Always Been You by Lily Miller
Four
Parker
She is gone.I had a few brief moments with Olivia and just like that she’s gone. Again.
I want to run after her, but I know it would do me no good. I know she can’t be pushed, that it would only make things worse. But that doesn’t mean I am giving up. There is something in me that knows I need to see her again. An ache in my bones. After all these years, it only took seeing her to reignite the spark and now everything in me wants- needs- to see her again. To touch her again.
She looked beautiful. No, beautiful isn’t a strong enough word to describe Livy. She was eighteen the last time I saw her and eight years later she still has the power to destroy me. Petite at just over five feet with an out-of-this-world body that I had trouble peeling my eyes off of. Her legs in those skinny jeans and her slender waist and curvy hips. Her full, pale pink lips and that smile that you only needed to see once to know you’d never forget. Long golden hair falling in waves far past her shoulders with sun kissed platinum highlights and her large round deep brown eyes.
I had seen her first, standing at the bottom of the stairs, and it felt like the world had stopped spinning. It took me a second to remember where I was.
Could she really be standing right in front of me, in my house, after all of these years?
I had crept her on social media over the years but her accounts were all private so I could never get very far. I knew she and Ellie had opened Bloom a few years back and I had driven past it last time I was in town, not sure if I was hoping to get a glimpse of her or not. I didn’t see her. I had heard that she’d dated a few guys over the years, and it had stung me with jealousy. She was my girl once and I would always wonder what could have been if she hadn’t pushed me away. I was in love with her. I would’ve done anything for her. It killed me when she broke up with me without warning. I never saw it coming.
I’ve never forgotten that day.
We had walked the beach after dinner and set up a blanket on the sand, watching the last of the vacationers leave for the day. The air was warm that night and we had stayed there for an hour, Livy lying between my legs with her back pressed against my chest. I’d wrapped my arms around her body, my cheek resting against her hair.
We watched the waves roll in and talked, in between kissing, about everything and nothing. She was quieter than usual but never in my wildest dreams would I have thought we would be over in a matter of hours.
We left the beach and drove back to her place in almost complete silence. I knew she was battling her thoughts, but I couldn’t get her to tell me what was bothering her. She had been through so much, more than anyone deserved to go through at her age, but I had promised her I would be there for her every step of the way. And I meant it.
Pulling up to her house, I had put the car in park, and she turned my way with a look of defeat. She told me she couldn’t see me anymore, that we weren’t right for each other and she needed to end things. I was completely blindsided. My head spinning, I struggled to make sense of what she was saying. She couldn’t be doing this, making this mistake. But Livy’s mind was made up and there was nothing I could do to change it. We loved each other, that much I knew- but I couldn’t beg her to stay. The rest of the night was pretty much a blur, except for the memory of my heart broken into pieces.
I left for New York three weeks later, after reluctantly accepting the job offer from my dad. My parents thought it would be best for me to get a change of scenery, to immerse myself in the distraction of a new city. They knew Livy and I had broken up, that couldn’t be hidden, but I hadn’t given them any other details. I was so damn protective of her and it felt like betraying her, to talk about something so personal with anyone else. My first instinct had been to stay and fight for her, but she wouldn’t return any of my calls or texts. I stopped by her house a few times, but her mom would never let me see her, telling me that Livy wanted me to leave. I didn’t know what else I could do.
So, I left for New York thinking that space was what she needed. I came back a few months later to try again. I had hoped she’d be in a better head space by then and we could work things out - but it was too late. She had moved on with another guy. I hadn’t even been back in Reed Point for twelve hours when I saw her holding his hand walking down First Street. It took everything in me to not stop the car and go to her. Tell that asshole to fuck off, that she would always be mine.
As much as I wanted to, I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t take what was no longer mine. She, more than anyone, deserved to be happy. And if she was truly happy, then I had to let her go.
“Was that who I think it was?” Miles asks as he rounds the bottom of the stairs.
“It was Livy,”
“You saw Olivia?” My mother asks, rounding the corner from the kitchen. Her eyes widen at me, a perplexed expression covers her face.
I run my hands down the sides of my face and to the knot forming at the back of my neck. “Yes, Mom, and she just left.”
“Did you speak to her?” she presses, as my eyes move from Miles to her, still wrecked with the image of Livy in my head. I am trying to commit to memory what she looked like after all of these years.
“We did, Mom, we talked but she was in a hurry to leave. Did you know she was going to be here?”
“Well honey, I booked Bloom to do the florals for the party, but I never expected to see her here in our home. I just assumed she would send someone else to do the setup. Parker, are you okay? You look light-headed.”
“Yeah Parks, are you going to make it?” Miles chuckles as my mother’s eyes pin him with a glare.
“Miles, your brother was in love with Olivia and it has been a long time since he’s seen her. Give him a break.”
“Exactly, Mom.” I sigh. “It was a long time ago. It’s no big deal. I just wasn’t expecting to see her in our home. It caught me off guard, but I’m fine.” I’m hoping the answer is enough to get my mother and my brother off my back so I can have some breathing room.
“Oh Parker, you know you have always had a thing for that girl. You’ve never been able to let her go. The heart wants what the heart wants, and you are powerless to stop it. You just have to go along for the ride. My advice to you, and I’m aware it is unsolicited, would be to go get her back.” She smiles and turns back towards the kitchen, leaving me with that thought.
Typical. I am used to my mom guiding my siblings and I through life. Not pushing, just gentle nudges in the right direction. She has always been good at walking that line, giving us the advice we need but not orchestrating our lives for us. Her love for us is unconditional, never suffocating. And while she stops short of meddling, with four kids she has become an expert at handing out well-intentioned advice.
“What you need is a drink, Parks, let’s get a sixer. Don’t be getting all soft on me.” Miles claps my shoulder and steers me towards the living room.
Miles isn’t the type to get attached, so he would have zero clue how I feel. He has always been that way and these days it suits his movie star life perfectly. He has no problem sleeping in a different bed in a different city every night of the week. To some extent I have been living that way too. Walls up. Guarded. Never really feeling things. I’m not sure I have ever realized that until this moment, when I’m actually starting to feel something again.
Liam, Jules and my parents join us in the living room for a pre-party drink. Guests will be arriving soon and my mother insists on having some time with just the family, even if only for an hour. The family home is a gathering point for each of us, one we all like to come back to. It is probably much too large for my parents now that the four of us have moved out, but my mom doesn’t hide her hope that it will one day soon be filled with spouses and grandchildren.
My sister moved out last year, leaving my parents empty nesters. She moved in with a roommate, a friend she met in college, and they live about ten minutes away in a two-bedroom apartment near the water. It is a quick commute for her to work at the Seaside or to my dad’s office at the house and I know it makes my mom happy to have her nearby. Her boyfriend Alex is a nice enough guy, from what I’ve heard. I don’t know him well because I’m not around much. But Liam gave him the stamp of approval after a good couple of months of hazing, so that works for me.
“There will be no talk of business today, do you hear me? I want to know what is new in all of your lives.” My mother places her cup of hot tea on the side table, looking at each of us in turn. She is used to family gatherings veering off into discussions with our dad about the Seaside.
“I’ll sum it up really quick for you, Mom,” Miles begins. “Liam is working 24/7 and hasn’t gotten laid in a year. Jules is still dating Alex and wondering when and if he’ll ever put a ring on it and Parker is enjoying the many amenities that the Seaside penthouse has to offer, if you know what I mean.”
I raise my middle finger at him with a smirk.
“Miles, mind your manners. I don’t need to hear about any of my sons’ sex lives or lack thereof,” my mom shoots back.
“Whatever, Miles. You have a list thirty pages long of women you have discarded from your contacts,” my sister snaps back. “I shudder at the thought of the tally.”
My mother takes a deep breath, while simultaneously giving a death stare to my sister. It’s an impressive bit of multi-tasking.
“And what about you, how did the movie go?” she asks Miles, turning her attention to him. “I know you said Natalie Landon is so sweet to work with. It’s nice to know she has a good head on her shoulders. I know how those Hollywood types can be.”
“It went great. Natalie made it easy. She was never demanding with the crew or other actors, she’s a true professional and she works hard. I’ve got two months off before I start filming in Iowa, which I think will be cool. I’m planning a beach vacation in a few weeks and then I’ll start prepping for my next role.”
“That sounds wonderful, son. I’m thinking a trip to visit you in Iowa sounds like a great plan. What do you think, Grace? It would be nice to visit a state we have never been to and we could see Miles at the same time.”
“I would love that, honey. Now Liam, what’s been going on with you? Is there anyone special in your life?” My mom is many wonderful things, but she isn’t exactly subtle at times. We all know she is practically hearing the patter of tiny feet on the hardwood floors already.
“Nope, mom and I like it that way. I have zero time to worry about someone else. It’s just me and Murphy and he keeps me plenty warm at night,” Liam jokes, referring to his 80-pound golden retriever. “And besides, work is busy. I have a big case I’m working on and it’s not an easy one.”
I am only half-listening to what is happening around me. My mind is stuck on Livy, plotting what my next move should be.
I know it will be an uphill battle, but when I want something, I can be relentless. I don’t have her phone number or her home address, but I know where she works. My mind is made up, I will go there tomorrow and talk her into seeing me. Stalking is not a good look, I know, but if it gets me more time with Livy then I will be the best damn stalker there is. I shake my head. What the hell is wrong with me?
Realizing that guests will be arriving in forty-five minutes, mom sends us off to get ready for the night.
I am staying in my childhood bedroom, which hasn’t been altered since I left home. There is a row of old soccer trophies lining a shelf and a few souvenirs from family trips that feel like a lifetime ago. A wood desk full of old textbooks rests underneath the window.
I flop myself onto the double bed that I have long since outgrown, reach for my laptop and type Livy’s name, hoping she’s eased up on her privacy settings since the last time I checked. It’s like Fort Knox trying to dig up anything on Livy. I also check her Facebook page, but have no luck there either. I try her sister Kate’s social media accounts and find that she is under lock and key too. Dammit!
I give up and get dressed in my navy suit and white dress shirt and head downstairs for a drink. The party has begun, and the house is full of family and friends. I’m determined to have a good night so I hit the bar for a tumbler of whiskey and start making my rounds.
Olivia
Standingin front of my full-length mirror, I adjust my Lululemon running shorts and then make sure my ear buds are securely in place. Some people run to lose weight, some people run for a cause and some run to balance their minds. I am definitely the latter. I leave my cell phone at home, not wanting to answer the onslaught of texts pouring in from Ellie, and Kate. Both are clearly dying to know how the Bennett delivery went and if I had run into you-know-who while I was there. I’m not ready to be grilled just yet.
I had come straight home after swapping the Bloom van for my Prius, thankfully avoiding bumping into anyone I know. I washed my face with warm water to remove the little makeup I wore, threw my hair in a ponytail and changed into my running clothes. My body was still buzzing from seeing him, excitement rushing through my veins.
I had often wondered if the day would come where I’d see Parker again, and what it would feel like if it did. Now I know. The few moments we spent together reminded me of what that boy could do to me. His lips on mine, his hard body, my name falling off of his tongue. In an instant, it all came rushing back. He is still just as gorgeous, even more so. I didn’t know how that was possible or even fair. Every part of me wanted to know what he felt like again, tasted like, but I couldn’t let him get to me. He was an addiction I know I could never kick.
I leave my apartment and head out on my usual five-mile route towards the beach. The warm, dry air against my skin feels like comfort and my tension-filled muscles begin to release. My racing mind slows as I get closer to the water and I feel a calm wash over me as the ocean waves draw closer. I run along the beach towards the park then take a detour through town, feeling the air pump through my lungs.
I pick up the pace as my apartment comes into view, pushing my breathless body the last two blocks home. I slow to jog as I round the front of my building, feeling that runner’s high that my body has come to know and crave since I began running in college.
Once inside, I scroll through my texts and emails, finding one particular text I knew would be waiting for me. It’s from Ellie, wanting to know how the event went. I have avoided her long enough. I owe her the full story, so I shoot her a quick text back. I plan on heading to her place next so I can tell her all about it when I see her.
ME: Hey Ells, bringing you Gatorade and soup. See you in 30.
ELLIE: It’s about time! You’re holding out on me. Your best friend status is in jeopardy, woman.
ME: Not nice, Ells. *eyeroll*
ELLIE: See you soon. Kate is en route too. You didn’t think she was going to miss this did you?
ME: You two suck so bad.
After a quick shower I throw on a pair of tights and an oversized sweater and tie my hair in a top knot. Good enough. I hop in my car and head to Ellie’s, making a quick stop at Whole Foods for the care package. I snag a parking spot in front of her building and head up the stairs to her fourplex.
Kate and Ellie are lounging on the couch when I arrive, looking at me like they are ready for an inquisition. I decide to drag it out a little longer, heading into the kitchen and pouring the soup I had just bought into a bowl. I find a spoon in a drawer and bring both into the living room, interrupting their conversation.
“Does she look okay to you?”
“I’m not sure. You?”
“I don’t think she looks okay.”
Kate and Ellie whisper talk back and forth as I drop myself into the armchair across from the sofa the two are sitting on.
“I’m right here, and I have two fully functional ears. I can hear you.”
“Well then for the love of God spill it now!” Kate demands as she pours me a glass of Pinot Grigio from the open bottle on the living room table.
“For the love of God, you are killing us! Dish now,” Ellie adds, taking her first slurp of the chicken noodle soup.
“Okay, I’m not sure where to even start.”
“Before you get into it, we just need to know… Did you see him?” my sister questions me, her brown eyes wide with anticipation.
“I did, you guys. I saw Parker.”
“Oh em gee!” They both squeal.
“Okay, start at the beginning. We want all the deets.”
“I can’t believe I actually saw him after all this time,” I sigh, dropping my head in my hands, remembering how ridiculously gorgeous he looked. I gulp down a mouthful of my wine and start to fill them in on my day.
“First, work: The event set up went smoothly and Mrs. Bennett loved what we did, Ells. She was so happy and the house looked so beautiful. She couldn’t stop thanking me. Mr. Bennett even commented on how wonderful the house smelled. It was stunning.”
“Please tell me you remembered to take photos for social?” Ellie asks, looking like a little color is returning back to her face after drinking half of the soup.
“I did Ells, I took so many and they are going to be amazing. Her house is magazine-worthy, so the flower arrangements looked even more impressive. I wish you could have seen the backyard. It looked magical; what fairy tales are made of. I am so proud of us, Ellie. Taking on this event was the right thing to do.”
“Was it the right thing to do because of the publicity we are going to get or because you ran into Parker?” Ellie smirks. “Now get to the good stuff.”
“You guys, I’m falling asleep with all this talk about flowers. Get on with it. Get to the part where he took you upstairs to his childhood bedroom and you slept together for old times’ sake.” Kate grins, clearly enjoying this.
“Seriously Kate, gross.” I can’t help but laugh. This is a different side of Kate than I’m used to. My sister is normally more reserved. She is a kindergarten teacher, and that is her true passion in life. She treats her students like they are her own and her classroom is always lively and full of creativity. We’ve grown very close in recent years, but I usually save the details of my sex life - or lack thereof- for Ellie.
I replay it all for them both, from the second Parker and I locked eyes until the minute I bolted through the door. They both groaned when I admitted that part, but I have no regrets. Whatever this is between us, it won’t go any further. He lives in New York City; he likes his fast-paced life in a big city with lights and action. I’ve heard all types of action, which turns my stomach. I, on the other hand, am the exact opposite. I know I could never leave Reed Point. Leaving my family, my sister, Ellie and Bloom is not an option. And having my heart broken by my now playboy ex is not something I’m interested in chancing.
“It was nice to see him, but it wasn’t what you guys think,” I lie.
“Oh, come on, you’ve got to be kidding me. There had to be sparks. You go all wiggy every time his name is brought up.” Ellie mocks, pointing her spoon at me like it’s a weapon.
“I do not,” I lie again. “It’s all in the past. You guys are making this into a bigger deal than it is.”
“At least tell us what he looked like. Was he fuckable?” Ellie always cuts right to the chase.
“Stop! He looked good. Okay, he looked better than good, but that doesn’t mean I want to go back down that road.” I insist. The lies just keep on coming like word vomit.
“Don’t you think this could be fate, Liv, that you two ran into each other after all these years?” Kate questions me, a glimmer of hope in her eyes. I consider her question.
“I don’t believe in fate anymore. It was bound to happen at some point.”
“Did he ask to see you again?” Kate pushes, not letting it go. This is the question I had hoped they wouldn’t ask. I know they will be all over me once they hear my answer.
“Yes, but I told him no. I hardly see the point in that. He’s happy in New York and I’m happy here. And I would have to be crazy to take a chance on him. Come on, you’ve both heard the rumors of all the women he’s been with. It wouldn’t be good for either one of us to go down that road again just to go our separate ways.”
“They’re rumors, Olivia. You of all people should know about judging people without knowing the facts. Don’t you think you should at least hear what he has to say? I really think you should re-consider, Liv. If you really feel like this is no big deal, then what’s the harm in meeting him?” Ellie pushes.
“It’s not going to happen. Time to give up, girls.”
They stop pushing me, but I know it won’t be for long. These two know me better than anyone and I’m sure they can see right through me, like a perfectly clean window.
I push all thoughts of Parker from my mind. He is my past. That’s where he needs to stay.
One thing I know for sure - I can’t fall for Parker Bennett a second time.