Always Been You by Lily Miller
Twenty-One
Olivia
I hangin downward dog and see Kate’s face staring back at me from between my legs. She sticks her tongue out at me and we both start laughing. We get shushed by our instructor followed by a dirty look from the yogi beside us, but we could care less. We can’t help but act like silly kids when we are together. We should probably reconsider yoga and try Zumba for our fitness regime. Ellie is doing her best to hold it together but failing miserably. She flops out of her downward dog and onto the mat. It isn’t graceful. It also isn’t quiet. I try to keep myself together. It’s probably for the best that Jules had a prior commitment tonight, having to ask for a rain check on our girls’ night. We all seem to be in a mood tonight, acting a whole lot extra than usual.
We bow our heads in namaste to end the class and head to the changing room, receiving glares from an older woman who I’m guessing is pissed that we ruined her class.
“That was all your fault in there, Kate. I doubt we will be welcomed back.”
“Whatever Olivia, you need to loosen up. You’ve been a total grump since Parker left two weeks ago.”
“Kate is right, you know. I have the pleasure of working all day, every day with you and you have been acting like a rotten three-year-old who’s been told no. I can’t take much more. You need to get your ass to Cape May and get laid.”
The same woman who gave us the evil eye earlier is now eavesdropping on our conversation from the bench. She looks appalled.
“I thought it was bad when you were all love and unicorns shitting rainbows, but sad and mopey Olivia is way worse.”
Although Ellie is hardly eloquent with her choice of words, she does have a point. I haven’t been myself. It was ten days ago that I had to watch Parker pack his things and walk out the door. It was one of the hardest days of my life and it hasn’t gotten easier. I knew being away from Parker was going to be difficult, but I didn’t expect this constant ache in my chest that never seems to go away. Parker and I have been texting and Facetiming multiple times a day but it’s just not the same. I need to touch him, to fall asleep in his arms and wake up to his gorgeous face in the morning.
I’m not up for dealing with this judgemental woman who looks like her head is going to pop off at any second. I grab my change of clothes and head behind a curtained changing room. I know Ellie is right. I can barely stand to be around myself in my sad state. I need to figure out how to deal with this.
“When are you two seeing each other again?” Ellie’s voice sweeps over the curtain beside me.
“Not for another week.”
“Another week? Oh, hell no! I can’t take your shitty attitude for seven more days. I will never survive. Why not this weekend?”
“I can’t. We have two big events this weekend. I have too much work to do.” I fling my sweat top over my head and adjust my ponytail.
“And Parker is not coming here?”
“He has a meeting scheduled for Saturday morning and with the two events I have on Saturday and Sunday, I told him I would be too busy to see him.”
“Olivia Madden, you know we have Leah and she and I can handle the shop without you. We can also handle the events this weekend. You are going to see Parker. I have everything under control.”
“That’s only two days away. I can’t leave on such short notice.”
“What exactly do you need to do? Pack a bag and go. What do you really need to pack anyways? I’m sure you’ll spend the entire time naked in Parker’s hotel room. I doubt you two will even stop boning to eat.”
“You should surprise him,” Kate says, adding her two cents to the conversation. “You can knock on his door and do the whole naked under a trench coat thing. Just spare us the details.” I stuff my gym clothes into my backpack and throw open the cotton drape. I sit on a bench to lace up my sneakers. Thankfully, the woman with the judgy eyes has left.
“Seriously, Olivia. Kate is right. He won’t expect it and he will love it. You need to listen to your little sister on this.”
“Okay, I’ll do it. You sure it’s okay, Ells, that I leave you this weekend?”
“Positive. I will smash you if you don’t go.” Ellie emerges from her changing room dressed and ready to go.
“Eek! I’m going to see Parker in two days!”
“And just like that, she’s back to her unicorn shitting rainbows self again. That was easy.” Ellie throws her arm in the air and turns, opening the changing room door, waiting for us to follow.
The next two days are a blur. I help Ellie and Leah prepare the flowers for this weekend’s events. The first is a gender reveal party, the second a baptism. We’ve done enough of these events that we have it down to a science. I’m not really sure why I was afraid to leave Ellie and Leah. It definitely won’t be an issue. I’ve done as much as I can today to make sure they aren’t overwhelmed, which means it’s time for me to hit the road.
“Have a great weekend, Olivia, and drive safe. Text me when you arrive so I know you’ve made it. Love you.”
I head to my car with my suitcase, taking a minute to call my mom. I’m sure she won’t miss me now that she has my dad to fawn over, but a call to let her know I’m heading out of town is only polite. She sounds happy and it makes my good mood even better. As much as her excitement over my dad annoyed me at first, I have come to accept it. She was lonely for so long and had to sacrifice a hell of a lot. She gave up everything she had the day my father was arrested, so I have come to understand that she deserves to be happy today, in whatever form that takes.
I chat quickly with my dad too, and listen to his spiel about not doing anything he wouldn’t do. I think he forgets I’m twenty-six and not the teenager I was when he left us. I roll my eyes and go with it. He adds in a few dad jokes before we hang up. I actually think it is kind of cute. What’s also cute is that my dad and Parker talk frequently. Parker has been so helpful at advising him on new industry trends and has been a sounding board to bounce ideas off of.
The drive to Cape May feels like an eternity. I pass the time listening to my favorite country music playlist, thinking up ways to surprise Parker. I drive straight there without stopping, my body humming with excitement.
It’s just after eight o’clock when I pull off the highway and turn into the hotel Parker is staying at. I park my car and flip down the visor, checking my appearance in the tiny mirror. With a fresh coat of lip gloss, I head inside the lobby of the boutique hotel, leaving my bag in the trunk. I can come back for it after I pull off the surprise.
Check-in is to my right as I enter the upscale lobby. The walls are painted jet black, accented with white moldings and colorful abstract paintings with a large cream-colored light in the ceiling that resembles a sea urchin. Black leather armchairs and tall green tropical plants fill the lobby. The sound of live music filters in from a large arched entryway leading to a dimly lit lounge. Round tables with dark green leather bucket chairs mark the center of the room. A white marble bar with backlit mirrored liquor shelves stretches across the crowded room to the left of the entry way.
As I run my fingers across the soft velvet of one of the couches, my eyes suddenly narrow on a beautiful woman sitting on the edge of a bar stool wearing a form-fitted black cocktail dress, her nude-colored four-inch heels teetering on the foot rail of the stool. Her long legs cross at the knee, and she oozes temptation and sin.
My gaze follows her seductive smile to the dark-haired man sitting in the stool in front of her. His back is to me but I don’t need to see his face. I would know that man anywhere because he is mine. I am intimately aware of every inch of his body. A wave so strong it causes tremors ripples through my body. What I already know is confirmed when he turns his attention to the bartender, flashing his credit card between his thumb and two fingers. His profile hits me like a punch to my gut. It’s Parker. My eyes blink and my knees go weak. A landslide of emotions hits me with full force. This can’t be really happening.
This must be a misunderstanding. Parker just told me he loves me. He meant it. There’s no doubt in my mind he meant it. Memories of his body tangled in mine at the beach house flood my mind. Parker calling me Livy girl, his strong arms wrapped around me as we danced together in the sand. I reach for the star pendant around my neck, rubbing it back and forth between my fingertips, and decide there is nothing going on between the two of them. There can’t be. Parker would never betray me. I will give him the opportunity to explain.
I walk towards him, never taking my eyes off the woman who I can now see clearly. She is beautiful. A sickness rolls in my stomach.
Her legs uncross and she shimmies from her seat. She stands in front of him, their bodies so close her knees must be touching his. She leans forward and her hand reaches for him, clutching his thigh. I stop dead in my tracks and my breath hitches. My legs feel weak again and my heart plunges in my chest. She’s confident and aggressive and nothing like me. She’s looking at Parker like she wants to devour him. My Parker. I want to smack her and knock her classless body across the room.
Her other hand moves behind his neck in one quick motion and her lips are on his.
My vision blurs, the sick feeling in my belly creeping up my throat. I can’t take one more second of this. I whirl around, stumbling on weak legs, grabbing hold of the velvet couch in front of me to steady myself. My eyes burn, welling with tears. There’s a knot in my throat. It’s increasingly harder to breathe.
An older gentleman with concerned eyes is now at my side, his hand on my forearm, but I don’t hear a word he’s saying. I just know I need to get out of here. I race towards the door, leaving my heart in pieces on the floor of the lobby.
I drive away, sobs bursting from my lungs. There is an ache in my throat and my chest feels as though it’s trapped in a vice. I wipe the tears from my eyes and realize I have no clue where I am driving. It doesn’t matter as long as it’s far away from the one person I trusted the most. The one person who I thought would never betray me.
I need to catch my breath. I need to figure out where to go. I consider calling Kate or Ellie but the shame cuts too deep. I want to be alone. I need to go home to Reed Point. The tears continue falling down my cheeks. Pull yourself together.
I drive along the coast, tears blurring the lines on the road. I pull my Prius into a parking lot. There’s a pier and a handful of cars, the lot full of teenage kids tailgating and having a good time. The windows on the Mustang beside me are fogged. I don’t want to imagine what is happening in there.
I put my car in park and force myself out the door on two shaky legs towards the pier. The ocean is calling to me like it always does when I need to think. I fill my aching lungs with the cool air, the breeze covering my skin in goosebumps. They also could be blanketing my skin from the shock of what’s just happened. I pull my sweater tight around me, walking further towards the setting sun.
I stand at the head of the pier, tears stinging my eyes. I will my knees not to give out on me. The pain is almost too much to bear. I feel like such a fool, a complete and total idiot to think that Parker could have changed. I have no one to blame but myself. I put myself in this position. I let my guard down. A leopard never changes its spots, isn’t that what they say?
I hate myself for believing he could have been happy without all the other women. How could I be so stupid to think I could have ever been enough?
I stay at the pier for half an hour, feeling defeated and lonely, before making the decision to drive back home. If I leave now, I’ll be home before midnight. I can’t be in this town with Parker. I want my home and my bed. I want to hide away from the rest of the world.
I return to my car, my head heavy from crying. My phone rests in the cup holder, flashing with an incoming message. I pick it up and check the screen. I have several missed calls that all went to voicemail. I delete them all without listening, shift my car into drive and make the long drive home in silence.
By the time I arrive home, I am all out of tears. My heart is shattered, a gaping hole in its place. I drop my bag at the door. There are memories of Parker everywhere I look. The coffee table where we ate Thai food the night I decided to let him back into my life. The kitchen counter where we undressed each other. My bedroom where we made love over and over in my sheets, until the sun came up and we needed to finally rest. The pain in my chest tightens. It’s relentless and I wonder if it will ever go away.
I walk into my bathroom and strip my clothes to the floor. I turn the lever on the shower and wait for the temperature to rise. I step into the hot shower and let the nearly scalding water rain down over my skin. I tilt my face up to the spray hoping it will ease the strain in my eyes, and the throb in my head. I wash my body and my hand finds the diamond star around my neck. As much as I hate Parker right now, I can’t bring myself to take it off. I remember how I felt opening the small box. My eyes squeeze shut. I’m so confused. I could’ve sworn what we had was real. Who am I kidding? It took all of two weeks living in a different city for Parker to find someone new.
I wrap a towel around my body and run a brush through my wet hair. I throw on a tank and my sleep shorts and crawl into bed. The scent of Parker suffocates me. My sheets smell like his soap, like fresh rain and cedar. I pull my knees into my chest and I close my eyes. I pray for sleep.