Jax by E. M. Moore

17

Angry, raised voices filter down from upstairs as I lie on the couch, hands behind my head and staring upward. Guilt by association thrums through me. I don’t know how Clive got to the warehouse. Whether his fear of not wanting to be the punching bag anymore and witnessing a loss of one of the Elite Boxing fighters to Psycho’s guy made him seek them out. Or it’s possible one of the guys got his hooks into Clive that night, and I didn’t see it. Whatever it was, Psycho is plying him with his no-holds-barred, “real street fighting” bullshit. I knew I’d get Psycho to come to the Ring by dangling a chance at showing his superiority over the Elite Boxing guys, and now I regret it.

Fifteen minutes later, Jax and Finn are still going at it. Finn determined we should all go to bed since it was evident Jax wasn’t going to listen to anyone until he calmed down. I guess his decree didn’t include himself. Little Finny is giving it to his brother, I have to hand it to him. However, Jax is definitely not just sitting there and taking it.

So far, I’ve heard what a horrible person I am, the fact that I’m a liar, and how Jax can’t stand the sight of me. There were other nasty tidbits sprinkled throughout that I wish I hadn’t heard but those were the general gist of his current feelings for me.

It doesn’t take a genius to understand that because it’s me saying Clive needs help, Jax isn’t going to listen, and I honestly can’t blame him.

A door opens upstairs, and Finn’s voice rings even clearer. “Even if she is lying, wouldn’t you feel better knowing for sure that Clive is okay?”

Well, that’s a vote of confidence right there. Just because I don’t expect anything more doesn’t mean it doesn’t sting to hear how much they don’t trust me.

A door slams, and a minute later, footsteps stampede down the stairs and hit the landing. I peek over and find Jax, his shoulders raising and lowering as if he’s trying to calm himself by taking deep, lungfuls of air. He’s not wearing a shirt. Every tight muscle ripples under the movement of his body. When I reach his eyes, he’s glaring at me, more than likely blaming me for his argument with Finn.

“You can hate me, you know?” I start, worry and remorse still plaguing me. “I deserve it. But I like to think that I’m still the same person you knew underneath all my terrible decisions. I’ve done shit that’s even worse than what I did to you, Jax.” A war between me and my emotions follows, so it takes me a while to get my next thoughts out. “I wish I could say I hadn’t done those things. I wish I could say I would’ve stayed your sweet Sadie my whole life but I don’t think that’s what I was destined for.”

“Bullshit. We make our own choices.”

“But we don’t,” I growl back. “We used to talk about this all the time. Choices can be limited.”

“That was kid talk, Sadie.” He continues the rest of the way down the stairs, stalking toward me. “That was the talk of two selfish young people who didn’t know any better. When you say you don’t have any choices, it’s because you value yourself more than the choice you don’t want to make.”

Spoken like someone who’s forgotten what it was like to be around me. “You’re wrong.”

“Then I guess you’ll never grow up.”

I laugh at that, the sound so sinister it fucks with my head. “Oh, I’m grown. Trust me. I’ve seen and done things no one should have to.” I run my hands through my hair and prop my back up on the arm of the couch as he comes to a stop in front of me. “Sometimes, you have to make the decision you don’t want to. That’s what being a grown up is.”

Hands gripping to fists, his scowl deepens. “You had another choice other than lying under oath and sending me to jail.”

I bite my lip. Vulnerability ekes through me like inky waves of darkness. “Not if I wanted to save you.” He peeks at me with distrusting eyes, and I pinch my leg, focusing on the pain so I can get through my explanation without feeling the endless emotion that comes with it. “If Kingston knew I wanted to fuck you, he’d have killed you…and me.” I watch him look away. I get that I hurt him but he has to see the truth somewhere in his thick skull. “Don’t deny it. You know it’s true. That’s why we had a plan to run away.”

He stands there and shakes his head. “You’re right. We had a plan. A plan you gave up. What you did was save yourself. That’s it.”

“Keep telling yourself that, Jax.” I clench the small blanket Leenie gave me, my knuckles aching. In some ways, he’s the same guy. In others, I wonder if we’ll ever be able to mediate the separation between us. “Look, I know what I did fucked you up.”

“I lost faith,” he roars. “In everything!”

Tears prick my eyes. “I did that to you. I take full responsibility, Jax. I’m so fucking sorry but I need you to trust me now.”

“You didn’t trust me before, Sadie. You gave me nothing.”

I sit straight up. Bitter anger grabs ahold of me. “I was saving you!” I scream, chest heaving. He can think whatever he wants of me, but I want him to know this one thing. This small thing. I did what I did for him. End of story. I saw our ending written on the walls in blood and knew we needed a twist to avoid it.

“We’ll never agree on this. You chose wrong. There was another way.”

I lift my chin in the air defiantly. “I forgot that you know everything, you stubborn ass. Even though you knew nothing about K or what it was like to be in the tower with him, of course you would know how to get through it.”

Jax bends over until we’re face-to-face. “What I know is that life would’ve been better if we were together, and that’s where your decision should’ve come from.”

I want to slap him and fuck him at the same time. Is this what love as an adult is like? Or is this just life with a headstrong fighter? “In a fairy tale world, it would’ve worked out like that.”

“No, in the real world, Sadie. You’ve always been a lone wolf. I thought I was helping you get over your past but in the end, you went with what you were good at anyway. Running.”

“To save you,” I cry.

“You didn’t save me. All you did was teach me that I wasn’t worth fighting for. You taught me that I was nothing. You taught me to hope less.” He brings his fists in front of him. From the faint light of the streetlamp coming in through the window behind the couch, Jax’s tattoo is finally stark and obvious. In medieval lettering, he has the words hope and less tattooed below his battered knuckles. Hope-less.

My heart cracks, and I gasp. I clutch the front of my shirt over my heart where it feels as if I’m coming apart inside. “You got that because of me?” I stare at the black ink, letting the tattoo sink into my very being. The longer I look at it, the worse I feel. But he has it all wrong. “This is me,” I say, covering his left hand with the word less tattooed on it. “I’ll always be less. But this is you,” I tell him, moving my hand to the word hope and opening his fingers. “Look at what you’ve done with your life, Jax. I was the weak link. Where were you going to go with a girlfriend who was caught up in the Crew? Nowhere. But look at what you’ve accomplished since I’ve been out of your life. You’re amazing.”

Jax’s jaw feathers. “And yet, it’s so incomplete. That’s why I can’t keep away from you, Sadie. Because finally—fucking finally—with you here, it feels like I’ve gotten everything I wanted. My head is screaming that you’re going to ruin everything again but I can’t fucking help it. There’s a fight going on inside my body, and I don’t know how long I’m going to be able to keep it up.”

Awareness trickles around me, making the skin on my arms buzz. I’d love to fall into him again but for how long? Until Psycho comes back for me? Until I disappoint him again? I’m being selfish by staying here. I never wanted to come back as this Sadie. My heart beats painfully. “I want you too. So fucking much. But I can’t—I can’t stay here,” I tell him, knowing I’d leave in a nanosecond if it meant saving him again.

He pushes away from me. “See? You’re already doing it.”

Vile, disgusting Psycho. I wonder if he sent me here for this, as if he knew all along seeing Jax again would cripple me. I zero in on Jax’s gaze. “If it was up to me, I never would’ve come back.”

His eyes darken, as if he’s already shutting me out. “Me too,” he whispers.

He walks back up the stairs, and I’m left alone on the couch with nothing but a million pounds worth of regrets. I replay the moment in my mind where I lie to K over and over again. There wasn’t time to tell Jax anything. There wasn’t time to get us out of it. He had his hands around my throat, squeezing and squeezing until I told him Jax had taken the sex from me.

I knew K wouldn’t care that rape was reprehensible. He had no sense of what was right and what was wrong. He’d only cared that Jax had taken from him. As soon as he saw that, I planted the seed in his head that Jax going to jail would be worse than dying. I manipulated all that to save Jax. He can get mad at me all he wants. He can tell me I was wrong but I know in my heart that I did what I had to.

* * *

Jax

There’sa stent in my heart named Sadie. It’s been there since she stood outside my door for the first time in years. It began with a flutter—an awakening—then a roaring opening of emotions that tears through me every chance it gets.

I rub my chest as I stomp back up the stairs, the feeling plaguing me. Quietly, I knock on Finn and Leenie’s door. Before I’m even given permission to enter, I turn the knob and walk in. Leenie and Finn are sitting on the edge of the bed. Both of their gazes move upward to take me in. Leenie’s stare widens in alarm, and I don’t blame her. I hide shit inside. It’s what I do. I’ve cultivated this persona of quiet dickhead, and I prefer it that way.

Sadie’s return has changed all that.

Finn takes one look at me and gets to his feet. He waves Leenie away before throwing his arm around my shoulders and leading me toward the window. He heaves the sash up and steps out onto the back roof. If I was in the mood for laughing, I would. How many fucking times did we do this when we were kids and wanted a moment to ourselves? Finn and I would talk about heavy shit. Feelings, girls, the future.

He takes a seat and scoots over, leaving me room to do the same. For a good ten minutes, we stare forward without talking. Roof lines and stars. It’s all we see. I wish I could say that we hear the night insects out and about but not in the Heights. A couple of blocks over, neighbors are having a party. Their bass is loud enough to block most everything out. In the opposite direction, a car alarm blares. It sounds fucking crazy but in this chaos, there’s a bit of peace. Like I’m the center of the storm, the moment of silence while the world goes to shit around me.

“Dude, what are you going to do?” Finn finally asks.

I dig my heel into the porch roof, and a shingle breaks loose. I sigh, flicking my sneaker out and kicking the material over the side. Can nothing stay the way it was? Why does everything break? “Fuck if I know.”

“I can’t believe I’m fucking saying this but it’s Sadie,” he urges, feeling pouring from his mouth. He’s almost reverent.

“Meaning?” I ask, too much piss in my tone.

Finn doesn’t care though. He’s used to me being the surly one. He runs his hands through his loose hair. “Fuck if I know,” he echoes. A moment later, he continues, though. “I saw what she did to you, you know. The fucked-up shit you went through because of it. You grew darker day by day. You fucking lost it, but I don’t know, man. To me, it was never because you truly hated her. Feel free to kick my ass if I’m way off base but you fucking lost yourself because she wasn’t here. And now she is.”

And now she is…The shock still reverberates inside me. The fucking bitter surprise that turned to anger and loss. I’ve felt all those emotions through the last few days. “It’s like she rose from the fucking dead,” I admit, scraping my foot against the roof where a shingle is now missing.

Finn reaches out and places his hand on my shoulder. He heaves out a breath. “She did, and it’s just like her too. You have to admit.”

He smirks, and it takes everything in me not to laugh. Instead, I allow myself to smile. Memories of Sadie blitz me. She was a butterfly in the dark. She truly was a light in every sense even though she never saw it that way. In the next moment, my head is reminding me to get a hold of my fucking self. She just told me she couldn’t stay. She’s going to leave again, and I know it. But besides that, should I even care? Shouldn’t I want her to go? “She betrayed me, Finn,” I say out loud, telling him the one thing I wish I could get over. “She said she did it because of K, but she fucking betrayed me. Me,” I grind out.

“What hurts worse, Jax? That she betrayed you? Or that she didn’t leave with you when you wanted?”

I peer over at him, my heart beating frantically in my chest. He wasn’t supposed to know about that.

“Yeah, dude. I know.” He looks away, brushing an imaginary piece of flint off his forearm. “I figure it would take a hell of a girl to get you to want to leave me.”

“I didn’t want to leave you,” I tell him.

He smiles. “I know that.”

“I just didn’t want you to get involved in any of that shit.”

“Dude, I get it. I wouldn’t have blamed you. I mean, maybe I would have at first but we all know K was an evil son of a bitch.”

The same agonizing horror that used to plague me back then fills me again. It was so hard letting go of Sadie when she had to go back to him. I wanted to march into the tower myself. I could have killed him. Easily. It wasn’t even the fact that she was my girl and no one else could touch her but me. It was what she had to do with him. She cried in my arms countless motherfucking times. In a way, he almost killed her. Her light was dying, and I had to do something. “Glad that fucker’s dead,” I spit, my hand clenching to a fist. I’d balked at first but any small part I played in killing that fucker is among the top moments in my life. Along with the Ring. Along with Elite Boxing. Along with…her.

“Do you still love her?”

A low vibration starts in the pit of my chest. It’s the million-dollar question.

“Do you think you could?” he asks. “If given the time? I don’t want to see this affect you negatively if six months from now you fucking lose it because she’s not here again.”

I bring my knees up and stare at a light blinking through the sky. Sadie and I used to come out here, searching out the airplanes. We’d make up stories about where we would go if we were on one. Tahiti. Alaska. Japan. “She apologized.” Emotion constricts my throat so I clear it. “She said she was fucking sorry.”

“About damn time. But you didn’t wait all these years for an apology.”

“Who said I waited?”

He gives me a look. “Oh, so all those years of never looking at a girl was some sort of deliberate celibacy? Please,” he scoffs.

I narrow my gaze at him, trying to understand what he’s getting at. “Are you pushing me toward her?”

“No one can make you do shit, man.” He shakes his head. “You know that. I’m trying to help you get out of your own fucking way because you’re a stubborn prick.”

“So you trust her?”

“Fuck no.”

“Then?” I snap. “Why are we even having this damn conversation? Trust is everything.”

“Not everything, Jax,” Finn grinds out. “I don’t trust her yet, and I know you fucking don’t either, but what the hell is your heart telling you? You’re the older brother here but you’re being fucking dumb.”

My jaw snaps shut. “Is that so?”

“Yes.”

“I don’t know why I’m even fucking asking you. You’re a romantic.”

“Fuck off,” he chides. “Sadie hurt you. She fucking hurt me, too. But ask yourself honestly if she did it on purpose? It’s not like telling K you raped her helped her all that much. She fucking loved you. You were her savior. Don’t fucking deny it. She would’ve died for you. The both of you would have. And in a way, maybe she did, Jax. On your side, it looked like she turned you in and lied, but it couldn’t have been easier on her. Giving you up meant she had nobody. She went back into that tower and endured him for however long he had her there. I know you tried to keep her situation from me but she was his goddamn sex slave. It wasn’t a relationship. She was a piece on the side, a young piece at that. Fucking old decrepit piece of shit. I don’t know about you but I can’t imagine having no choice but to sleep in someone else’s bed. Fulfill their every fantasy.” He chokes up, Adam’s apple bobbing. “Now that I have Leenie, I get how you felt. I would’ve killed him.”

“You don’t think I wanted to? He was the leader of the fucking Crew, Finn.”

“Exactly,” he says, peering over at me. He presses his lips into a thin line. “I’m not diminishing the shit you’re going to have to get through. You’ve told me some fucking horror stories, and don’t think I never saw the way people treated you when you got home because I did. I get the betrayal. I mourn with you, bro. But at least I get to have you. At least I fucking get to mourn with you. He would’ve killed you. You’ve heard Kyla’s story.”

I lean my head against the wood siding, staring straight up. “Why didn’t you tell me any of this before?”

“I wanted you to come to your own decision.” He elbows me in the side. “But why do you think I let her come back to the house? Stay on our couch?”

“Because Leenie told you to.”

Finn laughs. It expands his chest until he releases it into the air, so carefree among the darkness. He leans over, whispering, “She’s kind of scary.”

“I heard that,” she calls from inside.

“Love you, babe,” he says louder.

“Yeah, yeah.”

I turn my head toward Finn, inspecting his profile. I might’ve been a dick when he first met Leenie. I won’t admit it but I was jealous as fuck. I had what they had. I fucking had Sadie. I’d even looked her up when Leenie moved in and I saw how happy she and Finn were together. I Googled her name, and much like when I first got out of jail, nothing came up. She was still a ghost. I only knew from the Crew guys in lock up that K had kicked her out, but of course, no one knew where she went after that. For all I knew, she could’ve went across the country. She could’ve went to one of those places we dreamed about.

But I know where she ended up now. Psycho.

“This guy’s no good,” I tell Finn.

He doesn’t even have to ask who I mean. “Anyone who beats up on their girl is a piece of shit, but he just might be extra. Do you see her get jumpy sometimes? She doesn’t even realize she’s doing it. She’s skittish.”

“She had old bruises on her,” I tell him, pointing to my own collarbone and chest. He doesn’t ask me how I know, and there’s no fucking way I’d tell him. I prefer for Finn to still think of me as his hero, not the guy who took advantage of a girl who was already broken.

“Seems to me like the past might be repeating itself. Psycho is K all over again. Only this time, we’re a little older, a little wiser. We might be able to do something about it, man.”

Deep in my heart, I know I want to help her. It’s why she’s still fucking here. It’s why I can’t walk away. “Something is still off,” I tell him, shaking my head. I know Sadie inside and out, and she hasn’t told us everything. I can’t pinpoint what but I know she hasn’t. And because she’s not being honest, the mistrust blooms, growing like a weed.

“Just because she’s keeping something back doesn’t mean it’s to hurt you,” Finn reminds me. “From what it sounds like, she doesn’t much like herself. Maybe she’s worried you won’t like her either if she tells you everything.”

Been there already. “I told her I hated her,” I confess, waiting for his reaction.

Finn swallows. “Was it the truth?”

“Yeah,” I admit, the air punching from my lungs. “But it wasn’t the whole truth.”

Maybe it’s from being with Sadie, who at times, has felt like my complete opposite in every way that matters but I have a theory that hate is a beat away from love. And if that’s the case, the opposite is true, too: Love is a beat away from hate.

I’m still wondering which one will win out.