helping me.’

‘That’s a really lovely way to look at it, Mike.’

‘Actually, I feel like they’re always there. Guiding me. And I know that’s why I’ve always done the things I have. It’s why I wanted to travel the world. Why I never stayed in one place for too long. I suppose knowing how short life is, I’ve been afraid to stand still.’

Aha. So much started to make sense.

‘That’s understandable. I think you should be really proud of what you’ve achieved and all the things that you’ve done. I know your friends definitely would be.’

‘Thanks. It hasn’t been easy. I still think about them every single day, and ask myself whether I’m doing enough.’

‘I get why you’d do that, but try not to be too hard on yourself. Remember, you’re still human. You can’t expect to do amazing things all the time. After what you’ve been through, sometimes getting out of bed and putting one foot in front of the other should be seen as a win. Making them proud isn’t just about putting yourself on a treadmill, racing from one achievement to the next. Sometimes it’s just enough to do whatever makes you happy. That could be as simple as taking a walk, like today.’

‘You’re right. And this has been nice. Thanks for listening. It’s not easy to talk about something like this. And I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before. It was just, at college, because everyone knew, they either tiptoed around me or ignored me because they didn’t know what to say. Uni was a fresh start. No one knew my past and I wanted to keep it that way. I didn’t want other people’s pity or to be reminded of the worst memory in my life. Does that make sense?’

‘It does.’

‘Even now I don’t like talking about it with my family. Because it happened almost fifteen years ago, I feel like they’ll just think I should be over it by now.’

‘I wish I could tell you that you’ll wake up one day and all the pain will be gone, but I don’t think that’s true. Sometimes it helps to just get your feelings off your chest. So if ever you need to talk about it, I’m here.’

‘Thanks.’ Mike strained a smile. ‘Talking about it, telling you felt right today. I’m already feeling a bit better. You always were a good listener, Bells.’

‘It was all part of your premium best friend package.’

‘Well, I’m so glad I signed up for it!’ His face brightened. ‘I’ve really missed this. I’ve missed us…’ Mike reached out and stroked my cheek. My pulse quickened and my knees felt weak. Any form of physical contact with him had always driven me crazy.

‘Me too. More than you know.’

I really had. Everything was always so easy between us. We could talk about everything without judgement. Of course, there was just one thing that we’d never really spoken about properly, but now definitely wasn’t the time.

‘Hold on…’ Mike pulled his hand away and looked down on it. He scanned his thighs then glanced up at the sky. ‘Did I feel… is that rain?’

I touched my bare shoulders and looked down on the ground.

‘Yep, looks like it.’

‘That’s one thing I haven’t missed about being back in London: the weather. How is it that it was just beautifully sunny and hot less than half an hour ago and now the sky looks like it’s about to erupt?’

‘Now that’s a question that every Brit asks what feels like almost every day.’

As the rain began pelting down, I cursed myself, wondering how I could have made the mistake of leaving home without either an umbrella or a coat. I never did that. I was clearly distracted.

‘Here.’ Mike untied his shirt from around his waist and put it over my shoulders. ‘Take this.’

‘Are you sure?’

‘Of course. I’m not sure how much it’s going to help you, but it’s worth a try. Come on. We’d better get out of here.’

We ran out of the Rookery, over the Common and onto Streatham High Road. The rain had now become a full-blown storm. I could feel the water swooshing inside my sandals and I was completely soaked through.

We crossed the road and headed to a bus stop, but it was already crammed with people all huddled underneath the shelter. There was no room for us and not a single bus in sight. The mini-cab office was halfway up the road, and no doubt there would be a queue of people waiting.

‘I can’t believe this!’ I pulled Mike’s shirt over my head. My curls were already drenched, but I had to try and do something.

‘We’ve got two options. Find somewhere to shelter and wait until it stops, or make a run for it back to your place. What do you reckon?’

‘Neither option is that appealing, to be honest, but maybe we can attempt to make a run for it? Who knows how long the rain will last.’

‘Agreed.’

‘Although, saying that, I’m not sure how far or fast I’ll be able to run in these sandals. Feels like I’m trying to run through a river right now.’

‘Fear not, m’lady.’ Mike put on a posh accent. ‘I shall carry you.’

‘What?’

‘Consider it part of your premium best friend package.’ He winked. ‘Hop on.’ He scooped me up in his arms and put me over his shoulder. ‘The Mike Express is ready to depart.’

Even though the rain was coming down hard and I felt like a cold, drowned rat, with every step Mike took, my heart soared. It was like I was a character in some sort of romantic film, where the hero sweeps up the damsel in distress. As a strong, independent woman, I knew I should tell myself that I didn’t need to be rescued, but I had to admit, I was absolutely loving this. Having Mike’s arms wrapped around me, my feet being protected from the giant puddles on the pavements, the closeness between us, feeling the heat from his body and the sensation of his heart beating so fast, all felt like the sweetest thing in the world.

Just when we were minutes away from my road, a bus sped past, causing a big dirty puddle to rise like an enormous wave and soak us in the process.

‘Crap!’ I screamed as the water hit my skin. ‘As if we weren’t wet enough already!’ Mike just laughed. ‘How can you be so cool about it? You’re carrying me in the rain and now we’re covered in muddy puddle water.’

‘It’s only water.’ He shrugged. ‘We’ll be fine.’

He was right. After the devastating news he’d just shared with me, I understood why Mike didn’t sweat the small stuff. Getting soaked was so insignificant in comparison.

Mike turned the corner, and seconds later we were walking down the pathway to my building.

‘Got your keys?’ Mike lifted me from his shoulder, moving me across his body so he was now cradling me. That made it much easier for me to reach into my bag.

I unzipped the pocket compartment and fished them out.

‘Yep. Got them. You can put me down now if you want.’

‘Nope. Only once I’ve delivered you safely inside.’

I wasn’t going to argue. I was enjoying every second.

Once my flat door had been opened, Mike put me carefully down onto the floor, then stretched his arms back and forth.

‘Thanks again. That’s your workout for the rest of the year done now.’

‘Not really. You were pretty easy to carry.’

‘Suppose it helps having such big muscles.’ I reached out and squeezed them.

Ooops.

That was the kind of thing I was supposed to imagine doing in my head rather than do in real life. Totally inappropriate.

‘Sorry… I didn’t mean to…’

‘No need. I like you touching me…’ Mike’s eyes darkened. I looked at him and shivered. Partly from the cold water running down me, but mainly from the way his words sent sparks through my body.

There he was. Standing in my hallway, soaking wet. His muscles glistening with the droplets of water sliding down them slowly. Completely drenched, his wet vest clung to his chest and I could see every groove of his six-pack through the damp fabric too. Mike said he liked me touching him and that was exactly what I wanted to do. Rip off his clothes right now and run my hands over every inch of him.

Mike sneezed loudly and it brought me back to my senses. I shouldn’t be thinking about things like that after what he’d just shared with me.

‘Are you okay?’ I asked.

‘I’m fine. Honestly. Don’t worry. I just had a moment, that’s all.’

I accepted his response and promised myself to leave it at that. He’d kept it a secret before because he didn’t want people tiptoeing or pitying him, so I had to make sure I didn’t do that. If Mike wanted to talk more about it, he would.

‘You need to get out of those clothes before you catch pneumonia. If you go in the bathroom and call me once you’re in the shower and behind the curtain, I’ll get your clothes and put them in the machine. I don’t have a dryer, but if I turn the heating on, it shouldn’t take too long to dry.’

‘Sure you don’t want to go first?’

‘No, no. I’ll get your clothes sorted whilst you’re in the shower and try and find something for you to put on whilst they’re drying. I’ll bring you a fresh towel too.’

‘Thanks, Bells.’

Just minutes later, Mike called out. I knocked on the bathroom door to double-check the coast was clear, then entered. I could see the outline of Mike’s body behind the white shower curtain and my knees turned to jelly. Behind that flimsy sheet of material, he was fully naked, in all of his glory. What I wouldn’t give to see that…

I whipped his vest, shorts, socks and boxer shorts from the floor and quickly left the room. It was getting harder and harder to push these kinds of thoughts out of my mind. And after his comment about him not minding me touching him, I was definitely starting to believe that he was having them too.

Although it seemed like it could be mutual, there was still that tiny percentage of doubt niggling away at me. If I was wrong, the rejection would be too painful and embarrassing. And with two weeks of the course still left, I couldn’t risk it. Imagine how awkward the lessons would be.

No.

Even though I really, really wanted to make a move or at least say something, I couldn’t. This time I had to keep my feelings to myself.