Big Boy by Skyler Snow

I staredat the ceiling watching the blades of the fan rotate. They made me dizzy, but I was too out of it to give a damn. The sunlight that streamed through my window and warmed my skin was usually enough to get me out of bed. But not today.

Every time I tried to think about something, anything, else besides Carter, I went right back to his kitchen the day before and how he'd screamed at me. Wiping a hand down my face I groaned. I had undoubtedly screwed up. What was I thinking going around his house and looking at things that had nothing to do with me? It was his private business and I had broken his trust.

I was worried about him. Carter obviously had an eating disorder and I didn't want him to have to deal with it on his own. I couldn't imagine him alone, scared, weak against the demons that tormented him as he tried to navigate his situation by himself. And did that make me a pain-in-the-ass wannabe savior? Or did I really just care about Carter and what happened to him?

I couldn't decide.

The first few times my phone buzzed away, I had ignored it. Finally, I snatched it up and glared at the screen. Naomi. Right. I was supposed to be at work. I slid my thumb over the screen and the call connected.

"Samuel, what the fuck!" She snapped, her put on sweet, bubbly voice she used on clients, gone. "Where are you? Here I am thinking that you were in a car accident or something and you're just fine. Jesus."

"I don't need another mother," I said with a sigh as I stared up at the ceiling fan again and tried to soften my tone. "Sorry, I'm not feeling great so I decided to stay in bed today. I should have called you."

"Yes, you should have. But it's okay. Are you? Do you need me to bring you anything when I leave work? Or have something delivered in the meantime?"

I smiled at how nice she was. Naomi could be a hard ass when she wanted to be, but deep down she was a marshmallow. It reminded me of Carter and I wondered if he would forgive me for my invasion of privacy the day before. I had never meant him any harm, but that wasn't the point, was it?

"Samuel?" She called.

"I'm okay. Sorry, I don't feel that great. Do you mind if we talk later?"

"Of course. I'll let your clients know you're not feeling well and then try to get them lined up with the other trainers. Get some rest, Sam."

"Thank you, Naomi. I appreciate it."

I hung up and went back to staring at rotating fan blades. Yes, I had the day off now, but it still felt as if I was stuck in place. Glued to the bed. Carter had me worried and I wondered if he was okay. I opened up my messages, but there were none from him. Sighing, I sat my phone down again. I was pretty sure he wouldn't want to talk to me anytime soon.

"Come on, Sam. Get up." I gave myself a pep talk. “Up, now damn it!”

I dragged myself to my feet and groaned as I shuffled off to the bathroom. A shower and a fresh change of clothes would help me feel better. Or at least I hoped so. Once I was cleaned off and dried I changed into a pair of jeans, a white shirt, and a cardigan to cut through the cold.

"Woof! Woof!"

I glanced down at my eager pups and laughed. They were both ready for a walk and I couldn't neglect them just because I was feeling a little shitty. That was the best thing about pets. No matter how you felt, you had to get up and move for them. Even depression couldn’t stop me from taking care of them.

"Come on you two. Come on! Who wants a walk?"

They both yelped away, wagging their tails as they ran around me in circles. I grabbed their leashes and made sure they were on them properly before I led them to the front door. A walk might clear my head. I would be grateful for that. If it wasn't for my dogs, I wasn't sure if I would ever leave the house on my bad days. But they allowed me to get up, to move around, to do more than I ever could have imagined. I was grateful for them.

I pulled open my front door and nearly tripped over my own two feet in shock. "Andy! What are you doing here?"

My friend smiled at me and held out a coffee. "Well, I was going to call you and say let's go do some exploring, but then I saw your car was still here and decided to grab some coffee. Oh! Are these your dogs? They've gotten so big!"

"They have." I beamed at my babies. "And they're ready for a walk."

"Let me walk one of them and let's chat. I wanted to ask your opinion about some design ideas I had, but you look awful." He waved a hand toward my face. "What's going on here?"

Everything. I wanted to tell him not to worry about it, but the truth was weighing so heavily on my shoulders that I needed to talk to someone about Carter. I wasn’t going to tell Andy everything because I didn’t want to betray Carter’s trust any more than I already had, but I was desperate for advice.

"Alright," I said slowly. "I do want to tell someone about it, but you have to keep quiet too. Okay? This is private, just between the two of us."

He held up two entwined fingers. "Scout's honor. Now, spill."

I locked up my place and we started our stroll. "I've been working with this client and it turns out he has an eating disorder. I only know because I saw it in his journal. And I know I shouldn't have looked, but I never meant to. One minute I was walking around and the next I knew this awful secret. Now he hates me."

"I'm sorry," Andy said with a frown as he sipped his coffee. "Although I'm sure he doesn't hate you. It might seem that way right now, but he's probably just upset that you found out something so embarrassing to him."

"That's what I keep telling myself but it feels like I'm being delusional. He was seriously pissed yesterday and I haven't heard from him since."

"And have you messaged him?"

I pulled a face. "Why would I do that? After yesterday he clearly wants nothing to do with me and I'm not going to push him to communicate. If anything I think it's better if I give him a little bit of space."

"Are you sure? Or are you just avoiding him?"

I groaned. "Don't start over-analyzing everything, Andy. The whole thing was a shit show and I'm not looking for a repeat today."

"Okay, okay," he said as he held up his hands. "That's not what I was saying at all. I just want you to think about this and how he must feel. Yes, you overstepped, but it wasn't intentional. At first. And I'm sure he'll come to realize that. However, you also can't ignore what you saw. That would be dangerous and reckless, not to mention heartless and that's not who you are as a person."

"You're right about that." I shook my head. "But I still feel bad."

"Okay well feel bad and text him at the same time. It's not that goddamn hard."

I groaned. "Sometimes I hate you."

"I know,” he grinned, “but don't worry. You'll get over it. Text him."

Glaring at my friend, I dug my phone out of my pocket. I stared at the messages Carter and I had shared which were very few at this point. Even though my finger hovered over them, I couldn't bring myself to text him. He was definitely still pissed and probably didn’t want to hear from me. If he did, he would have texted me back already.

I shoved the phone back into my pocket. No, I wasn't going to go crawling to Carter to talk to him. He'd wanted me out of his place and he had meant it. There was no point in stepping over the boundary that he had drawn. He was an adult. If he needed help hopefully he would tell someone, but I highly doubted that person would be me. No matter how badly I wanted it to be.

"Really?" Andrew sighed. "You're not going to text him?"

"I told you, there's no point." I looked straight ahead, ignoring the feeling of my friend glaring at me. "If he wants anything to do with me, he'll say it."

Andy shook his head. "I think you're both being stupidly stubborn. Seriously, this is ridiculous. You're worried about him. And yes, he might be pissed off right now, but I know he'll get over it. Especially if he knows it's only because you want him to be safe."

"I get all of that, but it doesn't mean I should contact him if he's not ready." Sucking in a deep breath I stopped so my dogs could do their business. "Look, thank you for coming to see me and I appreciate the coffee, but this is something that won't be solved today. All I can hope for is that he forgives me and we can move on. It's just..."

"Just what?" Andy prodded softly. "What's really weighing on you?"

The laugh that left my lips sounded bitter even to my own ears. "I can't stop thinking about him. Has he eaten today? Is he drinking water? Does he feel better or is he still sick? Does he have someone to look after him? No matter how much I try to tell myself it’s none of my business, I can’t convince myself that’s true. And then I'm just... stuck."

Andy ran a hand up and down my arm. "There's nothing wrong with what you're feeling, Sam. That's called empathy and you're worried about him." He shook his head. "Whatever is going on, I hope you get it figured out because if you don't, I can already tell that it's going to tear you apart. Come on, Pepa! Time to go back home."

I watched as he walked back toward my place, Pepa jauntily leading the way while Salt walked with me. He was right about one thing. Not having Carter around was tearing me to pieces. I couldn't stop thinking about him no matter how hard I tried and it was terrifying. What if he never wanted to speak to me again? How long would I be plagued with thoughts of him, wondering, waiting?

No, it was too much. I never should have made the mistake of letting our relationship grow beyond what we had as trainer and client. That was my mistake and I was going to be the one that paid dearly for it.

We made it back to my place and Andy handed me Pepa's leash. "Well, I need to get some work done for the day." He tilted his head at me. "But I'll come back and check on you again soon, okay?"

I smiled at him half-heartedly. "There's no reason to do that. I might be a little down for now, but there's nothing wrong with me. Don't let me take up your time like that."

Andy rolled his eyes. "Seriously? Look, we both know I'm going to do whatever the hell I want so you might as well not even fight it and let me check in on you. Okay?"

I laughed. "You're as bossy as ever, but yes, okay. Feel free to check in whenever you'd like."

"Oh, I plan to." Andy blew me a kiss. "See you soon. And no wallowing!"

"I'll try!" I called after him. "No promises though," I added once he disappeared around the corner.

We stepped into the apartment and I unleashed the dogs. As soon as they were free they ran for the feeders and water and I let them do their thing while I sat down on the couch. Andy's words weren't bad advice, but I still wasn't ready to talk to Carter. I picked up my phone and stared at it. A simple text should be easy, but it felt as if a weight was on my chest every time I tried.

Eventually, I tossed my phone to the side and it landed on the couch with a thud. I snatched up my gaming remote and my dogs joined me, but I only stared at the screen once it was loaded up. Every game I scrolled past seemed like a huge waste of time. Nothing was catching my interest. I didn't want to play anything. Not when all I could think about was Carter.

Finally, I snagged a beer from the fridge and tentatively picked up my phone as if it would bite me. I typed my message and sent it to Carter before I could change my mind. No matter what he thought about me, whether he responded or not, at least I had tried.

And that was all I could do.