Always Been You by Lily Miller
Fifteen
Olivia
Parker squeezesmy hand and weaves his fingers through mine. His other hand grips the steering wheel, driving us to a secret location. My window down, the sun warms my skin. I rest my head back against the seat and gaze out the window. I watch the Cypress trees roll by as the city fades away behind us and I think I might just be the happiest I’ve ever been in my entire life.
“You good, babe?”
“I’m better than good. I feel like I’m in a dream. But I’m dying to find out where you are taking me. It’s killing me.” I turn my head to face him, the breeze from the window blowing loose strands of my hair across my face. He grins, his eyes hidden behind his Ray-Bans which make him look even hotter than he usually does. I’m not sure how that’s even possible.
Parker had arrived at Bloom in the late afternoon, stealing me from work, and surprising me with a weekend away. I’m still shocked that he would go to the trouble of planning this for us. Ellie was even in on the surprise, which made me feel so good. We left Bloom and went straight to my apartment, packed my bag and hit the road. His bags were already packed in the trunk along with some road trip snacks and a box of my favorite caramel apple croissants. He never seems to forget a thing.
As we drive along the highway, I can’t help but feel excited about spending time alone with Parker without work or distractions. Is that how I’m now referring to my father returning home from prison? A distraction? Why can’t I manage my feelings about this? Why can’t I better understand why I’m feeling this way? I wish I could feel happy to have my father back again. Instead, it just feels like re-opening old wounds. I’ve built a wall around my heart to protect it from the scrutiny, the disappointment and the shame. I decide to focus on the weekend with Parker, trying to ignore the sinking feeling in my gut.
Just under three hours into our drive, I spot a sign for the town of Seaside and Parker veers off the highway to the exit. I straighten my back, sitting up in my chair, and Parker notices the excitement in my face.
A few miles up the road, we pull into a quaint little town with Victorian buildings and red brick cobblestone streets. There is a charming B&B on the corner, painted in a shade of butter yellow, with a porch lined with rocking chairs. A small coffee shop and a restaurant called the Lobster Shop are anchored beside it. There are children riding scooters and couples strolling the streets hand-in-hand. I can’t wait to get out and explore with my man.
I steal another glance at Parker, trying to read his eyes for clues of exactly where he is taking me. He catches me staring at him and the corners of his lips turn up.
“Are you going to tell me where we’re going yet?”
Parker turns to me with a wry smile. “Nope! What kind of surprise would it be if I told you before we got there? Patience, my sexy girl. You are just going to have to wait and see. But first we need to make a quick pit stop for groceries.”
He flips on his turn signal and makes a right into a parking lot.
We go into the grocery store and purchase enough food and essentials to hold us over for the weekend. Whatever I eye or touch seems to make its way into our shopping cart thanks to Parker. He pulls me into his hard body every chance he gets, covering me in kisses in practically every aisle of the store. With each kiss and embrace, the stress that seems to have taken root in my body eases. I’m starting to feel more in the moment with him. I want to make the most of each and every second of this weekend together. He deserves that. We deserve that.
The sun is still shining brightly in the sky when Parker turns his Audi down a paved driveway. It leads down to a stunning home on the edge of the ocean. Parker tells me it’s his cousin’s cabin and it’s all ours for the weekend. The home is so large that calling it a cabin seems ridiculous. It has a pillared front porch entrance and is covered in wood shingles the color of driftwood, with a painted white trim. The manicured lawn in the front of the house gives way to sand dunes edging the back. I’m in awe.
“Parker, this is gorgeous. It’s really all ours for the weekend?”
“All ours, babe.” He flashes me a sexy smile and I swear my heart stops for a split second.
He parks the car and steps out, jogging around to my side. He helps me from my seat and slips his hand in mine as we walk to the front doors.
I feel his hand rest at the curve of my back guiding me through the front doors. Impossibly, the inside of the house is even more impressive than the outside. It has a warm, lived-in feel with an open floor concept and exposed beams in the vaulted ceilings. There are water views from almost every window at the back of the home. The living room boasts a large wood-burning fireplace and a pair of leather recliners. I envision the two us cuddled together in front of the fireplace with a glass of wine and my heart warms.
We move through the house to the gourmet kitchen at the back of the home, where French doors lead to an outdoor dining area. I can see a dock at the foot of the beach with a large boat house and wonder what floats inside of it.
“Do you think it will do, Liv?”
“I think I’d be crazy if it didn’t do. It’s just beautiful. I can see the ocean from every angle. Thank you for bringing me here, Parker.”
“I’m happy you like it. I sort of knew you would.” Parker winks. “There’s still one part of the tour left. Let me show you the master bedroom upstairs and then I’ll bring in our bags from the car. Follow me.” He takes my hand, tugging me behind him.
Parker leads me up a set of wood stairs to a long hallway with four bedrooms. The master bedroom is on the left with a king size four poster bed covered in white linens and a mass of accent pillows. We move inside towards the French doors leading out to a balcony overlooking the ocean. My hand glides over the gauzy curtains and I take in the view. I feel Parker behind me. He wraps his arms around my waist and nestles his face into my neck. I exhale. He breathes me in and my skin tingles all over. I run my hand up the side of his face and rest it behind his ear. My fingers play with the short strands of hair at the base of his neck and I drink in his scent. That scent. I swear I’m going to figure out how to bottle it one of these days.
“There’s a boat in that house that I thought we could take out tomorrow.” He says, pointing toward the dock. “I was thinking we could pack a lunch and head out for a few hours. What do you think?”
“Yes!” I practically squeal and turn in his arms to face him. “I might never leave here. Can we stay forever?”
I grew up on my dad’s boat. We spent most of our summers exploring different bays and eclectic marinas, sleeping in the small cabin down below. We would kayak in the ocean and fish off the bow. We barbequed whatever we managed to catch in the evening and played board games, listening to the classics because those were my dad’s favorites. They are my fondest memories with him, before he was gone.
Parker is beaming as I clasp my hands around his neck. His hands join at the arch of my back.
“I could never say no to you, Livy. The answer will always be yes with you. If you like it here that much, we will buy a place.”
“We will? Parker, I don’t have that kind of money.” I clear my throat. “I didn’t mean for it to sound the way that it did.”
“I know that.” He tips his face down towards me and places his lips on my forehead. “But I do have the money and what’s mine is yours when we get married one day.”
“Married? Don’t you think you are moving a little fast?”
“Honestly, I don’t think we are moving fast enough. Livy, if I thought you would say yes, I would have already moved you into the beach house with me permanently. I hate the thought of going to bed without you and waking up alone in the morning. I want more of you. This is it for me. It’s only you. It’s always been you.”
I feel my knees go weak and I’m thankful I have Parker’s embrace to hold me up.
Did he really just say we’d be married one day?
He feels the same way about me as I do about him. He has to. He wouldn’t see marriage in our future if he didn’t love me. I want to tell him how I feel but I’m confused how he could be ready for a commitment so soon? This is Parker Bennett standing in front of me. Gorgeous, successful, sexy as sin with a history of serial dating. My head is still spinning when he pulls me from my thoughts.
“Livy, what’s wrong? Where did you just go?” His eyes narrow as he looks at me.
I bite my bottom lip and pause.
“Livy, talk to me. Don’t shut me out.”
“You are saying all the right things, Parker. It’s everything I want to hear, so please don’t take this the wrong way. It’s just, it was only a few weeks ago you couldn’t commit to more than one night with a woman and now you are talking about a lifetime with me. How can I be sure that you really want this?”
“Because none of those women were you. There’s a reason why I never let myself get close to anyone else. My heart belonged to you. It still does. You wrecked me the day you broke up with me. I couldn’t function for months.”
I flinch knowing I have never given him the truth. The real reason I broke up with him.
“I didn’t want a relationship with any of them because they weren’t you. Funny thing is most of them were brunettes. I don’t even fucking like brunettes. I think I subconsciously sabotaged things with those women before they even began.”
“Great, now I’m left with this image of you and some hot brunette with her hands all over you. I’m going to need to bleach my eyes out.” His laugh makes my heart so full that I feel myself smiling.
“Do you feel better?”
My mind is still spinning at his admission and I need to remind myself to breathe.
“Listen to me, I need you to believe me when I say I am ready for this. It’s important to me that you know that.” He locks his gaze on mine.
“Yes Parker, I do feel better and I do believe you.” I go up on my toes and kiss his mouth, his nose, the tip of his chin and the center of his neck. “But right now, I’m going to a scary place,” I say in mock seriousness. “I am super hungry, and you are about to see my hangry side. I’m warning you it’s not pretty.”
“That’s my cue! Why don’t you go sit outside with a blanket and enjoy the view while I unpack the car? And don’t argue with me. Then, I’ll make you something to eat.”
“Fine, if you insist.”
I sink into a chair on the patio while Parker runs to and from the car, unloading our things. I breathe in the salty scent of the ocean and it immediately eases the tension in my body. My mind replays our conversation in the bedroom. The complexity of our situation keeps making my mind whirl.
He eventually brings me a glass of wine and some cheese and crackers to snack on. We decide to stay in and make dinner. Parker grills us two steaks and I put together a salad and baked potatoes. It feels good to work together in the kitchen, a glimpse of what life could feel like one day in the future.
We eat dinner on the patio, enjoying the cool breeze off the ocean, and make plans for tomorrow. We clean up the kitchen and I let Parker know I’m going to run upstairs to the bedroom and grab my sweater.
By the time I return, Parker has started a wood fire in the living room and cleared the coffee table away, replacing it with a bed of blankets and pillows. He’s opened a second bottle of wine and there are two glasses waiting for us on the hearth. He motions for me to sit down and I lower myself on to a cushion beside him.
“This is so cozy. I feel spoiled.” It’s been a long time since anyone has gone out of their way to care for me and make me a priority. And I have to admit I like it. I never would have imagined a year ago that I would enjoy sharing so much of my life with another person. My quiet and lonely apartment has felt normal to me for such a long time.
“I like spoiling you. It’s my job.” Parker shifts to his knees to stoke the fire. He sits back down and I hand him his glass of wine.
He takes a sip and sets his glass back on the hearth and I can feel a shift in his energy. He clearly has something on his mind, his jaw is clenched, and I can’t help it, I start to panic. My neck feels warm all of a sudden.
“Livy, can I ask you something?”
“Of course.” I fiddle with the hem of my sweater, not sure where he is going with this. From the hitch in his voice, it doesn’t sound good.
“Why did you break up with me? When we were kids. I know what you told me, but what was the real reason?”
Shit. Is this really happening right now? I could lie but I know Parker deserves the truth, and I need to give it to him if we are going to take the next steps in our relationship. I’d known I would have to tell him soon, but I don’t feel prepared to have this conversation right now.
He moves a little closer to me, removing my fingers from my sweater and intertwining them with his. I fix my stare on our hands as I start to explain as best as I can.
“I lied.”
“I know. I just never could figure out why.”
“You were so sweet to me and I loved you. That never changed. Ever.”
“Then what happened, Liv?” he asks. “I want to know.”
My hand is still in his, and I’m sure he can feel my pulse racing. I inhale a deep breath and continue. “My dad had just been charged and sent to prison to serve his sentence. It was all over the news. It was a struggle for me to even function. I heard the whispers in the hallways. I saw the stares. I was humiliated and ashamed and in so much pain.”
“I remember. It was awful. I did everything I could to protect you.”
“Yes, you did.”
“So, what happened Liv?”
“You brought me to Hunter’s end-of-year party at his house. Do you remember?” Parker nods. “I didn’t want to go but you thought it was important that I get out and carry on with life. You said I needed to surround myself with my friends. So, I went.” I swallow the lump in my throat and exhale.
“I remember the night going better than I expected and I actually managed to have fun. I forgot for a few hours about all the heartache I was dealing with at home. You hadn’t left my side for most of the night, making sure I was okay until I finally convinced you I was fine and that you should go talk with your friends. You were at the bar in the living room with the guys and I watched you from across the room throwing your head back in hysterics at whatever it was they were saying. It made me happy to see you happy.” I can still to this day see that image in my mind, likes it’s imprinted there forever.
“Hunter approached me, seeing me watch you laugh with your friends.” I pause. The words that will fall from my mouth next will have repercussions. They are words that have been taking up space in my head for a long time. The fear of telling him gets to me and I blank for a second.
Parker scratches his head; his mouth opens, then shuts again. He’s choosing his words carefully. “Did he say something to you?”
“He… he said…”
“What did he say Livy? What did he say to you?” his voice raises in frustration and he’s looking at me with a pointed stare.
“He said I would be crazy to ever think I belonged with a guy like you. He said something about your pedigree and how your family would never allow you to embarrass them by dating the daughter of a convicted felon. He said my time was up and that I should do you a favor and break up with you because you were too nice of a guy to do it yourself.”
Parker blinks at me and I see the rage in his eyes.
“I will fucking destroy him.”
“Parker, please. Take a breath.”
“Why would you believe that bullshit? I never once gave you reason to think I would leave you after your dad went to jail. Not once, Livy.” I watch as he releases my hand. His eyes darken two shades and his mouth presses into a thin line.
“I was confused. Hunter was practically the closest person to you. He was like family to you and I knew he cared about you, so I considered what he said. I figured he knew something I didn’t. It wasn’t hard for me to convince myself he was right; I was already so ashamed and embarrassed about what my family was going through. I knew after graduation you would have the whole world at your feet. The sky was the limit for a guy like you. You didn’t need me holding you back or ruining your good name. I kept watching you with your friends. You were so happy. I was the exact opposite. I started to feel like I would never be able to bring you that same happiness and it wasn’t fair to you.”
“Jesus Livy. That was not your decision to make. It was mine. You took it upon yourself to decide what was best for me without even considering how I felt. You had no right.” Parker gets up suddenly and starts to pace the room.
“Fucking Hunter. That prick.” His voice is sharp. Then he mumbles something I can’t make out.
“Parker, I’m sorry. I thought at the time I was doing the right thing. I never wanted to hurt you. You have to believe me. It was never my intention. Breaking up with you nearly destroyed me. I’ve never felt pain like that. Everything inside me was screaming in pain for months. It’s my biggest regret.”
“I wish you would have just told me what happened. You made an assumption about what I wanted for my life without even asking me. You should have known me better than that. I’ve never been an asshole to you.”
“I was in such a terrible place. I was insecure, my whole life had drastically changed. I wasn’t thinking straight, and I was just so young. I know I hurt you but at the time I thought I was doing what was right for you. I thought if I let you go then you could have the life you deserved.”
Parker shakes his head and squeezes his eyes shut. He stops pacing and his gaze finds mine.
“Livy, this cost us eight years. Eight years apart that we will never be able to get back.”
“Parker, who’s to say we would have stayed together? We can’t change the past, we can only move forward from here. And I want to move forward with you.”
His jaw tightens and his fists clench. My heart hammers in my chest and it feels hard to breathe. I give in to my emotions, feeling the sting of my tears pooling my eyes.
“Talk to me. Parker, please. Come sit with me. I’m scared.”
“Why are you scared? Livy, please don’t cry. I can’t stand to see you cry.” He moves closer and slowly lowers himself in front of the fire again with me.
“I don’t want to lose you.”
“I’m not going anywhere, Livy. I just need time to process this. I want to knock Hunter the fuck out.”
“I don’t blame you.”
“He’s lucky I’m not in Reed Point right now. I’m going to kill him for the way he made you feel. You didn’t deserve that.”
“I’m sorry I never told you, Parker.”
He runs his fingers over his temples and his jaw muscles flex. The pressure building from deep down inside me is too much and the tears that were stinging my eyes began to spill. They roll down my cheeks, my hands swiping them away. I feel desperate for Parker to touch me.
“Come here Livy, I’ve got you.”
Parker gathers me into his chest. I feel his chin rest on the top of my head and his hands roam my back.
“I’ve got you. Don’t cry, Livy. Please don’t cry.” His arms wrap around my body a little tighter.
“I hate that I upset you. Can you forgive me?” I ask in a soft voice, my cheek pressed firmly against his chest.
“You, I forgive. Hunter, not ever.”
“You two will need to talk.”
“Talk? I’m not interested in talking to him.”
“Parker, you don’t mean that.”
“Like hell I don’t. How could I be friends with a guy like that? How could I ever forgive him for what he said to you.? I’m done talking about him.”
His jaw is a little less clenched and the warmth in his eyes is back. So, I gather my courage and ask, “Are we okay, Parker? Do you want to go back to the city? I will understand if you do.”
“No Livy. I want to stay right here with you. I’m not mad at you. I understand why you did what you did. I don’t like it but you’re right, what’s done is done. Let’s finally just put the past where it belongs.”
“I’d like that. I would probably feel better if you kissed me.”
“I’d like to do a hell of a lot more than just kiss you right now.” He smirks and takes my hips in his hands.
I stare into those deep brown eyes that have the power to destroy me. He pulls me closer to him, so I straddle his lap. His eyes turn dark and drop down to my mouth. He covers my mouth with a kiss and my lips part giving his tongue all the access it needs to find mine. He kisses me breathlessly. I tip my head back as he drags his mouth down the sensitive skin of my neck.
“Parker.” I moan his name.
“I’ve got you, baby.”
“I know you do. You always have.”