Blinded By Love by Reana Malori
Chapter 4
Cade
Norah shouldn’t be here.
Truth was, I didn’t want her here.
But even though I felt that way, I also knew that I needed her here.
Watching Norah with Lilly brought a smile to my face. It had been too many days and weeks since I’d seen my little girl so happy. Hell, it had been much longer than that. She’d been so worried about her mother being sick that her beautiful smile had started to fade. That’s not something that should happen to a five-year-old little girl. Her smile should be the largest thing about her.
She’d lost that for a moment, but today… it was back.
No, Norah shouldn’t be here. My wife should be sitting on the bench with our little girl waiting for me to make them breakfast. Rebecca should be the one making our daughter smile. This wasn’t how it should be.
Rebecca was no longer here. She’d been gone for over a year, but I still missed her every single day. Our talks, her laughter, the way she looked at me as if I hung the moon. All gone. Now, I was only left with the memories of our life together, and it wasn’t enough.
Reaching into the fridge, I pulled out the ingredients for breakfast. This is what I know how to do. Take care of the people who meant the most to me. Lilly was a part of me, she was the best part of me, and she would always be the most important person to me.
As my gaze shifted to Norah, I couldn’t help but shake my head. We’d never been close, but she’d been part of my life for so long. I knew this was where she needed to be, even as I fought her presence in my life with everything inside me.
Finishing up the meal, I sat the plates on the table before beckoning them over. “Time to eat.”
“Aren’t you going to eat?” Norah asked.
I shook my head. “No. I’m good. I had coffee.”
“You can’t live on coffee every morning. You need to be healthy for Lilly.”
For some reason, that got my ire up. “You don’t need to tell me what I need to do for my daughter. I’m fine,” my voice snapped. Her eyes got wide, as did Lilly’s, and I knew it was time for me to step away. Lately, I’d get so caught up with my anger at the situation that I lost focus.
“Don’t yell at me, Cade. I’m here because Lilly needs me, but you’d better watch your tone.”
Her eyes shot fire at me. For whatever reason, we’d always given each other shit, but I wasn’t in the mood this morning. I didn’t care that she’d given up her life to come here and help us.
I huffed as I tried to rein in my temper. Lilly was looking at me with shock on her face. In her short life, I can count on one hand the number of times I’d lost my temper in front of her. Especially during the time when Rebecca was sick.
Ignoring the challenge in Norah’s eyes, I finished cleaning up the mess in the kitchen. Walking over to the table, I kissed Lilly on the head. “Love you, sweetheart. Daddy will be in the office if you need me. So,” I eyed her, “are we going to school today?”
She shook her head at me. “Dad, auntie Norah just got here. I can’t go to school today.”
I should put my foot down and force her to go, but I just couldn’t. She hadn’t truly been happy for a long time. Now that Norah was here full-time, I had a feeling her mood would improve. Maybe it was time for me to stop trying to control every situation. Glancing over at Norah, I noticed she was still looking at me with that fierce gaze. “What do you think?”
It took her a few moments to respond. She stopped glaring at me and turned to Lilly. “Sweetheart, you can stay home today, but after that, we need to get you back to school. Deal?”
I watched my daughter nod her head with glee. She hadn’t agreed that easily to anything I’d said over the past year. Maybe I should feel jealous, but I wasn’t. I’d take the gift she was giving me. Maybe with Lilly back in school regularly, I could get back to the office.
The woman had only been here for an hour, and things were already changing. I wasn’t sure if I liked how fast things were moving, but this is what I wanted. Isn’t this why I told Norah she needed to return to live with us? Stepping back, I refilled my coffee mug and made to leave the kitchen.
“I’ll be in the office if you need me,” I mumbled, leaving them to their breakfast.
A chair scraped against the floor, and a second later, I heard Norah calling after me. “Cade? Cade, please stop.”
I didn’t want to. My body was primed to walk away and get away from her. Maybe it had been the wrong decision asking her to return. Just by being here, she made me remember things I wanted to forget.
“I can’t believe you’re acting like such an asshole. I just got here. You asked me to come back, Cade. Do you want me to leave?”
That stopped me. Her question pierced me, and my body froze. Her leaving was the one thing I knew I didn’t want. Heaving a sigh, I refused to turn around. “No, I’m not asking you to leave. Lilly needs you here.”
Without looking at her, I could feel her body shifting. She was silent for a few seconds before speaking. “I miss her, too. I miss the sound of her voice when we talk over the phone. Her laugh was so weird, but every time I heard it, I smiled. Just being around her made me feel lighter than I ever thought. She was my best friend, my sister. Every story about every significant moment in my life begins with the words, me and Rebecca. There’s nothing more I want in this world than for her to be here. With Lilly. With you.”
She paused and took a deep breath. I couldn’t turn around, because if I did, she’d see the utter devastation on my face. So, I remained with my back to her.
“I’m sorry that you have me as a sorry substitute for your wife.”
“You’re not a substitute for Rebecca. She was my wife. You can’t replace her.” Even as I heard the words come out of my mouth, I knew they sounded off. No, she wasn’t Rebecca. They were very different people. Norah wasn’t my wife or Lilly’s mother. She couldn’t replace Rebecca because that would never be possible, but Norah had her own place in this house, and I knew her love for Lilly was real.
Norah gasped, and I couldn’t help but turn to look at her. Eyes shiny with tears, she stared at me with a look of horror on her face. I wanted to reach out to her, to let her know that I wasn’t trying to be cruel—that I was just stating a fact. She wasn’t here to replace Rebecca, and I didn’t want her to feel as if she needed to.
The woman had literally picked up her life and relocated to my home simply because I’d demanded it. She loved my little girl that much and was honoring the memory of her friend. I would always appreciate what she was doing for us, but the hurt and grief were too raw right now. Maybe I hadn’t entirely dealt with my wife’s passing. Then again, I wasn’t ready. I felt as if my heart had been ripped out, leaving a gaping hole where the organ should be.
The only thing keeping me going was my daughter.
I rubbed a hand down my face as I stared at Norah standing in front of me, looking so broken. We’d both gone through hell as we watched Rebecca fade away right in front of our eyes. “Listen, that’s not what I meant.”
She nodded and interrupted me. “Yes, it is. You meant every word. Just forget about it,” she waved a hand at me. “Why don’t you keep on going to your office. Lilly is fine with me. I cleared my schedule for the rest of the week, so I could get situated here. And for your information, I would never try to replace Rebecca. You’re a sorry motherfucker for saying that to me. How about I stay out of your way, and you stay out of mine? My only purpose is to help that little girl in the other room.” She wiped her eyes as she turned away from me and stormed back in the direction of the kitchen.
My feet shifted as if to follow her, but I paused. The last thing I needed was to piss her off more. She wasn’t in the mood to hear it, and I honestly didn’t know if I had the words in me. Not sure how long I stood there, but when I listened to my daughter’s giggle from the other room, something in me relaxed.
Things may not be perfect, but they would be okay. They had to be. There was no other way. Norah being here wasn’t ideal, but she was the best option I had for my daughter.
Time to get my head in the game. Work was still waiting for me, so I headed into my home office to focus on that for as long as I could.
Three hours later and I was still sitting in my home office, too distracted to do any real work. Laughter could be heard outside my door. Then again, I hadn’t shut it all the way. I wanted to be able to hear Lilly if she needed me. Every so often, I’d hear her childish giggle along with Norah’s deeper laugh. They would run through the house, squealing as they played whatever game that had their attention for the moment.
My attention should have been focused on work, but I hadn’t gotten much done. If anything, I was less productive today than I’d been before. Neither of them had come in to ask me if I wanted to join them. Not that I would have, but it seemed the courteous thing to do would be to ask. Playing games wasn’t my thing, but I enjoyed the occasional moment of hide-and-seek.
Sitting back in my chair, I sighed deeply as I looked over to the chaise lounge that Rebecca had made her own. She’d sit there while I was working, usually reading a book. Because of my job, she didn’t need to work, but she was active with Lilly and other social endeavors. I didn’t care what she did, as long as she was happy. When she smiled at me, my whole world felt calm. Peaceful.
“I miss you, Rebecca.”
It’s not that I was expecting her to answer, but it felt good to say the words out loud.
“Tell me I’m doing the right thing,” I couldn’t help but plead.
As the silence lingered, my heart began beating rapidly. “Rebecca, I’m not ready to do what you asked. It’s not right. How could you ask me to do something like that?”
I know my wife loved me. She knows I loved her—still love her. Anger rose inside me at her final words to me before she died. She’d told me her hopes and dreams for Lilly. She also shared her thoughts about her hopes and dreams for me in the future and that was the part I was having trouble with.
I couldn’t help the smile that lifted my lips as I thought about my wife. She was one of the sweetest and most manipulative women I knew. Maybe that’s why I loved her so much. She matched me in ways no other woman had.
Even if she hadn’t been the one that I’d been initially going after the night we met, I knew everything turned out the way it was supposed to. If I hadn’t married Rebecca, there would be no Lilly. Who would have taken care of Rebecca when she was sick? I was the best person for the job.
My life had been good. Amazing.
Who cares if I sometimes wondered what my life would have been like if I’d connected with Norah that night instead of Rebecca? Would she have been good for me? The woman drove me crazy, but she was passionate about what she believed in. No matter what was going on in our lives, she never backed down. She always gave me shit, even when I didn’t deserve it.
Even so, she loved fiercely and protected the ones she cared about, which is why she was here now. Yes, I’d demanded that she return and live with us full-time, but I know Norah. She doesn’t do anything that she doesn’t want to. If she hadn’t wanted to be here, she would have stayed in Baltimore. I knew that for a fact.
That didn’t help the soul-sucking guilt I felt. How could I look at Norah and think about what a life would have been like if she’d been the one I’d married, when my own wife—her best friend—had only been gone for a year?
Yeah, I’m an asshole.