Kite In The Snow by Karla Lopez

 

Tears stain my cheeks as I watch Wyatt go. The nurses made him leave until I calmed down a little. I’m so scared to lose him, but also scared that I’m a burden to him. The words he said, or better yet, didn’t say to James, really broke my heart, and it felt like he was pulling the rug out from under my feet.

I promised myself that I wouldn’t allow another man to do that to me, but here I am getting attached to the first man who showed me any kindness.

He was the only man.

I whimper as I feel another contraction and everything that I’ve been through flashes through my head. I choke on a sob, feeling the effects of what’s become of my life.

I am alone.

I am scared, and I’m just a burden to everyone that surrounds me.

Even Wyatt. The guy I felt so deeply for and now I have to find a way to survive because I won’t be his burden or downfall. I couldn’t do that to him.

It’s only a matter of time till Wyatt tells me to go and discards me for someone who isn’t complicated, broken, or has a baby. I shut my eyes and just cry, something I’m well accustomed to.

“Honey, you have to try to calm down. For the baby. We’re trying to stop the contractions,” the nurse coos as she rubs my back.

I can’t stop the tears as they stain the pillow. “It hurts,” I whisper. Her eyes fill with sadness, she knows that the pain I’m talking about isn’t purely physical.

“I know, honey. But from what I can see you’re pretty strong and your baby will need his mama.”

I shake my head as tears cloud my vision. At that moment, the doctor comes in and says he’s going to examine me, and when he does, I see it all over his face—alert. Something is wrong.

“What’s wrong?” I ask frantically.

He breathes as if to calm himself, so I won’t panic, but my heartbeat is already going a mile a minute.

“We’re going to have to deliver today. We need to do a C-section STAT. Your baby’s neck is wrapped around his umbilical cord and he’s losing oxygen.”

I start to full on cry again. “No, it’s too early. I’m only thirty-four weeks.” I shake my head back and forth at the doctor.

“We gave you steroids when you first came in to try and develop the baby a little more, but he’s coming and he’s the one in charge. But he’s healthy for his developmental stage. We have a great team of doctors that will check him out the second he leaves his cozy home. Mae, try your best to stay calm for him. We’re going to prep you as fast as we can.”

The next hour is spent trying to control my breathing for my baby. I keep praying that my baby will survive this. I need him to be okay. All thoughts run to Wyatt and how much I wish he was here with me, holding my hand. It really sucks to have to do this alone.

The nurses prep me and slowly roll me into the surgical room, and my I feel my heart in my throat. I close my eyes. Please, God, I will die if anything happens to my baby. Please, help me be a little stronger for my boy. Give me the will.

“Sweetie, a young man, Wyatt, is outside and he’s asking to be in the delivery room,” the nurse says as she points toward the door.

I close my eyes with a silent prayer of thank you on my lips. He gave me strength.

 

 

I wait for the nurse to come back and tell me if Mae will let me be in the delivery room. I would give anything to be there with her.  I feel bad for upsetting her, but what I said was taken out of context. And she didn’t stay for the whole conversation because if she did then she would know I’m falling for her.

I don’t want to share a bed with her because I feel that level of intimacy would freak her out. She gets discouraged and scared when any amount of affection is shown toward her and rightfully so.

I didn’t want to lose her and taking that step can bring her back. She’s not a fucking burden, and I’ll make sure she knows that for as long as God allows me to keep her and her beautiful son.

The nurse comes back and says that Mae agreed and that she’ll give me some scrubs before helping me sanitize to go into the OR with Mae. It feels like I’m on an episode of Grey’s Anatomy, but as soon as I walk in and see Mae lying on the operating table, it hits me. The reality that Mae and the baby are going through distress.

I go into action and sit next to Mae. Her blue, scared eyes meet mine, and I smile to calm her down. Instantly, tears run down her cheeks. I wipe each one away while I stare at her.

“I’m scared,” she whispers.

“I know, baby. But you’re so fucking strong, Mae. We’re about to meet the precious angel you created.” Tears run down her cheeks while she smiles at me.

I lean my forehead against hers and just wait for bean to be born. The surgeon directs Mae to calm her, but all my focus is on her.  I try to breathe and keep my face light for her. I’m freaking out on the inside and scared to look over the curtain. I’m scared that bean won’t be okay.

After twenty minutes, the room goes so silent that I feel my heart in my throat. I try to calm my breathing because Mae is starting to look more panicked.

The sound that hits the room next makes my heart stop beating. The shriek of a cry keeps going, and I turn toward the sound and see bean crying his lungs out. I feel a sigh of relief that he is breathing.

“We have a strong boy here, Mae. Congratulations, mom and dad,” the doctor says while holding bean.

I turn to Mae and my heart warms, and she gives me a lazy smile. “It’s a boy,” she whispers.

“Yes, baby, a boy.” I lean against her forehead, my vision going blurry trying to take this moment in with her.

“Dad, would you like to cut the umbilical cord?” the doctor addresses me and my guess is that no one has figured out I’m not bean’s dad, but man, do I wish I was.

I look at Mae, silently asking for permission and she smiles and nods. I’m instantly filled with honor and pride to be able to do this.

I nod before I give Mae a kiss on her forehead. I move toward the doctor, and I fall absolutely in awe. It makes my knees weak seeing this tiny human that means so much to me.

I grab the instrument the nurse hands me and it looks like a pair of scissors. They direct me where to cut, and I as I do, I watch bean squirm and become fussy.

Once the umbilical cord is detached, they carry bean to his little bed where several doctors surround him. Concern runs through me that he was too small to be born this early. Babies usually look bigger, but I have faith everything will be okay.

That faith is shaken up when the monitors on Mae start going crazy and the doctors start moving at such a fast pace it’s hard to keep up.

I go over to Mae and her eyes are closed and my gut just tells me something is wrong. I turn toward the nurse. “What is happening?”

“Sir, I need to you to step out of the room.” I start to shake my head when I hear the doctor yelling orders and looking overwhelmed. “She’s losing too much blood.”

Hearing those words causes a whooshing sound in my ears and my chest hurts. It feels like I’m going to have a heart attack.

“Sir?” the nurse says again, but I step away from her and go to Mae.

“Mae, you’re so fucking strong. Please, don’t stop fighting. Your son and me are waiting for you to come back. Please, baby, come back to us. I love you, Mae.” Tears run down my cheeks as I whisper into her ear.

“Get him out of here!” the doctor shouts.

I make the mistake of looking at Mae’s stomach and all I see is blood. Red floods my vision. Once I’m outside the operating room, I drop to my knees and dry heave. I can’t lose Mae.

I can’t.