Big Boy by Skyler Snow

I glancedaround Carter's apartment. Everything was a bit messy to tell the truth, but it reminded me of him. Chaotic. I shoved my hands into my pockets and explored the area. Everything looked cozy and inviting. Blankets thrown over the couch, pillows on the floor as if that's where he sat when he played video games, books scattered over various surfaces.

What I noticed however was the lack of personal mementos.. My walls held pictures of myself as a child with my mother and father, relatives, friends. But Carter's walls were pretty bare as if he didn't put much thought into his living space. Why was that?

I wondered if he was okay in the bathroom. Wandering down the hall I stood across from the closed door of the bathroom. When I heard him moving around, I calmed down again.

"Hey, Carter?"

"Yeah?" he called. "Is everything okay?"

I smiled. "Shouldn't I be asking you that?" I shook my head. "Actually I was wondering if you minded me going into your kitchen and making you something to eat. Have you had anything today?"

"Oh uh just this morning I had a little something."

"Well, I was thinking that might be the reason you weren't feeling too well at the gym. If you don't have a proper meal before you work out, it can make you dizzy. I just didn't want to go poking around in your kitchen without you knowing."

"That's nice of you. No, I don't mind. Help yourself."

"I'll whip up something good for us. Shout if you need any help."

Carter chuckled. "Thank you, but I think I'm fine. Trust me, you don't want to have to deal with a naked, slippery me."

I raised a brow. And he knew that how? I would have signed up for it in a heartbeat.

"Did I just say that?" Carter groaned. "Oh my god."

"Welcome to the club of idiots," I laughed. "I'll see you in the kitchen."

"If I don't slide down the drain and disappear first."

Chuckling, I walked away shaking my head. At least it wasn't just me that made a fool out of himself. Ah, equal footing.

Carter confirming he was okay eased my anxiety. For a moment there I was pretty sure that I was going to have to take him to the hospital despite his protests. Debt or not I wasn't going to let him die because he was being stubborn. Okay, maybe that was a bit overdramatic, but I still didn't want him to get hurt because he was worried about money. Hell, if I had to cover the medical bill I would, but I wasn't going to let anything happen to Carter.

Yep, because I can't let something happen to the man I am crushing on hard. What the hell?

Shit, that wasn't supposed to happen, but it was hard not to fall for Carter. The moment I laid eyes on him at the gym I had been so overjoyed I had to stop myself from racing up to him. It seemed as if things had gone back to normal after our awkward meeting on the street and I was glad everything was fine again. Better than fine. The memory of Carter nuzzling against my palm warmed my heart and I wanted more moments like that. I craved them.

My phone buzzed in my pocket and I saw Naomi's text. I messaged her back letting her know that I had to take care of some things and took off early. She sent me back a text calling me a simp and I rolled my eyes with a grin. Was it really my fault I was a little obsessed with the man? Who wouldn’t be? It wasn't my fault he was so interesting.

I opened up the fridge and glanced inside of it. It was pretty stocked and so were the cabinets which was great. I started pulling things out and laying them on the counter. A chicken wrap would be good and I decided to blend us up some fruit smoothies. It should have enough nutrients to help him feel better and to fill his belly too.

"Alright, let's get this going."

My phone rang and I sighed. I should just turn the damn thing off. Once I wrangled it out of my pocket I stared at the screen. My mother. Of course.

"Hey, Mama."

"Samuel, where are you? I popped by your job to say hi, but you weren't there. Naomi said she didn't know where you were."

"She didn't." I pulled open random drawers until I found knives and a cutting board. "I had a client who started to feel sick after his workout and I offered to drive him home so he wouldn't be behind the wheel."

"Oh, that's sweet. Is this a...friend?"

I groaned. "Please, don't start with that."

"I'm only wondering! Besides, it's not like you've been on a date in a long time. I do want grandbabies someday."

"We are not having this conversation today."

"And why not? I can't express my concerns about your perpetual singleness?"

I wanted to groan until my throat ached. No, no she could not. I was happy being on my own. Most days. Okay, so I got lonely, but that wasn't the point. I wasn't so afraid of being by myself that I would settle for just anyone. For one, I had to actually like someone to want them. Add in the fact that my perfect relationship was being someone’s  nurturing and caring Daddy and it made things a bit more difficult.

"Mama, no offense but I'm kinda busy."

"Taking care of this client of yours," she laughed. "Smooth."

"Why are you making it like this is some kinda plot? I seriously am trying to help him."

"Sure, sure. Well, when you're done seducing your client give me a call back. I was trying to see if you could come over and take a look at my car for me."

"Why do you always assume I can fix your car?"

"You've done it before, haven't you?"

I had, but mostly because I watched a bunch of youtube videos and winged it. My mother didn't trust anyone, however. Whether it was fixing her car, a burst pipe, or depositing money anywhere but under her mattress, she called me. I loved her, but she was a lot.

"Okay, well I'll see what I can do, but I might be here for a little while longer."

"Take your time, sweetheart. It sounds like you're nice and busy."

I sighed and pinched the bridge of my nose. "Thank you for ruining the thought of me having sex ever again."

"So dramatic. Call me when you're available."

"I'll get right on that."

"Don't be a smart ass. Love you."

"Love you too, Mama." I hung up. "And thank you for being the reason I'll need to go into explicit detail with my therapist about why I'm now sex-repulsed for life."

I shivered. As much as I loved my mom, she had a way of making me want to stick my head into an oven sometimes. I didn't want to talk to her about my sex life. Ever. What I did with my partner or partners was completely up to me. She still couldn't even understand what being demisexual meant and while I didn't blame her for being confused, it was hard to keep explaining that I needed a deep connection before I could move forward. Hell, even with Carter I wasn't ready to hop into bed with him even if I was fascinated by the man.

Pushing my phone back into my pocket, I focused on making food for Carter. He'd done a good job, not complaining and trying his hardest while at the gym. I was proud of him and I wanted to make sure he had a good meal. He deserved it.

I went back to work and started chopping up fruit while the chicken was cooking. I just needed some ice and some milk and probably some...

Stopping short I stared down at the notebook on the counter. The page was open and there was a date, time, and meal log for the day. I smiled. Carter was probably still tracking his food, but I hoped he wasn't being as rigid as before. I finished dropping ingredients into the blender and turned back to the notebook. I was about to close it so the page wouldn’t get splashed on when a sentence caught my eye.

But I haven’t eaten in three days and I don’t know if that’ll change today...

I stared at the words and blinked at them. Had I read what I thought I just read? Carter wasn’t eating? How hadn't I noticed that?

Glancing up, I looked back down at the notebook. I shouldn't look, but the concern I had for him outweighed my common sense. Turning back a page I frowned and kept going. Each day was as bad as the last. Carter was not only starving himself but when he did eat he was throwing it right back up. On purpose.

Carter had bulimia.

My heart felt like it had been gripped with icy fingers as I stared at the words that had started to jumble together. That was why he had gotten so sick at the gym. Carter was starving himself. The guilt crushed me. I had been pushing him so hard today thinking that he was okay, but I had no idea. Why hadn't he told me what was going on with him? I couldn't help him if I didn’t know what he was struggling with.

What am I going to do about this?

Carter had the right to his privacy, but this was a problem. I liked to think that we were starting to become friends and I would never ignore one of mine who was in distress. The more I flipped in the notebook, the more I could see that this was dangerous. He was going to lose weight but in the most hazardous way. I couldn't train him like this. Bulimia came with a slew of problems. Dehydration, heart problems, acid erosion of the esophagus. He was going to make himself sick and I couldn’t stand by and watch that happen. Getting him on the right course was the most important thing right now, not working out.

I closed my eyes and tried to breathe. There had to be a way to help him. First would come the inevitable awkward conversation, but I couldn't avoid it. Carter needed to know that I knew and I would hope he could forgive me for stumbling across his secret.

"What the fuck are you doing?"

My head whipped up and I stared at Carter. He had redressed in a pair of black shorts and a blue t-shirt and he looked a lot cooler than before. However, that was negated by how red his face was as he glared at me.

"I asked you a question."

"I uh... damn." I shifted from foot to foot. "I didn't mean to read this. While I was making you something to eat I stumbled across it and..." I frowned and tilted my head at him. "Carter, you're not eating."

"You have no right to go through my things," he snapped.

"I'm aware of that and I'm sorry for that part of it, but," I shook my head, finding my resolve despite his ire, "you are starving yourself. I didn't mean to read the first page. It was automatic, but now I'm glad I did. Carter, you are making yourself sick and I can't train you if you're not taking care of yourself properly.

"I didn't ask you to butt into my business." He folded his arms over his chest. "What you did is so fucking uncool. You just go around someone's houses reading their shit?"

I swallowed hard and calmed myself down, refusing to match his angry tone. "Okay, I get that you're upset, but I'm not going to take you talking to me like that. Like I said I had no intentions of going through your things. The book was lying right here on the counter and I was making you something to eat. But now that I know, I can't turn a blind eye to it."

Carter stormed over to me and snatched up the notebook before throwing it into the next room. "Fuck that and fuck you. Get out!"

I scoffed. "I understand why you're upset, I do. And I shouldn't have kept reading, but you have to realize that I'm not against you here, Carter. I'm on your side."

"You don't know me," he growled, his teeth gritted as his fists tightened tightly. "No matter what you think we are to each other you have no fucking idea what I'm going through."

"Then help me understand." I took a step toward him. "You can tell me everything you're going through and I'll listen."

Carter laughed humorlessly. "Oh come on. Look, I don't need a fucking pity party, okay? And I don't need you to sit here and pretend to be my friend just because you found out something about me."

"Is that what I'm doing? Pretending to be your friend?" I tilted my head. "Even when I brought you here and had no idea about your bulimia? Or when we played video games last night? Was that all just make-believe or are you pushing me away because you're afraid of what I'll see? Or that I'll get to know the real you?"

"Get out of my apartment. Now. Now!" Carter shouted when I didn't move right away. "I'm not joking, get the fuck out!"

"Alright."

I turned on my heels and stormed out of the kitchen. Grabbing my keys that I had tossed onto the coffee table I let myself out and slammed the door behind me. Once I was out, I realized how quickly I was breathing, how my chest rose and fell so hard it felt as if I was hyperventilating.

Calm down. Breathe. Take your time.

It had been a long time since I'd gotten so emotional over someone. Carter had a right to be upset that I had been snooping, but I still didn't love being thrown out simply because I was concerned about him. Maybe it was time to pull back and not be so involved in Carter's life.

Even thinking that I wanted to laugh at myself. How could I back off now that I knew he was suffering? That he was harming himself?

"Shit!" I shouted and kicked the wall, making pain ripple up my foot as I hissed.

No matter how much I wanted to say to hell with it, I couldn't. Carter needed help and he might deny that right now, but it was the truth. I couldn't pretend I didn’t know what was happening.

But what if he never wanted to talk to me again?