Luna Rising by Sloane Murphy
Chapter Nineteen
Despite Jackson being back, I don’t feel as bad as I thought I would. Sure, the whispers ramped up again, and yes, my shift at the cafe today has been an absolute shit show, but I still haven’t stabbed anyone with the cake slice, so it could be worse.
I even felt pretty zen after catching a glimpse of him at the gate when I left for my run this morning. I’ve started running in the opposite direction on the beach so I don’t have to go back to the spot that seems to now just remind me of Jackson. I don’t let myself feel badly about it—if that’s what I need right now, I’m not going to chastise myself for it.
A girl has to do what a girl has to do.
I’m finally getting a second to breathe after the lunch rush when the door to the cafe swings open with a loud tinkling sound from the chimes Callie convinced Lacey to install a few months ago. In an instant, the bond comes to life, vibrating like a freaking live wire in my chest. I turn in time to see Jackson walk into the cafe… with another woman.
What is this fresh fucking hell?
I bite down on my bottom lip, and the coppery taste of blood blossoms across my tongue as he leans close to murmur something in her ear. She tosses her raven hair over her shoulder and nods before moving to the back corner and taking a seat in one of the booths. I can feel my heart thudding a thousand miles a minute in my chest as he approaches me at the counter. I grip the edge of it so tightly I worry it might give way, but it stays strong.
“Two lattes and a slice of carrot cake, please.” He says it like he’s reciting the weather, and my blood fucking boils. There aren’t many pack members in here to witness my humiliation, but I swear the entire cafe has gone silent. Granted, I don’t think I’d be able to hear shit over the mix of rage and pain coursing through my veins and pounding in my ears anyway.
I paste on a saccharine smile, even though I’d rather rage at him in all of his smug indifference, and say, “Sure thing.”
I move on autopilot gathering his order, and I silently congratulate myself when I manage to not throw boiling hot milk in his face. I pass his order across the counter to him and stare steadfastly at the chimes over the door as he walks away. The bond screams inside of me as he walks toward the other woman, but I refuse to acknowledge it. It takes every ounce of my self-control to keep my eyes trained above the door rather than turning to watch him
Whoever this woman is, she’s not from this pack. I have absolutely no idea who she is, but I don’t need to know her to hate her a little bit.
The instant he walks away, the whispers start up and looks of pity are thrown in my direction, threatening to push me over the edge. I don’t know why Jackson’s doing this, and I sure as hell don’t know what I did to deserve the treatment.
What I do know is that I’m done. I promise myself that I’ll find a way to break the bond, to end this ridiculous feeling of rage, pain, and want that dwells in my chest. I’m not going to even think about him, let alone give him another second of my time.
My resolve breaks the minute he stands and walks back in my direction. “Do you have a minute?”
I nod wordlessly, and I want to fucking kick myself. What happened to not giving him another second of my time? Apparently, despite my rage, I am a mute fucking idiot around him.
I hold my head high, ignoring the renewed round of whispers circling through the cafe as I step into the back with him. Lacey makes herself scarce when she spots us, but I don’t miss the quick glances of support she offers me. It’s a little bit matronly, “You’re going to be fine” mixed with a whole lot of enraged pack member, “I know where to hide bodies.” Truly, I don’t deserve her. Sound filters in through the door to the back, and I heave a deep breath. This isn’t exactly the level of privacy I’d like to have for this conversation with him, but it’s all I’ve got.
“You need to reject the bond too. None of this will stop until you accept it.”
I just stare at him, bewildered and blinking. What am I supposed to say to that? Sure thing, bud, it’s not like my life has been completely upended by you over the past few weeks. My wolf isn’t completely broken by you and this bond isn’t bothering me all. Have a great day! Seriously, what the fuck?
He huffs when I say nothing and turns to leave.
It takes a second, but I finally manage to blurt out, “Why?”
He freezes, shoulders tensing, before turning back to me with a look of deep-seated exhaustion. Fine lines crease his forehead as he frowns at me. “Because while I can just about cope with taking orders from the man who murdered my entire family,” he spits, and the exhaustion fades into sadness, “I can’t love his daughter.”
I suck in a shuddering breath as my heart breaks a little. In the moment, I’m not sure if it’s for me or for him, but I suspect it might just be a little bit of both. I can’t even hate him for not wanting me, because in his position, I’m not sure I wouldn’t hate me either. I just watch in silence as he walks away from me yet again, but once again, I do nothing to stop him.
I adjust the apron tied around my back, but the polyester blend feels stifling in the heat of the back room. It’s definitely the heat and not the hurt and humiliation that’s burning through my veins, right? I close my eyes and try to coach myself through some deep breathing exercises, but then the noise of the bells above the front door tinkling every few seconds as people filter into the cafe hits my ears.
I take a step toward the door to the front but pause when Lacey pushes through the swinging door. She quirks an eyebrow in my direction, and I start untying my apron. I offer it to her, hands shaking, and whisper, “I can’t… I need to go.”
She smiles sadly at me as she takes the apron, nodding. “Of course, you do what you need to do.”
I leave through the back and haul ass through the cover of the buildings closest to the cafe, circling a little bit out of my way to avoid crossing the square to reach my house. As soon as my feet cross the threshold, the forest starts calling to me again.
Fuck it.
Maybe my wolf had the right idea last night after all.
I pull my phone from my pocket and pull up Maddox’s name.
Me: I’m checking out for a bit. I’ll be back for your birthday, but I need a minute.
My parents and Nova get similar messages as I bound through the bottom level of the house and escape into the yard. I undress and drop my phone on top of my clothes in the backyard, so they’ll know I’ve gone wolf, before heading into the forest.
We might be pack, but right now… the compound with my pack is the last place we want to be.
* * *
The days pass in a blur of running and sleeping.
My wolf and I agree one hundred percent on this. Getting as far away from our mate is the best thing we can do. She’s hurting as much as I am.
We don’t eat, and we don’t drink.
All we do is run.
There is nothing else to do but try to outrun the pain in our chest. To try to find the point where the bond doesn’t try to call us back to him.
I tried to make my brain accept that he doesn’t want me—to put a stop to the bond—but it seems that there may not be a way to shut down the bond. Because even still, it burns for him.
Maybe I’m just destined to feel like this forever.
So we just keep running until we can’t do anything else.
* * *
I can barely open my eyes as I lie against the cold dirt.
My wolf forced us to shift back because we might be dying. My heart almost stops at the thought of what I’ve done. That I’ve nearly pushed us to the brink of death. I never meant for this to happen.
The river runs past us, and my body screams for a taste of the water. My wolf got us this far, but I’m too weak to move. Too weak to reach the water.
I’m not sure how many days we’ve been out here, but I’ve neglected myself for too long. I push to my knees and half crawl, half drag myself to the river. I fall into the rushing water, unable to find my feet or fight the current, and regret floods my body as the water rushes past my lips, down my throat, and toward my lungs. I gag over the torrent of water, but my arms are too weak to push myself up.
This isn’t how things were meant to go.
I just wanted to escape.
I close my eyes, trying to find the strength to find my way out of the turbulent stream before I drown, but my despair overwhelms me, and I feel hopeless. Black dots dance in my eyes as the water pounds my body, but just at the point that I’m sure I’m going to die here, I’m pulled from the water.
My eyes flicker open, and I sob at the sight of the snarling man holding me, choppy dark hair dancing in the wind.
“Luna, are you fucking insane? This is enough. I already told you once, you don’t get to leave me alone in this world.” Maddox’s chest vibrates against my skin where he clutches me against him. My body shakes as he carries me out of the river, and as happy as I am to see him, as thankful as I am to him for saving me, I can’t seem to hold onto my consciousness as he walks. When he pulls to a jarring stop, I jolt back into consciousness, staring up into a face full of fury.
“You found me,” I croak as he lays me down on a blanket. It’s only then I notice the fire burning and the backpack leaning against the tree next to me.
He pulls a bottle of water from the backpack and shoves it in my face. “Drink.”
The order wraps itself around me, and I take the bottle. The water is cold against my raw throat, but I sip away at it as he pulls on a pair of jeans and hands me a hoodie. He stokes the fire before disappearing. Maddox has never been mad at me before, and I’m not sure how to act. I didn’t mean to get here. We were just trying to find respite. Food and water didn’t register as a need until it was too late.
When he returns, he has a skinned rabbit in his hand, which he spit roasts over the fire. He doesn’t say a word to me.
I pick at the edges of the hoodie as he works silently, opening and closing my mouth a dozen times as I search for the right words. “I’m sorry,” I finally offer, and I know it’s not enough, but it’s all I have. His shoulders stiffen, and I retreat into the confines of the hoodie as I pull it over my head—anything for one moment to myself before I have to face the hurt and anger I’m surely in store for. I take a deep breath, enveloped by his scent, and push my head through the neck of the hoodie.
“What the fuck were you thinking, Luna?” His stare pierces through to my very soul, and I feel beyond stupid. There’s that anger I was waiting for.
“I wasn’t,” I tell him honestly. “I just wanted to get away. My wolf was hurting as much as I was, and we just wanted some space.”
He watches me for a minute, a tic in his tightly clenched jaw, before turning his attention back to the rabbit. I inch closer to the fire, being careful to stay on the blanket. I’m still pretty fucking weak, but the water has helped clear the fog in my brain a little.
We sit in silence as the rabbit cooks. He doesn’t acknowledge my apology, and I don’t try again. I can only imagine what’s going through his mind as he all but rips the rabbit apart, shoving a portion into my hands, and watching me intently as I nibble at the offering. Despite my growling stomach, I know if I eat too much too quickly, I’m going to regret it, so I try to take my time. It’s not exactly comfortable eating with him glaring up a storm at me either.
I eat until his glare softens and he looks somewhat satisfied, trying not to groan at how bloated I feel. I know with the food in my stomach, my body will begin healing from the damage I’ve dealt it over the past several days, but the promise of future healing doesn’t keep me from feeling weak and shit now..
“How did you find me?” I ask, once I think he’ll actually answer me.
“I never lost you. I headed to the compound as soon as I got your message. I’ve been tracking you for days, and I was hoping you’d come to your senses on your own, but of course you fucking didn’t. This is all because that waste of space fucking spoke to you? I should rip his spine from his body and be done with it. You can’t hold out hope that he’ll eventually want you if he’s gone.”
My heart sinks as he spits out the words. He came for me the minute he knew I was going off the deep end. I really don’t deserve him. Maybe the Fates were right not to give him to me. I hate that he’s so obviously still hurting while I only make it worse.
A tear slips down my cheek, and I drop my forehead onto my knees. “I’m sorry.”
“Shit.” I hear him scramble in the second before he pulls me into his arms. “Please don’t cry.”
That only makes me cry that much harder. I lean into his embrace and let loose the big, ugly sobs I’ve been holding onto for days. Maddox is a fucking saint, holding me until my tears dry up. “Sorry,” I mumble into his chest, and he gently pushes me away from him, disentangling my arms from around his waist.
“Stop saying sorry,” he commands as he stands. I curl into the warmth of his hoodie and watch through sandpapery eyes as he starts packing up the small camp. Once he puts out the fire, he glances back at me, curled in his hoodie on the blanket. He crouches in front of me, tucking my hair behind my ear, and I lean into his warmth once more. “Do you think you’re strong enough to head back home?”
Fates, he looks so hopeful, but his hope doesn’t smother the despair lingering in my chest over the sting of the rejection I’m still feeling days later. I don’t think I’ll ever be ready and willing to return to the compound if Jackson is still there, so I shake my head. “I can’t do it.”
“You can, Luna,” he reassures me, beckoning me to climb to my feet. I shake my head again, so he puts an arm around my back and another under my knees and lifts me so I’m cradled against his chest once more. “I got you, I promise.”
I lean against him as we walk, hours passing as I thank the Fates over and over again for giving him to me even if I don’t get to keep him. I look up at him, studying his strong features as he moves steadily through the forest. Sensing my lingering stare, Maddox glances down before drawing to a stop. He stares back down at me, and the pull that’s always been between us sucks me in.
“Why couldn’t it have been you?”
The words are little more than a whisper, but his hold on me tightens. I tilt my chin up, and his lips brush against mine. When I don’t pull back, the pressure increases, and I weave my fingers through his hair, taking refuge in him until it hits me.
“Stop. We can’t do this.” I pull back from him, struggling from his arms and planting my feet on the ground. I take a step back, putting space between us. “I’m sorry.”
“We can do this, Luna. I know you feel it too.” The pleading in his eyes fucking breaks me, and I’m not sure we’ll ever come back from this. All because I was weak.
“We can’t, Maddox. You have a mate out there, and I can’t do to her what I’m living through. You can’t do it either, not if you really thought about it. We can’t be that selfish.” A tear slips down my cheek, the pain of regret gripping my heart. It would’ve been so easy if it had been him.
He takes a step toward me, but I take a step back. “Luna…” His voice cracks, and I hate that I’ve managed to hurt him again.
“I am so sorry, Maddox, I should have never… I didn’t mean to…”
He stares at me, and I watch his heart break all over again. Mine breaks apart even further in my chest. I didn’t think that was even possible, but here we are.
He strips and shifts back to his wolf form before running in the opposite direction of me. I can’t find it in my shattered heart to blame him.
What the fuck have I done?
