Swallow Your Pride by Sarah Blue
SEX CLUBS & DADDY ISSUES
It almost feelslike a blessing that she falls asleep on the car ride home. Drunk confessions of what kind of person Collin was isn’t something I want to get into tonight.
Frankly, driving to fucking Clearwater wasn’t on my list of things I wanted to do tonight either. But there was no way I was going to let her or Penny get home in their current state. I can’t even blame Jessa, I know how Penny can be, and I’m sure Jessa’s desire to fit in left her drinking more than she normally would. At least I hope so, this behavior can’t become a consistent occurrence. I scold myself for the line of thinking, like I have any say as to how she lives her life. But there’s something festering inside of me when it comes to her, and I find myself constantly shutting it down.
Jessa’s head is leaned against the window, her dark hair pressed against the glass and spiraling down her side. I can’t help wondering how such a beautiful woman can feel so displaced. From my minimal interaction with her, it’s clear she lacks confidence and is timid when it comes to asking for help or direction.
I shouldn’t be thinking about how good it would feel to give her direction. I’m her boss and that’s it. The direction I give her is solely in the workplace and that’s all. Besides being an employee, she’s my dead best friend’s daughter, and she’s clearly going through something. The latter doesn’t help with my predicament of wanting to make everything better for her, but it will need to be in a mentor type of way. Collin’s last wish was for me to guide his children the same way he guided me, and finding his daughter attractive or just like the type of woman I like, is not what he would have wanted.
She sleeps unphased, her lips parted as she breathes softly as we cross the bridge and make our way to the cottage. I wish I could get out of this situation without waking her up, but that’s not a possibility. When I reach the cottage I park in the driveway and stare at the house for a moment.
I’d taken Collin’s death in stride, but when I look at this house it all hits me. He’s really gone, and I find myself angry with him in a way I’ve never felt before. Angry that he died, that he left me with such a heavy weight, left his children to handle his lies when he couldn’t. But there’s also a part of me that just misses him. His boisterous laugh, going to sports games with him, how he made me feel like I wasn’t a fuck up. Collin was a lot of things, but to me he was the person who stopped me from spiraling. I owe him everything, and I can do this for him. I can follow through on his last wishes.
I grip Jessa’s upper arm and shake her slightly. Her lips close, and she scrubs her eye with the heel of her palm.
“Just a few more minutes, Daddy,” she says.
My heart sinks in my chest and my cock stirs. What the actual fuck.
“Jessa,” I say her name louder and with a stern tone. She blinks her big brown eyes and finally understands where we are. She rubs her hands down the sides of her face, and if it wasn’t so dark in the cab of the car, I imagine I would see a blush across her cheeks. “We’re here.”
She clears her throat and opens the car door. “Thank you for driving me home, Aiden.”
I nod at her. “Do you need a ride to work on Monday?”
“Oh no, I’ll get my car before Monday.”
“If you can’t, will you let me know?”
She nods her head and digs her keys out of her purse. “Thanks again, Aiden.” She walks off and I watch as she turns the key in the lock and enters. There’s a part of me that wants to get out of the car and make sure that she locked the door after going in. But that’s not my place, none of this is, and I can’t help this nagging feeling in my chest. I can’t remember a time I’ve felt this uncomfortable around a woman, and I’m not sure why.
Maybe it’s because she just called me daddy and I have no fucking clue how to feel about it. Lie. I know how I feel about it, I’m just not going to fucking admit it to myself.
I watch as she turns off the lights in the cottage then reverse out of the driveway and head to the one place I always go when I feel out of control.
* * *
Is it fucked up that a sex club is my center? Probably.
It’s the one place I feel like I can be myself, which is pathetic when I think about it. I’ve had a few relationships, but Avalon and my relationships have never been able to coexist. I’ve tried dating women from the club, but it always felt like the relationship was purely sexual, nothing deeper. I wonder if I’ll ever find a balance between the two, someone who can embrace all the sides to me. Or maybe I haven’t truly dug down deep enough to figure out what I need in a relationship, or I haven’t cared enough to try.
The idea of settling down hasn’t hit me until recently. I guess watching someone die will do that to you, make you dissect your own mortality. I just want a woman I can take to baseball games, the beach then bend her over and spank her and finger her pussy till she’s crying—it shouldn’t be this complicated.
I take a seat at the bar. Nothing happens at the front of the house, all clothes must stay on, this part of the club is for conversation and drinking.
The front is decorated with black and golds, the bar top glows a bright white and contrasts against my palm. I wave at Tex who doesn’t even ask for my order, just pours my favorite whiskey and places it on the table top before me. I look around the bar, I know everyone here and I can’t decide what that says about me. There are a lot of couples who come to play with others, and individuals I’ve seen here multiple times. Is Avalon starting to lose its luster?
I sure fucking hope not, because that means I’ll need something else for this energy, for these thoughts. Right now, all I can handle is work, Avalon, and sports. I see Carmen and her husband Leo at the booth. I’ve joined in on punishing and rewarding Carmen a few times, Leo likes to be cucked. But when I look at her now, she doesn’t do it for me. I realize how dramatized Carmen’s sounds and reactions have been in the past, and how much I don’t like it. I think I feel a little used in their dynamic, like Carmen is getting pleasure, Leo is getting off on it. Sure, I enjoy myself, but it feels surface level; I want something more. I need something beyond this physical dominance I can enjoy for the night, but I’m not sure what that dynamic looks like outside of these indulgent walls.
I guess Avalon isn’t the place I should be looking for a genuine connection, but it’s all I got. Especially as I try to rid myself of the image of Jessa sleeping in my car and calling me daddy.
It’s not a term anyone has called me before. Sir and a slew of other terms. But daddy, I never considered myself that type. But I liked it more than I’m willing to admit. Maybe if I can test it out tonight. See if it’s the term, the meaning behind it, or my worst fear, the fact that I might like it from Jessa’s lips.
I drink another thick sip of whiskey when Carmen and Leo approach me.
All conversation goes through Leo as he clasps a hand on my shoulder. “Hey, Aiden.”
“Leo, Carmen.” Carmen gives me a small smile. I tilt my head at her and realize immediately that this isn’t what she wants tonight. It’s quite pathetic that I can read her cues better than her husband. The way she looks at him, she wants him to step up, I don’t think she minds the sharing, she definitely got off when we were together. But I think she wants a connection with Leo. The sad thing is, I don’t think he gets off unless he’s watching. Not wanting to be in the middle of their marital drama, I shake my head and pull my phone out of my pocket. “Shit, I’ve got to go. I’ll see you guys next time.”
Leo nods, and I watch as Carmen gives me a wider smile. Maybe all she wants is her husband for the night. But the fact is, their marriage is none of my business. All I know is that if I were in Leo’s shoes I’d never want to share. I’ve been happy to facilitate in the past, to get my own needs met, but maybe trying to fill this void isn’t what I need anymore.
Leo and Carmen head to the back and I take a sigh of relief. If this isn’t what I want anymore, what will fix this itch, and do I even deserve it?
I nod to Tex to just add the drink to my tab when I leave. It seems that not even Avalon can help clear my head tonight, all it’s doing is making my thoughts louder.
It’s well past one when I get back to my place. Maybe I should get a pet or something, that way this place wouldn’t feel so vastly empty.
My bedroom feels worse than the living room, so I lie on the couch and look at the ceiling. I wonder what it is that I’m feeling. I’m turning forty next year. Am I worried about being alone forever? Does it feel like time is passing me by too quickly? Or is it something more that I don’t know how to describe even in my own consciousness.
* * *
My front door slams and I’m jolted awake. I grab the baseball bat I have sitting by the coffee table and grip it between my hands as I walk into the foyer.
I’m about to swing when I see my brother Lincoln standing there with his arms in the air.
“Jesus fucking Christ, Aiden. What are you going to do, bash my fucking brains in?”
“What are you doing here?” I say to him, pointing the end of the bat at him.
“We’re supposed to go to the range you prick.”
I scrub my face and put the bat against the wall. “Sorry, I forgot.”
“Thankfully you didn’t crack my goddamn skull open.”
I wave my brother and his dramatics off. “Let me just go get changed.”
“Yeah, if you went to Avalon, do us all a favor and wash the scent of pussy off ya too.” He snickers as he says it, and I regret not knocking the daylights out of him at that moment.
I take a quick shower and get dressed. There’s a crick in my neck from sleeping on the couch and I’m rubbing out the tension as I walk down stairs.
“Some broad ride you hard last night?”
“Shut the fuck up, Linc,” I say his nickname with a little disdain. Out of all my brothers, Linc likes to ride me the hardest. To be honest, I think it’s all a cover up to hide what a fuck up he thinks he is. It must be a Carlson family trait, the more I think about it.
“Touchy, touchy. Let’s go get you some coffee, princess.” The bastard gets me coffee and a donut and I feel some of the frustration leave me.
“Can’t we go to the batting cages instead?”
“Oh, if you’re a good boy we can.” Yeah, I really should have beat his ass with that baseball bat.
When we get to the range, my dad, Jeff, is there as well as my two other brothers, Benjamin and Gavin.
“Hey, Son,” my dad says, and I sit down next to him as my brothers bicker over the line up and start placing bets on who is going to score the most points. My dad puts an arm around my shoulder. “How ya doing, kid?”
“Fine,” I reply, and he squeezes my arm.
“Collin was a good man, I know it’s a lot.”
“I’m fine, Dad.”
“Told you he was being a little fucking bitch today,” Lincoln says. Benjamin laughs next to him as he puts his golf ball on the tee and lines his shot up.
“Something else got your panties in a twist?” Gavin says, grabbing the pitcher of beer and pouring himself a glass.
“Yeah, the fact that I’m related to you fuckers.”
“Oh you love us,” Benjamin says as he brings the club back and hits the ball in the air. We watch it fly across the field.
“No, actually. Mom and Dad should have stopped at me and never given me siblings.”
“And have our parents live with that kind of disappointment, I don’t think so,” Gavin says, taking another deep gulp of his beer.
“Leave Aiden alone. He just lost a friend,” Dad says, trying to intervene.
My brothers lay off for a little while after getting scolded until it’s my turn to drive. “Don’t fuck it up,” Linc says as I swing, slicing the driver through the air. I pretend the ball is my brother’s face as I hit it further than anyone else.
“No fucking fair,” Benjamin bitches. My dad gives me a wink as he lights up his cigar. I should slap it out of his hand, but the man makes his own choices.
I sit back down next to my dad, and he squeezes my shoulder. “Proud of you Son,” he says quietly so my brothers can’t hear and all I can think about is whether his pride is deserved.