Always Been You by Lily Miller
Eight
Parker
I findher on the patio, her back to me, the full moon shining down on her like a spotlight through the clear black sky. Her body aglow like it should be. A star. My star.
I move towards her, fumbling the words in my mind that I want to say to her. I need to get this right. I sense her body stiffen and know that she can feel me inches behind her. I’m so close I can smell her citrus and vanilla scent that has always driven me wild. The air is warmer than usual for this time of year and the energy between us is undeniable.
“Do you remember that night, Parker? You kissed me for the first time on this beach underneath this same sky?” Livy hasn’t moved, but she knows it is me behind her without even turning her head. I place my hands on the railing on either side of her, closing her in, my chest so close to her delicate back. My lips almost brushing her ear.
“How could I ever forget my beautiful girl? I had wanted that kiss since the first minute I saw you.” My mouth is so close to her skin, it takes everything in me not to taste her. I watch goosebumps shiver across her skin, an admission that her body gives mine. She is coming back to me. My girl, letting me in.
“You were that wild boy that I was scared to hand my heart over to. But I never could resist you. And you knew it.”
“I think you have it all wrong. It was me who could never resist you, and nothing has changed after all of these years, Livy.” I want to say more but I know I need to go slowly with her. I remove my hands from either side of her, letting the words I just confessed sink in.
I move beside her, resting my arms on the railing. I look out into the ocean, feel the salty, warm air all around us. Our shoulders touch, but it still isn’t close enough for me. I want more. I want all of her.
“Oh Parker, you’ve got the world at your fingertips in New York. You don’t want a small-town girl like me.” The words drifting from her lips, her eyes still on the ocean.
“I ran away to that big city to try to forget about you. I’ve been with other women Livy, I am no saint, but I would never lie to you. As much as I tried to let you go, I couldn't. I compare every woman I meet to you and none come close. It’s you, Livy. It always has been. Do you believe me?”
She turns to face me finally, her dark gold-flecked eyes meeting mine. “Believing you has never been the issue. It’s just not that simple. So much has happened between us and we are not the same people we once were. This is all too much. Why would we put ourselves through this?”
“Why wouldn’t we? What if it was all worth it in the end?” I brush a loose strand of hair from her flushed cheek. “Come with me, Livy.” I take her hand in mine and lead her towards the three steps that lead down to the beach.
“Where are you taking me, Parker? I can’t just leave my friends inside.”
“Don’t worry, beautiful, we won’t be long. Do you trust me?”
“You better not give me reason not to.” Livy answers back with a hint of humor in her eyes.
I give her my best smile, the one that I know used to drive her crazy, stopping at the edge of the boardwalk where the stone meets the sand.
“Take off your boots.” I tell her instead of asking. Both barefoot, I take her hand back in mine. It killed me to let it go in the first place. It seems she didn’t want to let go of my hand either.
The sun begins to set as we walk through the sand, away from the sounds and lights of the restaurant. I need to have her all to myself, no distractions, and I am hoping that leading her in this direction will help to remind her of how good we were together. So many memories live in this sand, on this beach, at our spot.
We walk hand-in-hand, our toes sinking into the fine white quartz sand. Hulking dunes are in the distance, the beach stretched as wide as a football field. It’s just the two of us, under the stars and the moonlight.
“Do you ever come back here?” I see the tension in her face when I ask the question, feel it in her fingers that are still laced in mine. We continue to walk towards the homes that line White Harbor beach.
“I run the boardwalk often and come to the beach to think, but I never come this far. I … um.” She looks down, stopping the conversation from going any further. We both know the direction we are walking towards and what it means.
“Tell me about you, Livy,” I ask, directing the conversation to safer ground. “What do you like to do these days? Do you still write? You always blew my mind with your writing.”
“I do. Mostly journaling now, but lately the words haven’t been coming as easily as they should.”
“Maybe what you are missing is a little inspiration? Something new and exciting to write about.” I squeeze her hand and give her a gentle nudge. Her lips curl a soft smile. I’m getting somewhere with her. I can feel the tension slipping away from her body.
“I’ll keep that in mind when I’m struggling with writer’s block. Enough about me, tell me about New York. Is living in a big city as amazing as I imagine it to be?” Livy was never comfortable talking about herself. She was always more interested in learning about the people around her. She genuinely cares about the people in her life, it’s one of the qualities that I always loved the most about her.
“At first it was, it’s easy to get caught up in the lights and the action of the big city. They’re right, you know, when they say it’s the city that never sleeps. But that can get stale pretty quick. I’m looking forward to a change.”
“A change?”
“We recently acquired a new property in Cape May, and I am overseeing it. I’ll be moving there next month when we start construction and eventually will launch the new hotel. I’m looking forward to being closer to home, to my friends and family.”
“That sounds amazing, Parker. I’m really proud of you. You’ve accomplished so much. But I’m not surprised.” She finally glances my way with a sweet smile.
I swallow hard, not knowing if I really want the answer to my next question, but I have to know before I can take this any further.
“I know it’s none of my business, Liv, but I have to ask. Are you seeing that guy you were with at the bar tonight?”
Her smile widens and she lets out a cute laugh as she turns in my direction, catching me staring at her. For a second she looks like the girl I used to know. The girl who I had tried to forget for a very long time.
Does she have any idea what she does to me?
Her sweater shifts down her arm, exposing her bare shoulder. Without thinking, I reach out to gently lift it back in place, my fingers brushing against her smooth skin. A flush creeps up her face.
“Jace? No. He’s just a good friend that I met in college. He’s a great guy, but there’s never been anything more between us. I’m not seeing anyone right now. Bloom is my only focus.”
I exhale a deep breath. I’ve never been a very religious person, but I find myself thanking God she’s not with the guy.
“Good, because I didn’t want to have to kick his ass.” Livy side-eyes me with a smirk and we both laugh.
We continue walking hand-in-hand, in silence, the salty ocean breeze moving through her long hair. I brush the loose strands from her face, tucking them behind her ear. She stops walking and blinks up at me. She stands there speechless, but still manages a soft smile, and I feel the mood shifting around us.
“I’ve missed you, Livy, and I didn’t realize how much until yesterday, seeing you again.” I want to kiss her, but I need to be sure that she wants it just as badly as I do. I will give her all the time she needs, she’s worth waiting for.
I run my fingers down the side of her jaw, and her gaze turns down towards the sand. She is breathtaking and vulnerable and suddenly I don’t want this night to ever end.
She tries to pull her hand from mine, but I hold it tighter and gently pull her along, continuing to walk in the direction of our secret spot. She seems lost in her thoughts. I can see the confusion in her eyes, and I decide not to push her.
“I think we should let the others know where we are, but I left my phone in my purse at the table. I don’t want Ellie and my sister to worry about me. Maybe we should walk back.”
“I’ll handle it. I’ll text Liam now to tell him where we are and ask him to find the girls and let them know.”
I let go of her hand and I instantly miss the warmth of her. I quickly text Liam to let him know, adding that we could be gone awhile. He shoots me a text back almost instantly, likely already on his phone working, letting me know that he has it covered.
“Done. Liam will let the girls know. They are cancelling the Amber Alert,” I joke, wanting to see that smile again, the one that can take me to my knees. She shakes her head and chuckles as I return her hand to mine.
“Always the funny man, Parker."
“Is that your way of telling me how handsome I am?”
“Are you flirting with me?”
“Is it working?” I wink and flash her my sexiest smile.
We are just seconds away from our spot, the beach house, so close I can see the veranda and the white-washed grey shingles, worn from the salty air and the sun.
It belongs to my family, passed down by my grandparents, and typically sits empty for much of the year. In the summer, we all take turns staying there, often coming together as a family on holidays like the Fourth of July, setting up tables in the sand for our annual clam bake.
Livy and I reach the path leading up to the beach house where we used to hide away from the world. This is where we came to be alone together, just the two of us. The walls of the small coastal home are bursting with memories. The veranda just steps away with a porch swing, red Adirondack chairs around a fire table, and a hot tub with an ocean view.
“Will you sit with me?” I motion towards the veranda. Livy nods and follows me towards the swing where we sit, our legs touching. I can’t help but notice her toned bare legs on display since taking off her tall suede boots. It’s taking everything in me not to run my fingers down them.
“I think the last time I sat on this porch swing with you I was eighteen and had just snuck out of my bedroom window. It’s mind-blowing that we never got caught considering how many times we did that.” She laughs a little, looking out into the ocean, the porch swing swaying gently.
“It’s true. There could be an AC/DC concert at the foot of their bed and I’m pretty sure your parents would sleep right through it. It’s actually impressive.” We both laugh as she curls her knees up into her chest.
“I see you are still friends with Hunter. I saw him with you at the restaurant.” I pick up on her attempt to shift the conversation from her parents. I want to ask her about her family and especially how her dad is, but I can see she isn’t comfortable with the subject, so I leave it.
“Yup, still friends. I love him, but you know Hunter. He hasn’t changed much. He’s still kind of like a two-year-old, just with slightly smaller tantrums and a much bigger bank account.”
I feel her body stiffen beside me and I’m curious why, worried she’s re-thinking being here with me. She inhales deeply but doesn’t move to leave.
“Does he ever visit you in New York?” she asks.
“He does. He heads my way every couple of months. We’ll hit up a Yankee’s game and he’ll stay with me at my suite.”
“Suite? Where do you live? Do I even want to know the answer?”
“Very funny. I live in the penthouse at the Seaside. It’s not the Playboy mansion.”
“Are you sure about that? Never mind, I don’t want to know. I’m sorry Parker, I shouldn’t have said anything. It’s none of my business.” Her eyes offer up a silent apology as she looks my way.
“I’m an open book Livy, it’s okay. You can ask me anything. I’ll never lie to you. So tell me more about Bloom. What made you decide to open a flower shop?”
“Flowers bring me joy. They always have, ever since I was a little girl working with my mother in her garden. We spent hours there, bringing seeds to life, and those are some of my fondest childhood memories. She used to say that gardening was an act of love of the purest form, that it made you look forward to each new season bringing change and new hope. I figured if I could take my joy of flowers and turn it into a business that gave me financial freedom, I could be happy. It’s been a lot of hard work and late nights but somehow Ellie and I did it. It’s been profitable enough to support the two of us.”
“You should be proud of yourself. It’s not easy to build a profitable business from the ground up.”
“Thanks. You’ve always been supportive. Remember that time you supported my decision to get bangs? You really should have broken up with me right then and there. I didn’t even want to be seen in public with myself, but for some reason you willingly did.” Her mouth curves into a smile at the memory. She looks so damn pretty.
“Even with those horrific bangs - and they really were horrific - you were still the prettiest girl in the room. You always have been.” She blushes again, and with a shaky breath stands up from the swing and walks towards the glass railing of the veranda, gripping it tightly.
I follow her so that we are standing next to each other, both leaning against the railing looking out to the ocean.
“Parker, you are killing me. I don’t know what to do with myself right now. I’m scared. You come back into my life out of nowhere and make me feel things that I thought I’d never feel again. I could never survive losing this again. My heart couldn’t take it. “
Biting her bottom lip, she turns to me and our eyes lock.
“This is worth taking a chance on. I’ll prove it to you.” I search her eyes, and they blaze right through me. They darken and her lips part and I can feel the desire pulsing through my veins. She wants this just as bad as I do. Swallowing my nerves, I reach for her. I’ve never wanted anything more in my life than her right now.
I run my hand to the back of her neck, pulling her into me, praying that I’m right and that she wants this too.
My forehead drops to meet hers, my lips hovering over her full open mouth.
“I want to give us one more shot. I want to take this chance with you.” The words barely leaving my lips before I move in closer.
Our lips crash together as I pull her face towards mine, kissing her like I’ve never kissed her before. I press her back into the railing, my other hand moving to her hip and pulling her body into mine. I angle my mouth, deepening the kiss, needing more, and she whimpers in concession. Our tongues sweep each other’s over and over, frantic and feral like we could never get enough.
She tastes so fucking good.
I untangle my fingers from her hair, running them down the angle of her jaw, my other hand sliding from her hip up her ribcage to her neck to meet my other hand. I grasp her jaw with both of my hands as I run my tongue along her bottom lip, and she smiles with a sexy smile. I am so turned on right now.
A soft moan escapes her lips and it nearly does me in. My dick twitches behind my zipper, hard as a rock.
“I love your mouth,” she whispers.
“I have a list about four pages long of what I love about your body. Jesus Livy, you drive me wild.”
She smiles that sexy smile and I kiss her again, pushing my body into hers, showing her what she does to me. She winds her fingers through my hair, kissing me harder, sending a wave of heat up my spine. I don’t remember a kiss ever feeling like this with anyone else but her. She tastes sweet, like an oaky vanilla wine. I can’t stop.
Her warm body feels so good up against mine as I press into her, my dick hard against her stomach, her back still pinned against the railing. I thread my fingers through her hair and tip her head back, granting me access to her long, delicate neck. I trail kisses from her ear down her jaw and into the hollow of her neck. I slowly pull the neck of her sweater down over her tanned shoulder as I run my tongue across her collarbone, covering her in soft kisses.
Livy whimpers and drags her nails across my back to my shoulders, whispering my name in a low voice.
I groan. “Fuck Liv, you feel so good. I never want to let you go.” I run my hand down her ribcage and back to her hip, feeling her curves, wishing it was her skin I was touching. I want to rip this sweater from her body and devour her. I trace my hand up her stomach to her breast. She stills.
“Parker, I can’t.” She presses her hands against my chest, pushing me gently back. Her eyes are suddenly scared and vulnerable.
“This feels so good, but what happens tomorrow? You are more than just one night to me. I can’t do this and go ahead and get my heart broken all over again.”
“I meant what I said, Livy. I miss you and I want you. Let’s try to see where this goes.”
“And how are we supposed to do that? You are heading back to New York in the morning. There is no point. This will only end in heartbreak and my heart can’t take it again.” She straightens the neckline of her sweater, her chest rising and falling with each heavy breath.
“I need to go back to the restaurant, Parker. I want you to take me back.” She slips out of the space I’ve closed her into and walks towards the beach, away from me. Like a tidal wave out of nowhere, it hits me that I’ve lost her. My gaze remains on Livy, waiting for her to change her mind, to reconsider. She looks at me over her shoulder, her eyes pleading.“Please, Parker.”
“Livy, I…”
“Don’t, Parker. I don’t want you making any promises you can’t keep. Let’s just pretend this never happened and we can go back to the way things were. It’s for the best.”
I nod because there isn’t much more I can do. I can’t force her to want to be here with me, so I follow her off the veranda and in the direction of the restaurant, trying to retrace how this perfect night fell apart so quickly.
We walk back to the restaurant in silence, my stomach churning with the thought of never seeing her again. I pushed her too far too soon. I fucked it up and I’m pissed at myself. I see her eyes fill with tears and it nearly breaks me in two. It kills me to see her so upset.
We arrive back at the restaurant and stop to put on our shoes before going inside. I run a hand over my face, taking a deep breath, then decide she needs to know exactly how I feel. I turn to face her, my voice full of certainty, “I need you to know, Livy, that I can’t forget tonight. There’s no way I ever could. What happened between us means something to me. You mean something to me. I hope you will change your mind and give us a shot.”
She looks at me like she wants to say something, but then changes her mind. Her hand reaches for the railing on the stairs and emotion fills her eyes.
She turns and walks into the restaurant. I catch my breath that I didn’t realize I was holding and follow her inside.
So, this is it? This is how it ends?
Not a chance.