Big Boy by Skyler Snow
I staredat the closed door and jumped when I heard a loud thump and swearing outside of it. Samuel was gone by the time I peered out of the peephole; only the empty white hallway greeting me. I pushed away from the door and continued to stare at it as I tried to make sense of everything that had just happened.
Samuel's face when I yelled at him resurfaced and my heart clenched painfully. Shit. I shouldn't have screamed at him like that, but seeing him going through my food journal had unleashed all of my rage. That was private, shameful, horrible. I didn't want anyone to know that I was...was...
Fucked up. Pathetic. Weak. And now he knows. I can never see him again.
What was he thinking about me now? I was the lunatic who had decided to yell at him and that was after he found out about my dirty little secret. Misery settled into my stomach like a stone and I gripped it until my nails caused sharp pin pricks of pain to blossom on my flesh.
I opened my eyes and didn't even realize that I had closed them in the first place. They watered, but I wouldn't allow myself to shed a single tear. Why would I? It was only going to make my situation even more pathetic.
Sucking in a sharp, raspy breath, I shoved my shoulders back and held my head up high. I wasn't going to be this person. No matter what I was or what I struggled with, I wasn't going to cry about it. What the fuck did tears ever solve? Nothing, that's what.
I turned away from the front door and it felt like such a finality. Would I really never see Samuel again? The thought made my skin itch as if fire ants had burrowed underneath it, but I tried to push all thoughts of the sweet, caring man out of my brain. If he wouldn't have wanted me before, he definitely didn't want me now.
The kitchen was still full of the meal that he was preparing. I turned off the chicken, waving a hand at the thick, acrid smoke that wafted up from the now burnt pan. It sizzled as I dumped the entire thing into the sink and turned on the cold water faucet, chicken and all. Once the pan finally quieted, I turned off the water and sighed.
Right, I needed to clean up. I plucked up the rest of the mess on the counter and shoved it back where it belonged in the fridge. Once I was done I stared at the blender. Sam must have been trying to make us smoothies, but now that I looked at it, I only felt sick.
I snatched up the blender and dumped the contents into the trash can. The glass banged against the side of the container and the fruit plopped into the bottom of the bag. I stared at it for a little while before I sat the blender on the counter and abandoned the whole thing. Whatever little bit of appetite that had been growing was now dead.
My phone rang and I snatched it up from the table. For once, it wasn't my mom. I slid the answer button over and pressed the phone against my ear.
"Hey, Aaron."
"There you are!" He sounded like his usual giddy self. "I've been texting you for the past few days, but you've barely been replying."
"Yeah, I was a little busy," I said as I pushed my fingers through my still-damp hair. "What's going on?"
"Nothing much. I was going to the movies and I was wondering if you wanted to come with me. It's been a while."
He was right about that. Usually, Aaron and I hung out quite often now whether that was going to grab a cup of coffee or eating at a new restaurant together. But lately, that hadn't been the case. He was busy with his relationship and I was left on the back burner. I knew he didn't mean to make me feel that way, but I couldn’t help but to feel a little abandoned. That being said, I wasn't mad at him. If I was happy and in love, I would want to spend as much time with my partner as possible too.
"Where are you?"
"Moonstruck theater. I can come and grab you if you want."
I shook my head. Being alone with Aaron and trapped in a tiny, confined place wasn't going to work right now. He would sense that something was wrong and I would have no way out. Aaron was really good at making me talk even when I didn’t want to.
"Actually, I'll drive myself."
"So you can beat a hasty retreat when you feel like you have to?"
Shit, Aaron knew me entirely too well. That was the second reason why I wanted to take my own car. It was no offense to him but I always felt better when I could leave on my own terms instead of having to ask someone’s permission to go.
"When does the movie start?"
Aaron sighed, clearly aware that I was avoiding his question. "You could meet me at seven. The movie starts at seven-thirty, but I like to go early."
"For snacks and trailers. Yeah, I know the drill. Trust me."
He chuckled. "You know me well. Alright, I'll see you there soon." The line went quiet for a moment before he called my name. "Are you okay? Something in your voice sounds... off."
"I'm fine," I said entirely too quickly before I cleared my throat and tried to put a bit more confidence behind my words. "I'll see you there, okay? I need to go."
"Okay. Carter, if there's anything bothering you just know that I'm here to listen. Okay?"
Aaron's words were eerily similar to Samuel's and they made my stomach churn. No, I didn't want to think about him. I pushed down the bile that stung the back of my throat and nodded in agreement before I realized Aaron couldn't see me.
"See you there."
I hung up the phone and sighed softly. Well, I was going to see him in a few hours. Usually, I was excited to hang out with Aaron, but today I knew that he was going to be staring at me extra hard. He'd already heard some level of upset in my voice and I was afraid of how much he would push trying to figure out what was wrong with me. Out of all my friends, Aaron was the mom type, and trying to convince him to let things go was nearly impossible.
Don't worry about it for now. I'm sure I can maintain a poker face for the time it takes to watch a movie and come back home.
Instead of agonizing about everything that had happened with Sam and the worry I had about Aaron, I chose to nap. My body was exhausted from the day I’d had and I needed to rest. Maybe then I might be able to collect myself. As I settled into bed and drew the blanket over my body, I couldn't take my mind off of Samuel. He had sounded so worried and hurt.
And here I was wishing he was snuggled up against my back, stroking his fingers over my skin and telling me that Daddy would protect me. I really needed to find a Daddy of my own. Even if it wasn't Samuel.
That thought made me queasy and I buried my face into my pillow waiting for the darkness of sleep to swallow me. I didn’t want to think anymore. Sleep could take away the mental anguish I was struggling with. No, it wasn’t the healthiest coping mechanism, but I could think of a lot of other things that were way worse.
Walking into the theater,the smell of popcorn made my stomach growl. Ignoring it, I glanced around for Aaron. Finally I spotted him standing over by the ticket dispensers, his phone in his hand. On either side of him was his brother, Fitch and his friend, Layne. I had met both of them before and I was relieved to see them now. At least all of the focus wouldn't be on me. I could do what I did best and blend into the background seamlessly.
"Hey," Aaron grinned as he spotted me. "I thought you were going to be late. Or not show up at all."
I rolled my eyes. "Thank you for the vote of confidence."
"For what it's worth, I said you were definitely coming," Fitch piped up as he smiled at me. "Ignore Aaron."
"I always do. Hey Layne."
"What's up?" Layne beamed. "You ready to see the movie?"
I shrugged. "What are we seeing? I guess I should have asked that earlier."
"Hellscape Demons 2!" Fitch said excitedly.
I groaned. "It’s not even Halloween yet."
"Halloween is everyday," Fitch and Aaron bellowed at the same time before laughing.
"You like horror," Aaron pointed out.
I shrugged. It wasn’t the worst. "Yeah, I do. Let's go watch it."
"We already got your ticket. Here you go." Layne passed me one and smiled. "Let's get popcorn and drinks first!"
I followed behind them to the concession stand and stared up at the menu as if I was interested in anything in front of me. My stomach growled in protest, begging me to put something in it, but I refused. Right now it would only trigger my need to binge and I couldn't deal with that. Not tonight. The burning throat, the watering eyes, the clenching stomach. It was too much to handle right now and I was fighting not to go down that path.
We picked out our snacks and I brought a small bag of popcorn and water before we made our way to the theater. Once we were settled in and the lights went low that was when I started to relax. Being quiet in the dark was something I could handle. At least there were no questions directed my way.
I was glad they had picked a horror movie. Being able to yell at the screen and turn away when things got too gruesome took my mind off of everything else but the movie. Even when Samuel popped into my head, I pushed him away again.
Just remember he doesn't want you. That's all you need to know. Stop thinking about him.
I repeated that to myself over and over again, but no matter how hard I tried, there he was. How long was it going to take before I was able to erase Samuel out of my head for good?
"That was so fun." Fitch sighed as we walked out of the movie. "Man, I love a good splatter film."
"Me too," Layne chipped in. "I mean every once in a while. Next time we get to see something funny though because too many horror movies in a row gives me nightmares."
"Of course." Aaron laughed with his head thrown back, dumping the remains of his food containers into the garbage can. "What about you, Carter? Did you like it?"
I tipped my still full popcorn bag into the bin and nodded. "Yeah, it was pretty good. I like watching just about everything so it didn't disappoint."
As they chatted, I let my mind wander to the subject that was supposed to be off limits. I took out my phone and stared at it. There were no texts or calls from Samuel. I had pissed him off. No, that shouldn't matter. He was the one that had been browsing through my personal things so casually. If anyone should feel guilty it was him, not me.
I tried to tell myself that, but it didn’t feel right. The look of hurt in his eyes as he left my apartment stuck with me.
"Hey!"
I jumped and looked over at Aaron. "What?"
"We've been talking to you, but you haven't heard a word." Aaron frowned. "Is something wrong?"
"No, I'm good." I nodded. "I was thinking about the movie, that's all."
Fitch tilted his head at me. "Do you want to come and grab something to eat with us? We thought it would be fun to have some drinks and grab some food before our various Daddies come to collect us." He chuckled. "Might as well enjoy a little freedom."
I smiled at them tightly. Their various Daddies. It made me long for one even more. Having someone's arms to run into, who would hold me tightly and kiss away my woes was the ultimate dream. The one I wasn't so sure I could ever obtain.
"What's going on?" Aaron asked. "You're quiet sometimes, but never this much."
I sighed as we stepped out of the theater and into the cool night air. Every day it was growing chillier and I tugged my jacket around my body more tightly. I glanced up at the night sky and thought about holding it all in, but releasing just a little of the pressure might soothe me if only a little.
"I met this guy named Samuel. And well..."
I told them mostly everything from the day we had met to today when we had parted. The only part I skipped was about the contents of my journal, but they knew that he had been sneaking around while I was in the shower. By the time I was done, my throat felt tight and I just wanted to stop talking about it as quickly as I had started.
"You're right, he shouldn't have been snooping around," Layne said with a frown. "But it seems like he was worried about you too. Maybe he was trying to help."
"Yeah, but I didn't ask for it."
Aaron scoffed. "You literally never ask for help though." He shoved his hands into his pockets and nodded at Fitch and Layne. "Hey, can you grab the car, Fitch? Layne, you go with him. If anything happens I'll have Diego's foot firmly lodged up my ass until I taste the dirt on his shoes."
We all laughed before Fitch nodded. "He's right though. My fiance is a psychopath. We'll go get the car. It was fun hanging out, Carter. You should join us a lot more often."
I smiled. "Actually, I think I will. Thank you."
Once the two of them left Aaron sighed and laid a hand on my shoulder. He squeezed and that simple gesture almost forced the tears from my eyes in droves.
He knew.
"Carter," he said slowly, "have you relapsed?"
I glanced away from him, but I couldn't bring myself to say no. The lie burned my tongue, searing every inch of it as my throat tightened. No, I couldn't lie to Aaron.
"How did you know?" I choked out.
"You're losing weight, you're distant and most of all," he closed the space between us until I looked into his eyes, "one addict knows another."
"Fuck."
Aaron sighed. "You need to shake this habit again. And I know it's hard, but this guy, Samuel? He seems good for you."
"Does he?"
"Yes. Trust me man, I get it. You're pissed about him looking at your shit, but there are bigger things at stake. If someone cares about you enough to worry and get pissed off, don't push them out. You've tried to do it to me before and I won't have that shit. Hopefully neither will he."
I choked back a cry. "He will. You should have seen his face. I really went off on him, Aaron. And we both know that I can't ask for help. I can't."
"You might have to this time." Aaron tapped my cheek. "Think about it this way. What's worse? Letting him help you? Or never having him around again?"
My heart squeezed. Never having Samuel around again? He made the day worth greeting, made me smile even when I didn't want to. The man believed in me. And he was special, really fucking special.
"I would come out with you guys," I started, wiping at my eyes like a fool, "but I think I'd rather go home."
Aaron nodded. "Get something to eat. I don't care how small it is, Carter. Do it. And if you feel the need to purge, you fucking call me. You got it?"
I nodded. "Yeah, I understand. Thanks, man."
"Anything for you," he smiled at me before shaking his head. "Now, go home and keep me updated on your night. Or you're going to find me on your doorstep in a few hours ready to wrangle your ass onto the floor and fight you."
I laughed. "Idiot. Please don't go banging on my door in the middle of the night. My neighbors will hate me."
"Screw them! I'm here for you." He opened his arms wide. "Give me a damn hug and remember what I've said."
We hugged each other tightly before he slapped me on the back hard. I groaned, but he only chuckled in response.
"I'll text you," I said.
"You better asshole or I'll be right there." He stepped back and smiled softly. "Be safe, Carter."
"I will."
I watched as he grinned and then jogged to the waiting car. Fitch switched spots with him and they all waved at me before pulling off. Once they were gone I dropped my hand and stared after them.
How was I supposed to let someone take care of me? No one ever had. And I was terrified to start letting anyone in now.
Day: Thursday
Time: 11:42 pm
Breakfast: Nothing
Lunch: Nothing
Dinner: Tuna fish and crackers