Big Boy by Skyler Snow
Day: Saturday
Time: 12:08 pm
Breakfast: Scrambled eggs
Lunch: Nothing
Dinner: I don’t know yet. Something. Gotta eat.
Staringat Samuel's text wasn't going to change anything. I knew that, but I continued to look at it as if I magically knew how to respond now. It had been a few days and I still didn’t have words for him, but I wasn’t angry at him anymore either.
Samuel: Sorry for being so damn nosey, but I'm really worried about you. Can we talk soon? Once you're no longer upset with me of course. Sorry again.
How long had it taken him to write this? Had he typed it out quickly or did it take a while for him to find the right words? I wished he was here with me right now while I struggled to figure out what to eat next that wouldn't send me spiraling down a black hole of relapse and despair.
Closing my eyes I forced myself to put the phone down. Aaron had been texting me non-stop to make sure I was taking care of myself and I loved him but it was driving me crazy. Especially when what I really wanted to do was talk to Samuel. But it was difficult for me to ask for help. Every time I tried I just... stopped short.
"Okay, I need to get up."
I groaned as I dragged myself out of bed and started getting ready for the day. Seeing as how it was Saturday, I was pretty sure I wouldn't be getting any phone calls for jobs. That left me with nothing to do other than sit in front of the TV and play video games. Usually, that would be the highlight of my day, but it felt lonely right now. Even if my friends were online it wasn’t the same as when Sam was there.
Settling onto the couch I grabbed my remote and headset. On the weekends it was more likely that my friends would be online and have some time to play a few rounds. Yeah, it might not be the same but it was better than being completely alone. I hoped that was true as I logged onto StarBattle. While the game loaded I stopped and glanced down at my phone again.
I should let him know I'm okay at least. He’s worried about me.
What if he was upset now and it was because of me? The thought of being the reason that he frowned made my stomach tighten and I drew my legs up onto the couch. Reaching over I snagged a blanket and dragged it over my knees, basking in the softness that caressed my hairy legs. I glanced at my phone one last time and finally picked it up.
Carter: I'm okay so don't worry about me.
Carter: Sorry I haven't been answering.
It wasn't just Sam that was making my life dizzying chaos. My mother wouldn't lay off, I was fighting my relapse, and I was trying not to fall into a never ending depression. And I missed him. I felt as if I needed Sam and I had no idea why I was so clingy with the man.
While I played, I checked my messages but didn't get a single response. The longer the day wore on, the more I picked it up hoping to see something from Samuel. But there was nothing.
What the fuck?
Anger filled me all over again. Now, I was agitated. I needed some way to calm down. I finally threw off my blanket and snatched up my phone before I called the gym.
"This is Naomi!"
"Hey, it's Carter."
"Carter, it's good to hear from you."
"Yeah, um are there any trainers available today?"
She was quiet for a moment. "You don't want to schedule an appointment with Sam?"
"No, not today."
"Okay," she dragged out the word before the sound of her nails clicking away at the keyboard filled the phone. "Alright, I have a trainer open in the next two hours if you want to come then."
"That's fine. Who am I working with?"
"I have you scheduled with Tony."
"Okay." I was quiet and so was she, but there was something she wasn't saying. "Is everything okay?"
"Everything’s fine," she said, her tone clipped. "We'll see you in two hours."
Naomi hung up before I could say another word and I stared at the phone for a moment in shock. What the hell was that about? It was like she was irritated with me. Why? Because I wanted a different trainer?
Shaking my head I got up and found some good workout clothes. Whatever was going on, I couldn't let it stop me from getting on track with my exercise. My mom wasn't slowing down on sending out dinner requests and I knew eventually she would win out. I couldn't avoid my family forever, no matter how hard I tried. When I went to that dinner I wanted to wow my mom, not hear the disappointment in her voice again.
"Come on push Carter,push! Let's go!"
If Tony yelled at me one more time, I was going to hit him in the head with a weight. He was really getting under my skin. While he might have been trying to encourage me, it sounded more like a drill sergeant screaming at a cadet and I was not into it.
"Yeah, I'm gonna take a break," I said as I stepped off of the treadmill and tried to catch my breath. "I need some water."
Tony shrugged and pulled out his phone. "Whatever you want dude. It's your time and if you want to waste it, that's on you."
I glared at the man. Did that talk work on other muscle-bound meatheads? Seriously, the only thing it was doing to me was making me want to leave the gym altogether. I didn't need someone to scream at me. Encouragement and softness, that worked a lot better with me, but Tony obviously didn’t give a shit.
While Tony chuckled at his phone and I considered how rude it would be to dump water on his head, I drank and glanced around the gym. As usual, everyone was pretty enamored in their workouts, but then my eyes landed on Samuel.
He stared at me, his eyes wide before they narrowed. There was a dark look then, one that gripped me tightly and made goosebumps pepper my arms while a shiver worked its way up my spine.
What’s that expression? Samuel’s a little scary right now.
And why did I instantly think 'Scary Daddy?'
The guilt that followed when he stormed away shook me out of my fantasy. He was a real person and he deserved to have some kind of explanation or at least a real conversation about what happened. Besides, he hadn't answered my text and I was pretty sure he was pissed at me.
"Thanks for the workout," I said quickly as I gathered my stuff. "I'm going to head out."
"Seriously?" Tony asked. He scoffed. "Whatever you want to do dude."
"That's exactly what I want to do. Dude,” I shot back. “I’ll pass on booking another session with you.”
Tony’s jaw dropped, but I felt fucking amazing. Finally, I had opened my mouth and told someone off. And he deserved it. I shook my head as I walked away from him.
People like Tony were the exact reason why I didn't want to go to the gym in the first place. That arrogance and judgement weren’t what I needed. I would stick with working out at home if I couldn't have Sam by my side.
My eyes landed on Sam as he made a beeline for his car. I didn't want to go up to him while I still smelled like sweat and heat, but I couldn't afford to run back and get a quick shower. Samuel needed to know how I felt right now before he was gone.
"Sam? Samuel!"
He paused at the trunk of his car and his shoulders tensed. I watched as he tossed his bag inside and slammed the trunk before he turned on his heels to face me. He crossed his muscled arms over his chest and his eyes held the same dark, fiery edge as they did before.
"Do you need something, Carter?"
I stopped short. There was so much irritation in his voice that I wanted to say never mind and skitter away. But if I did that I wouldn't be able to talk to him again. And I needed to. Every bit of me was screaming to talk to Samuel and fix what I had screwed up.
"Um, yeah I wanted to talk to you," I said quietly. "Are you... busy?"
"What does it look like?"
I winced. "Sorry, you're right. I shouldn't have bothered you." My throat was so tight I could barely get the words out. I tried to clear it, but nothing happened. "I'll leave you alone."
I said that, but my feet still wouldn't move. They were stuck to the pavement like there was glue underneath my shoes and even when I tried to move, my knees did a funny shaky thing that I didn't love. Escape. I needed to get the hell out of here.
"Fine," Samuel said the word with such finality. "Do what you have to do."
When he turned back around suddenly I could move again. I raced over to him and grabbed his arm, squeezing it tightly. He turned around to face me, his expression drawn as he looked me up and down.
"I'm sorry," I squeaked out. "Fuck, I really messed up and I'm sorry. I shouldn't have yelled at you that day and then ignored you on top of that, but I was freaking out. And that's not on you, that's on me. But," I glanced up at him, "don't go."
Samuel frowned before he glanced around. "I don't know what you want from me, Carter. You act as if we're friends and then we're not. I try to look out for you but you kick me out and then ignore me." Samuel shook his head. "Seriously, you're giving me whiplash."
"I know I am. I know." I ran my hand over to his chest and gripped his shirt tightly before I licked my lips. "Look, I'm a mess and I know it. I'm not trying to pretend that I won't screw up and yell at you again or act like a lunatic, but could we please start over?"
"I don't know," Sam mumbled.
My heart dropped. No, he didn’t mean that. What if he does? I would deserve it. God, it was true, but I didn’t want to let Samuel go.
"How about we go and grab something to eat? There's a cafe someone took me to one time that I really enjoyed. We could grab a bite and talk. My treat.”
Samuel tilted his head at me. "Is that what you want? To talk?" His eyes drifted down to my hand that clung to his shirt desperately. "Alright, then let's go."
I breathed a sigh of relief. "One thing. Do you mind if I shower first?" I asked, meeting his gaze when his eyes traveled back from his shirt to meet my eyeline.
"No, go ahead. Should I wait here or meet you there?"
"You can meet me," I said as a smile formed on my lips and grew. Finally untangling my hand from his shirt I took a hesitant step back. "I won't be long at all. I promise."
"Make sure you keep that promise or I'll think you're ghosting me." Samuel reached out and grabbed my chin turning my head left and right as he examined me. "You look a little better than before. I'm glad."
My breath was stolen away and I stared up at him. I wanted Samuel to always touch me like this. His strong hand on my jaw kept me stabilized and for the first time in a while I felt like I was on even ground and the world wasn't tilting and trying to dump me into a black hole.
"I feel better," I said quietly.
Samuel removed his hand. "For what it's worth, I did mean my apology. But I care about you, Carter. And honestly, if I had to do it again, I would. I don't want to see you hurting yourself."
My heart squeezed painfully at his words. Not just from what he said, but the pain in his voice as he said them. Samuel really was concerned about me and I had hurt his feelings all because I couldn’t accept his help. His usual sunny and bright smile was nowhere to be seen and I felt like the world's biggest sack of shit.
"Let's talk about it at the cafe," I said quietly. "Okay? Is that alright?"
Samuel nodded. "Yes, we can talk there. Go ahead and get cleaned up." He removed his hand and my head followed it automatically. "I'll be waiting."
I watched him turn to go and my heart plummeted. Maybe I should have asked him to wait, but I didn't want to appear too needy and demanding. After all, I was the one that had hurt him. Yeah, he shouldn't have looked at my journal, but I knew what he was saying. If one of my friends was in trouble, I would rather they be upset with me than suffering on their own. It was the same way I knew Aaron struggled with drug abuse and how he knew I struggled with an eating disorder. Sometimes you had to toe the line to help people you loved.
Or cared about. Whatever the case was with us.
I waited until he slid into his car before I reached up and touched my bearded chin. The heat of Samuel's fingertips lingered and I breathed in deeply still smelling the scent of his cologne and feeling the pressure he gripped me with. I finally turned around and headed back into the gym. For him, I would shower here even if it made me a little squirrely. I would do it for Samuel. I didn't want him to wait forever.