Always Been You by Lily Miller
Eighteen
Olivia
I packthe last of my things in my bag and take one last look at the view of the ocean from the bedroom windows. This weekend was a dream, and I will never forget a second of it. I’m full of hope for a future with Parker. I am finally ready for us.
Then I remember that we’re leaving. I’m trying my best to hide my disappointment that we have to return to Reed Point earlier than planned. It’s not Parker’s fault and I understand that, but that doesn’t make it any easier. The peace I felt over the last two days is already starting to subside, knowing the reality I will face tomorrow. It’s actually just as well that we are leaving early. As much as I don’t want to step out of this fairy tale, I should get home and call my mom and Kate and figure out the details for tomorrow. I feel my body tensing, not knowing what to expect. How will my dad react to us? Will he think he can just walk back into our lives like nothing has ever happened? And will my mom erect a welcome home banner? Throw a party? Good Lord, help me.
Parker walks through the door and I plaster a smile on my face as best I can. I don’t need him feeling any worse than he already is about leaving.
“Hey baby, all ready?”
“Yes. All packed.”
He wraps his strong arms around me from behind and kisses my forehead. I lean into his embrace.
“I’m sorry we have to go. I wish we could stay here longer.”
“I do too. Parker, please don’t feel bad. I know this wasn’t your choice.” I rest my head against his shoulder. “How long will you be gone?”
“I should only be gone for a few days. Don’t worry Livy, you won’t even have time to miss me. I will be filling up your phone with messages and calling you every chance I can get. You are going to be so sick of me, you won’t want me to come back.”
“Never.”
Parker takes my bags, loads the car and we head back to reality. The drive home is quiet, both of us dreading the next few days for so many different reasons.
Parker pulls to a stop in front of my apartment and we both hesitate, not wanting this weekend to officially be over. The silence gets the better of me, I reach for him over the console, kissing his cheek, and then ask him to walk me to the door. We meet on the sidewalk. Parker has my bags, and we walk the short distance to my door. Every step feels like agony knowing that Parker is leaving. I open the door to my apartment and Parker places my bags inside.
“I wish I could stay, Livy, but I really have to go.”
“I know, Parker. Thank you for an amazing weekend.”
“I miss you already. I’ll call you as soon as I get there.”
We hug each other for a long time, neither of us wanting to let go. When we finally do, Parker promises to call me when he arrives in Cape May tonight, check in with me a minimum of one hundred and fifty times tomorrow and Facetime chat before bed. Then he’s gone and I’m left wondering how it’s possible to miss someone so much after only five minutes. And I know this is just the beginning of long goodbyes. I know the day is coming when Parker has to go back to the city, and I need to stay and run Bloom. If this is any indication of what those goodbyes are going to feel like, I won’t make it through.
I’m trying to take one day at a time, but the thought is always there lingering in the corner of my mind. I haven’t for the life of me figured out how we can make things work between us and it terrifies me. Reed Point is where my heart is, where my life is. I’ve worked hard build to my business here and I’m not ready to walk away from Bloom. I’m proud of the success I’ve achieved and there is still so much more I would like to accomplish. I can’t just walk away from the company I’ve grown from the ground up, and I don’t expect Parker to walk away from his life either. But I can’t think about any of this right now, because I need to deal with my dad.
I make myself a cup of tea and curl up on the couch with my phone, needing to call my mom and my sister. I call Kate first, biding time before I talk to my mom. She picks up on the second ring.
“Hey Olivia, I wasn’t expecting to hear from you until tomorrow morning. Are you still away in Seaside?”
“No, unfortunately I’m home. We had to leave Seaside early. Parker has an emergency meeting tomorrow morning which meant we needed to end our vacation early.”
“Aw, I’m sorry. I hope you still had a great weekend despite calling it short. Did you like Seaside?”
“We did Kate, it was such a great weekend. Parker is honestly the best boyfriend.” I know I sound like a schoolgirl with a crush, but I can’t help it. And honestly, I don’t even care.
“He planned everything so perfectly, and Seaside is the cutest beach town. I can’t wait to go back.” I fill her in on the rest of our trip, from the gorgeous house we stayed in, to our boat day and stroll through the little town.
“I’m happy for you. You deserve it all, Liv. He really is a great guy and you two are going to have the most beautiful babies.”
“Ha! Don’t get ahead of yourself. How can we make babies if we can’t even figure out how to live in the same zip code?” I set my tea on the side table and flop back onto the sofa, hugging my knees into my chest.
“It will all get worked out. If you two love each other, you will find a way. That I know for sure.”
“I hope you’re right. But the real reason I called is to talk about the giant cloud looming over our heads - tomorrow and dad’s release. Have you heard what time he’s getting out?”
“A tentative time. Mom talked to his lawyer and it looks like sometime around four o’clock. So, I was planning on being at mom’s house for two. I can pick you up along the way if that will work for you?”
“That would be great. Thanks Kate. Can you swing by Bloom? I should work in the morning considering I’ve been a little MIA lately.”
“Ellie understands. Don’t worry for a second. She is just as happy as I am for you and Parker. But yes, I can pick you up at Bloom. Where are you at with all of this? How are you feeling about seeing Dad tomorrow?”
I watch the steam rising from my mug and reply, “God Kate, I just don’t want to see him. Does that make me a bad person? I am really nervous how my reaction will be when I do see him. How are you feeling about it?”
“I’m nervous too, but I’m looking forward to putting this all behind us. Mom is happy and although you and I have mixed emotions about that, it’s her life and she’s a grown woman. If she can put it all behind her and move forward, then we have to support her.”
“You are probably right, but I just don’t get it. I know how happy mom is, but I can’t get past what he did to her. The man cheated on her for over a year and destroyed our family in the process.” I know Kate is right but unlike her, I just can’t leave it in the past. I could never forgive my husband for sleeping with another woman half her age, let alone the illegal shit he was doing behind our backs.
“Olivia, I am struggling with it, too. I don’t expect to have a perfect relationship with Dad right away, but we have to try and piece together some kind of relationship with him for Mom’s sake. You don’t have to forgive him. Let’s just see what he has to say.”
“Oh, don’t worry, I’m not forgiving him. I’m nowhere near forgiveness.”
“I can appreciate that. You don’t have to forgive him today, tomorrow or even next year, but you do have to find a way to move past it. For your sake. You need to put this to rest so you can move on with your life and truly be happy.”
Over the years, I’d wondered if it would ever be possible. I’ve been so bitter and angry that forgiveness has seemed impossible. But I’ve found happiness now and being happy can put things into perspective. I don’t want to hold a grudge forever and it would be nice to have my family back together. I know I’ll never be able to forget what he did, but could it be possible to find forgiveness?
“I know you are right. I’ll try to keep an open mind tomorrow. I better run, I need to call mom and I should probably down an entire bottle of wine before I do that. I can already hear her now. How excited is she? Like a forty on a scale of one to ten?”
“Let’s just say you’ll want to make it a quick call. And yes, I recommend the wine.”
“Tell me she didn’t order a slew of pink flamingos for the front lawn?”
Kate chuckles. “Close. But even she’s not that crazy.”
“Let’s hope. Okay, I guess I’ll get this over with. See you tomorrow, Katie-Kat.”
“See you tomorrow, Olivia.”
I take my mug to the kitchen and swap it for a glass of wine. I’m definitely going to need something stronger for my next call.
My mom is in an annoyingly fantastic mood when she answers the phone. She is clearly excited that the big day has finally come. I bite my lip, not wanting to steal her joy, but it’s hard. So hard.
“Hi angel, did you hear? Your dad will be released at four tomorrow. Isn’t that just the best news? You are able to make it, right? He’ll be so happy to see you.”
“Yes Mom, I’ll be there. I already talked to Kate and we will be by your place just after two to pick you up.”
“I know it’s going to be tough, but your dad really wants to make amends with you and your sister. He just feels awful for what he’s done to you both. I hope one day you can find it in your heart to forgive him.”
It’s not worth getting into it with my mom. We have never seen eye-to-eye on this subject and that isn’t going to change anytime soon. It’s easier if I just tell her what she wants to hear.
“I’ll get there, Mom. I just need some time.” I flick on the television as a distraction.
“Olivia, try not to focus on the bad. There was plenty of good, too. Your dad was a wonderful father to you. Remember all those summers on the boat? He taught you how to fish and you two would sit on the back of the boat for hours waiting for a bite. He never missed one of your school theater productions and he would treat you and your friends to ice cream after every performance. There was nothing he wouldn’t do for you.”
I sigh, trying to keep the frustration from my voice. “I wish I could forgive as easily as you, Mom. I really do.”
“It will come, baby. Go into it with an open heart. That’s all I ask. Speaking of an open heart, will you be bringing Parker?”
“Unfortunately not, Mom. He was called to a hotel he is overseeing in Cape May at the last minute, so he left today. He should be gone only a few days.”
“That’s too bad, Olivia. Hopefully he will be able to visit with us soon. I would love to see him. It’s been so long. I always liked him. He was sweet to you,” she continues, clearly in the mood to chat. “How are things going with him anyways? You’ve been seeing an awful lot of each other lately.”
“Things are great between the two of us. They couldn’t be better. I know he would love to see you too. I’ll bring him by the house soon.”
“I would love that, honey. Okay, I need to run. I’m getting my hair done at the salon, so I look my best tomorrow. I love you.”
“Love you too, Mom. See you tomorrow.”
I hang up the phone and exhale. Although my mom drives me crazy at times, she is one of the most loving and giving mothers a girl could wish for. It was hard for her after Dad left, but even then, I knew she was trying her best to make Kate and I feel loved. Some days her broken heart just won out.
I say a silent prayer that tomorrow goes well. I think about going to the beach and watching the waves, but I’m too tired from the weekend and lack of sleep. I decide instead to change into my pajamas and hop onto my bed to write. I pick up my journal from my bedside table and try to pour my thoughts onto paper, hoping it will help me gain perspective. The silence in the apartment is almost eery after having Parker around for the last few weeks.
Three hours later, I’m woken to the sound of my cell phone. It takes me a minute to figure out where I am and that I fell asleep while writing. It’s a Facetime call from Parker and I pick it up immediately, hoping he’s calling to let me know he arrived safely.
The screen lights up with his gorgeous face and I’m immediately regretting that I didn’t at least put a brush through my hair before I picked up.
“Hey baby. There’s my beautiful girl. You are in bed, is everything alright?”
“Everything is fine, babe, I fell asleep writing in my journal. I guess the weekend must have caught up with me. I’m happy to see that you arrived safely in Cape May. How was the drive?”
Parker is shirtless and he’s leaning against the headboard of his bed in his hotel room. His hair is messy and his five o’clock shadow is just the right amount of stubble. He is insanely attractive without even trying. I still can’t get over how good looking he is.
“The drive was good. It was lonely without you, though.”
“I miss you, and seeing you looking the way you do right now isn’t helping.”
“Looking the way I do? What does that mean?”
“You know, your bare chest, your tousled hair, looking all sexy.”
“Sexy, huh? You think I’m sexy?”
“Yes, sexy.” Parker has always been able to bring out my playful side and I love how that feels. I love our banter back and forth. “On a far less enticing note, I talked to my mom and Kate. My dad should be getting released tomorrow around four. Kate is going to pick me up at work and then we will pick up my mom and make the drive.”
“Are you okay?”
“I’m fine. I promise.”
“I’m worried about you, Liv. I fucking hate that I can’t be there with you.” His eyes reveal a pained expression as he runs his hand down his jaw.
“I know. Please stop worrying about me. Okay, subject change. How’s Cape May? Do you think you’ll be happy living there?”
“It’s definitely not New York. It’s actually a lot like Seaside, just bigger. The streets are wider, the beaches are larger, but still clean and beautiful, and it has most of the stores that I’m sure you like to shop in. You will love it here. There are a lot of other towns nearby too, so there’s plenty to see and do. Maybe you could come with me the next time I have to go for work?”
“That sounds great. But won’t the next time be when you move there permanently?” Without me.
That’s all I can think of when he talks about Cape May, the fact that he will be moving there without me. I look anywhere but at him, hiding the sadness reflected in my eyes.
“Not necessarily. I’m going to put off the move as long as I can. And once I do move to Cape May, I will drive back for weekends so we can see each other.”
“Parker, that seems like a lot of driving. I can’t ask you to do that. It wouldn’t be fair to you to spend hours every week in a car. Or safe, for that matter.”
“I know Reed Point is where your heart is, I would never expect you to leave. I know Bloom is like your baby and I completely understand that you don’t want to walk away from it. I will do what I have to do to make our relationship work. And if that means I come back to Reed Point on weekends and any other chance I get, then so be it. Remember Livy, living in Cape May is a temporary move for me. It won’t be forever.”
I can’t help but wonder if we will ever be able to live in the same city together. Right now, it feels like that is impossible. Could I really live this way for the next couple of years, waiting for weekends to see my boyfriend? I guess I don’t have much of a choice. If I want to be with Parker, and I do more than anything, I’m going to have to suck it up and be patient.
“We’ll find a way, Parker. One day at a time. Together.”
“That’s my girl. I love you and you love me and together we will make this work.” Parker yawns and stretches his arm to the sky.
“I’ll let you go. I know you must be exhausted. It’s been a long day for you. Go get some rest.”
“Okay babe. I’ll give you a call in the morning. Good luck tomorrow, Livy. I love you.”
“I love you, too. Night.”
We end the call and I roll over onto my side, waves of apprehension fluttering through me. My life has never been better and never been more stressful, all at the same time.