Swallow Your Pride by Sarah Blue
LIQUID COURAGE
My workat Kemper’s is easy. Fitting in at the office, though, is feeling near impossible. The only people I talk to are Penny and Aiden. And Aiden is all business. He hardly even looks up at me when I go into his office to discuss something, which hasn’t been frequent. Everyone else treats me like I’m a scarlet letter. Like I chose to be the bastard child of their fearless leader who lied to everyone.
I’m so sick and tired of being judged based on my parents’ sins. I used to be treated like a pariah because my mother was an addict, and now I’m forbidden because my father was an adulterer. It makes me wonder what I will become. Right now, I mostly feel like a failure and a victim. And I really don’t want to be the fucking victim any longer.
Penny’s ponytail swooshes against my cubicle wall as she smiles at me. “Hey, we’re all going to get drinks tonight. You in?”
Maybe this is my in, maybe if the office is plied with enough alcohol—if I’m plied with enough liquid courage—I could make some headway.
“Sure, I’d love to,” I reply to Penny.
“Great, it’s right down the street, so we can walk. Everyone usually leaves around four-thirty on Fridays.”
I look at my phone, another slew of notifications I ignore as I check the time. Only an hour left till everyone leaves for the day.
“Great, come grab me and we can walk together?”
Penny nods and smiles back at me before she walks away and heads back to reception. I can handle this, I’ve got to at least try. I’ve got to come out of this shell that I’ve built around myself. I didn’t used to be this uncomfortable in social situations, but I feel like I’ve been beaten down too many times and it’s just made me disappear.
I don’t want to be lost and floating through life anymore—I want to be me again—even if I’m not completely sure who I am.
I can’t stop my nervous fidgeting as I watch the clock slowly tick away. I am slowly working my way through Kemper’s current catalog of branding, stickers, emailers. Quite frankly, it’s a complete mess. Nothing matches, there’s nothing that indicates a clear brand message, and I’m trying to bring it up with Aiden. I only have the lacrosse and baseball materials left to go through, but it’s going to have to wait for next week.
For the most part, I’m liking the job. I like that I’m going to be able to make a difference here. I don’t see this as a permanent place for me, but for now, I’m grateful. If only I could find my place in the office. When I peek my head out the top of my cubicle, it looks like mostly everyone has already left for the bar. I wait for Penny to say she’s ready to go though. I’m not going to leave early on my first week. Aiden’s door is open, and he has his glasses on as he stares at his monitor. I don’t imagine he’s coming; he doesn’t seem like the type to go out and drink with his employees, but I could be wrong.
Why does part of me hope that I’m wrong? It’s probably just because Aiden is so kind to me. Not just in a being my new boss kind of way, but like he actually cares about me being comfortable here.
I stare at him a little too long. He rubs his thumb against his chin, his five o’clock shadow in full force, and I bet it feels just the right amount of scratchy. More than likely I shouldn’t be thinking about how attractive he is, and I certainly shouldn’t be staring at my boss. Maybe if he could tone it down a little bit, I wouldn’t feel so distracted.
My creepy behavior is quickly averted when Penny comes into view.
“Ready to go?”
“Yeah, let’s head out.” I shut down my computer and grab my purse. This time my sunglasses are already on as we leave the office and walk down to the bar.
“The place is called Mutiny, it’s a cute little spot. Do you have any other plans this weekend?” Penny asks.
“No, just hanging out at the cottage.”
“You should explore some. There’s a lot of great nightlife, but it depends on what you’re in to.”
I feel like if I told Penny what I was in to she would stop being my friend, so I just shrug my shoulders, and she smiles.
“Maybe one weekend I’ll take you up on that.”
“If you like to dance, there’s the best Cuban place a few miles south, or if you like more techno music, there’s a place called Rogue. Then there’s Avalon, of course.” She laughs as she says it.
“What’s Avalon?”
“It’s—” She opens the door to the bar, and I hear her whisper the word fuck. It’s then that I realize Zach decided to come to after work drinks, even though he hasn’t been at the office all week. “Sorry, I didn’t think he’d be here.”
“It’s okay, Penny. It’s not your fault.”
We go to the high top table. I sit next to Penny and Sharon in accounting. James, Lucy, Ed, Huck, and Tabitha are also present. Zach stands at the end of the table with Lucy and Tabitha who seem to hang onto every word he says. James seems involved in their conversation, while Ed, Huck, and Sharon are left out. I guess it makes sense, seeing as Sharon and Ed are in accounting and Huck is in HR. All the others are in sales, it seems to be cliquey for sure.
“Hi, Sharon,” I say as confidently as possible.
“Hey, Jessa, how is your first week?”
“It’s going really well. I think I’ll really like making some new designs and getting to know the business better.”
She nods and takes a sip of her cocktail.
“Do you have any kids?” she asks.
“No, and no secret ones either.” My cheeks heat, and I nearly smack a hand over my mouth, realizing how fucking stupid I am. Sharon surprises me by smiling and laughing lightly.
“And here I thought you were a meek little thing.”
Penny interrupts on my behalf. “Jessa is so nice, I wish more people in the office would give her a chance.”
Sharon sighs and takes a long sip of her drink. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to be standoffish. The office can be a little cliquey and well none of us knew how to approach you.”
“It’s all good. Really, I’m just happy to be talking to you now. What about you, do you have kids?”
Sharon raises her hand waving for the bartender. She orders some fruity blue concoction for the three of us. “Yeah, I have two teenagers; it’s a fucking nightmare.”
“Boys or girls?”
“Boys. It’s disgusting and cruel,” Sharon says and Penny laughs.
“Her son gave their family computer a virus recently from watching porn.”
Sharon swats Penny, who laughs loudly, catching the attention of the cool side of the table. We’re met with unpleasant looks, and Sharon rolls her eyes.
“Fucking sales douchebags,” she mumbles under her breath, and I have to hide the laugh behind my cocktail glass.
I finish the first drink sooner than I intend to, so do Penny and Sharon. I think about leaving now and calling it a night, but then Ed starts talking to me and telling me about his daughters and how much he loves numbers. Then Huck talks about how he surfs on weekends or dives and finds lobsters. It’s the first time I feel like I’m just Jessa and not their former boss’ love child. I’m enjoying myself maybe more than I should, or more than my bank account can allow, but I need this.
We’re on our fourth round when I excuse myself to go to the bathroom. It’s when I’m sitting on the toilet and staring at the bathroom door that I realize I’m drunk.
Fuck.
The cottage is a forty-five minute drive with no traffic, that will be a huge Uber bill. It’s not like I haven’t slept in my car before, I could sober up and then go home. But I should see the rest of the night out first.
After I wash my hands and look at my half-lidded eyes in the mirror, I give myself a little pep talk. I will not say anything embarrassing in front of my new coworkers, and I will get home safely.
When I get back to the high top, nearly everyone has cleared out. It’s just me, Penny, and Sharon.
“Well, girls, I’m gonna call one of my sons to pick me up. At least they can do that, seeing as I had to see my son’s PornHub search history.” She picks up her phone and texts her son before leaving cash on the table and giving us a wave as she leaves the bar.
“One more,” Penny says. I nod, because I feel light, like I have no problems, and I don’t want this feeling to end.
Penny doesn’t order the same cocktails but two shots. We shoot them back quickly, and I have to stop myself from throwing up. I’m extremely proud of myself when I hold it down.
“So, give me the real Jessa.”
“Huh?”
“I know you’re from Virginia, you played field hockey, and who your dad was, but besides that nothing.”
“Because we just met each other.”
“Fine.” Penny waves me off. “I’ll start. I’m the family fuck up.” I open my mouth to speak, and Penny waves me off again. “I was always falling for the wrong guys and changing who I was. I didn’t go to college because my high school boyfriend was in a band and I wanted to be with him. So by the time I left him, it felt too late. The boyfriend after that was a lawyer, and he wanted me to be pretty and shiny. He paid for things, but he was… rough.” Penny looks off in the distance. “This job was something I needed, and well, now I’m working on figuring out who I am without a man. Oh, and I really like dancing, spending the day at the beach.”
I blink at Penny’s drunk confession, and I don’t know if it’s the alcohol or how Penny makes me feel so comfortable, but I lay it all out for her.
“My mom was an addict. I won a partial scholarship because we were low income, but I still have a shit ton of debt. At school I started… um… dating my professor.” Penny gasps, and she rests her hand on her face like my story is riveting. “I really thought we were going to be endgame. It was great for a while; he taught me so much about myself… but apparently, I surpassed his age requirement. I caught him with one of his students a few weeks ago. I packed up my shit and went on a self-exploratory road trip. I was driving down here to meet my dad when Zach invited me to the funeral.”
“Fuck,” Penny says with her mouth gaping open.
“No kidding.”
“How old was he?” Penny asks.
“Forty-three,” I say quietly, hoping she doesn’t judge me.
She whistles and takes a sip of the cocktail that magically appeared in front of her. When I look in front of me, there’s one for me too, and I take a sip.
“What did he teach? No, wait. Let me guess.” Penny taps her chin in thought. “Photography.”
My mouth drops, and she cackles and downs her drink. “How?”
“Oh, who wouldn’t fall for the introspective, hot, older man. I don’t blame you. Hey, maybe this job will be your new start.”
I smile at her and drink my cocktail. “I hope so.”
“Fuck, we need to get a ride.”
“Oh, that’s okay.”
She waves me off. “It’s fine, I’ll call my cousin. I’m sure he’s still in the area.”
“Your cousin?”
She doesn’t answer as I hear her talk on the phone. “Jessa and I drank too much at Mutiny, can you come pick us up?” There’s a long pause before Penny starts talking again. “I know, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Are you picking us up or am I getting abducted by a random stranger?” She nods her head and smiles. “We’ll wait out front.”
The bartender hands us our tab, and I wince, starting to calculate my first paycheck and what’s in my bank account. I decide then that this is my last Friday night out until my check clears.
One of the valets is flirting with Penny when a very familiar white car pulls up and honks. I blanch when I realize who it is.
“Penny, is Aiden your cousin?”
She laughs and waves me off. “You seriously didn’t know?”
I shake my head as she opens the back door, scooting in, and I follow her. Aiden doesn’t say anything, and I feel embarrassed but also still slightly drunk. I do my best to keep my mouth shut as Penny starts talking.
“Thanks for picking us up. Ugh, I’m so tired.” I watch Aiden roll his eyes from the mirror.
“Put your seatbelts on,” he says in a deep voice from the front.
I’ve never put a seatbelt on so fast in my life. Penny acts like Aiden is being bossy but puts hers on nonetheless.
“Your apartment is literally two blocks away,” Aiden says to Penny.
“Hmm,” she says, waving him off. He isn’t kidding, it takes just three minutes to get in front of a small apartment building. Penny has her purse in her hand as she swings open the door. “See you Monday, Jessa!” She walks on wobbly feet, using her keycard and waving to the car before going inside.
Aiden doesn’t drive off, and I swallow thickly.
“Are you going to sit in the back like you’re being chauffeured or are you going to sit up front?”
“I can call a ride, you don’t need to drive me all the way home.”
He gives me a stern look in the rearview that I read as a ‘get in the front seat and shut the fuck up.’ So I unbuckle my seat, open the door and get into the passenger’s seat.
“Do you need the address?” I ask.
“No.”
“Right. Of course you know where it is.” I might say it with more snark than intended, but I’m fortunate that Aiden doesn’t say anything.
“So, Penny corrupted you?”
I shrug my shoulders and look out the window. Because if I look at my brand new boss, who is driving me home because I drank too much, I might fucking die.
“I think I needed a release and for people at the office to treat me like a normal person.”
“Have people been rude to you?” he asks, his tone is even, and I shake my head.
“Just cautious, I think.”
“Hmm.”
The street lights are blurry as I look out the window. “I think I hate my dad,” I blurt out. I’m met with silence, and I close my eyes. I’m not sure if it’s the cocktails or sheer power of will, but somehow I fall asleep.