Luna Rising by Sloane Murphy
Chapter Fifteen
The party has been an endless wave of my dad keeping officially introducing me to other packs and the Alphas I haven’t already met, my mom parading me around in front of the room, and me trying to hide behind Maddox. I love the little shit, but he failed hard at being a distraction and keeping all of the focus on him tonight.
Not that it’s his fault, of course. My mom is a force to be reckoned with when she’s like this. I’m merely the poor soul her focus is on, and nothing will stop her.
When the food is brought out, I sag with relief. At least everyone will be distracted by the food long enough for me to finally catch my breath. I’ve been so fucking busy I haven’t even had a chance to broach the subject of not shifting with Dad yet. I’m pretty sure I’m wasting my time hoping he’ll be on board with it. Tonight is all about tradition, and my dad is nothing if not a die hard purist when it comes to tradition. Either way, I’m going to cling to my hope that there’s even an iota of a chance that dad might agree to let me not shift. I feel like I’m too young to be mated, so the idea of avoiding the whole thing tonight is so tempting.
I find a quiet hiding spot, but it only takes seconds for one of the enforcers to invade my space. To say they’re on high alert is absolutely an understatement. And I’d have to be blind to miss the fact that Levi, Kain, and Creek are all hyper aware of their surroundings too. Everyone’s guard is up after last night, but most of the Lycans are distracted and enthralled by being all together. The whole pack mentality thing makes most Lycans deliriously happy when we gather. I’m apparently the exception to that rule because I can’t think of anywhere I’d rather be less. At least we have people here who can watch out for us as that whole hive mind thing takes over.
“You okay?” I jump as Nova sneaks up on me and curse myself for not paying more attention to my surroundings. Shit’s been too weird lately to be slacking at that.
I let out a deep breath, trying to push out the anxiety building in my chest with it. “As okay as I’m going to be in this situation.”
“You got this. Besides, your mate probably isn’t even here. I mean, yeah, ten packs are here, but that’s not all of them. You’re clearly going to get a sugar daddy who isn’t even here.” She grins at me, and I can’t help but laugh. Her silliness makes me feel almost instantly better.
“You’re probably right.”
She scoffs and links her arm with mine, pulling me away from the scowling enforcer who’s been watching me quietly lose my shit. “Of course I’m right. It’s a sugar daddy or you’ll be mated with a freaking Angel like Roman got. Granted, there’s only two here tonight. I’m pretty sure that Raze isn’t the guy the fates picked for you, though. He’s way too broody and surly. As hot as that can be, can you imagine actually putting up with that every day for reals?”
I snort a laugh at her assessment. She’s not wrong. Raze is hot as hell, but realistically as much as I might adore that type in the books I read, I am way too headstrong to deal with his broody ass every day for the rest of existence. “I’ll be fine as long as Fate doesn’t put me with a wet noodle of a Lycan. I can’t imagine being forced to be the Alpha of literally every aspect of my life.”
Nova bursts out laughing at me, drawing more than a little attention our way. But you know what? Fuck it. Everyone’s been watching us all night anyway; it might as well be for us having some fun for once. “Pretty sure the Fates wouldn’t put an Alpha born she-wolf with a wetty. The Fates wouldn’t be that cruel, would they?”
“I seriously hope not.” I sigh as I look out across the room. I’m just glad the chatter and music is loud enough to mask our conversation from the majority of the attendees here tonight. Supe hearing is no joke. Lycans really are like the Little Red Riding Hood fairy tale—all the better to see, hear, and smell you with. I look outside, and my heart sinks a little when I see how high the moon is in the sky. “It’s nearly time.”
I tell her Maddox’s idea about just not shifting, and her eyes go wide. “Luna, there is no way you can not shift. Your dad will lose his mind, and, literally every Lycan here will take it as an offense. I understand not wanting to find your mate—I do—but you’re Alpha born. There’s no way you’ll get away with that. Maddox is such a shit for even suggesting it.”
“He was just trying to help,” I defend, because I know he was just doing it for me. He knows as much as Nova does how much I want other things in life before I find my mate. It’s not that I don’t want a mate, it’s just that I’m not ready to find them yet. If the pull is as strong as Roman says, I know I’m going to give up parts of myself for my mate. That’s just what you do. I’m just terrified of just how much I’ll have to give up. The thought of not having really found myself yet, that I haven’t discovered the depth of exactly who I am and not having the chance to explore that because I find my mate so young, straight up terrifies me.
I know it’s rare for Lycans to find their mates on their first shift after they come of age, but there’s something humming just under the surface of my skin that tells me it’s going to happen tonight. It’s been there for weeks, silently reminding me of the duty I have to my pack over myself, and it’s why I was so against this fucking party.
Fates, I think I’m going to be sick.
“I know deep down that I’m going to have to shift, but please just let me live in ignorance for a little bit longer.”
Nova’s eyes go wide as I’m talking, and I turn to face the direction she’s looking in. My stomach tightens at the sight of my dad and Roman watching me as they move toward the stage. “I don’t think you have that much longer, Luna. It’s time.”
Well, shit.
“Evening, everyone, and welcome to the Crescent Pack lands!” My dad’s voice booms across the space and a roar of cheers rises from the Lycans gathered here. The space is swamped with Lycans from the square pouring into the hall.
My heart races as the space around me fills in tightly with people. The claustrophobia of being stuck between so many bodies is why I hate being in crowds like this. Lycans are pack animals, but we’re also tied closely to nature. I very much prefer being alone in wide open spaces. I think I’m going to have a goddamn panic attack if people close in around me much more. Nova squeezes my hand as we’re pushed closer together, as if she can sense my spiral.
“We want to thank you for being here with us to celebrate Maddox and Luna’s birthdays. We’re also proud to uphold the lifelong tradition of a mate finding ceremony! With that in mind, can all non-mated, of age Lycans please head out to the meadow by the forest so the run can commence!” My dad’s voice spurs a shift of movement, and it feels like the whole room lurches toward the door.
I find myself pushed and shoved as people try to hurry toward the space behind the house. I try to keep Nova on her feet, but her hand is ripped from mine as the crowd surges. “Nova!”
I try to fight the crowd, but these heels have put me at a serious disadvantage. Plus, everyone is so riled up, no one is paying any attention to how badly they’re crushing me. I stumble, and then I’m plucked from the crowd and into a pair of strong arms. “This is the last time I’m saving you, princess.”
I look up and stiffen as Jackson scowls down at me. Once the largest part of the crowd has passed, he releases me in an instant, as if touching me burns his skin.
“I don’t need to be saved,” I sneer, and he snorts a laugh, shaking his head at me.
“Good,” is all he says before he stalks off behind the crowd of Lycans. I look back at the mostly empty hall, and my gut aches. Even the mated Lycans have gone to the clearing behind the house to see who might form an attachment tonight.
I glance at the Bennetts, and Remy smiles softly at me. “You got this, Luna. Fate can be a bitch, but it usually works out in the end.”
Raze rolls his eyes at his mom's words, but I smile when I see Nova at his side. I guess that’s where she disappeared to. “You coming?”
“As if I’d let you do this alone.” She strides over to me, looking every inch the badass that she is, and takes my hand. “Let’s go not find you a mate!”
We head over to the clearing, with my stomach churning and heart racing with conflict the entire way. Mom ushers us over toward her and Dad as soon she spots us, which does nothing to ease my anxiety. I don’t want to find my mate, not yet… but the fear of rejection is so fucking real.
Also, what if Maddox is my mate? Then what? That will change everything. He stands with Roman already, smiling softly at me. “You got this,” Nova says, squeezing my hand before half dragging me toward my parents.
Once I reach them, Roman steps forward and addresses the crowd. I miss most of what he’s saying as I undress, my hands shaking so badly that Nova has to help me with the fiddly goddamn chain that loops around my body. If anyone asks, I’m just going to say I’m cold, because there’s no reason that I should be shaking like this.
I really might be sick if this isn’t over with soon.
“Let the mate find begin!” Roman claps his hands together, and Maddox winks at me before shifting. Technically he’s not of age and shouldn’t be part of the run, but I understand why he does it. He’s a hybrid, and literally anything is possible with him. The hope on my mom’s face as she watches him shift sits like a stone in my stomach.
Please, Fates, be kind.
I take a deep breath and unleash the wolf inside of me. She yips happily about being allowed back out to play so soon after my last shift. The pain is over quickly, and I take a second to let my wolf stretch out as Maddox moves to my side.
That’s when I feel it… pressure pressing down on me like the weight of a mountain sitting on my chest.
My mate.
I follow the pull, fully aware that I couldn’t stop even if I wanted to. When I see his face, my heart all but stops. The hateful look on his face, from his narrowed eyes to the snarl of his lips, tells me everything I need to know before he even says a word. Even though I didn’t want this, to find my mate so young, my world begins to crumble from beneath my feet. The sneer on his face, the look of loathing in his dark eyes is enough for my wolf to understand what is about to happen, even though Roman said it wouldn’t be possible.
His voice rings out across the clearing, and I swear time stops as he growls the words, “I reject this bond.”
Maddox lets out a heart-wrenching howl beside me. The pain in his howl crumbles the last pieces of my world as my heart shatters in my chest. I didn’t want to find my mate yet, but now… now I’ll never have one.
* * *
My wolf howls as my world shifts, and Jackson stares down at me like he would rather watch me burn than be my mate. And that is exactly what is happening. My skin feels like it's on fire, and my heart pounds against my ribcage. The world starts to spin, and it’s like I can’t breathe.
This can’t be happening.
It’s like a blade to the chest, and then it gets twisted. Every inch of me aches, yet desperately wants me to crawl to him to beg him to take it back.
I can’t do this.
Maddox shifts back to human beside me, looking as devastated as I feel, and launches himself at Jackson. The mate who rejected me. In front of the entire gathering. For the first time in Lycan history. My wolf wants me to shift back because the pain is too much, but I try to hold it off. The shame of facing everyone in my human form would only serve to push me more quickly into the dark abyss I’m falling down.
Why did it have to be him?
Why would he reject me?
The thoughts run through my mind on repeat as the sound of shouting filters through the buzzing in my ears. I can do nothing but stare as Maddox connects with Jackson, pummeling him when he doesn’t even try to fight back.
I want to be happy over the idea that he might be in as much pain as I am, but I’m not sure there’s a physical pain to equal the all-consuming vortex of despair destroying me from the inside out right now. All I want to do is run into the forest and never look back. Maybe if I try hard enough, I can outrun the pain, shame, and humiliation.
“Luna,” Mom croons as she crouches down and runs her hands through the fur between my ears. The sunshine in her eyes is gone, replaced by pity that makes my gut burn with shame. All I can do is let out a whine that tells her I’m as broken as she thinks I am.
I never wanted this, I tell myself. I didn’t want a mate.
So why does it feel like my world is ending?
“You should shift back, sweetie. Come on, let’s head back inside,” Mom says as Nova moves to stand beside her. Between the two of them, they hide Maddox and Jackson from view.
I shift back, shaking, in time to see Roman pull Maddox away from Jackson. Maddox lets out a scream that's full of as much anguish as I feel, and Roman tucks him protectively against his chest. I hate that he’s hurting on my behalf.
Except he looks over at me, and I realize he’s not. The pain in his eyes isn’t pain for me. I recognize it because I feel it too. That soul-shattering pain of having your heart torn out and being unable to stop it being crushed before your eyes.
He’s hurting all on his own, and I missed it.
I can’t handle this right now. I hate that he’s hurting and that it's all my fault, but the riptide in my chest is threatening to pull me under. So, like a coward, I let my mom and Nova usher me away from everyone and everything, into the house, and all the way up to my room so I can hide with my shame, pain, and anger.
Mom tucks me into bed as I succumb to the heat of tears behind my eyes. I’m too numb to sob, but the tears keep coming with no end in sight. Nova and Mom whisper between themselves, and Remy pops her head around the door after knocking once.
“Is she okay?” she asks, looking heartbroken on my behalf.
“Is Maddox okay?” I croak, wanting anything but to feel my own feelings. Her face drops a little, but she smiles sadly at me anyway.
“He will be,” is all she says, and I know that I didn’t just break myself tonight. I broke the person who meant more to me than basically any other, without even meaning to. The fates didn’t match us together, and it broke his heart as much as Jackson broke mine. I just never realized that it was even something he wanted.
I should have just done what he suggested and not shifted. Maybe then, things would be different. Maybe then we wouldn’t be suffering an ache so deep it splinters your very soul.
But I didn’t… and now my entire world is broken.
* * *
I’ve lost track of how many days I’ve been in bed. Of how long I’ve tried to sleep away the pain. The never-ending stabbing in my chest as the bond between Jackson and I keens out inside of me.
Maddox didn’t come by before the Bennetts left. Not that I blame him.
How could I not have seen what was right in front of me? His feelings for me were clear as day in the moment my world crashed around my ears. I can’t help but wonder if he hid it, or if I was just oblivious to his feelings. Either way, I feel even shittier for not having seen him clearer before now.
Even through my own pain, his hasn’t been far from my mind. I hate what this has done to him. That it’s taken the possibility of us from him. I hate it almost as much as I hate what Jackson has done to me.
They say misery loves company, but whoever they are... they’re very fucking wrong.
My mom pops her head around my door, and she smiles sadly at me when she sees me still bundled under the blankets. I’ve literally moved for bathroom breaks and little else over the past several days. I hate what this rejection has done to me when I didn’t even want a mate in the first place. I can’t seem to move past the dark pit inside of my chest, though.
I don’t want to do anything but sleep.
I watch with half-hearted interest as her eyes scan the room. She sighs when she sees the plate of uneaten food on the floor beside my bed. “Luna, you need to eat something.”
“I’m not hungry,” I croak to her, the words barely whispering through my lips since my throat is hoarse from barely drinking anything either.
The tears stopped after the first day. Since then, I’ve wanted nothing more than to disappear. I know I’m worrying my parents. It’s impossible not to hear them talking about me when there is no noise in this room, but I can’t even bring myself to put on music because that would require effort of some sort.
“Oh, Luna,” she sighs, dropping onto my bed and stroking my hair like she did when I was little. “I wish I could fix this or tell you it will get better. I have no idea how this feels, so I won’t patronize you and tell you I do, but I do know that you’re strong enough to come back from this. Just remember that we love you.”
“How is Maddox?” I ask, desperately aching to turn the focus away from me. And focusing on Maddox is easier than focusing on Jackson even though I hurt either way.
“Oh, sweetheart.” Her smile slips, and it feels like the ever-present knife in my gut twists some more. “He’ll be okay too. We had all hoped he would be your mate, and I hate that we might have given him more hope than we should’ve. But I promise he’ll eventually be okay.”
“I didn’t mean to hurt him, Mom,” I say, tears slipping down my cheeks again. Hurting my best friend like this is the last thing I ever wanted to do.
“I know that, sweetheart. We all know that, including Maddox. He’ll be okay, and so will you.” She leans down and kisses the top of my head.
“I’m so tired, Mom.” I sigh, closing my eyes as she pulls back.
“Sleep, sweetheart. I’ll check on you in a few hours, and maybe then I’ll convince you to eat something.”
I listen as she leaves the room, closing the door softly behind her, and I can hear my dad's whispers as she descends the stairs, but then I try to shut them out.
I know they're worried, but I can’t find a way out of the dark hole I’m in right now, and I’m starting to feel like I never will.
